Who is this man who holds so much power over you?
Who is he really?
Is he some kind of superhuman? Some kind of god? Some kind of idol?
Someone so amazing, so incredible that he can affect you the way he does?
Look again. A little closer this time. Through the eyes of reality, not of potential.
He’s actually the opposite isn't he? He’s actually very human.
And to anyone else, he isn't really anything special at all. In fact, he’s the one they see so much more clearly than you. They see what he can’t give you. They see how sad you are so often. They see what you put yourself through time and time again in the name of what you always call love, just because you see something in him that they never will.
But you don’t see him that way at all.
The very things that they see and would give them reason to run, you see and it beckons you to come.
He’s the one no one else quite understands the way you do.
He’s the one you feel. He’s the one you sense.
He’s the one whose father never understood him. He’s the one whose mother smothered him. He’s the one who only longed to be loved.
And now you’re the one who can. You see him, and there’s a part of you that sees you. Mirrored back to you in him. In his eyes that tell so much more than his words ever will. Than his actions ever will. You know him like no one else. You sense what he’s capable of (but never quite gets to) more clearly than anyone else ever could.
He’s everything you think you want. He’s everything you think you need. And that’s why without him, you think you’ll never have what you could have with him.
Except that you can’t have it with him either because he’s not capable of having it with someone like you.
Who is this man that you come alive with? Who you feel things you've never felt before? Is it really him? Or is it you? Is he merely providing the antagonist in this story to the protagonist role you've always wanted to play?
It’s not about his looks, is it? It’s about the way he walks, the way he carries himself, that confident air about him that makes him so attractive to you. And something more.
It’s your chance to rescue him.
It’s your chance to save him from himself. Or his demons. Or whatever he’s fighting that he doesn't even know he is.
It’s your chance to give him what he’s never had before.
It’s your chance to show him what it’s like to be understood.
And it’s your chance to finally have what you've always wanted. Someone to save with your love. Someone to give what you've never had. Someone to win over. Someone to conquer with your love.
You don’t just think it might be him. You've made it him. He’s your conquest. Just like you were his.
You gave him what he was in it for – that conquest. And now it’s your turn to get what you came for. Your proof of worthiness.
Two sides of the same coin.
Ironic isn't it? That you both might be looking for the same thing? And yet his ends in its fulfillment before yours can ever get off the ground. It’s why he’s fine and you’re anything but.
Step out of that story, Beautiful.
The one you've been holding onto your whole life. It’s not going to be different this time. It’s not going to be different with him. It can’t be because this is as good as it gets with him.
Who is he?
A wounded man who can’t commit. A scared little boy who doesn't know he still is. A sensitive soul with so much potential that only you can see.
He’s whatever you want him to be. This is your story. But what he’ll never be in real life is yours.
Character and personality are not the same thing and its people like this who demonstrate that. These experiences are hard lessons about that. Just remind yourself, how people behave means everything about them. Not about you. Unless you provoke bad behavior, and by that I mean the obvious like harass or abuse another, its not your fault. A decent human being does not behave like this.
Jane,how did you know this
You are very wise and thank you for letting me see the truth.
Thank you, Lucinda. I'm so glad this resonated with you.
It's the saddest story ever told. There are two kinds of men, the honorable and the dishonorable. An honorable man will always guard your emotions. Will care, value, respect and honor you. A dishonorable man never will. If he doesn't fit, just relax and let him go. Destiny is on your side. TRUE LOVE WILL FIND YOU.
Beautifully said, Sherry. Thank you.
I still feel guilty for breaking up and feel still in-love and so heartbroken....I did not have a choice as to step out....he made the decision after two years of living together... me and his daughter of 22 who still stayed with him did not get along...all our arguments was because of her.....there were no boundaries....So I'm still confused....still need to see the bigger picture....
Let go of that guilt, Maria. It's an unfair sentence to put on yourself. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Some grace. Some love. Some acceptance for just how human you are. You don't deserve what you're putting yourself through. One step at a time, the bigger picture becomes clearer.
Hi Jane:
Your words are true and I did step out.
These are your words and I know you know that, lol! 🙂
"Ironic isn't it? That you both might be looking for the same thing? And yet his ends in its fulfillment before yours can ever get off the ground. It’s why he’s fine and you’re anything but.
