Our beautiful friend, Ashley, is concerned that having sex on the first date with a guy she's crazy about may have ruined her chances for a real, long lasting relationship with him.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
Long story short, I am crazy about this guy I've been seeing for a week and half. lol.
He lives and hour and half away.
I met him at a DJ class he was teaching a few months ago. He gave me his business card and I emailed him about DJ stuff. He responded then I heard nothing from him until 2 weeks ago.
He invited me to go to a DJ cafe with him in his town. So I went we hit it off, he was a gentleman and paid for everything.
We ended up having sex that night.
And we've been texting ever since. He texts me good morning and text throughout the day. He came to my town to celebrate my birthday with me on Saturday.
I know it's kind of soon, but I want more out of this relationship, I want him to be my boyfriend. It hasn't even been a full 2 weeks yet though, and I'm nervous that having a sexual relationship with him so soon ruined my chance.
What should I do?
- Ashley
My Response:
Dear Ashley,
Oh, the never short story of sex on the first date.
This is one that comes up so often. Mostly, with regret.
There's nothing quite like the regret we experience with this giving of our bodies like this. For rarely is it just our bodies, but our hearts and souls as well.
Even if it's only the first date.
We can go there to the place of "the one" and "fate" and "meant to be" and even "happily ever after" before we even really know this person that we've just given so much of ourselves away to. We can get so caught up in the heat of the moment, even if we have a plan, even if we prepped ourselves with the determination that we were really going to stick with that plan.
Crazy about him.
I so hear you on this one, Ashley. You're not alone here.
There's just something about him, isn't there? That energy. That vibe. That feeling that you just have even if it's nothing you can explain.
But what do you actually know about him?
Is he kind?
Is he compassionate?
Does he have the character of someone who you want to be with? What if you got pregnant out of this first date interaction? I know we never like to go there, but it's important that you do. And of course, most importantly, is he worthy of you?
Ask yourself why exactly you're crazy about him.
Is it about the things that are going to really matter in the long run?
Yes, sex absolutely matters. You want to be attracted to someone who you're with. But there's a huge difference between being attracted to someone because you feel an energy, a spark, between the two of you that is solely based on lust, and a real kind of attraction that comes from getting to know someone well enough to know that you're on the same page, that you want the same thing – with each other, and that you're both in this for the same reasons.
That you can respect him. That there's enough of what's real than what's simply the romantic idea of him in your mind.
Deep, I know.
It's not what we're usually thinking when we find ourselves in that heat of the moment.
Because after all, we can. We earned that right with the whole woman's lib movement and feminism that occurred in a forgotten time and place from where you are today, where now it's become the norm to sleep with someone whenever you want to.
But can you? That's the real question.
Because as much as we always think we can, we usually can't. Or at least not very well. Not without over thinking, not without second-guessing, not without asking the very questions that you're asking here.
Does it send a message when you sleep with someone on the first date?
Yes. It absolutely does.
There's a chance that it may be the message you want it to be – that you're an evolved woman who enjoys sex and doesn't feel the need to beat around the bush or wait with something that you're both feeling in that moment.
But more likely it's the message that he doesn't have to show you more of who he is and what he's about or prove himself worthy of you before you'll sleep with him. And that really lets him off the hook easy.
He's wired to prove why you should choose him. He's wired to have to do the work to win you over. He wants to know you're not willing to give yourself like this to just anyone. Because he knows you don't really know him that well yet either.
I know it's a double standard in our culture. And no, it's not fair. Where men can get away with this kind of behavior and women simply can't.
But it's more than just our culture. It's within us as well. Because emotionally, mentally, physically we're affected as well. When we have sex it affects us, bonds us, attaches us to him before we know who it really is that we're attaching ourselves to.
But there's something else that's equally as important here.
Not beating yourself up.
Not shaming yourself for what you've already done that can't be changed.
