One of our dear readers (who has asked to remain anonymous, so I've chosen to call her "Flower") has a boyfriend who is very loving and caring one moment, then suddenly becomes emotionally distant.
She's wondering if she should move on, or if there's something she can do that will make him want to be with her.
Here's her story:
I have been dating this guy for two years, today is actually our anniversary, which he has not mentioned at all whatsoever.
As soon as I tell you all this you are going to say 'dump him & move on' but I just can't.
Sometimes I want to, but other times I look at him and think of all the good parts of our relationship & I just can't.
When things are good they are great, like amazing, he's caring and loving and all that. But he grows very distant for at least a week once a month.
During these times he claims we spend too much time together and he just wants to be free, when in reality we only spend weekends together and he doesn't even have many friends anymore to hang out with.
He claims we are too close and he doesn't want to settle down (and I'm not ready for that either, but I like the idea of having a future with him). So I give him a week away, although it kills me and sometimes I may still bother him, but in any case, he comes running back saying he missed me and acts like nothing is wrong.
I am always there for him, but he is not always there for me back, because we get too close and he gets scared.
I was reading before about how their relationship with their dad are a big factor, and his dad abandoned him when he was like 5 and they haven't spoken since he was 13.
He doesn't ever buy me little things to show he was thinking of me and it's not like I ask for much. He doesn't tell me that he loves me, I think he said it to me 4 times in our whole two years, because he keeps comparing me to old relationships.
We work together now too and all he wants to do is talk business, and I don't want to be all business.
How do I change that?
There is so much more to say, but I could go on for days. Basically, I love him and I want him to be the one because I think he can be if he just lets me in.
So what can I do to make him let me in and want to be with me?
Or should I just move on and if it's meant to be it will be?
My Response:
Dear Flower,
It's never as simple as "dump him & move on" when it's your relationship you're talking about. Our feelings run so deep, our expectations are so wrapped up in the time we've invested in someone, that of course you need something more than just those words that are easy for someone else to say who hasn't walked in your shoes.
You want to know there's some other way.
And there is.
You take back your own power before you give him or your relationship one more thought.
How do you do this?
You accept the reality of what is, of who he is, of how he treats you, of his need for space. You accept that you can't change him by trying to show him your worth, by playing games with him, or by trying to convince him of anything that he doesn't come to on his own.
You accept that the only person you can change is yourself and because of that, you are the one who is completely in control of this relationship, no matter how much it seems that he holds the cards.
He doesn't. You do.
And from this place of acceptance that you can only change yourself and not him, you ask yourself what you it is you really want. What is he worth to you? What is being with him - having in your life on his own terms that he has clearly defined for you – worth to you versus having everything you want from someone who can give it to you but isn't him, worth to you?
- Can you live with his need for space and the high value he places on his own freedom?
- Can you live with him not buying you small tokens that you equate with him showing he's thinking of you?
- Can you live with him only telling you he loves you 4 times in the whole two years you've been together?
- Can you live with being compared to his other relationships?
- Can you live with rarely talking about what you want to talk about instead of what he wants to talk about?
- Can you live with all the things you say you could go on and on about for days?
Because this is the point. You say you love him. But what really do you love about him? What does that really mean when you look at what you're getting from him and what you're longing for from him? How do you reconcile the two?
This is the reality that we fight so hard in the name of what we call love.
It's not about you wanting him to be the one "because I think he can be if he just lets me in." That's such a huge "if" that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. We can waste away so much of our beautiful lives waiting for that if only moment that so rarely ever comes and at such a great expense to our own self-esteem and self-confidence.
So, you ask, "what can I do to make him let me in and want to be with me? Or should I just move on and if its meant to be it will be?"
Focus on you, Flower.
Create your own life despite what he does or doesn't do. Decide what you can live with and don't worry about how much time you've already invested in him or what anyone else will think.
You only answer to you. If it's space he wants, holding on tighter to him or becoming more demanding of him or resenting him for being himself isn't going to help. It isn't going to change him. You have to do what you need to do for you. If you choose to move on, if it's meant to be it absolutely will be.
But you can't be the only one who wants this. What's meant to be comes about because of two people who are on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do what it takes to make that happen. That's how "what's meant to be" happens.