Step out of that story, Beautiful."
Getting my own self confidence, humor and smile back.
Thank you 🙂
Thank you, Catherine. It your words that inspire me. Hearing them from you and how this resonated with you. And then seeing you run with them. Wow! There is nothing that says it quite like this "Getting my own self-confidence, humor and smile back." I smile every time I hear this because it's that knowing of what's behind these words, of what that means to you to be able to say them - and feel them. This is all you! 🙂
You are so right about how I feel about this man. My heart ache do been neglected or no attention. He act like I am not there. It hurts my feelings so much. My sisters wants me to leave him. They feel he has taken my joy out of my life. He has never treated me unkind and he is a giver and make sure I am safe. What should I do?
Do what you can live with, Albirda. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to be able to live with your decision, to deal with his reaction, his response, and whatever you feel after the fact. There are no rules; there's only you.
You are in the same situation that I was....wish I could answer you....we broke up from his side...but now he still sees me and make it so much worse to get over him...the hope is there that we can work and he can change...but deep inside I know I'm facing a bigger heartache...."strongs" for you and hope you get your answer.....
What hurts, is when men come on like they are genuine. You take it slow the reel you in and then they dismiss you or treat you like your disposable. After they are the ones who have come on to us. We take it slow, we are sincere we are cautious, but they just abandon without any remorse.
It hurts when you have a beautiful thing , but they move onto someone else . I read your other blog in regards to why he commits to her and not you. Yes we can all say we are saved etc. Still hurts, all people are doing running away to something that think is easier but its not. Easy is not running away, leaves hurt people. Eventually a relationship will bring up problems.
Why do some men NOT ALL give their genuine attention and time talking and making actions to build a future together then just quit. It hurts especially when its going well. It's not like I ever force anyone or talk about the future with anyone I date. I discuss what I want and speak up for myself when I need to. Just hurts meet cowardly men in a different packages with their own baggage!
It does hurt, Hope. I so hear you. But you can't change anyone else except yourself. You can't make someone behave differently; you can only be the one who behaves differently yourself. When they just quit, they're showing you who they are and what they can't give you, what they're not capable of. You can take it personally, or you can give it back to them. It's never about you, it's always about them.
I can't even begin to describe how accurate this was for my relationship. I am on a road to self improvement & success & the guy I was with was on a road leading nowhere except possibly prison. As of yesterday, we both realized that we have very different life paths & I realized that I do deserve more than someone who will choose drugs over me. I know I can't save someone that doesn't see anything wrong with that they're doing. We were together for a year. Broke up for 6 months, recently got back together & in those 6 months I found parts of myself that made me see what I want & deserve. This article let's me know my decision in ending it is definitely worth it.
You're worth it, Leigha. Thank you for sharing your story; you're an inspiration to all of us. Don't let go of those parts that you found. They're those beautiful parts of yourself that were never meant to be lost.
and every time you pull away, they pull you right back in...
I am trying to leave...and the only reason I am still here...going crazy is finances...
In your own time, Mandy. In each of our own time. It's the only way we can ever leave well.
When a woman spends all her time saying...I need to fix me...I am the one with a problem...I keep messing up...I keep making things right....or some form of madness....constantly having to explain herself....waiting for the next bomb to go off....and knowing it is coming...
she is not with someone who loves her..or for that matter even likes her...it is certain death....
"... she is not with someone who loves her... or for that matter even likes her" - So true, Mandy. Thank you for summarizing this so poignantly.
Wow I seriously felt like you wrote this for me. It really solve to me, every word runs true in my relationship. Thank you so much for this
You're so welcome, Ally. I'm so glad it resonated with you.
