One of our many beautiful friends, who has chosen to remain anonymous (she has signed her letter "So Regretful"), is wondering if the emotional text that she sent to him caused their relationship to end.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
Someone I knew contacted me out of the blue after 20 years.
We were only friends then, never dated. He said he never stopped thinking about me and although he has a girlfriend he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I had always thought about him as well.
Right off the bat he asked me to be patient with him so he could get things sorted out. He kept calling and texting me all the time. After 8 months of asking when I would be able to see him, I pushed the point and we finally met for lunch. It was great and the mutual attraction was definitely there.
We talked about being together in the future, our likes, dislikes, etc..
The holidays came and went and his texts became more infrequent and the calls stopped. He apologized and said he had so much going on but that his feelings had not changed. We continued to text but no calls.
Finally, valentine's day came and went without one text from him saying happy valentine's day.
We had been in contact for well over a year and he was professing his love for me yet couldn't take 5 seconds to text happy valentine's day. After this and him not having called in three months and essentially reducing our communication to text only and not putting any effort or attempt to meet me again - I broke.
I sent him a text saying good bye and that I wished him well. He did not respond.
Of course, I immediately regretted sending that text and sent him another apologizing. We talked a few days later (I asked if I could call him) and the last thing he said was for me to be patient and that good things come to those who wait.
It's been three months now without a text or call from him - he just disappeared.
I have not contacted him at all after that last call. I don't expect to hear from him again and know I have to move on, but I can't let go of the feeling that my impulsive emotional "good bye" text was the reason this ended!
Please tell me if that's even possible...
So Regretful!!
My Response:
Dear Regretful,
Oh, how my heart goes out to you.
There is nothing that keeps us holding on to the past than the regret of what could have been if only we hadn't done what we did.
No, your impulsive emotional "good bye" text could never have been the reason this ended! Never!
Take this harsh judgement and blame you've assigned to yourself and throw if off of you once and for all. You're free now, Regretful!
You were only saying what was already there.
Pointing out what he was already telling you by his words – and most of all, by his actions. Look back at the facts, of the real life realities of what your relationship up til that point actually consisted of.
Was it him communicating with you, initiating plans with you, letting you know without question that he was on the same page as you, sharing your own hopes and dreams and plans for the two of you? Did he give you no reason to doubt that you were both compatible in all the things that matter, and more importantly, that he was looking for the same thing in a relationship with you?
Or was this only the part you wanted to believe?
Did you imagine, especially now, looking back, that there was so much more there than there actually was? Was this one of those "potential" relationships that never got off the ground because you were the only one who in reality wanted it to?
Look at what you've written here.
After the holidays his texts became more infrequent and his calls stopped. And then the excuses began – too busy, so much going on. He didn't even have 5 seconds to text Happy Valentine's Day to you.
You knew, Regretful.
What you said wasn't some emotional, impulsive goodbye. Instead, it was your voice finally expressing in what you're calling that fateful text, what your heart and your soul – and your mind! – already knew.
How could you not?
His actions were so clear – to everyone else except us when we're the ones in a relationship like this.
We never see it until it's over. And even then, we spend more of our time seeing through rose-colored glasses what still might have been if only we hadn't sealed our own fate like we did.
You merely spoke the truth, Regretful. There was nothing to hold onto.
He wasn't there. He hadn't been for three months. No effort. No attempt to reach out. Of course your finally broke – or became strong enough to call it like you were finally willing to see it – for what it was.
It was already over in his mind. That's why there was no response. There was nothing to respond to that hadn't already been settled in his own mind. Not because of you, but because of him!
You deserve so much more than some cliché of how "good things come to those who wait". Good things come to two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Time to let this one go, Regretful. Time to free yourself in the process. You were never meant to be the only one in a relationship.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts for our dear friend Regretful? Share them with us in the comments!
