What could be more cruel?
Nothing more than the idea that there’s only one.
One love.
One him.
And only one.
You miss your chance, you mess this up, you screw it up – and you’re done.
One chance to get it right.
One chance to make it work.
One Mr. Right.
One soulmate.
Who puts this weight on you?
Who puts this kind of pressure on you?
Surely, not you. Surely, not anyone who could possibly know anything about real love. Surely, not anyone who could possibly genuinely care about you.
One more lie. One more untruth to add to your list of all those untruths you’ve taken as truths.
Your truth.
One more piece of programming to question.
One more piece of the culturally conditioned response to expose.
You’ve done this to yourself for long enough. This.
This buying into someone else’s belief system – the kind that sells movies and books but never tells the actual truth. This deferring to the romantic fairy tale instead of real life. This living on the edge of someone else’s dream.
It has to stop.
For you.
For your sake. So that you can finally see the light.
There’s one. There’s two. There’s ten, fifty, a hundred, and so many numbers more. Because it’s you, not anyone else who decides how many there are!
There was someone for who you were yesterday. There’s someone for who you are today. And there’s someone for who you’ll be tomorrow and every single day after that.
Why didn’t anyone tell you this before?
Because it doesn’t sound as romantic. It doesn’t seem as fateful. It doesn’t fit the image we see played out on the screen, in the books, in our wildest imaginations – and more importantly, it doesn’t sell.
So they think they’re doing you a favor; supporting the very fantasy so many of us have grown up with. But in reality it does so much damage to us instead.
How can you not beat yourself up if you think you’ve blown that one chance you had? How can you not be so hard on yourself if this is as good as it’s ever going to get? How can you not look back with regrets and "if only’s" if this is the only one who will ever love you like you believe he did?
It gives us yet another reason to second-guess ourselves again. (Did we really need another one?)
Believe it if you want to, as long as it serves you and keeps you staying right where you are. As long as you’re willing to choose the story you’ve always believed, instead of the story that’s yours to create.
But if something nudges you here, deep down inside your heart of hearts, and lets a little more light trickle through, let it.
Sit with it.
Consider what you just might see if you allowed yourself to.
An abundance of love. And overflowing of opportunities. Many, many different kinds of men. Many roads to the same place.
Love. Real love.
So much more than any one.
Hi, Jane. Yes, you are correct, I just recently had my FWB break up with me and in my mind I am thinking what did I do wrong. It is all my fault. Or that I will never find someone like him again or someone with his qualities he attributes. During the whole year that we were FWB I knew that he did not want a committment at all but I stuck around hoping he would change his mind someday and now that someday has turned into a year. It was frustrating because I could not express all my deep feelings with him because he did not want to hear it, if I did share he would tell me at times that I was being needy or a drama queen. I gave him all of me, I went the extra mile to try and make him love me, the woman I was but even doing this it still was not enough. He went as far as to lie to me about being with a girl one night and I had a gut feeling that he had been with a girl that night. So I know I shouldn't have done it but I went through his phone and found pictures of them two not only hugging but arm around the waist area and her arm over his shoulder, chest to chest , cheek to cheek type of picture. So I ended it with him but he pursued me and said it was a misunderstanding and convinced me to stay with him. I can honestly say it was never the same again after that, I stopped trusting him completely. So my insecurities began to creep in and I became insecure when he was on phone texting or calling someone. Eventually he got tired of it and would state to me that he wasn't doing anything. That the females he did text were respectable friends of his. I still had hard time dealing with that and eventually pushed it when I couldn't deal with his texting anymore that it upset him that I wouldn't believe him and he asked me to leave his home. Now I am trying to deal with it and move on, but it is so hard. What do you suggest for me to do? Can you help?
Sonia
Sometimes whenever I'd see couples getting engaged and getting married, I'd often wonder will that ever be me in those romantic events. I hate being single because it's lonely. Whenever I'm at a special event with my parents, there always seem to be couples around. Sometimes, I wish I was with someone so I wouldn't have to feel alone. I wonder about love. Will love ever find me? I try to be hopeful that Mr. Right will come along, but how long does it have to be just to wait for him. Where is Mr. Right anyway? I'm 18 years old; I know I'm that young to be a daydreamer and wishy washy. Sometimes I wish Mr. Right was here right now so we could have fun adventures together. I'm not delusional. I just hate how there are guys who can be jerks who break women's hearts. Whenever I'd see a couple walking around together, I try not to think about it but then I can't help but ask myself why I'm single. If there is such thing as a Mr. Right? Where is he?
