Our dear friend Sarah is in a committed relationship with her boyfriend, but he won't take that commitment to the next level. He says that he's not ready to commit to her further.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
A few months ago, my boyfriend of 2.5 years (he's 28 and I'm 32, and we don't live together) and I were planning on buying a house.
We discussed legal aspects (i.e. what happens if things don't work out), financial aspects and I felt like we were on the path to home ownership. We decided against it because the market is not very good and I think we both realized it was too soon for us anyway. Since then, we haven't had any conversations about moving in together.
I got the feeling from him that he had changed his mind and wasn't ready.
The other day, I asked him if he would ever want to live with me, and he gave me a very confusing answer - that he loved me very much, but felt like he wasn't ready to settle down. That he never got to live the bachelor life and that he doesn't feel ready financially, mentally or socially. The confusing part is that he said he feels like he wants to meet more people and have more fun and I'm not sure if he means guy friends or females.
We have a connection that I've never experienced. We are very easy going, communicative and don't fight. We have the same goals, don't want children, and make long term career plans with each other in mind.
His family, friends and I get along amazing. We have a ton of fun whenever we're together, and thoroughly enjoy our quality time together. We have a lot of the same interests, have the same sense of humor but also have our separate interests and passions that we encourage each other to pursue.
We vacation together for weeks on end and don't drive each other crazy. We are always in each others plans for the future, the near future anyway, such as where we want to vacation during the next year and how we can prepare for our financial future. He kisses me on the forehead regularly and looks at me with a love in his eyes that makes me believe I am truly his number one.
In short, his actions and his words are saying two different things and it's got me really confused.
During our lengthy discussion about commitment, I told him I would not be someone's second choice, if indeed he wasn't sure if I was the one for him and wanted to keep his options open.
He told me he wishes we had met when he was a few years older. The thought of us breaking up made us both cry as we held each other. We decided to stay together, even though I'm aware that anything can change, but realistically, that's a risk we take even if both parties are committed.
I don't have a lot of friends and we talked about how our social lives consist of us hanging out with his friends/family and doing things that he suggests or initiates. I have a business that requires me to work alone and I've found it has made me slightly isolated and I don't have a lot going on in my life.
I think a part of him wishes I was more outgoing, fun, exciting, and engaging.
In the past few days, I've found myself trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics. I've also been analyzing his words and actions, I think in search for some clue that he's swaying one way or the other and so far, he's just like normal; loving, fun and committed to making me happy.
But I know I can't do this forever, looking for proof he picks me/commitment, as it will drive me crazy. My brain says break up with him, as I've learned from previous experiences that we always miss the red flags and I don't want to feel stupid down the road when/if he breaks up with me.
But in my heart, I know that he loves me more than I think anyone has ever loved me and I think he's smart enough to know he won't ever find anyone as good as me - actually he's told me that.
I've been thinking of giving him 6 months and then coming back to this with him to see if anything's changed. If not I'll have to end it.
I don't want a commitment to move in together right away, just a "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you" from him. I know what I deserve and want in life. Everything I read on your site says to me I need to end this relationship. Do you think maybe this is different?
Thanks so much,
Sarah
My Response:
Dear Sarah,
The part that makes every relationship different is that it’s your own.
You know what he has to offer. You know where he stands. You know what you have with him. And you know very clearly what you want – a commitment that says "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you."
But that isn't what you're getting from him. You have a guy who is being honest with you, letting you know that “he loves you very much, but feels like he isn't ready to settle down.” And you are. And you are being very wise to believe him, to hear what he’s saying, to not make excuses for him, but to take him at his word, even if his actions give you reason to hope.
The fact that you're 32 and he’s 28 may have something to do with this; as you're ready for more of a commitment – and understandably so! – while he doesn't feel the same urgency.
And because for men in our culture, there is never an expectation that he should be settling down like there is for women, it feels normal for him that he would want to experience that bachelor life that is widely marketed in so many ways around us.
I suspect this is what he’s talking about, too, and why he feels he isn't in any hurry to commit to you, regardless of his feelings for you. It’s two different things.
