Love
What is it really about?
What are we spending so much of our time and energy trying to find? We say it’s love, we’re looking for love, but what exactly does that mean? And as one reader asked me in her quest to understand this subject, how do you know you’re in love? How do you define the feeling?
For so many of us, we thought it was simple. You meet someone you feel all those excited feelings with, you’re attracted to them, you feel an attraction from them that tells you they feel something to, and you begin dating, getting to know each other better, and eventually commit to each other in an exclusive relationship which leads to marriage – if that’s what you’re looking for.
Except, if you’re like most of us here, that’s not how it went down. In fact, that’s not at all how it happened.
Instead, you had feelings, he had feelings, it felt like you were falling in love. You got to know each other better in this cultural thing we do called dating, and then suddenly – or so it seemed to you – something changed and he became emotionally distant.
He pulled away, created more distance and left you with a broken heart feeling like you still love him and the feelings are still there. For you, but not for him.
So what is it?
What is it about this picture of love that gets played over and over again regardless of who we are, regardless of who he is, regardless of how strong our feelings may be?
Because more than anything else, what love is all about is an open-ended dialogue between two people who come together to learn about love with each other. To learn about how to love each other. To learn about loving two very human beings who are more about the little girl and little boy inside each of them than the adult version they present on the surface.
What love looks like to either one of two people in a relationship may look like something completely different to the other.
And yet, we don’t have those types of conversations very often, if at all.
We don’t readily consider when we first meet someone and feel that spark, those intense feelings of attraction that the love they were given as a child determines what they consider love to be. We don’t think about the fact that this person we fall in love with is more about who they represent to us from our own past than about the actual person they are.
And the same goes for him – because he has his own version of love that was modeled or passed onto him, too.
More telling than our own stories of love we received from our own families, are the stories that we find ourselves surrounded by in our culture. The fairy tales that tell of a happily ever after based solely in fantasy, and yet so much a part of our psyche, it becomes the reality we aspire to.
From the time we’re first old enough to listen to a story, it’s everywhere around us, consuming us with its promise to give us our very own knight in shining armor if we can only melt his heart with our love.
Even if we skipped over those childhood tales, the media provides us with a similar message everywhere we turn. In the romance novels, the ever so popular romantic comedies, the magazines, the advertisements, the marketing campaigns, all directed at furthering this message. The happily ever after message we’re told in so many subtle and not so subtle ways, over and over again. The message that says we must be that woman who shows her man a different way and inspires him to change from the fighter to the lover, the sensitive hero from the hard, cold, emotionally unavailable man. It takes all our feminine power to accomplish this feat, but if we’re enough for him we can break through his stone cold heart.
This is the romantic story of love.
Because you can look up the technical definitions of love, the ones that note the differences between romantic love and all the other kinds, but it’s not the definition of love we’re really searching for as much as what the “feeling” of love means to us.
What does a definition mean, mean, after all?
To our hearts, to these beautiful loving, caring, giving hearts, love is so much more than what can be put into words.
But feelings, that’s a whole other thing.
Love is something you feel for someone as well as something you feel from someone. Can you love someone who doesn't love you back, or used to love you but changes his mind? Sure. But will that kind of love serve you well? You know it won’t because it doesn't feel right to you.
Because more than our definitions of love or what love feels like to us or doesn't feel like to us, it’s about what it feels like and looks like to two people. The one you’re with or the one you want to be with.
Look at the actions.
Look at the way he treats you. Look at the way you treat him. Look at your own actions. Does that feel like love to you? Does that look like behavior and actions you’d call loving?
Maybe to him or maybe to you. Maybe not to either one or maybe to both of you. It’s this process of being open to each other, to sort out that kind of feeling of what love means to both of you, and more importantly, what you both want and need it to mean to both of you that matters most.
Can you accept what someone else calls being in love with you, being loving to you? Can they accept what love means to you?
It’s one thing to have your own one-sided feelings of love towards someone. But when you take your one-person show on the road, it’s there you find yourself face to face with another very real person.
What happens next is up to you.
If you're beginning to see just how muddy the waters of the concept of "love" can be, you're not alone. But there's something that's crystal clear about love if you're willing to take a chance on it in the first place.
You have to first know what love means to you. What it looks like to you.
Because if you don't, you won't know it when you see it. You'll think it's supposed to look the way someone one has told you it should look. You'll believe it can't be love if it doesn't have all the sparks and fireworks that the media would have you believing it has to contain for it to be anything worth calling home about.
How do you want to feel when you're loved by someone?
Happy? Content? Scared? Anxious?
The irony is that for someone who has only associated love with pain, their definition will seem such a paradox to someone else who has been loved in a healthy, loving way. Are you at one of the extremes, or somewhere in between?
Work through your own definition of love and you'll have that clarity that makes it so much easier to find exactly what you're looking for because you'll know where to look and what to avoid. Find the story behind that definition and you'll find a gold mine.
What about you? What are your thoughts on love? I'd love to hear them! Please share them with our community in the comments so we can all contribute to this conversation on a topic so close to all of our hearts.