But what matters right now is what is. Can you live with everything that's in that reality of today? It's not just today, but tomorrow and the next day and the next? Can you live like this with him if nothing changes? This is your life, not his.
You're the only one who can answer this.
I hope this helps you see your way clear.
Love,
Jane
It's a familiar road for so many of us. What do you think? Should Flower just move on? Share your thoughts, your own stories, and any advice you may have for her in the comments.
I think flower should read the books called rules to dating by Ellen Fein . I have a guy just like him who runs hot and cold this book helped me get it about men.. It stinks to walk away after so much time invested but i found more happiness in spending time with me and people who r on the same page as i am.. just sayin..
Flower here, yes the person who wrote in, with an update! Turns out the day after I posted this, the day after our anniversary he surprises with a gift and dinner, saying 'gotcha thought I forgot didn't i?' Then I was like I thought you forgot and I wasn't gonna mention it. He says that he thought it was 25 and I think it was the 24th either way I was quick to judge. As I've mentioned in this last article, he likes his week of alone time. For example since this happened we have had amazing time together (no more focused on strictly business) but having some talks about positive futures. Then like clock work he gets on his period (the week after mine lol) and is all about his alone time. I hate giving him his alone time because when he's alone he thinks too much about the uncertainty of where his life is heading and I'm saying he takes it out on me purposefully but I am one of the only people he talks to. But it's always like when he's sad or feeling weird, everything in his life has to be weird including me. But after a week he's back to normal. I can't seem to give him his alone time, it just worries me that he is going to end it or something and it's hard to concentrate knowing someone you love is slipping away. But I don't want to lose him and I guess guys do tend to like their alone space. So should I give it to him and not bother him? Or still keep in contact and just not see him until he is ready? It sucks cause he's my best friend and he is the person I want to be with all the time and I know he feels the same way just not for a week a month apparently. He says he wants to be alone and is enjoying his alone time to read and write, but it's not like we see eachother everyday, it's usually just the weekends thurs-sun or fri-mon. Or I don't know maybe that is a lot of time together? I'm from a big family so I like being around people even if we aren't doing the same activity, he on the other hand is an only child...
So nice to hear from you, Flower, and have this update!:) If he wants his alone time and you don't want him to have it, then you have to decide if this difference is a dealbreaker, if you're both on two different pages that are too different for you. Can you fill that time with something special for you? Can you use it to focus on creating more of a life for yourself? Everyone's different, so it's not about what a "right" amount of time spent together is, it's about what works for both of you. You may have hit on something here - that it has something to do with your different family situations, but again, what that means to you both getting your own needs met with that difference, is what matters. Only you know what he is worth to you.
Flower, I agree with Jane. I was going through something similar and with the help of Jane's articles I learned to take MY life back. When I did that I felt so good. I was sad that I broke it off with my boyfriend but I was sick and tired of his distance and unwillingness to hear my feelings. Two weeks after we split he got in touch with me and wanted to put the effort into our relationship, but he had to want that, I couldn't have made him want it. I didn't jump back into the relationship but instead I took things slow, just to make sure he wasn't just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear. I must say we are happy and working toward a future together now. Long story short, I agree with Jane when she says that if it's meant to be, it will be. That sentence, that cliche saying really made all of the difference in the world to me and how I viewed relationships.
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story, Ang. I'm so very happy for you!
HI Flower
I know exactly how u feel. I have been dating a man for nine months. He wants to b with me, however, he also makes it clear that he does not want ro b with someone in hia living future. He has things he wants to do but never refers to me.
So I enjoy b with him but I want to b wirh someone who wants all of me. I am doing alot of soul searching. I already know what I want I just need to end this. As much as it hurts I have to. I want to b wanted as much as I want him.
Good luck
Flower should not only move on but learn to see behavioral red flags in men.
In fact, ALL WOMEN should learn this. What I see is many women here jumping into a relationship and then trying to coach these WEAK MEN on what they should be doing. It is sad!
I'm trying to duplicate myself for all of you by having a Facebook community page with the theme of "chivalry"...but that's all I can do...YOU MUST learn to avoid these what I call "hope killers". Look back at these men you chose and make the connection between their attitude, behavior and lifestyle.