But this isn't about him; it’s about you.
It’s about what you need to be happy, it’s about what you can live with and what you can’t. It’s not about settling, it’s about making a choice knowing full well what it is your choosing, and what you’re giving up and what you’re not. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you’re looking for from him and what he is and isn't able to give you.
My concern is that you’re “trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics.”
When we go down the path of trying to be more of what we think someone wants us to be to try to convince them of our worth, and why they should want to be with us in the committed relationship we’re looking for, we can do so much damage to our self-esteem and confidence by feeling like because we are not getting our desired response that there is something “wrong” with us, or that we’re somehow not “good enough” for them. When in reality, this isn’t about you being enough of anything for him, it’s about his own desire to live the bachelor life, as he says, and do what he feels he needs to do for himself. This has nothing to do with you.
Take your own power back, Sarah, because this is about what you can do, not what you can’t.
Because you can do a lot.
You have a timeline, which is your own inner gauge of how long you’re willing to wait to see if anything changes. But in that timeline, don’t spent your time waiting. There’s so much more to life than waiting for someone to be ready, to be on your same page, to see what you can see so clearly.
Don’t let your business isolate you; go find the life that you want for yourself. Don't make him the center of your universe. Give him some space to be himself while you discover your own true self. Be true to yourself. Find the people, the hobbies, the activities that fuel your own passions.
Don't spend your time focusing on him and where he’s at – that does more damage to you than you can imagine. Don’t nag, don't try to manipulate or control him. Don't play games. Just be yourself. Be honest with him and yourself. And be your authentic true self.
Keep your own options open and adopt the mindset that you are the one who’s the prize here - because you are!
When you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy, you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up or come around and be something he can’t or won’t be.
And when you live your life like this, you’ll allow him to discover if he's ready to take things to the next step on his own, because that’s the only way you want it.
That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!
Do you have any words of advice or support for Sarah? Or can you relate to her story? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
I know the type. It is called a 'stringer' Stringers string women along for YEARS and sometimes decades (if you let them). They are not bad people per ce, they could be actually great people ..except that they can't give you want YOU need. End of story.
I usually give these dudes the benefit of the doubt, let them know what I want and watch. If after a certain time frame they do not deliver - it is over.
I have dated A LOT (I'm in late 40s) and over time I have learned to recognize the signs. A man either wants you and does all the right things without any effort on your end OR he does not want you and therefore excuses excuses excuses.
They are a one big walking excuse. A pathetic one I would say. I personally have VERY LOW tolerance for men making excuses. Been there, done that.
The writing is on the wall! If I may - here is some more empowering reading
Please recognize he is the 'type', damaged goods, a defective product. You cannot expect for the pear tree to produce apples. Your only fault here is staying with them. Be a smart foxy lady and kick them to the curb! You deserve better life than this 'nobody' ruing your mood every single day. Who do they think they are?? Exactly!
Wow Sarah, You have just shared my story, only I have taken much longer to reach this point than you have.
I have dated my boyfriend for 5.5 years, we started when I was 25 and he was 28 so we were young and silly and not expecting it to go anywhere. But we love eachother, we have fun doing the same things, we go away together - all those perfect happy couple moments. But I want more. We said we'd move in together in a year, it became two years, then three. and i kept making excuses for him. oh he's just stressed. oh he likes his space. I've always wanted to live on my own for a bit. None of these excuses I truly believed - deep down - but they helped when engaging with other people and after a while they become normal. And then boom 5 years later and we still live in separate apartments, I still travel to his place to spend time with him, he still cant commit.
I love him. I honestly do. he gets me and all my silly quirks, he makes me laugh from my gut. I have had the most wonderful time and experience with him which I wouldn't trade for a thing in the world. But it's time to move on.
I know I need someone that can say 'I want you in my life forever', and he just can't. Or he wont, because he's not ready.
And so I know this is the end. And I know it's the hardest thing I will ever do, but self preservation comes first.
I know I will never be younger than I am today, so I must stop wasting time.
But oh how scary it is.