Hello dear Jane, once more thank you for being here and make us feel warmer in our hearts...
Mounts ago i started to look up for new perspectives and new explanations rather than the ones i already new. The biggest push for my action was a boy who i met and all of a sudden started talking so much and about everything. Only now i realize that i was under the operation of so called "happy endings", i used to think i can call myself in love when i feel the beating heart and butterfly in my stomach that it must be happy all the way but now i know why i was afraid to go deeper in a relationship cuz somewhere deep inside i knew something was wrong that it wasn't what it meant to be called being in love. Now i call it love when I'm sure i want to talk with him about everything and every time, that i listen to what he has to say whats his opinion on the subject and discuss it, that it's all about being together and being one, that i never feel alone even if he is not next to me.
But yet i am afraid i might be wrong, but yet i want to go for it, this time I'm afraid that he wont get hurt cuz of my wrong understanding of love...
Thank you for your kind words, Lernik. Know that you're so not alone; so many of us have thought that was the only way to know if we were in love! Try being a little gentler with yourself. If someone is truly compatible with you, you'll know over time by communicating with him, talking with him, being with him and being yourself with him each and every time. Just make sure you're not the only one doing all the initiating with him unless that's the type of relationship you're looking for. If you step back and give him some space and he doesn't fill it in with himself reaching out to you, that tells you just how interested he is. Always pay attention to someone's actions; it's how you know if they're someone you really want to be with in the first place.
Thank you, will keep in mind, for sure.
This is an awesome subject that you have chosen to write about cuz im experiencing something that's never been an issue in my past relationships but it's a major issue in my current relationship. Im also trying to find any other reason for this other then the actual truth, that maybe my bf really doesn't love me and won't admit it. The problem is i've never been in a relationship where you don't tell somebody you love them every day at least once or twice a day. I know everyones diff, but with my past relationships, thats how it was. Once I love u was exchanged, we continued to say it. for me that makes sense & I felt loved & never had to question or wonder if they loved me or not & it always felt like the right time when it was said for the first time. I need the reassurance, it's just how I am with everything. I tend to think too much sometimes but never has a relationship or guy made me feel the confusion & sadness as my bf now does. Yet there's something about him that I can't walk away from. I keep hoping it'll change and he will open up to me more, but I'm not so sure he will. Honestly my relationship now is hardly a relationship at all. The best part of a new relationship is that feeling of falling in love and when two people are experiencing that together. With my boyfriend now, it never happened. Its almost like it was just me falling in love with him and not knowing where I stood & still not knowing even now! We've been together almost 2 years, I waited for him to tell me he loved me first and he did about six months into our relationship. I figured after that, as its been in the past, that once you say it for the first time, you continue to say it. I even asked friends and family there opinions and their perception of how it is and they all agree that its normal to continue to say I love u daily and what I am experiencing is kinda weird. After he said it for the first time he didn't say it again and weeks went by until I couldn't take it anymore. I lost it and told him everything that I was thinking and feeling which turned into an argument & made him think I was totally crazy. He couldnt believe that I'd been so upset for the past two weeks & the reason was because he wasn't saying I love you. he said that if he didn't mean it he wouldn't of said it but that he's not going to say it all the time. Well to me that's weird. if you love someone you tell them, if you don't, then you don't say it. I tell him I love u to often & he doesn't say it back. when I tell him I love him, he'll say no you don't. It's probably one of the worst feelings I've ever felt when he doesn't say it back. I mean, what's the point in saying it in the first place if you were never goin to say it again? we've had many arguments and conversations about this whole deal and I keep telling him that I think it means that he doesnt love me. His response to that is, how do you know? To me if somebody doesn't say it back or doesn't say it at all then they obviously don't love you. Am I right for thinking this way or am I missing something? Could I have this whole idea of what love is wrong? Am I asking too much of my bf or is what I'm feeling valid and am I wrong for accusing him of not loving me just cause he doesn't say it? Even though I need that reassurance and he knows that, seems like he's just not willing to give it to me. is that okay? who's right who's wrong or is there a right and wrong? that's what I can't figure out and if you could please help me try to understand better I would greatly appreciate it
It's perfectly natural to want to hear the words "I love you" from the person you love. But some folks are just not that great at expressing emotions. I'm a woman and I'm one of them. Look at how he grew up. If his household wasn't one where folks in the home told each other things like that, then chances are he is never going to do what you want him to.
My family rarely expressed emotions and I don't do a great job of it now in my adult life. But you'd better believe when I love, I love all the way and I express how I feel more in my actions and affection.
The man I'm currently seeing is also that way, but I don't need to hear him say it for me to feel and observe the truth. Anyone can just say the words and not mean them. And also, if he's said it at least once, I'd be OK with that. For a person who does not express emotions well to even utter those words is extremely difficult. As much as I love my current interest, when he told me he loved me after we'd been dating for a while, I had a hard time even saying it back although it felt like it was about to burst out of me. I mumbled it back. Go figure!
If this person has experienced any kind of rejection or ill feelings when it comes to saying the words I love you, it has nothing to do with the way he feels about you, just expressing it may be hard. Pay attention to how he treats you. That's the real test.
