One of our gorgeous readers, who calls herself "V", is in a great relationship with a guy that she loves. The problem is that it's suddenly turned into a long distance relationship because of a job that he's taken.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
I am having a really tough time right now.
I moved last year to a small town my retired parents and never expected to stay. However, I ended up starting a business here, one I'm hoping will eventually afford me the ability to travel when I choose to.
For the past 6 months I have been in a friendship that slowly turned into a relationship. It gets better every day, but it didn't start out as him wanting anything more than friendship so we haven't been officially dating for very long.
The man I met had been focused on getting out of this small town he grew up in and making a name for himself outside of his family business. We have very similar hopes and dreams and that is how we bonded in the first place. We are both in our twenties, he is a few years younger than me.
This past week he finally got a job that is really wonderful for him. It's a huge raise, but he will be traveling all of the time and probably working 10-12 shifts. It is a really great opportunity, however we are both just realizing how much we want to be together and how important our relationship together is.
The reason we didn't start dating right in the first place was that he thought a girlfriend in his home town would tie him down. I accidentally changed the way he feels on that issue, at first because I'm just living here but I'm not attached to the town, and then because he sees how free and good we are together, not that it's a ball and chain- I guess we both matured a lot together already .
Unfortunately this job might take him all over a state about 12 hours away for the next several years. He would only be able to come back here for a few days every few weeks.
I am devastated.
We both want very badly to be together and don't want to let go of each other, but it seems like we're being pulled apart. It sucks because we both want to travel and would love to travel together, but it just doesn't seem like it will work out. Him not taking this job is not an option for either of us.
He has worked at getting something like this for years and I understand completely how he feels.
I just escaped my small hometown myself. If my business takes off I would have more money to visit (he also said he would pay to fly me down to him).
I just don't know what to do.
From what I think you've said, this just isn't the right relationship for me because I don't want to be away from my love all the time. A week or two wouldn't be a big deal if we were sure to see each other for a few days, but we're pretty sure it'll be like that all the time.
I don't want to let go of something that would be so wonderful for us if only it was a LITTLE different. When I say it, it sounds like this is going to be something that everyone tells me to move on from.
I don't know what to do.
I don't want anyone else, I want him. People say that there are other fish in the sea, but how could I just give up on our life together when it's something we both want and just can't figure out a way around it? Or if it's meant to be, it'll be.
That's so awful to hear all the time. I'm scared because we haven't had a huge amount of time together and I feel crazy for being so completely attached already. Right now we are on "snooze" while he's still home for another week (traveling for four weeks after that and then home for two long weekends) because neither of us wants it to end.
He doesn't feel like it will be fair in the end to be absent from my life all the time physically, even though he says he selfishly wants to stay together.
I can't stop crying and I'm so stressed.
Trying to distract myself with activities has not helped. He is such a good man, but we are both young, still learning, and not settled in one place. He is also the only guy that I've been with that is 110% trustworthy.
The issue is the distance. Please, please help because I am at a complete loss.
I can't handle having my heart broken this time.
- V
My Response:
Dear V,
I understand how much you want this to work in spite of the distance, and I have some great news for you. You’re not the only one in this relationship. There’s two of you here, you and him.
And what that means is if you both want the same thing, if you both want to be together, then the distance won’t be enough to keep the two of you apart. If it’s only you who wants to be together more often, than you’re definitely right that I would say that this isn't the right relationship for you. Because it would mean that you want more than he’s going to be able to give you.
Life in general, which includes relationships, is always about what you can live with and what you can’t.
Don’t worry about trying to distract yourself. I know full well just how hard it is to distract yourself by focusing on your life when something like this is occupying so much of your time and energy.
But you’re not the only one in this.
This isn't only up to you. It’s in recognizing what is yours that you can control here and what isn't, that you can accept the reality of what’s really going on that can bring you some peace here.
You can’t change him. I suspect that because you mention that you've changed his opinion of dating someone from his hometown, that you want to believe you can be enough to change his desire to take this job that would take him away from you for so long.
The reality is, it’s not about you being enough – you’re always enough! But this one isn't up to you. It’s up to him to see this for what it is, to recognize that you can only make decisions and be in control of what is yours to control.
When it comes to this job opportunity, if traveling and being away from home are a priority for him right now, then this is a part of who he is that you’re now finding out more about.
Of course you don’t want to let go of someone that’s ideal in every way except the distance part. But that’s no small thing if you’re not on the same page here. If he’s content to move forward with this even if it means the two of you won’t see each other very often, then this is something you have to decide if you can live with.
Focus on the day to day reality of what that will look like to you. What will being in a long distance relationship with someone like this look like and can you live with that?
I suspect that underneath what you’re feeling here, you’re questioning why you can’t be enough for him to not take this job that will take him away from you. You’re feeling like you've invested so much of yourself already that you can’t bear the thought of letting him go.
And you’re hurting not so much because of the fact that you may not be able to be with this man, but because you’re realizing that you may be the only one who wants this to be something more, who sees the potential the two of you have to be so much more. Yet you’re sensing he’s not there. And you’re heartbroken at the realization that you might be the only one on this page.