Right off the bat I'm going to say I do not like this guy. Sure he has a girlfriend and probably things aren't going too well so he needs a some sort of stroking as things don't always go smoothly in relationships. Just the fact that he's stated he has a girlfriend (he already has an out). He's not a nice cat and you're the mouse. Why should you feel badly about saying you're done when he contacts you out of the blue after 20 years, you have your life all he is doing is upsetting it. Jane is right you deserve so much more! The nerve of this guy!!! Please block him from texting you and take care of yourself.
Wise Chick - you are so right that it was ALL about him. All I did was feed his ego. I never dealt with a narcissist before, but am starting to think he definitely was one. From the intense "lovebombing" in the beginning to the gradual "devaluation" then to his final "discard" of me. Wow, what a realization!
Portia - if he does try to get in touch again I will surely not respond! Just like the saying goes...fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Tricia - I will get that book. Thanks for the suggestion. I surely don't want to repeat this mistake again.
Thank you all!
I hope it helps! I think Jane mentioned another one called "Men Who Can't Love" (correct me if I'm wrong Jane) and I see it's written by the same authors.
HI Jane
Strange enough I am healing as well i have decided to move on if something is meant to be it will be yet if it not meant for you let it go. I must say I feel more confident everyday . I am meeting new acquintances everyday that makes me feel so special with compliments, although I am taking it easy as i don't think I am ready for a relationship as yet. Thank you so much for your inspiration as I learn something every time I read your messages. I know that someday I will meet someone that is really going to love me and take care of me.
I swear. That was selfish of him. Good things come to those who wait? Really? Here's my rule, if a man is too busy to communicate with me, then he's too busy to get any of my precious time when he's ready. I'm the queen of igg mode. I'm doing it to an emotionally unavailable man now. So over him.
It's about his ego, about another love interest, about his convenience, about his life, about HIM only. That's torture for a woman who is serious about a man.
If he's already committed, that means he just wanted to step out and he told you because he never planned to do anything serious. He may have even just been checking to see if he's "Still got it." Men play games just to see if they can manipulate a woman into doing what he wants her to do. It's a sick little mind game these grown little boys play for fun. Then they go back and brag to their just as immature little grown boy friends how they are able to get you into a trap. This game gets tired at some point. And here's the good news, you're not the woman who has to deal with the problem. Good for you. You're free.
Send him a thank you card. You dodged a bullet with that fool.
Good things come to those that wait? Really??? He said that to give you hope so you will be waiting for him while he bounced around doing what we he wants. Sweetie don't put yourself through that. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and knows it. My on and off ex told me. If I hadn't broken up with him the last time maybe we would have had 2 kids by now. So of course I stayed this time despite him behaving badly (cheating and lying)because of the hope he gave me with that statement. I ended up choosing me and breaking up with him for good. Of course he told me I was never truly committed to him. I still left for good. Look with your eyes and go by his actions and not words.
i agree with the answer, except for one thing: the wishful thinking was on his part, too, so don't blame yourself entirely. people tend to speak before they think...lol. i am in this situation now with my very first boyfriend who contacted me after 30 years. however, because i am reading jane's advice, i knew not to take it too seriously and get caught up. i am learning to put the brakes on and take my time with relationships. as a result, we are still talking and might have a chance, but i am not investing too much into it until i see actions, and not just words, on his part.
Greetings,
This is coming from a place of love.
Rule#1 = confidence and boundries must be strongly balanced. It is your armor. Any man that steps to me and says he has a girlfriend or married and trying to kick it with me, is not the man I want in my life. He is OFF LIMITS. Run away fast quick,...if he creepin on her he cheating on me.
He gave you the bs and you went for it. Why you sad now? You knew the deal!!. You gave him permission to treat you as a fallback, last option and lacking of woman, who would be around whenever he wanted an ego boost. Occupying empty space in your brain. The nerve of him, but then again you had a choice to prevent this stress by telling him NO. I CHOOSE ME.