Warning though, by demanding someone follow your way of expressing love feels and looks very much like control and insecurity. To him, it looks like you don't believe him and you're trying to control him. And men generally don't like it when a woman needs to be reassured every single day about his feelings for her. Just the sheer fact that he's still around should tell you all you need to know.
Good Luck!
Thank you for this I appreciate it. I fell in Love for the first time. My ex told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me or anyone else, yet he said he loved me when I would tell him that I loved him. I love him dearly. It has been seven months and we talk here and there. I never thought I would be in the same spot I was when he first told me that he didn't want US anymore. Here I am though feeling terrible. He has me confused and im holding on to him still. idk if I think he loves me or not he just has me so confused and it hurts so bad that he can't answer any of my simple questions. He is stringing me along, I don't think its fair but I just don't know what he wants because he tells me to move on but then he tells me that he likes spending quality time with me, we go to dinner and do other things but then I never get a call or text besides his replies to my texts. I tell him over and over again that if he really wants me to move on then don't reply and he still would. I sent him a text earlier today asking if we can sit down and talk but he never replied, he avoids the serious talks though, I am just really confused. I honestly don't want to let go cuz he has my heart and I believe hes my soulmate. This might be my first love but I just know in my heart that hes the one for me. Anyways you can't really put it into words but ill try my hardest. LOVE, oh it feels like you're floating and you feel great when things are going smooth but at the same time it can make you feel like you have hit rock bottom when you no longer feel loved. I haven't given up and it has been seven months. I grew up in a cold family and never saw too much love but if you knew me then you'd know I am nothing like that. I was real to him. People say that you have to love yourself before you love anyone else. My problem was that I loved him more then I loved myself. I would have done anything for this man. ANYTHING. He was the only one that I trusted and felt fully comfortable with. I always put his needs before mine. I am the type of person that loves to see her loved ones happy. That's what truly makes me happy. I cooked for him nd cleaned and gave him gifts. I truly from my heart tried making him feel great about himself cuz hes an amazing man. I did so much for him without expecting anything in return. I wanted him to be the happiest man on earth. and I just pushed him away. Eventhough hes put me through hell these past 7 months I still love him and I don't find any hate in my heart for him. To me hes perfect. He was caring and funny, smart, witty, friendly, strong, safe, ambitious, great son, brother, nephew, grandson and amazing boyfriend. I made sure he knew. I always gave him constructive criticism. Maybe I was too nice. I never think of the bad always the good in him but maybe that was the problem. I do think that was love. I know hell find love one day and all I want for him is peace and to be so happy. I wish nothing but good things for him.. I just wish I was the one for him., That is a bit of what I call LOVE..
Sweetie, you sound like an awesome girlfriend, but here's one thing I noticed. You said you'd put his needs before yours, that does not mean you love yourself. You may want to really sit down and evaluate what that really means.
It's great to be nice and to be giving, but what it seems like you're doing is advertising yourself to a man who does not want you. (sorry to sound harsh love, but I have to be honest to help you) I've experienced the same thing myself.
Love is unconditional. Love does not care about what you do for a person, you love them simply because they exist. This man won't be swayed by what you do and don't do for him. That means that he loves what you provide, and not you. I think that gets overlooked in many relationships. Remember the next time you find yourself in this situation, you should never have to go that far for anyone to love you. Once you really love you, it seeps through your pores and it radiates from your body. Once you really love and appreciate you, you'd dare ANYONE not too and bid them goodbye if they don't. Loving you is NEVER putting anyone else besides God and your children above yourself. Because at the end of the day, you're all you've got my friend. So never ever ever do this for any other man unless he is your husband and he's doing the same for you. Good Luck!
I know how Deb feels. I also relate to your talk what is love. Honestly, Im not sure. I come from an alcoholic family, in which I was never given love from a step dad and had a mother, who drank and did the best she could, but was verbually abusive, and showed me love with buying me things. So, I feel I have a unrealistic idea of what love is because I choose men that leave and are emotionally unavailable, are alcoholic or neurotic in someway. Im no longer trying to fix or change them, Im just working on myself and my little girl inside and trusting God to send a healthy one when I ready for him. But Im still afraid of allowing another emotionally abusive and unavailable man into my wonderful life. Im dating a man , who pursuing me and I feel some attraction to, but not lightening bolts (probably good thing) and I practice emotional detachment until I feel he is safe. Its probably a sad way to date, but I feel safe this way, and I pray God will reveal if he is just a date or future mate.
I dont know what love is anymore and it scares me. I always gave 100 percent to my ex. Trying to make things work but years of him deserting me for weeks and months at at a time when we disagreed about things started to chip away at it. I always took him back and he would never let me express my deepest feelings I know he didnt love me but somehow I convinced myself that he must love me because he came back. Ugh by allowing him to do this to me, in his mind, I gave him more power to treat me even less than what I deserved and how I wanted to be loved. How does one recover because I just feel like there is such an empty space here but know I am much better off without himmin my life.