If you’re both here, V, if you’re both on the same page, distance won’t matter. But it sounds like this is about more than distance, it’s about him.
If he’s truly right for you, distance won’t change this.
But don’t sign up for something that isn't about distance, but instead is about two people on two different pages, looking for two different things using the distance problem as a disguise to cover up what’s really going on.
You’ll know because it won’t be an issue that can’t be overcome. You’ll know because even if he chooses this job, there will still be a willingness to make this work in spite of this great opportunity. He doesn't have to give up this job opportunity to give you what you’re looking for, but he absolute does have to give you enough for you to know that he’s on the same page and wants the same thing as you.
If you look closer, if you see through eyes that are willing to look beyond the fantasy to the reality of what is, your answer will become clear. As much as we can deny it, deep down we always know.
I hope this helps give you something to think about from an outside perspective.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend V? Share them with us in the comments!
Hi Jane!
Happy New Year!! Well here we go again. My ex boyfriend and I started texting again after 4 months of not seeing each other. I texted him a smiley face & he texted back. Asked me how I was and it nice to hear from me. Before this we stopped talking...he said that he is dating and we can't talk .
Then right after Christmas, I sent him a picture of me and wished him a Happy New Year! I heard back from him wishing me the same.
He said how cute I looked and we talked for a while. We started joking and playing around like we did when we were together. I said something to him about having a drink for New Years!!! He said he would like to, but is still dating. I asked him if he Loved Her...He said no. Then he said I will let you know when things change. The thing is I noticed yesterday that he updated some pictures on his FB page. That somebody took from a Christmas Party that he went with her. I texted him last night..thinking of you. Never heard anything back. He probably was with her.
I don't know what to think? Is here really going to do something about his situation or am I just getting caught up in his game?? He keeps telling that he isn't serious. He says he wants to get together again... But I have to wait until things change. Should I give it a little time and see what happens?? I really Miss Him and I think he Misses Me! How long should I wait? Or am I being a naive fool. Also does xoxo really mean anything? Please tell me what to do?? Thanks Jane.
Pffff....this is right where I am in my head now and reading the comment from the reader Joan ( sept 2 ) makes me even more disappointed. Jane you know the struggles I´ve had through various men this year and how I slowly got to understand what I want from a relationship, and all the fantastic insight I´ve got from these experiences. It led me to be so able to connect with men and go on instead of dispare and not focus on their reasons but what I want. But I´m still confused. This summer I met a swedish guy at home, I had a ticket over to London for a week since my brother bailed out in last minute and my friends asked around and a friend of theirs, single man, liked the idea of going for a long blind date to London with me. Adventure eh? We connected really well, had a great time over there, made friends and I felt really good, I felt his interest but wash´t at the moment attracted to him. I wanted to evaluate him and see what kind of guy this was before I took it further. The last day he asked if I cared for going to the highlands with him the following week and since I had more vacations, love mountains and liked the guy I thought it was a great idea. It was becoming clear that we were more than friends, and I liked the idea. Once in the highlands things heated up, we started to kiss and eventually slept together, and it was really good. I wash´t sure though, since he lives in Sweden and I´m going back to Spain some weeks later on..but I gotten to really like this guy, we felt like so good friends and were connecting great. Finally the discussion comes up and it turns out that he never wanted a relationship, that he in this moment of his life was not into it, he was thinking of going abroad for a year etc etc, everything I´ve heard too many times these last months from men. I was quiete upset actually, I thought he was the typical serious swedish guy ( my fault to assume that ) and I felt that I again had hit the wall, I fell in love and had to let it go. We kept on seeing each other the following week to anyways, he said he liked me a lot, we were having such a good time, he wants to see me in Spain but its no priority for him and he is not ready for a committed relationship. He also said that he thought it would be different if I lived in Sweden and that´s where my letter and question comes in...( I know I have to let him go and I´ve faced that fact and I´m doing good, I miss him but I´m getting so used to this now. ) Is that the reality? That men see me, or us, as so exchangeable and are not prepared on putting their cards on someone not living just close to them? Is that the cold reality? Is my romantic dreams about finding a man that actually wants to be with ME and only ME because just ME and HIM are wonderful together, is that just a Disney dream and no reality?? Then I´m totally screwed...I live in Spain now but after finishing my phd in one year I want to go back and live in Sweden for a good future...then what do I do, wait to date men until I live there and can find someone there? Is there no men out there that are prepared on moving with me, or having a long distance relationship for awhile and finding a future together? I feel like I AM NOT CONVINIENT... and it´s such an extremely hard feeling, and I´m super confused..I mean, I learned this year that I can feel love for so many different men, and that´s great, I can move on from every heartbreak. But come on, I don't want to lose magic meanwhiles, I don't want to think we can be with just anyone..I want to believe that there are men willing to put their cards on me even though its not convinient...please? Is it just the men I fallen for so far that actually do not want a relationship right now ( thats what they say, but I can't help asking if its just not that I am not right for them ) because then its ok- I see that and that is only personal work for me to not go for those guys, BUT .....is there something else down here?? Love from Alva
Hi Jane
I too had a wonderful relationship that turned into a long distance relationship.After being friends for years and then dating for two years my guy moved back home to take help his brother run the family business, the first year way we made trips together every two weeks, then it was once a month, then every few....well you get the idea!