A high value woman never waits for anyone to choose her. She puts her mental health and happiness above undesirableness. She is confident that the laws of true love will be granted, when she is truly able to love herself. Inside out from head to toe.
Now, put a don not disturb sign on your heart cause it was not meant to be broken....
1 love
I feel you! Reminds me of my truck driver friend who said he wanted to take me out, then took months to call, then came to see me again and tells me he's separated, but they've been to the lawyers. Asks me to be PATIENT, then after 3 more trips to see me he sends me a text that he's back with his wife trying to work through stuff. We don't need that girlfriend! Time to move on!
Exactly, Louisa!
Thank you so much for responding, Jane! Your comments are so true - I was holding on to the what could be instead of acknowledging the reality of what it was and reacting to what I knew deep down. Let me say that the only reason why I allowed the communication even though he had a girlfriend is because I fell for the old I'm not happy, going to break it off bs which of course didn't happen. In restrospect, I now see all the red flags that I chose to ignore. Two years prior to this I had divorced after 19 years of marriage, so I guess I thought his timing meant that it was fate and it was meant to be - that's why I held on. What a fool I was for believing him, allowing this and for letting it go on for so long. I wish he never would have come back into my life!! Guess I just don't understand how someone could reappear after 20 years and then disappear without so much as a goodbye. I mean, he had 20 years to think about it! If he wasn't going to follow through he should never have contacted me. I guess I expected more maturity from a 50 year old man. I will move on, but just don't understand. Lesson learned. Thank you everyone for your comments and support!
So glad you're seeing this now, So Regretful. That's what matters; not the time we spend not seeing, but the time right here and now from this point on, when you can see so clearly the reality of what is! Remember that you don't have to understand why or how someone can behave the way they do for it to be true. Stay in reality, resist going to that fantasy where we cause our hearts so much pain, and you'll see those red flags when they appear. Today is always a new day!
This happened to me twice by two different guys. The first time after 25 years, he called out of the blue and told me he never stopped thinking about me or stopped loving me. That went on for a year. He did fly across the country and after that communication dwindled. I was so devastated that someone that "loved" me could do that to me.
They second one emailed me out of the blue and we talked ,texted and called each other for 4 months before meeting in a city half way between the two of us. After that meeting things changed drastically too. We started fighting after all the wonderful things he had said about wishing we could have more.
Instead of being devastated, I was really mad. What is wrong with these men that they can just turn off and on like this. They talk a good story and then act like nothing happened.
This has affected my trust in men and now understand why men cheat so much. They are so screwed up and think they can say and do anything and still sleep at night.
I totally understand what Regretful has gone through. It will take awhile but it does get better and hopefully you will learn after the first time instead of me going through this twice UGH!!!
You're so not alone here, Andrea. It's not all men, it's only these emotionally unavailable ones on our radar who we choose because of so many factors that have everything to do with us. The good news about realizing we're the ones doing the choosing, is that we can now use this knowledge to empower us to choose something different instead!
Oh I completely ... I think in every relationship I've ever had that ended, I've always wondered after if I said or did something slightly different, we would be happily married now with kids and the white picket fence, etc.
For whatever reason, he decided he just wasn't interested anymore. You'll drive yourself insane trying to figure out what went wrong.
I dated a guy once in high school for a few months, although we were young there were a lot of things he did or didn't do that made me no longer interested. Later on in life we became friends on fb as high school friends do. One day I felt lonely - I had just came out of a 2 year relationship. The guy from HS was single, and looked as hot as ever, so I decided to message him on FB. We started messaging, and one day we swaped numbers. We talked everyday for hours. He was very good looking and had done very well for himself. He started telling me how strong his feelings were for me. We lived about 7 hours from eachother, so one day we decided he would fly in to see me for the weekend. We spent the weekend together. He was still the same sweet guy as he was in HS, but did and didn't do a lot of the things I remembered from HS. I figured he would have changed in 15 years. These things still bothered me. When he got back home, he went right back to texting, and calling, and telling me about what an amazing weekend he had, and how strong his feelings were. And all I could think was did we just spend the same weekend together. In time I blew off his calls and texts, with statements about being busy with work and life etc. We are still friends on FB but never talk.