Good luck - make the right choice for you. But listen to that voice inside. somethings up. you can feel it.
omg, sarah is practically me. although i am younger, 24. but still everything she is saying I am pretty much going through. my boyfriend is a lot more difficult, he's an only child with a father who deserted him at a young age. And I don't want to bring up these issues cause I know it's just going to push him away and I dont want that.
Jane I've emailed you before- I'm 28 and broke up with my 35 year old boyfriend after 3.5 years together because he wouldn't commit. He even said he was going to propose last Christmas but HE DIDN'T. I've been dating a lot and a couple of months ago I actually found one who couldn't wait to be my boyfriend and who talks about marriage and kids and a future with me
Sarah what I want to say to you is RUN. It's going to hurt like hell for a while, but love shouldn't be this hard. You shouldn't have to convince a man to want to be with you and to commit to you. There are men out there who will WANT to commit to you and it will be their idea. You could stay with this guy who is waffling but do you really want to sign up for more of that? it's miserable, I know.
I meant as great as you think *they* are.
Hi Jane. How come everybody I know is married, with kids, or at least in some long term relationship now. I'm 30 years old and I feel like I missed the boat. It's been years since I've even had something close to a relationship. How do i stop wondering whats wrong with me? What is this basic thing that I don't get, that pretty much everybody around me seems to naturally understand and make happen? Am I going to be alone forever? It's starting to hurt 🙁
You are not going to be alone forever. Be mindful of your self talk and your thoughts. We create our own reality through them. There is one simple key to live the life that you want, to live a life that makes you entirely happy: loving yourself. You manage to do that and your entire reality shifts. It is simple, yet hard because no one taught us that. In fact, some people are so confused they mistake self love for selfishness. They are not the same thing, I promise you. Self love means treating yourself as the most important person to your own self. To tend to your needs and wants and to treat yourself with respect. To live your life fully aware that happiness and love are already in you and that it is your own responsibility to give this to yourself. They cannot be given by someone else if you don't start with your own self. You don't need a man or a family. You want them. Wanting them is natural and you deserve them, but you need to start trusting yourself, you need to stop abandoning yourself. There are also some questions that can help you understand yourself: why do you want a man and kids? The answer is for you alone. And believe me, the answer is not that obvious if dig deep enough. What does it mean if hypothetically never find them? These are very personal questions and the answer only concerns you and you alone. Know that you are perfect, there is nothing wrong with you. You are amazing and complete. There is nothing to fix. Except discover yourself. Discover who you are and why you do what you do. And also remember to be clear on what you honestly want and don't settle for less. Also, those couples you see around you? You have no idea whether they are as great as you think you are. Many people settle for someone who doesn't quite match them, simply because they are afraid of being alone. Don't fall for that. That makes you more alone than being alone. It's absolute misery and we all deserve better. Big hug.
Thanks for the great reply, Angel. I think the two questions ou asked, why do I want a man and kids... well I want somebody to share my life with and grow with, and the kids.. well it would just be great. Hypothetically if I nevr find them, then I feel that I missed one of the biggest and most meaningful parts of the human experience, and thats why it bothers me. I used to agree that it was better to be alone than in a bad relationship, but I have been so far from any sort of relationship for years now that anything seems better than more of the same. I know thats not true though, but it's lonely. Thanks for the positive words. I do love myself, I just feel like I'm missing out on what I consider one of the most important parts of being human and that is rough. Not to mention it feels like it is happening naturally for everyone else around me. I guess there is a lot that I can't see with relationships though but it's hard sometimes. I appreciate your help!
Reverse your thinking, Sky11. Prove to yourself that it's not this way, and you'll find proof all around you. It's all about what you look at. There's nothing wrong with you, but if keep looking for what is, or what you're missing, you'll always find it. It's what we do so well. Focus on you, on who you are and what you really want and let that be your guide, not what someone else does or doesn't have, not what everyone else seems to get. I wrote a post about this all-too familiar feeling and how it's so much about our own self-confidence that I understand well. I have no doubt it's starting to hurt. It can feel so huge and so hopeless when we're in the thick of it.