You're giving way too much of yourself away too soon rather than making them work for it.
I often use the phrase, "...you're either part of the solution, or part of the problem..."
I rarely find someone that has EVER been alone for a good amount of time...enough to observe other relationships...the mistakes your friends make that you can NOW see because you're alone and without a man...the time that helps you grow and meet your own needs in healthful ways WITHOUT a man because you have no choice. You have no choice because you're committed to NOT compromising.
Men learn that there are plenty of women out there willing to compromise. How do they learn this? From other women that do...DON'T BE ONE! Being one makes you part of the problem. Wouldn't it be nice to wash your hands clean and say, "I'm not a contributor to the creation of poor minded men."? I've watched some of you women. You purposely pick men with problems and insecurities because this makes your insecurities acceptable. You know he's not smart enough to challenge them...and he won't make you feel judged but loved and accepted for who you are. So you think you'll just get with him and you'll both magically mature together and you use the cliche, "No one's perfect." No one is of course so let's just throw the baby out with the bath water shall we?
The same God that made you knows what you're worth but you don't or care to know because you'll settle for anything that makes you feel better than being alone.
Sorry...It doesn't work that way...you're paddling upstream...you're safe now that you have a boat to keep from getting wet but asking why do I have to keep paddling? Where's the rest stop?
You and I know there was always that GUT INSTINCT telling you something is wrong by jumping in because this is just life and other girls go through it. That's just cold feet. Every girl gets that. No. You girls have that special 'sense' when it comes to men that you think is just a burden...a little angel that keeps you from having fun. But it's not because you're saying, "I just KNEW..." or "I should have listened...".
Being alone is good but being lonely is NEVER good. Being in a relationship can make you actually more lonely because you thought you would have your needs met. You raised your expectations so now you're even more let down. Being alone for a LONG time is positive reinforcement to find happiness and content so that when YOU DO find a man worthy, the SMALLEST thing he does is now BIG.
BRAVO!!! ENOUGH SAID!!!
Thanks! Nearly every single article that Jane writes can be combated with what I just said 😉
Not following the theme of what I just said will make for a cold, bitter and emotionally unavailable girl. Exactly one of the major complaints of men discussed here.
You said it beautifully Knight! The sad thing is that most of the ladies reading will not take heed. They don't believe that true love is not "hard work", and that they cannot change other people. The lest kindness showed to them makes them fall in love "forever" and they are willing to suffer through the storms. I always say be kind to yourself and don't spend time with anyone unless they treat you as well as you treat them. True love is a two way street!
I was in the same boat...I tried to focus on the positives but deep down I knew he wasnt going to change.. My ex could be loving, caring person , spoiling me with small things and we did have some great outings but when he was in his moods which was quite regular so outweighed the positives I was left walking carefully on egg shells as to speak, nothing I tried worked even giving him space.
In the end I had to look at what I really want in a partner in a relationship and sadly he made it easy for me to break up as when we went for our trip in thailand we ended up having a argument and he stormed off into the streets and came back hours later. I found out that he went for a massage and received that extra special (sex). There suddenly I realise he is not worth my time.
I was in a two year relationship with a man who sounds familiar to yourself.
He would be hot and cold with me,sometimes loving and the best boyfriend ever,have lots of laughs to telling me it he wants to see his friends more,not sure what he wants and feels at times with me.I went on like that for 2 years,by the end of it,i was messed up emotionally,felt insecure,worthless and desparate to keep wanting him back,even after a tif if he would pull my down alot.I was so in love that i just could not see what i was doing and how i was being treated.
Thank god,i finally walked away.Felt back in control and strong again.
I still cry thinking of the good times we shared but,to be treated like that was unhealthly and would of made me ill.
Got to think is this going to really hurt you more being in this relationship when he blowing hot and cold now when not even living together yet.
I wish you all the best.