Why am I telling you this - sometimes we aren't good at confrontation. In this scenario I was the not so nice person. My thought is the guy that reached out to YOU was either, rebounding out of a relationship and perhaps went back to it, or just found it didn't click for him the way the communication and spending time with you clicked for you. Perhaps he wanted to end what he started in the nicest way he knew how.
I would definitely let it go and move on.
Should he reach out to you again, I would highly suggest you just don't respond - rather than risk he does it again.
Good luck!
Thanks for sharing your story with Regretful, Portia. It always helps to see this from another's perspective!
Sorry to hear you are going through something so terrible. This guy's behaviour is mentally abusive and I commend you for finally having the strength to get out of the situation. The psychology behind non-committal relationships is fascinating, and you could try reading the book entitled "He's Scared, She's Scared," by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Interestingly, the book helps us understand how our own behaviour and tendencies play a role in the relationship. At the very least, you will have a better understanding of this personality type, learn how to avoid getting into a similar situation in the future, and gain some closure.
Exactly, Tricia. It always takes two. There's a reason he's the one we choose!
This guy was basically playing with your emotions, and his actions clearly didnt match up to his words. With someone like this i usually dismiss within a couple of weeks if they dont follow through, before wasting my precious time.
Because it is your "precious time", Kris. "Follow through" will always tell you everything you need to know!
Regretful, why fell regretful when you were honest with your feelings? When you look at it what have you lost? Conversation??? Lies???? "Spend the rest of his life with you" he had a girlfriend, twenty years out of the blue???? Our mistakes as women (my opinion) we set ourselves up, we do not wait on the man to lead. I have learned when I am too busy with my own life and doing what I like, he has to fit into my world. Regret remember you are the prize, it was his lost!! Keep moving forward, never let anyone make you regret your choices when you are being 100.
Exactly, RealDavis - "what have you lost?" Who and what someone is right now doesn't get any better with time, no matter how much we want to believe that it will.
One red flag: Someone from the past that has a current partner showing up trying to hook up with you. Another red flag: his comment about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you although you were just (formerly) friends. Did you consider how his current partner might feel when/if she found out what you both were up to?
I'm agreeing with Ali here.
Why would any decent woman start a fling with someone who is already taken?
and not to mention the fact that he is guilty too! also a possible cheater
This is not right!
It's a good thing it didn't work out, because he would've cheated on you too
So true, ColdRain. The greatest indicator of someone's future behavior is always their past behavior. Yes, people can change, but only if they want to. Living your life hoping for that change only hurts us in the end!
Always the red flags, Ali.
Regretful,
He opened the door with, I am in a relationship now, but.... After months of texts you agree to meet, then he stops and says, good things come to those who wait.
Well dear, he is not that good thing. I wish men would make their intentions clear and go after what they want. Instead, they stay in one relationship and want to tip-toe to another, but wants someone to wait on him to get his act together. Laughable. You are worth more than this. Never settle for in a little while or good things...wait. You are the GOOD thing. He that finds a wife finds a GOOD thing(bible verse). Be encouraged and love you the way you wanna be loved. Love is coming to you freely and without luggage.
Beautifully said, Jaquetta. Thank you for your words for Regretful.
To .. So Regretful I so hear your pain. Big HUG to you!
To .. Jane Thank you for your words of validation and encouragement. Exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Big HUG to you!
A hug is one of the free, universal, "feel so good", timeless, gift connections that requires no words.
( { } ) Hugs!!
Zmistsc
So true, Zmistsc! And a big hug back to you! So glad this resonated with you and where you are this morning; you're never, ever alone in what you're going through.