Thanks for the response and teh link to the article, Jane! If it weren't for the date on the article, I could swear you had written it specifically to my post. Everything you said matched how I feel. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only person who has experienced this. I've grown past the trying to change for anybody, I do want somebody who wants me for me. I think I've just lost faith that that somebody exists anymore. I guess I need to keep working on reversing my thinking, no matter how much physical life relentlessly manifests the opposite.
I'm so glad it resonated with you, Sky11! You're so not the only one! 🙂
Dear Jane,
I've been dating for about a month after a year of self-work after leaving a long term relationship.
Everything has been going ok so far, he has traits that I am looking for a healthy relationship however I cannot shake the fact that we have a 9 year age gap. I am in my thirties and he is in his twenties. He even looks younger than his age lol, sigh. He is not as handsome as well. I think I may be battling about what my friends and family will think.
I've told him that I would like to give us a chance but I don't want to lead him on if I am unsure of us. What are your thoughts. Thank you in advance
Take is slow and get to know the real him, Star. If you don't focus on the age gap or what your family and friends will think, what do you have? Is this someone who treats you well? Is this someone who's on the same page as you? Is this someone who wants the same things you do? Is he handsome enough for you, or is this about someone else's standards for you? Focus on his qualities, his character - the things that really matter - and ask yourself if he has these. So many of the other things we look for will fall away, but what matters will last for a lifetime. If you're honest with him and take it slow, you won't be leading him on. It's only by slowing things down and really taking your time to get to know someone that you know. And if he's on the same page as you, he'll know this, too.
I hope I can explain this correctly. We are (or can be) in total control of our emotions. When we feel happy or sad because of something that is happening outside of ourselves, we are choosing to feel (react) this way. Each day we wake up gives us another chance to live life the way we choose. If we waste our time feeling bad that is our choice. We could choose to be happy. Just remember, the person you are choosing to feel down and out about is not unhappy at all. Ask yourself how much rent a person pays you to stay constantly in your mind. NONE! Find something you like to do and do it. Give your heart a boost and do something that makes you laugh.
Choose to be happy.
Beautifully said, Carolyn. Thank you for this.
Do not make anyone but you the center of your universe. Doing otherwise can do yourself serious damage, unhappiness and send you down the wrong road. And do not ignore red flags. This is what I have learned.
So true, Wayne. We learn so much the hard way.
Simply put. That is the biggest lesson I am learning right now.
dear sarah
i know what you feel it's not easy to accept the truth that this man can't love you for what you want him to be.
i don't know how can i help you but if you have a time just watch this video at youtube .from joyce meyer and joel osteen ..no one can tell whats God plan of Us...just help your self to focus on whats God will for us..
if this man don't want you for the rest of his Life then let him Go..
Life in this world is not fair but Our God is Justice
remember this God knows who hurt you God knows why your in Pain just let him give your Way:)
Love:Kristine
Thank you, Kristine!
we always love you and thankful Ms.Jane:) after all the pain he cause i decided to forgive him deep here in my heart:) thank you for your time and effort for all the woman out there who experiencing different abuse with there man.
I had a man tell me one time that men take advantage of women because they are so stupid! I thought about that and at least had to agree that many of us are very naive and live in a world of fantasy. We want a certain kind of man, but won't wait until we meet him. We want a certain kind of life, but feel it is all for naught if we don't have a mate. I think we need to have a journal that has in it all the things we like about ourselves. Many people ask us to document the things we want to change about ourselves. I say don't change who you are to make someone else happy. There is a mate who will love you just the way you are. When you find that person there will be no question in your mind about is it real. You won't be worried or chasing him down because he will be chasing you. And another thing.......don't be buying houses or moving in with people thinking it will fix your relationship. A decision like that will bring out the real deal with the quickness. You will instantly learn what misery is. When a person says they are not ready, believe them. A ring is not going to fix it. Move on and don't make yourself available for the periodic hook ups. Keep your Head up and know that FOREVER is a long time. Choose to be happy!
So true, Carolyn. Thank you.