Hi Jane,
great work. You have helped so many people out there.
everyone had a story to tell about their life. I will tell you mine. I was very young when I met this guy, my first love. We have been dating 25 yrs. I got pregnant and he found all the stories in the world not to have the baby, such as he had to go abroad and work for a long while. That never happened, but he convinced me that I must have an abortion. To this day we live separate and with our parents who are old. This man is now in his 40s like myself. Still finding all the words to hold me back from moving on. To make matters worse, I had cancer at a young age and other ailments to this day. I never forget and forgive myself for the abortion I had, now that I grieve for a child. Mind you this man is wealthy and is still promising marriage, every year for the past years. I wondered how I couldn't moved on...i throw away my life because of the guilt of the abortion and stayed with him. I am educated, have an okay job, but yet he can't marry me. I know I should let go long time, but hurt, low self esteem and illness kept me back from moving on. Mind you there were many guys who had liked me, now happily married, but I couldn't see myself without this guy. He fed me the world of promises, things I wanted to hear, but no action. Today I regret my life because I am very ill and don't have anyone to help me, a child of my own. This man is still a mama's boy. I just wish I could walk away without regrets and never look back. He turn things around and make me look bad, when the truth is, I think he's a narcissism person. Help me to move on. I need to erase him from my memory.
Thank you for your kind words, Angela. None of us can move on until we forgive ourselves, until we accept where we are and accept where we've come from. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. He can't make you look bad unless you allow him to. You can't be free while you're still taking on what he's putting on you. You can't change the past, but you can let it go by accepting, with compassion for yourself, that you're human, and you're allowed to be. He's not you. He's not your life. Find that little girl inside you and give to her what she's so longing for; your own love and acceptance to fill her own cup so full. It's not outside of you, it's right there within you. But first, we have to learn to give to ourselves. You deserve nothing less than all the love inside you to be felt by your own beautiful self. He's another human being, too. But he only holds this kind of power over you if you allow him to. It begins - and ends - with you.
This as well hits home for me Flower, I am in a relationship of almost 2 yrs as of Nov 16th. I have some of the same issues with my man, I have a conselor I talk to , great friends and family who give me great advice . I struggle with taking it , even if I know that it is right. It wouldn't be fair of me to give you advice when I'm dealing with some of the same things that you are . But I will say that I am beginning to listen to my head now and not so much of my heart, I know what I want in a relationship and I know what I deserve .I also think that we do learn as we go through life and situations, I believe that my boyfriend truly loves me but deep within he is not happy with himself and he is holding on to past things that he has been through ,and until he truly let's go and is happy and content within himself , he will never truly be able to love someone they way they want or deserve to be loved. I am still with my boyfriend and I love him very much but I'm not happy ! Now I have to be strong and stand my ground and walk away because in my heart and in my head I believe that he will never be able to love me the way I want and deserve to be loved. To you flower I wish you the best and hope that you listen to your heart and your head and in the end all we can ask for is to be happy and content within ourselves .. good luck
I don't know what to say because am also In a similar problem.I meet this guy,he always says he love me.but as time goes he told me he had someone whom he want to marry,and I love him so much,that am always woried about what he told me,after we are share things together.please what am I going to do
If you want to live your life with someone where you are "always worried about what he told you", think long and hard about why you're ok with this. There are so many other ways to be living your life, but you're the only one who can choose to change this. You deserve to be loved by more than mere words, but by how someone shows you by their actions.
OMGosh this touched home to its fullest. I must say, I was in the same situation, everything was done on his terms. Of course, when things were good they were good. But, he always found a way to distance himself and than run back. Well after 6 years of bouncing like a yoyo and am happy to say I can live without him. I have tons of friends and family and the longer period of time I don't see him, its becomes easier and easier to deal with. Ladies stand your ground.
So glad you're experiencing the freedom from no longer "bouncing like a yoyo", Latinagirl! What an apt description of living like this!
I need some feedback....Which is really none of my business....but I am going to put here. I have a friend that is dating his son's girlfriend's Mother. The son and daughter were dating first, now the father and her mother is dating...They are sleeping together downstairs (adults) and the (Children) are sleeping together upstairs. Is this a man and woman of integrity and character or just disrespectful? Or is this for another Blog?
To each his own is what I would say, RealDavis. Really, nothing surprises me anymore!
I'll put in my two cents here. Again, I give a lot of credit to Jane so if you're still wading through this "relationship" Flower, I would certainly recommend that you proactively reach out to Jane for help and guidance, it'll be the best use of your money I think.