You're not "that young" to be anything but who you are, Desiree. I wanted to be married from the time I was 18, but always looking for love in all the wrong places with all the wrong kinds of men. Make this about you, not any man, not any one Mr. Right, and everything else will fall into place. Your goals, your dreams, your plans, your life. When you're clear about exactly what you want, don't be afraid to be that person you truly are who desires exactly what you desire. I can't tell you how much pain you'll save yourself if you first acknowledge what it is you truly want instead of falling into a pattern of trying to be whatever someone else wants.
I truly do understand the heartbreak of feeling like I've lost "the one" as I went through it many times in my 20's, and after 20 something years of a marriage that failed for many reasons, I thought I was content to be just me, with my kids, and my friends and family. When I unexpectedly met someone who was head over heels for me, and I followed, I was crushed when he ended it suddenly. In retrospect, there were warning signs along the way, but going from telling me he was in love with me up until the end, to he still loved me, but the relationship was done, was devastating. I don't, and no longer, believe in "the one" but in my 50's "anyone" is hard to find given that many people single at my age have been hurt and damaged, or caused damage, that means they're back to being single after many years of being married and raising a family. It's daunting and depressing to think about investing in the dating scene again, and the alternative, being alone at a stage of my life when most of my friends are still married and doing family things together.
I so hear you, Sarah. It's the "unexpectedly" part that gets so many of us, especially when we were doing so well on our own. Be where you are right now, but remember that today - and every day - is always a new day.
I'm not really sure the belief of "the one " reached me or my culture. Personally I have never fully believed in that because I have no evidence at all to support it. My family is filled with single moms and divorced people and a couple of never married. The few couples left have marriages that frankly, I would never want to have.
I always assumed there might be some truth to the whole soulmates thing but I have never really thought or believed I had one. It's rather interesting for me to reflect on where I have stood in the past with this particular belief. If there's one thing I always knew was that once I was over a failed attempt at finding a boyfriend, I would certainly meet someone else. My doubt was it ever materializing since I always ended up in square one every time.
Working on myself since the last experience I'm starting to think that what I have really been looking for is love in its purest forms because I never got it from my parents. My parents did the best they could, and they love me very much, just not the way a child should be loved in the emotional sense. I was never seen for who I was or allowed to cry, say no or be angry. Basically there was too much "you should or else". I repressed too much and have been deprived emotionally. No wonder I turned to trying to hold on to any crumbs some random guy threw at me.
I'm glad I can see this now and it is liberating to know that it's not a fairy tale what I truly want and need.
As for the one... I think there must be many men who would be suitable for me. I'm just now not in a hurry to find them. I'm ok by myself for now. If one shows up, one who is suitable for me, he'll be welcome.
This is the mindset you want, Angel! The one that knows there's many, many paths and types and real life men - and that you are always the one doing the choosing!
I think that is how I'm trying to be now. I'm sick of chasing men, whether emotionally, mentally or physically. I'm sick of crasping onto the crumbs they have given me. I've really lost me! It's scary when you realize that you don't even know yourself or value yourself because you were freely giving yourself to men who gave you very little of themselves! I feel like I just want to be totally by myself and even more guarded with my feelings-possibly like Fort Knox. Hopefully, I'll meet a man who will take the time to actually help me break down my walls.
I'm with you Jamie. After my latest breakup with the "one" about 4 mos ago, I don't even want to think about dating. I don't go for the "bad boys". I choose men that are on my level financially and education-wise. There needs to be some attraction but they're not all drop dead gorgeous. If someone's not 100% into me in the first few months then I have no problem breaking up and moving on. I lost myself in the last guy. He was too nice, too perfect and I really fell hard. It was only almost 2 years later when he admitted to me he wasn't sure about us. Then he broke up. How can I ever trust again? There were no red flags. I definitely have a wall up that I didn't before. I'm never chasing someone again and I'm going to bolt at the first inkling of something wrong. I hate that I feel this way now, but trusting someone with my entire heart and having it blow up in my face has left me pretty bitter.
I know that bitterness, Kat. Oh boy how I do. I've been there several times. Be with it, feel it, listen to it, understand it... Then let it go. Bitterness won't let you be happy and life has too much to offer you. You're gorgeous, healthy, alive, have friends and family, have the ability to help others, eat, laugh, move and be the gift you are to the world.
You'll let go of bitterness for you. Because you're worth it. Because you can.
It's so "normal" and understandable to feel that way, Kat. Be with those feelings and let them come and go as they need to. This is how we heal - by allowing ourselves to feel whatever it is we're feeling. But when you're ready, know that there's something more here, something he could never have been for you, something you could never have been happy with, no matter how it is to see that right now. You don't have to. In fact, I don't know of anyone who can when it's this fresh! Don't think about dating. You will trust again, but only if it's someone worth trusting, and you will know. You will!
It's always the one we "lose ourselves in" that gives us the greatest wake-up call of all. Don't fight that! There's something beautiful there when you're ready to see what's there to be seen!