My friend Linda sent me this last night. Wow it explains it all. This was me in my last relationship. His true colors came out after ninety days. He told me in the beginning he loved me and wanted a future. But all along he was wounded from last ex fiancé breaking up with him, which he was close friends with still, pulling me into their triangle. I knew it from beginning and figured I could be the exception to the rule. After the honey moon stage was over he told me he didn't want a relationship, he was going through a lot. He was still going to see his ex eight hours away when he would get distant and pull away from me. I am fine now. Its been a month and I am feeling good and not letting him rule my brain space anymore. Thank you 🙂
They're always going through a lot, Cara. And so were you. So glad you have a friend who thinks of you. Thank you, Linda. 🙂
Honestly I knew what I was in for. It was a risk to date someone who said he's not ready for a relationship but wants to live in the moment. He has been honest with me. Still I hoped for more. His words of missing me and telling me I'm beautiful was enough to satisfy and then some. All the while each time I see him the time between gets longer and longer. Still only on his terms never saying when we will see each other again. After a year( which was quite amazing) I have become detached to a certain extent but my heart still longs for him. My head says this is not right and I know the difference between a man who wants you in his life and a man who wants to see you when he wants to. I will get over him but my heart is still having withdrawal symptoms. I have recently made known my boundaries as he was starting to just show up out of the blue (3 weeks later)to be affectionate. Last time I just couldn't feel the same way. I had detached. I think he knows that it is ending by his attitude when he left. Sometimes no matter how great he is. It might be the time to let him go. I prefer to be with someone who wants a relationship as it is more fun and there is mutual feelings and time for each other.
Oh I hear you, Kim. Our hearts always have their longings.The longings are never wrong; it's who they want to fulfill those longings that we need to change.
OMG...that was right on time with what I'm going through right now...I feel so stupid for even giving him a chance to break my heart!
Don't feel stupid, Stacee. It's never stupid, it's what we learned to call love. We repeat until we learn. Feel free!
Jane, Thank u so much everything you said is so true. But I just don't know how to let go and I know I need to but I can't and I believe I don't want to because I feel we belongs together. So um torn Jane. Thank you again.
You're welcome, Teresa. Watch. Listen. Observe. You need more than a feeling; you need real life actions that back them up.
What I think is that today was a good day...I finally told him, "It's not about you anymore! It's about me now."
Exactly, WJ!
your words moved me most of all - well said WJ
HI Jane
Wow a very powerful communication I feel like you were a fly on my bedroom wall
Why do we love them so these hurtful self serving predatory men?
If our hearts could align to our rational and emotional intelligence about what we need and what is right for us we would all be living somewhere in paradise in romance and love wouldn't we ?
I saw the movie 50 shades of grey recently .It for me was about a woman who goes over to the dark side for the man she loves.However when she is shown just how dark it could become she reasserts her strength and her sanity and pulls back and tells him "You will never do that to me again "
I myself went to the dark side in a different way for a man that I loved I was punished though very severely for dangling some beautiful possibilities in front of him that he couldn't reach out for honourably .The irony of the situation is that I would not not have had that experience with him .We shared a depth of passion and connection most people I believe would never know in this lifetime but the cost to myself was extremely high.What can I tell you? Love compelled me BIG LOVE !!!
I did manage to escape........ just........ with my life .I believe though in karma and reincarnation and I believe in some other time and place even though ours was a very sad story this time around this man was my twin flame and he is going to come looking for me and throw himself at my feet and beg my forgiveness and ask me for a second chance
I guess time though lifetimes will tell hey ?
oh how I hear you here, Wendy. Know that you're so not alone. The things we'll put ourselves through for the sake of what we'll call love - how much more BIG LOVE!
Hello Jane,
To this article all I have to say is TRUTH, TRUTH, TRUTH!! I learned this last year and I don't regret learning it, I am THANKFUL for it! I learned so much about myself and dealing with these type of males and it has set me on a great new path. We never stop learning lessons in life. 🙂
Exactly, Mariposa. Be thankful for what we learn when we go through it - so we'll eventually never have to go through it again!
Yes Jane and I thought after staying single for almost 10 years I had dealt with deeper issues within myself, but this last relationship showed me even deeper issues that reaches back to my development years as a teen, complexes that developed back then and those issues are the ones that have created so much disappointment for me, now I'm working and improving those and I feel ssssooooo good! It's like meeting a whole new person. I love it!
Thank you for your website! 🙂
Oh reading your message was so convicting. I am so drawn to men with emotional problems it's frustrating. I don't know how to get past it.
ARRRRGH
So glad this resonated with you, Fiona. Find your reason first within you, not in him. And along the way, just say "no, thank you" when you discover a man with those red flags. If you slow things down and listen, watch, observe, and check in with yourself often, you'll see it before you're in over your head. If you're open to seeing it, you'll know!
