Our beautiful friend Sarah left her boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to her. But now she's having trouble letting go. This is something that I hear all too often from our readers. Here's her story.
Her email:
Hi Jane,
I love, love, love your blog and am so grateful that I have found it during this extremely hard time of my life. So my deepest, most sincerest thanks to you.
I recently left my boyfriend of 5 years because he just wouldn't commit to me. It's been 6 weeks since I moved out and I now live alone in a small rental… a very big adjustment and I miss him and our relationship very much.
I've been doing so much self development and surprisingly most hours of my day I find myself quite peaceful and content knowing that I just had to make this decision for ME because there was no way he was going to make any decision about anything, any time soon!
However, in all my self development and reading your blog the same message is being said over and over again… 'that I'm worthy of someone way more deserving'.
I know that's the truth and I can't wait to meet 'my new man' (hopefully!) in the near future but I also can't help but feel really sad that my ex isn't worthy of my love.
I don't feel angry or bitter towards him because he's suffering with his health and has so much family baggage which led to so much fear about committing to me. And even though he hasn't chase me one little bit since I left him only six weeks ago, I STILL feel sorry for him.
I gave him SO much and still had so much more love to give him.
I've always been the type of person to feel sorry for the underdog, stick up for the child being bullied… my problem is that I always feel sorry for people. So with my ex, I just feel so immensely sad and sorry for him that's he's undeserving of the love I had to offer him, that's he doesn't deserve someone as wholesome and fabulous as me (that's how my friends describe me!!).
I want him to experience unconditional love, I want him to be worthy of being loved the way I have because he hasn't had that. His parents didn't know how to love and they still have NO idea to this day. And because of this, I am still contacting him to make sure he's doing ok.
I guess I still want the link to him and I guess I'm also secretly hoping he turns around and chases me. So how am I supposed to let go of him and our relationship when all I feel is guilt and sadness for him? Thanks Jane!
- Sarah
My response:
Dear Sarah,
I'm so glad you’re finding help and support here, Sarah. This is exactly why I’m here. It’s never easy to let go of someone that you didn’t really want to let go; someone who you wanted so much more from that he wasn’t capable of giving you. In the end, this is exactly how you find out who is on your page and who’s not, who’s looking for the same level of commitment in a relationship with you, and who isn’t.
It’s in the releasing and letting go of someone who you courageously recognized as not being able to give you what you were looking for from him, that you are seeing the reality of where he’s really at.
And the reality is he’s not chasing you.
The first thing to recognize is that this is not really about him, but about you. You see him as the underdog, as the victim of his circumstances, as being in poor health, as having a hard childhood, and these are all the reasons you feel sorry for him that he’s missing out on the unconditional love he could have with you.
But I suspect that’s not the end of the story. Instead, it’s about you feeling that you weren't enough to change him, that you weren't enough to make him see what you could see.
You feel guilt and sadness because as much as you knew he couldn't be who you needed him to be, you wanted to be able to hold on longer in the hope that eventually you would be enough, that he would come to see the life he could have with you. You wanted to be worth the type of work he would have to do within himself to make it happen.
You can’t rescue him from himself, Sarah.
This is where those of us who have such compassionate, empathetic hearts and souls, who feel other’s pain and believe we know best what they need, can take on men like this so that they become a project of our own. To the detriment of ourselves, we try everything; we spend so much of our time and energy trying to show them the way that would make all the difference for them if only they would be open and willing to seeing it for themselves.
If only they would find it in themselves to get there, to have the life they could have with us, they could heal, they could be loved, they could be happy and we couldn't be happier being right there alongside with them.
Start right where you are by separating what is yours and what is his.
It sounds like the boundaries between the two of you have become blurred with you owning so much of his and not leaving with him what can only be his to own for himself.
You can’ t know what’s best for him, you can’t know for sure what he really needs. None of us can. He has to want to change. He has to want those things that commitment and being loved unconditionally in a relationship bring. He has to want that for himself.
It can’t come from you.
Release him, let him have what’s his. Take your dreams, your hopes, your plans, your beautiful unconditional love you held for him ready to give him as a gift. Give those back to you.