This is such a delicate subject to address because if you haven't already, I want to send out the message loud and clear that you should always behave like a woman who knows so clearly her own worth that she wouldn't consider being intimate with someone who she doesn't know well enough to know that he's on the same page as her and is giving her the commitment that she's looking for.
But the reality is that we usually don't get that until we learn that. This one we almost always have to learn the hard way. Through living it ourselves. By seeing how he disappears, how he pulls back, how things change.
But don't be afraid of that. If it happens, be grateful because then at least you'll know what's real, and what's not.
At this point you have two options.
You can move forward with the relationship as it is now, knowing that he's going to assume there's going to continue to be the same level of intimacy between the two of you.
Or, you can let him know that you have regrets about what happened (if, in fact, you do), that you got caught up in the moment, but now you want to take a step back and get to know him better before being intimate again.
Do whatever you need to do to remember that you're the prize. That you're the one who's worthy. And more than anything else, remind yourself that you don't even know him well enough to know if he's all that. Or if he's even deserving of all that you are and all that you have to offer him. Or if his qualities are even the ones you're looking for. Or if what he has to offer you is even what you really want in any relationship that you're a part of.
Regardless of what you choose to do, take a step back within yourself. Regroup. Get your focus back on you.
What's done is done. There is no one size fits all answer. It's really about what you're feeling, about what you're comfortable with and being honest with yourself. The fact that you're writing to me in the first place sounds like you've got some doubts here. Let your own comfort level be your guide. Some guys will care. Some guys won't. And since you don't know which one yours is, doing what you can live with is what matters more than anything else.
Smile. Breathe.
No shame. No regret. Just learning more about navigating relationships and remembering your worth in the midst of those heated moments where all you can think of is what you're feeling right then.
You'll know what page he's on soon enough. You'll know if he wants more than one thing by his actions. Don't go putting him on that pedestal, because then you've given him the power to reject you. He hasn't earned that right.
Try to keep your dates public, don't go back to each other's houses. Too tempting.
Yes, I know this may seem extreme. But we're talking about your beautiful heart and soul here, Ashley. And until you've had a chance to see what he's really made of, until he's proven his worth to you, you've got to slow things down enough so you can see him for the reality of who he is and not for what you feel he's going to be.
And that takes time.
You're human, Ashley. Allow yourself to be one. Regardless of what you do or don't do, remember that you only want to be with someone who wants what you want and wants to be with you. He's human, too.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Ashley should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
I have mixed emotions about sex on a first date, but I do agree that you have to be very clear with yourself about what you are able to handle. I recently just had sex with a guy on a first date. We had a connection and I honestly was not thinking of anything more with him. But for a week he kept texting and saying "good morning" wishing me a "good night" and telling me how excited he was about meeting me. By the end of the week when I saw him again I was hooked, we still had that connection and still had a good time, the only difference this time I LIKED him and wanted more. Now he's being odd, in that he keeps mentioning his ex gf and wanting his space. (I'm not clingy) - dating is tough. But Ashley's situation resonated, you probably just dodged a serious bullet with that one.
I had this happen to me two weeks ago,not anymore, what us women do because of hormones,no more being stupid, because i want a good man in my life and being physicsl with sex on a first date,its a desd end street.
its ok if he really loves you he will think more of you then a toy
I agree, you have to be knowing what you want when it comes to one night stands. Especially because it usually (at least for me it happens) gets the girl more hooked with feelings even if the guy was a player. I also think that only now in my mid 30's I would be comfortable having one night stand again and walking away from it. However, it is really only about sex and as for myself I'd rather be without than have temporary satisfaction. Having said that, I cant say I am still not going to since life is weird and when it comes to people you know, it is 100 times easier to have a bit of fun.
Be comfortable in your own skin, love and respect yourself and you know what suits you and what is ok.
Do remember that although we grow up watching and hearing Cinderella stories, love does not usually happen overnight but after initial crush, it is essential to find out more about the person and to get to know them. Although it is nice to dream, try to stay rational and enjoy dates of getting to know the person slowly. That does not mean you need to hold for sex until marriage but until you both feel comfortable about it and know each other little bit better.