I was with this guy as FWB for over a year, broke up but got back with him before but about a month ago i found out about lies mostly involving anotehr girl that i could not accept so i have been ignoring him since then. He has been texting even asking for a vacation i always wanted to go with him but I've been ignoring mostly and have not given him an answer. I know i cant live this way anymore and cant trust him anymore. I just have a very hard time communicating that with him. I just dont know how. I know that talking to him and ending it in person might be a good idea to get over for good but i just dont know why i cant. I know i do not like to ignore forever and i am very much conflicted with myself. can you give me any recommendation please.
Thank alot Jane
When you end the conflict within yourself, you'll know exactly what to say and what to do, Roya. You have to sort this out first within you before anything else can change. But you absolutely can because you're worth it. And you deserve nothing less!
I went on a trip some years ago to a place I knew little about but was alive and vivid in my imagination. I was glad to leave. Getting to know it was a disappointment...Hawaii did not live up to the hype in my mind. I went on a trip some years ago to a place I knew of, but very little about. 10 days later, I did not want to leave Scotland, and it remains to this day to be the only place I have been to and want to return to.
In your mind, you can expect places to be anything you want. How often do places live up to expectations? My town's Chamber of Commerce paints a very pretty picture with little girls in red pigtails, swirling seagulls and warm blue water.
It is minus 25 degrees Celsius here today with snow in the forecast that will just add to the pile.
We need to believe in the wonder of nature and the goodness in others because life can be rough and tough. Seeing butterflies, gulls and flowers can help us through rough and tough times because it all can't be bad in our lives. But we have to be careful here because expectations can lead to being disappointed.
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She was not superhuman or some kind of god or idol. She was not amazing or incredible. I just thought she was the one and I wanted to be the one to show her something she seemed to want and need. But I was wrong. And my best was not right for her because she was not who I thought she was and did not want what I thought she did.
Exactly, Wayne!
ooh woow! I feel like you had me in mind when you wrote this.... truth be told I know am nothing to him except a girl he goes to when he feels like using someone, I have made the decision to walk away, its not easy he's all I think of, if I don't hear from him, my day is blue, but then again when I hear from him, I know that I deserve so much better, am learning to live without him, why care and love someone that cant do the same to me? I know I will be ok, thanx for reminding that he ain't worth my time... you are a God sent.
oh I did, Thaby. You and everyone who's walked in your shoes. And who I used to be and what I wish someone had written to me when I couldn't see it myself. Thank you for your kind words. I know all about those blue days. Without him, you get to choose the color of your days. You're worth so much more than living for his whims!
Yes! I understand. Then I started having blue days when he was around too, so then I figured, what's the point of having him around again? This fool is not worth your time. All of the time you spend thinking about him and stressing over him, you could have cured some disease by now. Use that brain power to work on you dear. You're more worth the time than he is. And guess what, when you do that, you'll understand just how amazing you are and how worthless he is.
Nobody is worthless.
Thanks, Wayne. Agreed. Not a single person on the face of the earth.
Wow this email you sent me hit me hard !! It's true to a T . But it's hurts because it's true. This man sucks my energy and doesn't care about my happiness. But how do I stop myself from texting him. He goes with other woman and takes them out. But never does nothing with me. I know I need to be done !
"He goes with other women and takes them out" - Is this what you want, Denise? Because if you don't, don't stand for this kind of behavior. The only way it changes is by you making a change. You stop yourself from texting by reminding yourself of what you do want. Does texting him get you that? Does watching him go out with other women and doing nothing with you get you that? The irony of settling is that it's only when you refuse to, that you find you don't have to.
Yes stop it now. This is time to do igg mode on him. I had one like that too. Would be obvious that he was doing that, then I stopped every single benefit he was getting. I shut down all calls, all texts. If he wanted to keep in touch, I may or may not answer the phone. I may or may not be available. I pushed him so far on the back burner he has no idea now how to even approach me. Don't keep walking into this brick wall, walk around and past it girl. If a man does not take you out, he does not take you seriously. He feels like you don't require it for him to get what he wants from you, so why should he. Make yourself scarce and watch him panic or get lost. Either way, it's better for you.