Yes, my last boyfriend has commitment issues because he has issues. He isn't ready. It's been hard thinking we had so much going for us, but not really. He was deceitful. He could have been way more honest up front. Or, I vouls have voiced what I wanted.
I grew from the pain, into who I truly am. Now, my sights are set much higher, a relationship that has what it takes to succeed. 🙂
Keep going!
"I grew from the pain, into who I truly am." - So beautifully expressed, Sherri; so glad you've done this for yourself! It's exactly what happens when we're open to seeing what we can learn from these experiences and use them for our own good, to become who we are truly meant to be without taking on anymore of anyone else's "stuff"!
Dearest Sarah, take a few deep, deep breaths. Then close your eyes and listen. Hush all that other stuff up. Just breathe and listen ...can you hear it ? I know you can. Now you may be trying to quiet it ...there is probably another banter going on drowning out the quiet, still voice. Just keep breathing and listening to that quiet voice. I know you recognize it because its the voice you listened to when you wrote Jane. See(breathing still ) its there affirming what you know. Because it also told you that you didn't have to try so hard , to be what you aren't...you know when you were trying to dress sexier and be more engaging. You remember it now , keep listening, keep breathing. You know what it is and what to do. Know this also, you are going to be with someone who loves you for you. Don't you change a thing . It won't be easy , it will take time but trust, the sun will rise in the morning and set at night. The next one will be the best one ( and if not that's okay too;)! Peace (breathe) be (breathe) with (breathe) you (exhale)
I think Cheri is spot on with all she said.
When I was about thirty years old I had a boyfriend (he was 40 years old) who said to me that I was a wonderful girlfriend but he wanted to see other woman. I had been with him for about 2 years and thought we had a good relationship.
I was very hurt but got over it. Six months later he tried to come back. Apparently he didn't feel he had anything in common or really fit in with his new 21 year old girlfriend and her friends.
I took great pleasure in telling him no he couldn't come back. Several years later I ran into one of his friends who told me that my ex had really regretted what he had done.
If a man wont commit to you then it's goodbye and bonvoyage wouldn't stay there for one second more as Your time is prescious. Don't waste the pretty.
Exactly, Gabriella. You'll always be the first to know if anything changes and then you can decide what you want to do with him then!
You can start off by making distance between you and see if that smartens him up......dress up for yourself! See how he likes that and make him afraid to lose you forever!!
As my son who is 28 told me recently.......if a man really loves you and is ready there are no excuses.....period.....OUCH.....he should know, he recently broke 2 women's hearts in a row.....he is not ready, period; he has also been badly hurt in the past, not ready to commit, but not ready to break up, never got her back......doesn't matter how old the man is. Many men have regrets but not until they never get the woman back because the damage is too great......Brilliant!! Many men who are over 50 are still NOT READY....they act like they are 25 instead and that they just haven't finished checking out all the other women........they are just too stupid to know that the grass is not greener on the other side, or just can't be loyal sadly.....and when they DO go, or worse, do it behind your back.....yes, they may come back and torture you some more, because....YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM......BUT.......they still will not totally commit!! IF that happens, insist on the RING!! My daughter moved on from someone like this......still calling crying, telling her he loves her.....oh, but right......HE WON'T COMMIT FURTHER......she has now started dating a great guy who she said is the BEST so far EVER and well, the other guy.....he's just not ready, give him a year to get ready "without her"........as someone said......"There are consequences for our behavior" and he should feel HIS......it's very very difficult, but if you hang on or he knows you are trying so hard, you will be put on his "string" and that is a bad place to be...believe me I kNOW......or he will dump you and do it again......Believe what he is saying to you!! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT BS........if it's meant to be it will be when the time is right! Hugs to you, this person does not deserve your love right now. I've seen way too many men like this......if he really loves you, he will man up in a few weeks without you!
What is all comes back to - "Believe what he is saying to you!" Thank you for sharing, Cheri.