I still love this man as a dear friend and cherished our time together, but he has met someone where he lives because he missed the day to day interaction that a relationship needs.....phone calls and skype aside.
I wish V good luck, but she needs to realize her business is as valid as his opportunity (which is why I didn't move with him) and to take care of herself.
I agree, if there's a will, there's a way.
If you can stop worrying about losing him you will find that will draw you closer together.
You are not tied to the tiwn where you live, so your love for eachother may draw you together by you choosing to move to be near or with him where he is working, if thst is what you both want.
You sound like an intelligent women with the caoacity to set up and run a budiness in any home tiwn you may choose to settle in.
My very best wishes to you both.
Gina.
P.S. My apologies for the spelling errors!
It's the first post I've ever sent and I sent it before correcting my typo's!
Id be interested to hear what you think.
Oh and by the way, Jane, I think your posts are brilliant.
Best wishes
Gina.
Then welcome, Gina; and thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad to be the recipient of your first ever post! Don't ever worry about being "perfect" on here; we're all very human 🙂
If I were u V, I'll wait. If u really believe this man is the one for u and if u are really sure he wants to be with u too, u should give it a try. Love is hard to come by, and its not everyday u meet a man u love who also feels the same way for u too. Nothing good comes easy, think of it as the sacrifice u have to make to get the love and the life u deserve. So distance is not such a big problem. In my place, long distance relationship is a very common thing. Even married couples stay for weeks, even months away from eachother because the husband works in another part of the country, and because of money constraints he can't afford to move the family with him. So my dear V, I think u should be patient, am sure he'll make efforts to be with u often, and u'll be visiting him too, won't u? And besides, sometimes distance in a relationship adds to the excitement cos u'll always be excited to be together, so u'll make the most of ur time together. So stay, work at it cos its worth it. Goodluck!
Thank you for adding your thoughts and experience, Halima. It all helps make the way more clear.
Don't wait V. Choose and live on. The longer you wait, you will feel more doubt.
It seems like you want garantees. There is none in life or love.
I know if I loved a man deep and i could see him like you discribed. I
Would not care, because i love and care.
I would make our home a home where he can come and rest and make love.
When he is gone I could do the household , get some activities etc. Maybe get animals.
How wonderfull.
Think of the army men wives. They sometimes see their husband once a year !
I know men in my family go to another country for a year so they can earn money for food.
But guess what they go back to home! To their loved ones.
. Try to picture it and see hoe you feel.
If it does not feel kind or good or interesting enough. Then don't fool yourself, choose
Wisely.
Bless you.
Thank you for sharing this perspective from a different angle, Maris. It's always about what we can live with and what we can't, regardless of what anyone else says, or thinks or does. The only guarantee we ever have is the one that comes from being true to ourselves. It's always our choice.
Wow, V. That is a tough one. I can completely understand. I guess there's really nothing for you to do but wait and see what the universe says. The Universe knows who you are and what you want the most. Trust that it will put you right where you need to be. Take deep breaths and know that regardless of what happens, you will be perfectly fine. I know it hurts and you are exhausted, your mind and heart are overloaded, but this won't kill you. You are wonderful and you are worth the very best there is. Know that and claim that. Tons of love to you
Beautiful words for V., Angel. Thank you.
Agree with Vanessa!! Trust the universe and remain positive. Where there is a will, there is a way! And the will must come from the two not one 😉
Exactly, Darlene! We can see this so clearly for everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, it never seems as obvious. And yet, it always is.
I agree Jane
"You’ll know because it won’t be an issue that can’t be overcome. You’ll know because even if he chooses this job, there will still be a willingness to make this work in spite of this great opportunity. He doesn't have to give up this job opportunity to give you what you’re looking for, but he absolute does have to give you enough for you to know that he’s on the same page and wants the same thing as you."
stop stressing and let the UNIVERSE handle it. If it's meant to be it will happen regardless of the distance and it takes TWO not YOU. I am standing still and trusting God at this time as well with a relationship I am in. I find that my way does not work and I am tired and I give it all to him (GOD). I hope this helps you because you are not alone but there is a way to have PEACE with this and there will be a blessing regardless. Trust your universe
So true, Vanessa. Thank you.
Maybe you are enough and if HE believes in long term this is an opportunity for your relationship in a future sense...If I were him, you have already said he wanted to be able to spread his wings several times ... that in itself would be reason to love and support who he is. Personally I think that just because you don't want the situation to be this way... Is this enough of a reason for you, and what make you happy, to end it? Or are you afraid? yes it will be hard for you? End it before it fails? I dont know if I am right or wrong but if you love him and the reason is purely te distance I would take a big breath and just be a part of this moment... Perhaps stop trying to fix it before it is actually in need of fixing ...
These are great questions to ask, Christina; thank you for adding to the conversation.