Great article jane. This article real make me to go dipper on how i see love,love it have to do wth caring, respect, feeling.love is something so precious something that can make you happy if the person you love is treating you well, respect is the one of the thing tht can show if sm1 love you,
So glad this resonated so much with you, Bloom!
Defining love, understanding our feelings and those of others, and knowing what we are drawn to in a partner or what we need from that partner, are very complex issues. I like Annie's response that loving someone else starts with loving yourself. Because if you don't love, understand, trust and believe in yourself, you won't be able to adequately define your boundaries or understand your feelings in your relationship, be that with family, friends or a partner. And, how can you expect someone to love you, or trust that they love you, when you don't love yourself? You would always be questioning their feelings.
My definition of what I look for in a partner has changed greatly over the years. When I was in my teens I looked for 'tall, dark and handsome, with a good sense of humour and a nice smile', in my twenties this was further defined as 'someone I trust, respect and am attracted to'. Now I have hit thirty, this definition has further evolved. I now look for someone who will be there for me, understand me and offer me compassion when my issues and insecurities show, but who will pull me up and encourage me to be a better person, the best version of myself that I can be. I look for someone who ignites and satisfies my sexual desires, and someone who it is a joy to be around and share my life experiences with...and a nice smile 🙂 All of this is a lot to ask of one person, and very idealistic, so in return I promise to understand why and when they can't provide this, and encourage them to become the best version of themselves.
I am about to embark on a new relationship with an ex-boyfriend. At the time that our relationship ended he wasn't in a place where he could love himself, and needed space to develop and understand what he wanted from life, before he could commit to a relationship. This was a very painful experience, however I have found that it has been times like those that I have had to challenge myself and change, question my understanding of myself and others, and address those issues that brought out my insecurities and anxieties. In retrospect, I would not change the experience as it is through our hardest times that we have the opportunities for greatest emotional growth, and I have learnt the most about myself, building myself into a stronger person, whilst supporting him to do the same. I feel positive about the future and the future for this relationship, and hope that I can use the lessons from my past to face the greater challenges that I will have ahead of me, and continue to grow and develop.
Your articles are great inspiration Jane, and a good book I have recently read is 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck. It's well worth a read and delves into the definition of love and loving feelings on a personal and wider scale.
"Because if you don't love, understand, trust and believe in yourself, you won't be able to adequately define your boundaries or understand your feelings in your relationship, be that with family, friends or a partner. And, how can you expect someone to love you, or trust that they love you, when you don't love yourself? You would always be questioning their feelings." So true, Joanna. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, your story, and what you've learned! 🙂
In my case I am seeing that my ex started to uncouple several months ago when we stopped being romantic. It was too difficult to bare at the time but you are right. My vision of love is my parents hanging in there with each other for almost sixty years. The problem is that I began to try to carry the load for both of us because she just wasn't feeling it and it never works out anyway. It was easy to lose site at what I need and wasn't getting because I was so focused on preserving the relationship.
Liam, are you aware of what you just wrote about yourself here??
In these few sentences, you described that you are the kind of guy who can love, you have both parents still married (which is a great thing! It's important to have a good relationship with the parents I think, I assume you have one too) and that you're the kind who wants to make things work!
These are AWESOME qualities you have!! Don't change please 🙂 women in the right mind set look for these, (such as myself and other commentators here).
Interesting how our parents come into the picture, I believe we are either the by-product of them (so if they have a bad relationship full of discord, emotionally unavailable etc. then we men and women, can treat our own relationships as such. BUT we can choose to see the bad and NOT go down that path. We can RISE above it and say "I AM going to do it better".
When we're ready to see it, we can see all kinds of things we never saw before, Liam. We always do the best we can with what we know at the time. "The problem is that I began to try to carry the load for both of us because she just wasn't feeling it and it never works out anyway." You're so not alone on this one - so many of us try to recreate what our parents had believing that that's just what you do because it's all we know, when in reality, it can't work if we're the only ones holding onto that belief. You can never be the only one!
And I forgot to say the most important is how you give and receive love. My ex boyfriend was always telling me he loved me but he never climbed that mountain, crossed that ocean and swam to that shore to be with me so actions speak louder than words always. Receive and show.
Always, Annie.
Love starts with loving yourself and then spreading that wonderful feeling of joy, happiness, fulfillment, care to others.
Love is about caring, trusting, helping and being there for family and friends and then sharing that love amongst each other. Love is also about caring, trusting, supporting, helping, giving and taking and feeling affection towards someone very special. It is then about sharing the happiness, joy, sadness, excitement and any situations with another person. Walking together as individuals on the same road. I think it is also about respecting of one another and going through obstacles together. It is also about accepting what the other person is and showing and opening your heart to the other. Finally it is about forgiving and understanding, being patient, selfless and kind.