"but if you hang on or he knows you are trying so hard, you will be put on his "string" and that is a bad place to be" WOW this speaks volume to me thankyou so much for opening my eyes....thankyou Cheri.......and once more a very big thankyou to you Jane you`ve been of great help to me and your articles are always on point, i might not be where i want to be but i`m deffinitely somewhere better.
You're so welcome, Lolly. I'm so glad this is resonating with you!
If I could go back in time 18 years, I would tell myself...don't ever try to be MORE for a man because then you lose yourself...and end up with the same lack of intimacy in the end. If he is not ready to commit...no matter how beautiful, kind, talented and giving YOU are...He is still not willing to give you the committment you deserve. It sucks. But it's not you...it's him. Trying to change yourself will lead you into a black hole and may be a sign of codependence. I know- I am one. You are AMAZING and I'm just sorry you invested 2.5 years with someone who is making such a foolish choice. He refuses true intimacy and he is having the best of you without giving you the safety, stability and future you need and deserve. Buh Bye! It will hurt less to leave now...than to give and give and give for decades and still not be earning or receiving 100%.
It is really honest and insightful that you are recognizing these painful truths. Not suppressing them...That is very admirable, honest, and brave.
Oh so true, Healing! Thank you for adding to the conversation.
I am living with somebody who loves me, yet is not ready to marry.I have made many changes for him. I have always been a rather Bahamian, nature girl. I am thinking it is time I grew up and became more mainstream. I am thinking this change is a gift from God and I should embrace it. I am attempting to be more of a Suzy Homemaker and dress more girly. I do share much common ground with my partner as well and believe he is worth it. He is afraid I will go back to my old ways and is afraid to commit. I am giving him time. I enjoy his company and think he is a wonderful person. I believe I am on a great path.
You've found a path that works for you, Paulette, and that's what matters!
I've dated enough and read enough of those relationship books to know that even if what a guy is saying isn't completely clear to us women, they are definitely telling us where they stand in their own way. You a lucky he is actually telling you how he is feeling. Honestly to me it sounds like he loves you but is not ready for the same commitment you are ready for, or perhaps no matter how much he loves you he doesn't see a future with you, but by telling you he doesn't want to move in is a nicer way to say that. I dated a guy for a year and a half that said I was the only woman he ever truly loved, I was 33 and he was 36. I was the longest relationship he ever had. Yet when I asked him to move in with me, his response was that he was not ready. Then he broke up with me a few months later, with the excuse that he could not give me what I needed, and wasn't ready to give me the commitment I wanted. Wish I had seen that coming and not let it go on as long as I did, but at least he finally grew up, man'd up and ended it. Dating world sucks - but way better than wasting time on a relationship not going anywhere. Good luck.
So well said, Portia. And you're so not alone; we all have that wish that we would have seen the writing on the wall sooner!
When she says she has no social life and her world revolves around him, that's when I get worried. I think we need to make a life for ourselves that doesn't revolve around that guy or else this happens. We make ourselves vulnerable if we don't have our own joy to follow even without them.
So true, Angel; it's what always concerns me, too.
Hi jane, yes I have something to say here. This is exactly what happened to me recently, I was dating this amazing guy, he's exactly what I want in a man. We've been dating for a while but something inside me has been yearning for some kind of committment. He's never addressed me as his gilfriend so I I thought its time I get a hold of him, get some kind of committment, make him mine etc. So I asked, I told him its time to take it to the next level, and he too gave me that 'confusing' answer. He said he has other priorities in life that he doesn't want to commit at this point, that I should keep an open mind, whatever will happen will happen. Then he withdrew totally, and after a few weeks of waiting, I was fed up and decided to end it. I decided to go on with my life, no man is worth putting my life on hold for, cos after waiting and giving him all the time he wants,at the end he might decide he still isn't ready, or worse still he might feel he doesn't want me anymore, and where will that leave me? It'll be devastating. So I saved myself the anguish and frustration of being eventually dumped by the man I gave my whole life to. I decided to take control, live my life and be happy until the man who truly deserves me comes along. I owe myself that. You should do that to sarah, you are beautiful, you are a good person you deserve someone better. Goodluck!