My circumstances and situation are very much different than yours, but to use a cliche, at the end of the day, I had to make a very difficult choice from very few options: Tell them woman that I've recently ended a relationship with something she probably would not want to hear and lose her, keep quiet completely and remain friends or remain her friend and tell her how I really felt about the state of our being together.
In the end, after much contemplation, I let her know that if she felt as if she were able to have a change about her ability to open up to me both emotionally and physically to let me know and if I were in a position to get back together I would gladly do so. But I made it crystal clear that I could not put my life on hold for her and that for my own well being I would be pursuing a relationship with somebody else who could provide a much more complete relationship than I had had with her.
For you, the dilemma is whether to stay in a complete relationship while the two of you are still in it and hope for the best, or pull the rip chord and find it elsewhere.
Jane is right in that only you can change the situation. His actions make it pretty clear that as of right now, in this moment (because you have to live for today and not for tomorrow--a tough lesson that I have had to learn, grasp and comprehend) he is not on the same page as your are about the relationship that the two of you share together.
Thanks for your male perspective here, Eric. It's always welcomed here. 🙂
Flower,,, all my life I wanted to please first my father then my brother. Then it moved to my boyfriends then my husband I did everthing they wanted I thought,,, and all I ever wanted was there Love that wasn't much to ask. Boy. Was I wrong,,, it took me almost 48 yrs and going to hell and back a lot of lesson from God,,, painful lessons,, that I learned no one will live you when you don't Love/Respect yourself. Once I learned I didn't need anyone,, I was happy with me for once in my life,, being alone yea. I like it!!!. When somebody comes along that we be great,, but that will be in my time, ,, see Flower,, us women,,, we need to be cherished,, let the men come to you WE are worth it. If they know we're worth it, then we know there worth it. Flower you know what to do already listen to your gut!!!! God Bless Love ya honey Cindy
Beautifully expressed, Cindy. Thank you for sharing this. We please and we please until we have so semblance left of ourselves; it's no wonder we lose our way. No wonder you understand like you do.
Hi, Interestingly enough, I was in almost the same situation, albeit not as long. I had been battling making a decision to end a relationship. On the same day things were coming to a head, Jane sent out a very timely article. The just of which and most memorable for me was the idea that if a man is unwilling to commit now, then you both are not on the same page Now, and he isnt't he right one for you Now. That was the fuel I needed to end the relationship, that same day. I'm absolutely worth more than to be someone's question mark. Waiting around for any man to decide to commit, only makes us feel mserable and depleted. I still may miss him from time to time, but in the end, I preserved my diginity and my heart. What I learned from Jane is that we have to make ourselves the priority, and not wait for someone else to do that for us.
Trust your feelings.xox
Exactly, Debbe. So very true.
Jane, first, thank you for your response to Flower, it is excellent and the check list is a real tool to refer to. I am wondering if Flower's man is suffering from depression or anxiety. I've recently realized I am. And I may have been responsible for the demise of a seven year on and off again relationship with a man who must be passive-aggressive, too. Perhaps I was the fastest runner...leaving as soon I saw the pullbacks from him when he was socializing and taking trips with his X wife and grown daughters. I became jealous when I felt his lack of interest in me. All of the clicking or compatibility went away and I'd run home for 6 months or a year to date other wonderful men. But none of them compared to my feelings for "JR”. Then we'd hook up again from mutual gatherings or friends - both of us intensely caring and kind for 3 months - 6 months, then this last time we made it living together for 6 months before it started to unravel. His x and last daughter moved to California and now he wanted to move to the same town near all of them. I had the chance to go with him, but refused as I have a job in the East with 2 years to retire (pension). We grew estranged over it and he has moved. I am heartbroken, yet I now know we were doomed. IT's just we were great for each other at times, best friends and lovers ....I'd say it was half the cake, not crumbs. But saying goodbye this week, he told me bought a house and his X may move in with him. I realize he really loves her and me – but can’t be alone or without the daughters- lots of drama. I am in counseling to get over my anger, bitterness, and jealousy, although I am so depressed and hurt. The hurt is a self-esteem issue.
I was too anxious, clingy or jealous- I now can admit I was. Perhaps Flower is too, and with counseling she can boost her self-esteem and understanding of releasing her beliefs or wants from the guy in her life, she can create a caring relationship. She seems very fond of him, and perhaps can do the list.