This is how I understand love. All this can be in my opinion be applied to any type of love whether it is romantic love or loving family and friends. What I learned is that you cannot find love, love will find you.<3
Love how you summed this up, Annie. Beautifully said! 🙂
Great article Jane! Yes, what is love? or what is love perceived to be? I read this and it had me thinking. It took me back to the beginning of a relationship/friendship i embarked on in a two year period in my life.. Yes, it did started off with sparks and seemed liked there was feelings on both sides. I guess you can call that the "Thrill" phase. Not so long after, the guy would slack off with calling, texting, and the adrenaline rush subsided "for him". He became emotionally distant. When I tried to have a conversation as to what was going on...I now remember the guy telling me stories of love as he have witnessed,,,how he knows an old couple back in the country he is from, that has lived many many years apart and together. He has never seen them kiss, hold hands, show affection....barely spoke to each other, but no one could deny they loved each other....Why? well they were still together after all these years, taking care of their domestic affairs and going strong. (Makes me wonder if it was his parents, but no because his parents were divorced, and according to him these folks were still going strong in love) Well his perception, I guess?
So here I was asking him about us, and the change in his behavior, and that was the story I was told. I guess I should get that in my skull and heart, that this was "LOVE". Was he actually telling me of how LOVE was to him? Or that if he no longer call or text for days and weeks, I should take it, that No Love Is Lost..? just feel it in my bones, lol! Well it must be so, because he would go away without saying...I would call and if no answer I would text "I Miss You" and things like that. I found out later that he did not like to be told those things. So away with the "Thinking of You". "Love You". and "Miss You" stuff. He did not care for that. I found it rather strange, perhaps because I grew up as a young girl reading about Prince Charming, the Mushiness, and the Happily ever After. To date, this guy has not reciprocated to the extent that I could say "This is Love". Perhaps, as Jane brings to the fore, everyone have their own definition of love. So it truly boils down to what you FEEL and ACCEPT as love. This guy to date would want me to believe he loves me...yet he shuts down on me for weeks at a time, no communication, no dates, never got as much as a wildflower. We do nothing together, I barely knows what is going on in his life unless i read his company website, because he is a company official and usually would be on there. CRAZY!! Right? Well every now and then I would hear, you are the one for me,,,,but NO ACTION. So there you go....either this guy is living a secret life and giving someone else his time, energy, attention, and all the glitter, sparks and thrills, that a lady like me look forward to and equate to Love. OR based on his culture, or the way he was raised, he really believe that he should just work like a horse, have someone in his heart as someone he loves, and hope to live as that old couple he mentioned in the beginning....but never show it. How pitiful is that? Well to me.....he could be quite fine with that approach.
Since LOVE to me is an ACTION word, and something I have to FEEL. It was up to me after those 2yrs, not to settle. I was wasting my time. I guess I saw potential. That was just sheer nonsense to me. So yes, We all have to define what LOVE is to us individually, and go with what we can live with. Yes REAL DAVIS, I too love the bible's definition at 1 Corinthians 13. Another reason to move on and find love and make it feel real!
So glad this resonated with you, Dolly. Right, exactly! But that you're seeing this for yourself is huge. - "This guy to date would want me to believe he loves me...yet he shuts down on me for weeks at a time, no communication, no dates, never got as much as a wildflower. We do nothing together, I barely knows what is going on in his life unless i read his company website, because he is a company official and usually would be on there. CRAZY!! Right?"
Love to me is paitent, kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. What you give you will recieve it might not be from from your current situation, but wait on it, do not give up...What you are searching for is searching for you. Be patient...never know who you are being kind to....Pay attention and love yourself until he/she comes along. When you are loving yourself then you know how you want to be treated and loved. If it goes against that then you know that is not love and not for you!! I am still learning!! I AM LOVING MYSELF!!
Beautifully said, RealDavis. Thank you!
It was also the observation delivered in a famous novel "Onegin", where the sister who was spending most of her time reading a lot of books fell in love with a very strange man, who was aloof, suffered from depressions, came from a broken family and was not ready to love. But he reminded her of mysterious, yet sometimes evil characters in the romantic novels she read. He rejected her love, broke her heart and left her lonely and miserable. Her younger sister on the other hand could not care less about books. She was sociable, playful and had plenty of friends. She had a fiance since she was bearly a teen and she got married young. So pretty much this is the lesson we need to learn. If you want love forget the fantasy, the media, the books. Socialisé and communicate with real people and there never will be a problem.
I have to admit that what love has turned out to be is quite different from what I had previously envisioned love to be. What I can say is that the journey that first started back in late March of this year and appears to be reaching critical mass now whereby I think a lifelong partnership between my other half and myself can begin is one that I never would have ever imagined in my wildest dreams.
Even with distractions along the way, a couple of wrong turns down one way street and the back alleys of negotiating a relationship we have come to be much stronger now than had we stuck together back in June of this year when I had attempted to create a relationship based upon the application of definitions to delineate where each of stood.
With your help and guidance, in helping me understand all that was unfolding before, I have really reached a good place in my life despite all that has happened.
I certainly can't describe what my state of love is that I am currently experiencing, but I know that it is truly a gift that everybody deserves to experience and share in life.
I'm so glad this is becoming so real to you, Eric. You're as much a part of your love story as she is, and it's the two of you together that will tell how the end of the story goes, as well as every day and every minute in between. I'm so very happy for you!