Thanks for sharing your story, Halima. How beautiful your inner strength comes through here! It's in the sharing of our own similar experiences that we find the strength to do what we never thought we could do, when we realize how much we're worth. You're never alone in what you go through!
Jane what you said is do true. I'm sort of in the same situation. My buddy
as he calls our friendship has not tried to commit after six months.
I'm ok with it because no matter how much we pull back he always come
back to me. I know he cares for me but in his time he roll commit. Men
are scared to commit when they don't have it together. I truly believe that.
Hang on there Sarah and do you in the meantime with no complaints
to him. What got him for me is that I flipped the scrip and totally
apologized for not giving him the room he needs and lowering his
testosterone levels and told him that I will give him the time and space
He needed to be the man he need to be. It works...
Thanks for sharing, Cynthia. Your story is exactly the reason why it's not about what anyone else thinks you should say or do; it's about what you can live with and what you can't. It's about what you brings you the greatest amount of peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. And what that looks like for every one of us will be different for each of us. It's that you've found something that works for you that matters!
Greetings Sarah. Peace and Blessings, Short story. I once dated a guy who told me "He wanted to consume my mind and ME". That was the most creepy and selfish thing I had ever heard. I dumped him (2MANY RED FLAGS)! because that was not love that was fear. I did not want a man that consumes ME. I belong to ME. I decided after my divorce not to live in shadows of fear. My time is valuable. So, Don't waste your time. Go for what you want. Don't back down upon it. 1Love..Sharri
You've got it, Sharri!
Hi Sarah,
I really feel for you, and the time and energy you have invested in this relationship is a huge deal. You sound like an amazing woman and he sounds like an amazing guy, but he is telling you loud and clear that he wants to experience the bachelor life. He's being honest with you, while still loving you with all his heart, but as Jane says, this isn't about trying to be an even more wonderful Sarah, you are wonderful just as you are. This is about making YOU your whole world and finding people and interests that are good for you.
Easier said than done, I know, because I'm sure your heart is breaking but in my experience, this is what I'm trying to do, because I'm also in love with a guy who doesn't want to commit after being with him for 3 years. (We broke up for 3 months then he came back into my life, and told me he wasn't ready for any relationship with anyone). I realised that maybe I don't want what I thought I wanted, ie. living together, marriage and that maybe I want to enjoy the bachelor woman kind of life that it's so acceptable for guys to have.
We're seeing each other again because the physical intimate side is the biggest thing we have in common and we feel comfortable being with each other, but living separately, and it feels more lighthearted now. We're both having our cake and eating it, so to speak 🙂 so we're on the same page in that respect. But, there's a BUT. Is this what I really truly want? Am I just trying to be a bachelor woman but know in my core that I really want a proper committed relationship?
I joined a dating site a few days ago and it feels nice chatting with different men of different ages, to remind myself that this guy I love, isn't the only guy on this earth! I'll do what I like when I like, because, basically, I'm not in a relationship. So what I'm trying to say to you Sarah is, do what YOU love to do for you. It's strange at first, putting yourself first, but believe me, it gets easier and it's so enjoyable 😉 I'm done putting all my eggs in one basket and I'm pleasing ME and that feels amazing!
I wish you well and thank God for Jane and the people on this site, I couldn't do this without their help.
Love
Donna xxx
Thank you for this, Donna. We're all here for you, too! 🙂
Reading this, I thought I wrote it. Went thru the same thing. He was wishy washy with me, though, and after I broke up with him 8 months ago, he is still unsure. He is almost 32, though. I always got the feeling that he was still looking and he was, and still is. This damages our self-esteem as we are always trying to improve ourselves for them, trying to look more appealing, buying them stuff, doing more for them, etc. We feel drained, unloved, and uncertain of what the future holds anyway. It is scary. I think focusing on yourself should become your priority. Do not feel bad being around him less. He needs to miss you. He may or may not see how important you are to him. If he does not, then he is blind and you will have to learn to accept the fact that some people can have perfect eyesight, but still be blind.
So true, Judy. You understand this so well.