Take a closer look at why you still want or need to keep holding onto someone who isn't holding onto you. Does he remind you of someone you've done this with before? Are you looking to him for the love your father or mother wasn't able to give you?
When it doesn't make logical sense, but emotionally it's the only way you can see it, there's always a deeper story running behind the scenes. Find that story. It changes everything when you know what yours is and why you need it to be. If you need some help finding it, I'm always here for you through my one-on-one coaching program if you want to take closer look at what that might be.
There’s still more to your story, Sarah; there’s still all of those dreams and plans and hopes, but they belong to you and one who will share in them with you and want the same for the both of you, not someone who you have to try to make into what you want him to be because you believe it’s what he needs.
The ones who don’t chase us aren't meant to.
The ones who don’t come looking for us aren't the ones we’re meant to be with.
It’s how we tell them apart. The ones who come and the ones who go.
With open eyes to see the reality of why we feel the way we do and why it’s never really about him, we learn the truths that give us our wings and release our souls.
It’s never easy to let go, but it’s how we get to the place we’re meant to be. Where our hearts can soar, and our love can flow, it's when you'll know without question that the one you’re with is exactly where he wants to be too.
That's how you'll know, Sarah. It's what's makes it easier to let go.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any advice about letting go, or have any words of encouragement for our dear friend Sarah? Please share them with us in the comments!
Hi Jane.
With a heavy heart I came across your blog and I want to share my story so maybe you can give me a bit of insight.
About a year and a half ago I met a great great guy- he was 31 and I’m 32, he told me he was separated and currently going through a divorce.
He gave me the option to either stop talking to him or be his friend and I said as long as it was in progress it’s fine we can be friends.
Fast forward 3 months- I found out by the term “separated” he meant she’s staying in another room. In the same house! I couldn’t understand it cos he spent sooo much time with me.
She moved out shortly after but he was still married going through “his process” and I still stuck around even after knowing all this.
He eventually got divorced on the 31st Dec 2017.
Let me note to you that I later found out that he didn’t actually want the divorce, she did. Something else he kept from me.
I told him that people shouldn’t know we’re dating until atleast 6 months since I didn’t want to seem as the cause of the separation which he agreed was to protect me and my reputation.
Things were up and down in this 6 months since I started getting increasingly frustrated by the hiding etc which started making me really insecure.
In this time he asked to meet my entire family and my daughter and coming to family functions and making himself part of my family whilst I was a HUGE secret in his and almost invisible.
After 6 months of his divorce I asked him if he would now tell his family and he was very secretive and never gave me straight answers. We would fight all the time. Every other week since I was compromising on all my beliefs and values and everything.
This guy was having his cake and I was basically feeding it to him with a golden fork. He used to lie to his family and say he was with friends whilst with me and I started getting increasingly frustrated and told him on many occasions to fcuk off since I couldn’t handle it.
He would come spend weekends with me and such and still be hiding.
He would never want to go out to public places with me or post a picture on social media with me. He kept saying - oh I’m a private guy. But he posted everything else. Just not me.
We went on vacation and we had to hide the entire thing. This was in June.
In July and August I started asking him the hard questions - where is this going and what is your intention with me? He would then not talk to me for a week or two until I would give in from missing him and then accept he was hiding me until I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I figured out that he kept his entire ex wife’s family on social media but had none of mine- so there is no link to me but linked to them.
I confronted him about it.
He ignored me for 4 days.
The psychotic in me who started getting paranoid- created a fake Instagram account to follow her and her family to see if he was up to anything or if she posted anything related to him. (This is something I’ve never done and not proud of it) I used to ask myself often- who am I? Is this the value I deserve.
He found out about the Instagram account since I told him and then turned it around and told me I’m a liar and deceptive and he actually doesn’t want to deal with a person like me.
Then proceeded to block me from all his social media and what’s app. Told me all this vile things.
Eventually I was so distraught I called my mom and told her and she messaged him - saying that they have been asking me where is this going as it’s been a long time (I’m Muslim and we aren’t allowed to date for too long)
And if he wasn’t interested or wants to peruse other interests he should ve been upfront and just told me and she does appreciate what his doing to me especially since he was the one who contacted her to meet etc.and she told him that a piece of advice- he can’t hide his next gf from his ex and her family as he will be living in the past.