Peehapae modern people need from love things that are simpler and better at tge same time. Maybe we no longer need "forever" or "happily ever after" or a " prince" or a " white horse" or a castle and a blue Mercedes. Perhapse all we really need is somebody who can communicate with us properly, listen and try to understand what we really needright there at the moment, just day after day one day at a time.
As for the rest of the article, I think I had another, and totally different "Aha" moment while reading it. So this is one of the reasons why so many guys are scared of the word "love". From childhood we are taught to expect unreasonably unrealistic things from this one simple word. Love is something that happens between a Charming prince and a gorgeous princess. Beware if you do not measure up to that standard! Love lasts forever and conquers all! Omg! What if my love doesn't? I will be such a loser and a lier at the same time! If we love each other we'll be together till death us parts. Omg! DEATH! Doesn't this concept of love look more intimidating then the scariest dragon?
Thank you Jane. I am just recently divorced after 20 years and completely heartbroken. I honestly spend 20 years trying to feel loved and accepted. When I look back I was that way growing up as well. I'm sad that for most of my life I have fought to feel loved and accepted. Maybe I was and I just couldn't or can't feel it. Right now, I am stuck in this cycle of begging and pleading with my ex husband to love me, see me for me, accept me. He doesn't want to. He finds it easier to make pretend I don't exist and happily move on. I left him. I left him, hoping he would fight for me. He didn't. I know moving forward that I no longer want to do all the work. I've done that in all relationships in my life because I didn't have enough faith in myself to think that if I didn't, they would. I'm a nurturer by nature. I get joy out of making people feel good, loved and comfortable. I am forcing myself to be patient and not do all the work. Learning to wait for others to meet me halfway and having enough confidence in myself that if they don't, then its not meant to be. Love for me, is making sure the people you care about know you love them. Showing up, being accountable and never taking them for granted. I truly hope and pray that some day I can feel that from someone. Its honestly all I have ever wanted. I need to be secure enough to actually feel it, if its there. I'm not sure I have ever felt loved and I'm not sure why that is.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Jen. Your role is never to beg or plead with someone to "see you" or to accept you. And yet, it's what so many of us learn to do so well. It's such a beautiful thing to be a nurturer, but nurture the ones who give you something back as well. That's where we go so wrong, when we stay and keep trying and keep being the nurturing ones, subscribing to the belief that in the end love will prevail and we will finally be rewarded for all our selfless nurturing.
It doesn't that work that way. Your cup has to be filled too or you become the martyr whose own needs go unmet and unnoticed only because we insist on it being this way because it's the only way we know. It's not selfish to love yourself, to put your own needs first, to refuse to keep giving and receiving so little in return. It's cruel; one of the cruelest thing we can do to ourselves. Change that part, shake that part up from the beliefs you hold there and you will find something more there - for you. It's heartbreaking to discover your life has been spent trying to feel loved and accepted when you never needed that love and acceptance from anyone except yourself, Jen, but it's even more tragic to imagine even one more minute continuing to live like this. There is so much more to life than this!
Thank you, Jane! I think there was one sentence in this long story that gave me that "Aha!" moment. The one that says "love is communication between two people" or something like that. It is very true. Unrequitted love is just a fantasy of one person. But mutual love is nothing but successful communication between the two. Sending messages, interpreting them and giving the answers. This is pretty much all love really is. Not all communication is verbal though. First you look, he winks, you smile, he comes to talk to you, you laugh, he touches your hand...Does that seem like a start of new love? Perhapse, if the two can manage to pull it off together. Then they dance (non- verbal) and talk about life ( verbal) exchange phone numbers, plan dates and so on and so on. If both can communicate their feelings, wishes and aspirations they will feel happy and sussessful in this relationship. Even if evenrually they have a fight and yell at each other all kind of unpleasent things it could still work out as long as both of them get the message and do the right thing about it. But when there is lack of communication ( he does not call, you are afraid to call), confusing or unclear messages, misunserstandings, or people punishing each other but deliberately doing the oppisite of what the other has asked for, or simply ignoring it this is where we can say communication is broken and love is at real perril.
So glad this resonated with you, Nina. The "communication/conversation between two people" is exactly the part that matters more than anything else. It's the part that could also be summed up as being "on the same page", "wanting the same thing" and everything else that true compatibility means.
"But when there is lack of communication ( he does not call, you are afraid to call), confusing or unclear messages, misunderstandings, or people punishing each other but deliberately doing the opposite of what the other has asked for, or simply ignoring it this is where we can say communication is broken and love is at real peril." - Exactly!
Is love a choice one makes? Does one make the choice to love or no longer love someone else? I have encountered others who have shown clinical approaches to relationships. Are they in love, aside of what they may believe? I think explaining the infield fly rule would be easier for me, lol.
Great questions, Wayne. It's a feeling and it's also a choice. As in you feel something, and yet you can see that someone else doesn't feel the same way. What you do with that is always the part that's your choice. There are so many different types of love and relationships, and "definitions" within the same; what matters is what the two people involved want to call it - and what they both can live with - more than what anyone else thinks of it or chooses to judge it by.