After 2.5 years it is time to commit to yourself and be with someone who can.
And it is.
I do, I find it a very good article! Sarah you really love this man and I think he loves you.
He is being honest. Can't you party with him?
It sounds to me he thinks that he wants freedom, a bit space.
Which Is so kind of him. He is not cheating or doing stupid things. He is telling
You what he feels. Most men I have met are not this communicative.
I do not know how strong you are. I once said i will wait 3 months, it became 6 months, it
Became 1 year... Because i was believing illusions, that he will see how much I worth.
Offcourse he never did. Untill my heart really broke !
So if you set a limit, stick with it!
Especially this part is so good ;
:
"
When you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy, you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up or come around and be something he can’t or won’t be.
And when you live your life like this, you’ll allow him to discover if he's ready to take things to the next step on his own, because that’s the only way you want it.
That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!
"
Wow. I was like yes indeed!
I do not have a men , but this is such a happy and good advice!
Bless you Jane and Sarah
So glad this resonated with you, Maris! "Can't you party with him?" - Great question! And why isn't he suggesting this, too?
I strongly relate to this. I've been a relationship with a man that was recently divorced. He's had many lows at times. The times that we spend together are very special. We get along perfectly as though he's my best friend. But there are days when I feel the distant between us and he seems to shut down. He has two small children as do I. We've never met each others children, and sometimes it feels like were living two different lives. We make time for each other weekly. At least once or twice a week. But in my mind, I do feel as though I'm waiting for more of a commitment. I've invested alot of time. And its scary to wonder if he'll ever be more committed to me. I don't think that meeting the kids would be healthy soon. But the thought of when..? Or will I ever.. weighs heavy on me. He's expressed his love for me, but I feel like since he was the one that initiated the divorce, he feels guilty for loving and being with me. I'm thankful to have found this website. I clearly need advice.
You'll know, Tara. If you start needing more than he's willing to give, that will become more obvious to you. Keep staying true to yourself; keep checking in with yourself to make sure you're getting enough of what you need. If you're both on the same page, you'll know. If you're not; you'll have your doubts. When you listen to yourself, when you stay tuned in to the beautiful woman you are with so much to offer someone who wants the same thing as you, you won't be with someone who you're not meant to be with. Don't take on what's not yours; if he feels guilty, that's his own to deal with. But make sure enough time has passed for him to be over his ex. Recently divorced isn't the same as available if he's still very much involved in his relationship with his ex. But again, if you keep living your own life to the extent that you can still see this relationship in an objective light, you'll know. And we're all always here for you when you want to know more. 🙂
Hi Tara,, lets try this,,, stop worrying how he feels. How does Tara feel and what does Tara want. Dig deep in yourself spend alone time with you,,,. Tara,, I can't say this enough, , love and respect yourself, without that there's no healthy relationship. When we have this,, men can't tear us down degrate us abuse us because we know who and what we are. YOU COME FIRST,,, Then everything follows..
Thank you Jane,,, Sarah,, be greatful that he is communicating with you on how he feels,, a lot of men could have lied or just not said anything. There's 4 yrs difference, more like 8 yrs men's brains don't start growing up until 30's. Sarah,, it took me until I was in my late 40's to realise that we, us women need to come first. We need to love ourselves and respect the woman we are and want to be. If we don't have that there is no chance of any healthy relationships with men or women, you need to be true to you! Look deep inside and see what Sarah wants. Once you have that the feeling is beautiful, ,, and people see that, contentment with yourself. I know I carry on and on,,, but it was a new life for me, loving myself, and Sarah you are so worth it, you should not have to ask the man if he wants to live with you,, it should be him falling at you feet,,,,because your the best thing that has ever happened in his life. Walk away,,,, YOUR WORTH IT. GOD BLESS LOVE CINDY
Beautifully said, Cindy; thank you!
Except for the part about men's brains.
I hear you, Wayne. And while I know the popular stereotype has always been that men take more time to mature than women, whether this is yet another component of our culturally reinforced programming that makes this appear true or if there is actual scientific proof of this, is another thing.