AMAZING!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY on POINT!!!!!! It's like you know me!!! I am really struggling with some things right now and I KNOW it has to begin with me healing myself so I won't go down the same path again!!!! I hope this is a confidential post.
That's it in a nutshell!!!!
So glad this resonated with you, Renee.
This article is me as well. Brought tears. I have loved a man for twenty years. Just like that he has moved on. All I can envision is him so happy with this woman who I am told is beautiful and her two children. While I am left feeling old, unattractive with nothing to offer. I want to believe that he will be the same with her as he was with me. All can picture is them being so happy together and if that's the case than it was all me. I feel like he was right and that is was all me, that I could just never be happy. I try fighting that because I feel like it really doesn't take much to make me happy...I just want to feel loved and that I mattered. What was it about me that he couldn't give that...and why can he give it so freely to another?
Nothing about you, Jen, everything about him. Don't take on what isn't yours - give it back to him. Find your mirror in eyes that are capable of loving you and are on the same page as you. What can he give it so freely to another? It's in the why he'll commit to her and not to you.
Thank Jane. I appreciate your support.
Always here for you, Jen.
He discards people and one day it will be her turn. He probably has done this before in other ways. No one just does this one day at his age.
Jane, Jane, Jane other awesome article!! You told my story. "Some kind of god"? "Some kind of idol"? Everyone else saw the he was a jerk including him, but I saw and feel in love with his potential instead of his reality. He was hurting from his divorce...I was there to pray for him, be is rock and love him through the pain. His children were hurting from the divorce...I was there to listen and give some motherly love and advice. After everyone were healed and did not need me anymore, he found another woman and they are engaged or married. The children are moving on with their lives, graduating from school and fulfilling their dreams in life. I THOUGHT he was a man of integrity, honor, morals and wonderful (potential) The reality was he is a liar, user, manipulator, no integrity, no moral and a man with no character. I THOUGHT all he needed was love, my love to be the man I THOUGHT he was. He was a taker not a giver (he gave gifts but not his heart) . I want more and I need more, so you are right he'll never be in real life is MINE!!! Thank you Jane!!!
Thank you, RealDavis. You've got this! It's exactly what we think that keeps us here.
you really amazed me
Thank you, Elizabeth.
Jane,,wouldn't be great to snap a fingers and the men we love or care for would see that saving them would solve everything, ,,,NOT, We can only save ourselves. I care for someone,,, deeply, but hes got own issues. I want to live life now,,, I safes me,,, thats alot. Very happy. Thank you Jane. GOD BLESS WE ARE STRONG BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. CINDY
oh so true, Cindy. And that's exactly why it doesn't work that way. Yes, we can only save ourselves and as much as we fight that reality, what we discover in that process is gold, pure gold. So beautiful to hear this in your own words. That is a lot!!
This is one of the most powerful messages I've ever read. Jane, it seems as if you have watched me all my life and have written this just for me, word for word. Better than any counselor has been able to help me understand. I get it now, and that frees me up to stop obsessing and start living. It also eases the hurt over why I just can't seem to make "him" (specific him, but also all the other "hims") commit or care as much as I do. He simply can't. I purchased your program last month because you get at root issues, not behavioral bandaids. You help us change the way we think until it becomes second nature, flowing from within. Thank you.
Wow, YES, thank you! I'm so glad this resonated with you like this. When you can see this for yourself, you absolutely become free. I'm so happy for you - and thrilled to hear you're enjoying my program!
Yes Jane, he was Jeff,active military debonaire and "caring". I made him into a demi god. Believed all the lies,so wanted to rescue him from his poor childhood and hurt. Thankfully, I listened to my spirit, did an email search and discovered a whole lot of reality. My coworkers and family saw my misery but I refused to believe the obvious until I was ready. I told him about himself, 3 months later he has yet to respond. I am fine with that, it was empowering to put my ID and ego to rest and chose Wendy for a change instead of putting " him" first whether he earned it or not. Now, it's me first. Ladies, get this sooner than later, I am 59, it is definitely right to be selfish by so doing you will do what's right for you and" the one",will love you even more for loving yourself. He will be proud of you and want to cherish you the more because you know your worth. Wow!
Beautifully said, Wendy. Thank you!