I know that I have loved some of my past relationships and maybe even my current one, but I also know that I can't make anyone love me back. If I'm feeling love then I put myself out there in hopes to be received by the other. But I'm still technically single and currently "seeing" someone. There is also someone kinda in the background that I also put myslf out there for. Both men in my perspective ftom the information I have might be afraid to commit, but I don't feel its out of yhe question either. So I continue to live my life and enjoy every day and kerp a lid on thos stupid wandring thoughts of not being good enough. The right one will step up eventually. It might not be either of the current men in my life right now.
Its all about me, what I will llow, tollerate, accpt. And I only want good stuff 🙂
Exactly, Jennifer!
As a single woman, when I'm in love with a man, I feel crazy, futuristic & happy. I can relate to beyonce's song Crazy in love. I'm with this guy part relationship, He's been saying the I love you everytime the convo ends n I've known him for 3 weeks, I feel as if he's wanting to take love faster n I just want to be slow n take the time in getting to know him until Feb n if I still like him I'll make it official on Valentine's Day 2015. He's a very nice guy n he's the right height for me n my close family n friends say the age doesn't matter or height coz he's 22 n soon 23 n I'm 26. I'm still trying to achieve my goal which is being healthy so people I know like my family say that me n this guy are perfect together.
I don't wanna push my love harder with him like Ariana grandes hit love me harder. He's been having dreams n nightmares n I have dreams often, I feel that this part R-ship is too fast but I want him to slow down, 1 of my friends who's a girl said to me that it's the right time to have it.
What comes to my mind with me n this new guy I'm getting know is, How can me n him love each other if I just met him 3 weeks ago,why did ask me out last tue? Etc
I'm not that crazy in love with him right now coz I'm taking it slow n if he says I love u or miss u I would follow on n say it back to him like I love u too n calls me babe n I call sweetie but none of my friends know he's my BF but I would tell them all on the day after Valentine's Day.
Idk if I'm or he's taking it too fast, I feel like saying to him slow down n keep a low profile. I know he's romantic in gestures such as holding hands.
Take it slow, Courtney; if it's the same type of love you're both looking for, this will become more and more clear to both of you over time. There's never any rush for two people on the same page who are looking for each other. Time is the only way you'll know!
Hi Jane
Thank you for that message about love , My boyfriend and I just broke up we were together on and off 10mths, its now finally over and have deleted him fm all contact after our last chat was face to face.I made the decision I cant stay friends with him and still love him, he says he loves me but he can't be in a relationship, he has a problem its him not me I don't understand and feel so heartbroken and rejected.I know I am wasting my time but I love him so much and cant stop thinking about him, I know what love is, we had it and I felt it from him it is to be happy and content and u just want to share your life with him, but like you say maybe his sees love in a different way.
It can be as simple as that, Michelle, no matter how much we feel it has to be about us and we take it so personally. It never is the rejection we think it is. It's so hard to understand how someone can love you yet not want to be in a relationship with you, and yet trying to understand this kind of behavior is only crazy-making for the one trying to figure it out. Find your peace in accepting what is; believing what he says even if you don't understand it and it makes no sense to you. In the end, you deserve to be loved, to be happy, to have it all - not just a type of love with no relationship there. I have never been able to understand how anyone can be friends with someone who they want so much more with, so be proud of yourself for making the best decision that serves you. Of course you feel heartbroken and rejected, but don't take on what isn't yours. It's never the story we tell ourselves it is.
Thank you, Jane for bringing our attention to this. Personally I have no idea what love is. I keep trying to find evidence of what love was for me as a child and I do not want any of that. Love for my family translated into making sure I had clothes, education, a roof over my head and food and constant supervision. Sadly, there wasn't a single moment in which I feel really connected on an intimate level with any of my family members. As a result, I have problems developing intimacy. There's this fear that I feel whenever I think about being myself: no one will like me, they will disapprove of who I am, they will criticize me. And because of that fear I choose to isolate. I don't exactly know how to deal or get out of this internal battle. I'm afraid I won't know when I see it. All I know is what I don't want. But I'm not exactly sure that what I am looking for is going to come to me at some point. There are days in which I am filled with hope and I feel fine, but others like today when I just feel defeated. I'm just scared of not being able to align with love so my soulmate can find me. It is really tricky indeed to define what love is. I know it is for me.
I so hear what you're saying here, Angel. "There's this fear that I feel whenever I think about being myself: no one will like me, they will disapprove of who I am, they will criticize me." So many of these kinds of feelings come from being with people who we should never be with in the first place. And yet we can keep trying to extract love from the very ones who are incapable of giving it to us.
Don't be afraid of not knowing it when you see it. It's because you're open to seeing something different than what you've been used to and because you're aware of the cultural and familial influences that shape our deep-seated beliefs about love, that it won't pass you by!
Thank you, Jane for your loving words. It's comforting to know that you get what I'm feeling. Sometimes it is not clear to me if I am choosing people who just aren't a good fit for me or if it's that I am being unrealistic. But I do know that right now it feels like I have been pining for the wrong people for far too long. I hope that little by little I get to understand what love actually feels like. I will as always keep you posted.