Happy dating!
-Annie
There is nothing wrong with a one night stand. We emailed for a month and decided to meet. I did the one night stand as that is what I was looking for nothing more at the time. Then he started drawing me more and more into his life and after a year he told me he did not think I was the woman he was looking for. I let it be. During our absence, 7 months, from each other his life was his life and mine was mine. One day he contacted me out of the blue and told me he wanted to give me a truck. He got married, I was shocked and the day I went to get the truck he told me he as having heart surgery and was getting divorced. After that he wanted to get back together as friends and I did agree and the many times I was with him I questioned his motives to myself. Then he kept drawing me in closer and closer, no sexual relationship. Then 9 months later he tells me again I again I am not the woman. Neither of us have ever talked about the one night stand. One night stands are common one has to be careful and as a women I am seeking a man who can give me longevity.
"I did the one night stand as that is what I was looking for nothing more at the time." - That's exactly the point, Catherine. You have to know what you're looking for - what you can handle, and what you can't - above what anyone else tells you to do.
hi all,
Jane thanks for responding. I have an update. Not very good :-(. I did ruin my chances of having a serious relationship (atleast I think). The guy and I have talked about his expectations. He said that he thought I was just looking for fun, I live too far, and that being friends is important to him. He also said that with his schedule he won't be as accessible to me as he is right now. His exact words" I thought we could have fun and enjoy each others company and not worry about the heavy stuff". So, I told him that I'm not going to anymore of his gigs, we are not hanging out anymore, and no more sex. He wasn't happy about that, but he still keeps texting me. So, i'm kind of sad, but happy that I know what his intentions are. Now I know how to go about the situation.
Bummer. But like you said, now you know how it is. Now you're free to go out and find a man who wants and is willing to do the "heavy stuff" with you.
You found out, Ashley. And so now you know. It's so normal to have these kinds of mixed feelings but know that it's so much better to have the real story right there in front of you so that you can decide what you want to do with it. You did the choosing. You recognized the two different pages you were on with his words and instead of looking at what might have been or could have been, you saw what was. That's huge! Be so proud of yourself for being so true to yourself and what you want. It's in knowing what you want and what you don't and recognizing what won't get you there no matter how much you want it to, that you find someone who will be on exactly the same page as you. Thanks so much for this update!
My answer would be get out of this situation and don't look back, he was looking for one thing.
Thanks for adding your perspective, Maureen. It all helps.
Yes. Jane's already said it all. I'm not exactly sure why Ashley is second-guessing herself. She didn't mention anything on his part that may have triggered the doubts. But I understand where she's coming from. When the guy hasn't given any indication of pulling back, if I feel doubts I'd go within me to see if there's something I am creating. I would just follow Jane's advice and just let things progress in a paced way. Enjoy your dates and yes, keep them public and about getting to know each other.
I read somewhere about this topic and I agree with it: before having sex with someone consider how you feel and what that would mean to yo: Would you be ok if it were just sex? If he left or disappeared afterwards? If you know yourself well enough to know you will be completely fine and you would like to move forward, that's all that counts. But if you know that you couldn't handle it, then maybe you can just hold off on it for your own sense of peace.
I think many of us, myself included have gotten carried away with emancipation and liberation and the premise of being free and having the right as women, but it's really not about that. It's really more about each individual getting to know themselves and deciding what is best for them. Also, another thing we might not be considering is reading more about the subject from scientific standpoints. It sheds lots of light on a lot of things and helps us understand why certain things happen. I found the information very insightful.
My words for Ashley: trust yourself. Trust that you'll know what to do and that you're always taken care of wherever you are in life. Trust that you have the wisdom within you to know what's right for you.
Thank you for adding this, Angel. It is such an individual decision, and so important for each of us to find our own answers.