Omg, Jane... How do you know... How do you know those little things that nobody knows, those details about him, those secrets I hide in my heart from everyone else... You just opened the book and read my story word by word. I am speechless ... You are absolutely right and I slowly, but surely coming to the same realization. But still can't imagine my life without him yet...
Thank you Julia. When you've walked there, cried there, been there, you somehow know. And when you're ready, you will know, too.
Thank you.
So welcome, Jennifer.
How do I change these patterns of becoming the rescuer?
I just have so much love to give and I want to be loved.
Proof of worthiness.
Why is this what I seek in all my relationships?
Why do I think, feel and act confident if a sense of worthiness is what I'm after?
I need to figure this part out if I am going to let love instead of always looking for it.
This blog made me feel sad for me.
I want to truthfully know, feel and believe that I am Worthy of love. That it's out there for me.
I have much to learn still.
Thank you Jane, for putting that mirror in front of me and making me Really look at it.
Who Iam, what I want and what I am looking for is not in a man, its something buried inside of me. But I intend to find it.
It is sad, Jennifer. But it also shows how much you can see this now. It is sad to see what it comes down to underneath everything else that we thought it was. Pick one thing. One place in your life to embrace yourself and discover your own worthiness there. Then let that grow to another place. And watch that grow. Do this until every part of you, every place within you knows just how worthy you truly are! One step at a time, one place at a time. It's how we live this one step at a time.
I rescued myself from a bad relationship. My marriage was a bad place for me. I'm in the lifeboat and looking for land. But at least I'm in the lifesaving boat. I think that was my beginning. I knew I was worthy but I didn't feel it. I wasn't doing right by me or my children. Things definitely went from bad to worse. I turned my kids lives upside down in order to find and prove my worth.
Now, almost four years later, I am seeing and feeling my worth. And I help my kids see and feel their worth.
I will be ok.
Thank you so much Jane.
And you will be, Jennifer. You already are!
Hi Jane,
It's been awhile.
I met the love of my life on the date of this blog post. It just showed up on my news feed on Facebook. I read the comments and came to mine.
wow how things have changed. I have never felt more alive since this day.
His name is Rob 🙂
After 3 dates he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship but that he wanted one with me. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 5 dates.
I'm very happy with him. I think we met at just the right time in both of our lives.
I never had to fantasize about his potential. He proves it day after day.
I am completely myself with him.
Your blogs helped me to see My potential instead of always looking for potential.
I'm so grateful for all of your blogs that I have read.
To quote you; "find the You that leads to two"
I believe I did.
we are moving in together this summer, because it feels right.
Thanks Jane!
Loved getting this update from you, Jennifer! So happy for you, and oh so thrilled to have been a part of this discovery, of you finding YOUR own potential instead of looking for it in someone else. Congrats to both you and Rob! 🙂
Wooow wooow wooow...so profound.
I relate to this so much.
Thank you very much, I really needed to read this.
You're so welcome, Thoboza. I'm so glad this came right when you needed it.
Some valid points. But, Way fatalistic. Unsubscribe.
I'll unsubscribe you, Nope. I wish you all the best in life and love and hope you find exactly what you're looking for.
Hi.!Jane, I'm with someone like that in my life ,he is 7 years younger than me,and I'm my early 40's and he's in late 30's. When I'm with him it feels like we are the same age, we seem to get along very well . I asked him if he doesn't feel otherwise about our age gap,he said he loves a woman not her age,sometimes I must say I'm the one who is not. Ready to meet his family and friends and him to meet mine,But I must we have found each other,sometimes I'll think for him that he need a younger woman since I. Can't give him a child that he wants. Coz he wants a baby with me but I'm scared I can't fall pregnant again I'm sterelised since 2007.
If he's right for you and the two of you are truly compatible, none of these things will be deal breakers to him, Ruth. You're always enough with what you have and who you are for someone who's enough for you.