I found out too late to save our relationship – but we may maintain our friendship. I do know I have hope that I have a lifetime of good moments with friends to come and perhaps I will be Ms Right to Mr. Right in my lifetime.
Thanks for adding so much here to this conversation with your own experience, Annie. As you are seeing, there is always hope for each and every one of us!
Flower I feel for u, I can easy relate to this. I've met a friend through a friend n at 1st they didn't want a r-ship but I did. So I secretly was romantic n my other friend told him to hold my hand whilst crossing, he sometimes held my hand underneath the table n it was awkward n all of my friends were saying to me u going with this guy n I said nope, so I end the r-ship on my. Rite day last year coz he never kissed or said I love you n my friends took him away from me n wanna join In when the boys had their nite out. I wanted time with him but my friends who r boys took him to football matches n cinemas. 1 friend who's a guy says I'm blushing for him but I don't but I blush at the men around me on the train. So this year he's been getting to me up close like holding on to my shoulders n kiss me but never has asked me out n wants me to ask him out but I'm too shy to do it, If that guy becomes my bf all my boys who r my friends will be jealous n I don't want to make them jealous. I'm keeping it as a close friends n I'll keep finding a guy who's right for me
And you will find him, Courtney! And he'll find you!
I dont know what made you send me this email but its what im going thru right now and i know that hes going thru things but so is eveyone else but i think for years of being convient i no longer want to be on stand by i know we care for each other and want more howevere i inderstand that he will not change so i have to move on snd not be available anymore no matter how much i want to see him so i no longer want to set myself up for disappointment.to miserable again so FLOWER MOVE ON AND I WILL TAKE MY OWN ADVICE AS WELL BECAUSE THE BEST IS YET TO COME and with that love self more because there is someone watching and it will be worth the wait
Thank you, Charlotte. It's always our own advice that's the hardest to take when it's our own situation!
First up..I really feel for Flower..i think he's quite a selfish person n he's taking her for granted. I completely understand her bcoz I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I hate myself for letting it go on..though..I have started to be less emotionally involved. I tell myself to SEE n ACCPET that actions DO speak louder than words. I think Flower can keep contact with him if she wants, but stop being there for him at his beck n call. Such men keep women hooked like a fish to a bait. When they sense that we are backing away, they come up with sweet words to stop us from walking away. They are aware that we are vulnerable to them n they take advantage of our emotional state. They want us in their lives ONLY as a convenience. Now I hear whatever he says with one ear n let it out from the other. As you say Jane, I have realized I have the power to completely walk away any time I choose to. He says please don't walk out. Fine. I feel Flower should show him only as much commitment as he shows her. Maintain the level of doing for him only as much as he does for her. I know it's very difficult. N Flower must realise..like I did..that if he is not going any further with commitment, she deserves so much more..certainly not some one who will give affection when HE wants to..everything on HIS terms. N if that is difficult for her to do..like..so near, n yet so far..she should completely walk away. That will make him realise her value n he will start treating her equal. If not, she is definitely better off without him. I have made a no- more-tears promise to myself. I will be friends with him, but will NOT allow him to rule me emotionally..no matter WHAT he says. We ladies too should show them with action. They will understand. Sorry for such a long post. I wish the very best to Flower n all the ladies. Good luck!!
What you describe is exactly what I was doing. Giving in to all his needs and living for his convenience. Not no more, but he is texting me now and telling me things I'm not even asking anymore. Buddy, I don't care as much as I did before. You see buddy, I'm living my life and I'm okay not to have you in it anymore. If feels good ladies. You can take back the reins without saying a word.
So true, Latinagirl!
"I have made a no- more-tears promise to myself." - Beautiful, Renata. When you've been there, oh how much you understand!
I hope you are right.. I know, as conceited as it sounds, he can't find anyone as good to him and loves him as much as I do, and I'm pretty positive he knows that too. I just wish it didn't require a breakup to make him realize that.