Fair enough, Jamie. Not chasing? Absolutely not. Building walls? Not sure will get you anywhere. Walls may protect us for a while, but no one will come in. They keep people out and they keep you suffering. They become unbearable. What we need is to become more aware, more centered and clear, but not guarded. I know it's rough, but trust me on this one.
Let's put it another way: say there's a man you really care about but he has walls in. With all the knowledge you have now: will you stick around? I'm betting you wouldn't. It's not wise because the walls belong to their builder. Only the builder can break them down and they'll break them down to take a chance on themselves, not someone else.
It boils down to learning to trust ourselves. When we trust ourselves, we won't need to trust the world.
Be gentle with yourself, Jamie. Adding what you should be doing, or what someone else says you should be doing, doesn't help you at all. Take this time to find you. There's no chasing anyone who's on the same page as you!
And because the issue of choosing a "one" partner involves well- being of our kids it can not be taken lightly. Teenagers can date around free,cwgen they are at that age, when it is too early to have kids. Older ladies like me, who already had raised their fair share of kids can push some boundaries, because we have already done all the mistakes we could, and have no intention to have kids again. But for a woman of a normal child bearing age the choice between one vs. many partners, as well as which partner(s) to chose is a very delicate choice. Traditionally society was tying up one man to one woman and making them "one flash" because it saw this as the most efficient way to make men accept responsibility for their kids. Now that it is obvious that this way does not work that well what will we do? Just rid men from all responsibility for the children and transfer it completely on female shoulders? But that would be unfair and not in the best interests of women and kids. Make all men collectively assume responsibility for all kids, by making them pay higher taxes. But apparently men in general are very resistant to this idea. They don't even like paying child support for their own kids, so how can you make them pay for kids that are not even theirs? Tough luck, right? But just try and make it easy, then women might have so many kids, that it will be really difficult to feed them all. So yes, chosin one partner is a tough choice for a good reason.
And on the other hand those, who believe there is the one, are right in principle. Cause you can full around all you want, go on dates with as many men as you like, change partners like gloves, but at the end you child can only have one father. Which pretty much narrows down your world to one at least in the medium term. Unless, of course, we all adopt that kind of "who cares who the child's father" mentality, which I think would be right, but it is soo far fetched from reality, as we know it today.
But the innocent child will care who their father is. We may not be able to change our own pasts, but we can absolutely change what we choose to pass on to our children!
Thank you very much Jane for this piece. I believe that Roman Catholic Church, full of homosexual priests, who have violated scriptures of Holy Bible and have spread this wrong belief system among Catholics is responsible. For centuries women suffered from abuse, mental and physical cruelty from their spouses because the Church would not even allow as much as divorce and remarriage to the innocent spouse. This is how tough were their fake "morality" standards. On the other hand what have they done to prevent spousal abuse? Apparently not much, because these days over 50% of women suffer from it. What can gay and never married priests teach their subjects about family life, which they never have experceived themselves?
I have personally have always dreamen of the "one", but I never had life until I have put a big fat cross on that conext. Modern man are just so badly brought that they just won't value a woman or treat her well unless they know they have to compete for her and could loose her at any moment. So you do need to keep a pair and a spare to keep things going well.
These beliefs have so many roots, Nina; what matters most is recognizing where our own come from.
This is all very true and I totally agree with everything you say. But what I keep asking myself is, why? Why am I still doin this, still in this relstionship that's goin no where?!! Why am I torturing myself? I dnt know, so I continue on. But like my BF says, if he didn't care or love me, then he wouldn't still be around. So that makes me think maybe this can work and things will progress forward. Cuz if he didn't care, wouldn't he of left a long time ago? Does it mean anything by the fact that he's not ending this & neither am I or is it just my unrealistic thinkn? If anything, I wish I could just walk away and be ok with it, but I'm not...
Find the why underneath what keeps you there, Danielle. Is it enough? Is it the fantasy of what it should be like that needs a closer look? Find the clarity in what you're looking for, in what you actually want - not what anyone else says you should want, and you'll be able to see more clearly whether this is what it is, or what it isn't. We can only act when we know!
This is so true. We are blinded by one person instead of looking at the bigger picture out there we can find real love if we just allow ourselves to stop concentrating on the one that does not really love you. I need to stop hoping that this person will commit to me because he has shown me in so many instances that he is not the committed type. I have to realise that i can actually find happiness in someone else and stop hoping that this person will change his mind because he never will. He has made it clear to me by his actions i need to now move on and accept that it is over. I am worth more than what i am allowing myself to achieve. I am a strong woman and i will now create my own happiness I deserve to be happy. I have to do this for myself I am tired of being the victim. I am a beautiful woman and i have confidence in myself that someday I will find happiness.
Reread what you just said here, Cordelia. This is so true!