Wow, thank you so much Jane for writing this. The end is what got me about 'the wounded man who cannot commit.' Almost my exact words! I've been reading everything U write & always comment & i appreciate ur respones. U tell me what i already knw but too afraid to do. It's been the hardest most painful 2 yrs with my bf. 2 yrs of nothing. Constant fighting cuz I'm always upset and confused because the relationship is not moving forward. We don't live together, he doesn't tell me he loves me & I haven't met his parents! Oh and he doesn't want to get married. Of course I'm just the opposite and want to get married, want to be part of this family, want to live with him and tell him I love him even though he doesn't say it back. he doesn't understand what the big deal is when I get upset about all those things that haven't happened. I've yet to b strong enough to walk away until this last weekend I finally said enough is enough. I broke up with him. As bad as it sounds, I did do it over the phone but it's just how it happened. Of course I got tons of text messages of him crying and basically begging for me not to do this. A lot of that was a guilt trip I felt like and I was trying to not fall for it. today after all of this, he sends me a message saying 'if you feel up to it, I'm goin to pick you up and you're going to meet my mom.' So after two years of me wanting to meet his family, I break up with him & the next day hes wanting me to finally meet his mom. I did and it was great. So what was the big deal that he couldnt of done that a long time ago? I don't know And I'm not sure I even care. It's almost as if he's too late. We Continue to fight through text messaging With nothing resolved. I kind of followed something you had talked about as far as saying what you want in of a relationship. I told him that it's been long enough and I don't want to waste anymore time so if you think you can give me all that im wanting in a relationship, then great. if not then I can't to do this anymore. Of course many of my questions didn't get answered as he avoided most of them. as you can imagine nothings been resolved and I'm just an absolute mess. I just don't understand why now after i break up with him he decides to introduce me to his mother. I'm grateful and happy that he did, but it's almost too late. I'm so confused hope I can be strong and stick with this, but I don't know if ive made the rt choice or if I should let him prove to me that he does love me. Any advice would be awesome.
Do what you can live with, Danielle. Do what gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You can't be the only one making it work. It has to come from him as much as you.
you have made the right choice Danielle......He must work hard to show you that he wants this as much as you do..all the best.
This really hit home. He persued me for about 9 months and even though he wasn't the type of guy I would typically go for I gave it a shot because I had fallen for him. He was the perfect guy only for a week kept on assuring me that we will be ok, that I was the one he has been looking for all this time. You may say how stupid of me to believe that I can decide in 6 days that I had met my match but I did. Two years later I kmow it was never love and I know I have stuff to workout but where do I start. I think of him less and less everyday but I can't stop wondering how did I get there.
It's not stupid of you, Angelique, it was your reality at that moment in time and it shows the extent that we can love without knowing very much about anything else but a feeling. It's the way so many of us learn to do something different, by realizing first about the way we love and what we call love.
For sure i understand and can even relate to what you are talking about, just wish it was that easy to let go. Not easy at all but i guess one will go on trying, its the least one can do in the circumstances.
And hold on to yourself, Tshoany. That's what helps makes this a little easier. When you know what you're worth and you hold onto that.
It's harder than what we make it. It's easy to let go when you realize you're holding on to a ghost. It's not failure. Stop looking at it in a negative way. You're holding on to trash, a road block, a negative force in your life. As long as you hold on to this, you're holding the door closed to the possibility of something real and right. Don't adopt his dysfunction. Learn what you need to learn and move on hun.
Thank you for adding your thoughts here Wiserwoman. I especially like this part - "Don't adopt his dysfunction." Yes, we're so good at taking on what isn't ours and is never meant to be.
I can relate to story
I've been out with this guy for nearly 3 months
He likes the same stuff as me but there's unknown things that could be in common
When he's romantic it feels like he's the 1 for me, I'm very keen on him
He wants to move out n have future n I'm ready for it but I will need a full job to achieve that goal. 1 time thought of staying at my house every fort night but mum isn't impressed bcoz he rarely sees me each week. I often seen him 1- 3x a week but he doesn't make the time to do it coz he works at night, sleeps til 2pm in the afternoon n I think he's so lazy, I want him to get up, get out more with me etc
His mum is really nice to me n she wants him to go out n he says no mum I want to sleep in
I was supposed to see him 2moz, Saturday n fri but 2day he called me saying he can't do Saturday coz of double shifts coz his colleague is on sick leave til end of March n can't do 2moz coz he's got appointments
I like it when's he's helpful, full of ideas & calls me everyday.
When I met him I acted needy n clingy n wanted to see him more but I only saw him when he wants to n had too much on n he cancelled 10x coz half the time he's sick n half the time he's got appointments
So the other day I stopped being clingy n needy to him n stick to his terms n let him do the organising. I stopped being clingy so he can see more otherwise I push him away if I still act clingy.