Greetings Jane
How are you? With so many readers you should get a slot on the Ellen Show.LoL. Thank you for such an amazing blog. Your advise is priceless and very useful. Short story. I met a guy in August 2014. We exchanged numbers and that was it. About a week later, he texts me at 1:57am saying Hey Yu. I was furious. Thenat 2:00am I get a mysterious call from a woman leaving her name and number. On my voice mail to contact her. Right there was the biggest red flag ever. I knew I was not going to date this fool. So i never responded. 3 weeks later at 10 pm He calls me wanting to go on adate. I asked him about the late text and phone call from mystery lady. He quickliy gets me off the phone and says Ill call back. 1 hr later he calls me back with this bullshit. Im in an open relationship and i do me she do her. I asked him so why are you togethet. He says because shes my best friend???? I declined his invitation. I told him I set the rules for me peace out!
Sharri...BRAVO for you!!!!
Nice!! I learned at the end of my 6 years relationship, I should have seen the flags in the beginning. You go out the way you came in. But, you didn't give in to his BS. What a darn jerk.
You're sweet, Sharri. 🙂 So glad you were able to see the "biggest red flag ever". Stay far, far away!
Im actually in the same position as flower..but my boyfriend is really overprotective and I cant go anywhere...so Jane I'll try to focus on myslf cause I have really invested alot of time in our relationship and we love eachother.. So can you you send some pointers how to start the process of focusing on myslf... And thanks
You start by finding that little girl buried deep down inside you, Sweet, and you get to know her. You find out what she would do if she could do anything. She discover where her interests, her hobbies, her passions lie. Who is she really? Without being told what she is or what she should do, what does she long to do? There's some back posts I wrote about living your own life, about finding what you're looking for in you, about discovering the missing piece inside you. You can go anywhere you choose to go, but unless you realize this yourself, you won't be able to. It's the stories we tell ourselves that keep us stuck. You're so not alone in feeling the way you do!
I'm 25 and his 44,and we',ve known each other for quiet some time now.for the past month his been distant and l've tried to make things work between us but he remains distant. L was at his house 2days ago and in the morning when we woke up,l found a condom wrap on the floor, which was not the one we had used. L gave it to him and he laughed and said do you want an explanation, l just kept quiet because l was already angry.he then tells me that he used it with one of his ex girlfriend from way back and he noticed that it was wrong. L then asked him what his intentions where with me.he said he needs time to think about it.this gut knows how much l care about him but he takes it lightly, one minute l wanna live him and the next l miss but for now lm fed up of his infidelity and just wanna move on with my life.l wish l can just erase him from my mind but unfortunately l cant.all l want is a man who will love and care for me,the same way l do,but clearly l've never met such.
I know it is easier said than done. But, cry your tears out, feel sorry for yourself, go through all the emotions you feel you need to release. In time, if you start looking at yourself in the mirror and spend more energy on yourself, believe you will see the big picture. There is so much life to live and we get so consumed by letting ourselves go and directing our energy on them. Girl live it up!! Your only 25 and he is 44. In 10 years he will be 54 and not to spunky anymore and you my dear will be in your prime 35 years of age. C'mon, you can do it. Save your energy and love for someone who will return it to you as well.
If someone needs time to think about it, Busi, you already have your answer. You deserve so much more than this!
Jane, thank you for another wonderful article .
It keeps amazing me how wonderful the women are on this forum , we are all intelligent, loving, beautiful women and yet we continue to accept less that what we truly deserve.
We have all been there, made excuses, accepted poor behaviour and even sometimes abuse by the men in our life.
But then I have to wonder would these men put up with the same behaviour if it was dished out to them , or would they confidently just walk away, like so many of them do when their gut feeling tells them something does not feel right and how many do without even a word??
Only Flower can decide what is best for her at this moment but I love your advice Jane about making herself a priority, and doing what is nourishing and investing in her
In life we go through whatever lessons we need to learn , grow, but importantly to love ourselves unconditionally
All the best Flower
Blessings to you
Rosy
There are an equal or greater number of men who have been treated by women in a cruel, hateful manner and have left men wondering where to turn and struggling to not stigmatize.
Nice article, Jane. Kind and wise advice that helps many of us.
I know, Wayne. And my heart goes out to each and every one of you. Thank you for your kind words. You will come through this yet.
Exactly, Rosy! You're seeing this so clearly for yourself and it's beautiful to hear back from you reflected in what you say to another beautiful soul who walks such a familiar path. Thank you.