Big hug to you.
And you will, Angel!
Thank you Jane.
You have given us some more perspective yet again. I appreciate this article because I too believe that its a personal thing.....what love is for me and I feel and interpret it and how I give love and show it.
I have been reflecting on my past relationships with men in particular and one thing that I myself have discovered (I actually had written in a journal a few times) that it was always about how they made me feel. If I was with them after more than a couple dates then I knew I had feelings for them. But so often I would get that gut feeling that the man wasn't reciprocal. I would start to feel it was time to move on.
Another thing I have discovered of late is how all of my personal intimate relationships affect my reaction ( not sure thats the right word) to new relationship between me and a man.
In my current relationship I feel safe and protected when I am with him, always good. But When I am not with him and things are rocky with my kids (I have five daughters 24,22,19,17 and 10) I immediately start to fantasize that things are rocky with him. Its been a real journey in self discovery for me. I have discovered that I need to focus on the actual events or facts if you will, to maintain my sanity in a "loving" relationship.
This is where the part about how we are given love as children comes in, so my role as a mother and the trials and tribulations I have endured since I left and divorced there father are huge factors in my self worth. I think I have finally over come that and am finally able to "accept love" in a loving caring relationship.
So for me I am always going to think about all of my relationships in a different light, coming from what is real and what we all tend to do, and what is imagined.
I think this is a much better place to come from. Definitely always focus on how you "feel" with whom ever you are with not how you imagine things to be when you imagination is running wild. Forget the what ifs and focus on what you know and feel. The best advice I have is stop texting, live in the present, talk on the phone in between actual dates and together time. That way its always real.
Always present your best most loving, hon3st, authentic self.
Thanks for adding your thoughts here, Jennifer. I especially love how you described this - "I have discovered that I need to focus on the actual events or facts if you will, to maintain my sanity in a "loving" relationship." Exactly! If we can see these actual facts as information that helps us to know more to choose for ourselves if this is what we want, we take our own power back where it belongs - with us in the present, not in the past or the future but right here with us as we decide what we can live with and what we can't. Thank you!
What a great article yet once again Jane. I swear you're reading my mind! Lol. This is an awesome subject that you have chosen to write about cuz im experiencing something that's never been an issue in my past relationships but it's a major issue in my current relationship. Im also trying to find any other reason for this other then the actual truth, that my bf really doesn't love me and he won't admit it. The whole problem is i've never been in a relationship where you don't tell somebody you love them every day at least once or twice a day. To me that's just how it is and that's what I need but it's not what I'm getting from my boyfriend. We've been together almost 2 years now, I waited for him to tell me he loved me first and he did about six months into our relationship. I figured after that, as its been with my past relationships, that after you say it for the first time, you continue to say it like before you leave or before you go to bed & things like that. I even asked friends and family there opinions and their perception of how it is and they all agree that its normal to continue to say I love u daily and what I am experiencing isn't so normal. After he said it for the first time he didn't say it again and weeks went by until I couldn't take it anymore. I lost it and told him everything that I was thinking and feeling which turned into an argument and made him think I was totally crazy. He thought it was a joke a couldnt Believe that I'd been so upset for the past two weeks that the reason was because he wasn't saying I love you. he has said in the past he has trust issues but that he wouldn't of said it if he didn't mean it but that doesn't mean that he's going to say it all the time. Well to me that's just really weird if you love somebody you tell them, if you don't love them, you don't tell them. And I tell him all the time & he doesn't ever say back. when I tell him I love him, he'll say no you don't. we've had many arguments and conversations about this whole deal and I keep telling him that I think it means that he doesnt love me. His response to that is, how do you know? To me if somebody doesn't say it back or doesn't say it at all then they obviously don't love you. Am I right for thinking this way or am I missing something? Could I have this whole perception of what love is wrong and maybe it is me or is what I'm feeling valid and am I wrong for saying that he doesn't love me just cause he doesn't say it when I need that reassurance and he knows that but he's not willing to give it to me. is that okay? who's right who's wrong or is there a right and wrong? that's what I can't figure out and if you could please help me try to understand better I would greatly appreciate it
A year ago i had met a woman who i fell in love with we talked everyday and skyped yes it was a long distance romance that led to me moving in with her, to make a long story short it fell apart i was devastated, hurt, confused, and slightly betrayed by her actions. But yet it was me also not communicating with her how i was feeling because i felt she was berating me and putting me down , i reacted on her actions I felt under apreciated and it made me feel worthless and weak . Love is not supposed to hurt ! , i felt she had to use conniving tactics to get rid of me and tell friends i was this horrible person.
It becomes clearer when we give back to someone their words and opinions of us and refuse to carry them on ourselves anymore, Joseph. It's not you, it's not her, it's two people on two different pages who are now free to find someone who is on the same page as both of you. In someone else's eyes and heart, you will be the most wonderful person. Not horrible, not worthless, not weak, but the beautiful person you truly are for someone who's been searching their whole life for someone just like you!