Over the phone 2day he told me he would put me 1st, work, family n friends as his priorities
He doesn't like it when I'm upset n hates it when I get upset coz I'm sitting Fb waiting for him to chat to me n then I start to wonder what he's doing n then he says something like "babe I'm so sorry, work was so busy, I love u forever n always"
When I leave for a holiday in April he will cry n his heart will break for me
He's very aspergus so Im trying to be clingy, I feel he's the 1 but idk
We both wanna move out getaway but my parents won't let him or me unless he shows more interests in seeing me more than 1x a week, I have to get a job so I can move out coz of money. I tell myself I want a job so I can step into the future. I wanna move out coz we both had enough of our parents n it's still early days. I only wish my parents said yes to everything
We both love each other.
If you're both on the same page, you'll know, Courtney. And then everything else will begin to fall into place.
Read up on Asperger's Syndrome - if he actually has it you must not be clingy! He needs rest if he is working nights. He needs alone time in the same way an introvert does. Read up on introverts. If you are both living with your parents you are probably too young to be considering moving out - maybe not but I would wait a year until you make such a serious decision.
story of my life....
I so hear you, Ana.
Exactly. The story of the rescuer wanting to be rescued but who can never be rescued by who he/she wants to rescue because it's not what they can or want to do in the first place. A giver paired up with a taker. A taker cannot give. He/she's a taker!
It's so clear to me now that this is what it has been. Me trying to rescue reflections of myself in a man. Reflections I didn't even recognize. What's ironic is exactly that. These men didn't want to be rescued, they couldn't care less and the only ones they wanted to rescue were others but me.
Time to rescue myself instead and let others be. Time to just live my life for myself for a change and for once.
What a burnout it has all been. Lesson learned.
Only way to be strong and calm till an equal shows up. Someone who is fine as is and to whom I'm fine as is so we can be partners, equals, friends and companions.
Till then...
Be so proud of yourself for seeing this, Angel. Through the eyes of reality instead of the fantasy we have such a pull to want it to be.
These words are very true and have thankfully, after reading, stopped me from replying to my ex's recent text message asking me to have him back. After weeks of no contact from him and feeling heartbroken, he suddenly out of the blue sent me a text message saying that he missed me and was sorry for what he had done and what a wonderful person I was...etc (he left me one day while I was at work and disappeared). I now realise that he was a very confused man and YES, I did try to save him and help him, maybe sometimes too much. I now realise that I was wasting all my wonderful energy on this man and although what he did still hurts, I know I do not want him back. He is weak, I am strong, he is unhappy, I am moving on, he wants me back, I don't want him anymore, there is only one winner here and that is me. Thank you......
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Janette. Knowing what you want and seeing this for yourself is huge!
This man proposed to me in November 2013. He moved in with me in January 2014. We set a date for May 2015. I told him to get out in November 2014. No one has ever looked at me with more love in their eyes, and at the same time made me feel more alone. He had been to law school to become a lawyer and was $200k in debt, but couldn't keep a job. I had gotten in a terrible car accident and suffered concussion and I am still recovering, but before that I was the one supporting us on my awesome job and living in the house I bought. Now he's back living at home with his parents and already dating other people weeks later - and I am broken. I'm 31.
Don't let him break you, Sarah. This is his stuff. You're worth so much more than this.
I have read about men and women with very similar stories to your Ex. They are broken and a hot mess. You are sad now but in time, you will find out that despite it all, you dodged a bullet.
Wow it's like you are here with me living my life...you've got the message and you're getting it across to me...
I try, Deb 🙂
Hello Jane x,
You are incredibly intuitive and the way you write and understand the dynamics
of the unrequited ,commitment phob dance is really quite prolific, this email arrived in my inbox as though delivered to me personally, such is its signifigance.
Thank you for your much inspired wisdom
Kelly
Thank you for your kind words, Kathy. I'm so glad I'm able to speak to you like this.
Your email was so accurate.
So true that was always me....but not any longer.
So glad, Danitsha. I know what that means for you.
Thanks, Sue.
This is so true but so hard to let go. You feel there is no one else but him.