He replied to her saying- thank you for your msg and he understands her concerns but he thinks her views are one sided. But thanks for the advice it’s duly noted.
He sent me an Text sayin- thank you for getting your mom to text me. You will never learn!
That was the last time I heard from him. I’ve still been blocked and his disappeared from my life after a year and a half. Why am I the only one hurt here where he gets to go off in his life Scott free with no consequences?
And why does my heart still want him back even though I know he doesn’t care about me and just used me??
Wow, Jane! Maybe it's time I hire you.
Sarah's situation reminded me of my own and I am in heartache after leaving just a few days ago.
Five months ago, I met an amazing, magic man-- a true renaissance man. He had a pilot's license, a sailing license, traveled the world to collect art-- and I went with him for these past five months. He was a man of culture, and he was funny, charming and inspiring. I remember thinking THIS is what it feels like to be with someone who is magic. We just laughed a lot together and he made my world feel so expansive.
Looking back, we took space after our fifth date, as he told me he has a terminal illness --and the doctors don't know if he had 1 month, 1 year, or 100 years... That it was uncertain. I learned about his illness, and decided I wanted to keep dating him. After all, he had no symptoms. But he told me he didn't want someone to watch him become sick over time. So we took space and I told him I'd come back around if I could ever be friends.
A few weeks later, he came back and told me he reconsidered, and would be willing to date if I was willing to accept his illness, which I was. Over the months that followed, he had so many reasons not to officially become "in a relationship" although he acted like my boyfriend (took me to his events as a +1, came to weddings with me, spent weekends with me, we traveled together, texted daily, all of it)... First he said, he's always jumped into his relationships and because I'm so special, he doesn't want the same result where it ends in flames... So let's take this slow. Then he said, he needed to "see all my seasons" and get to know me truly before we could commit. Then he said that he wanted the next person to be true love, and that it would take time for him to learn someone.
Finally, after a beautiful week together traveling, I told him I love him, I'm ready for him to commit... And he said- as he always did- I am committed: I don't see anyone else, I travel with you, I always invite you to my work and travel commitments, we spend a lot of time together, we ARE together. And I said, well then why can't I call you my boyfriend after all these five months? I said I was ready for us to be fully IN, and he responded with what feels probably more true than anything else:
He said his illness provided so much uncertainty, that he couldn't possibly commit to someone when his life span is so uncertain. He referenced the "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself," saying that he couldn't provide certainty and commitment to me, when his life felt so uncertain to him. I understood where he was coming from. I said if we're acting together, why not just own it and be with me? And he said maybe we're incompatible and that's why we can't seem to move forward. At first I didn't get it, because we have so much compatibility... Except here: I want an "all in" relationship and he wavers.He can give me all his time and energy, but when push comes to shove, he will not admit we are in a relationship.
All of this to say, I'm so sad. He is the closest I've ever come to feeling like I found the right person-- but obviously this health and commitment piece matters... SO I guess he's not.
Any wisdom is so appreciated. Thank you Sarah! And Jane.
I'm sorry you're hurting, Ash. I can imagine how you feel. He wasn't emotionally available from jump. This has nothing to do with you. His declining health aside, he probably has other underlying issues. This is where he is in life and is just not where you are. He's right, you are not compatible, simply because he can't or won't be.
Focus on yourself. Try to examine why you felt "magic" as you call it, with someone who wasn't emotionally open to you. There might be something there inside you you are not aware of.
Hugs.
Thank you so much for reading and reminding me 🙂 And I am grateful for you getting me to think about that magic so I can find it with someone else ! Eventually-- when they heartache subsides.
Oh Ash, I'm seeing so much here. It's so hard to see it when you're in it, but I've met and experienced so many men like him that everything you reveal about him speaks to a man who literally carries that magic in the palm of his hands and makes everything around him seem magical - but only as long as he doesn't touch the ground. What you're calling him to do - in your eloquently and accurately put statement of "why not just own it?!" - is so right on. How insightful of you to pick up what's at the root here with him! But to own it, means to be responsible for it. For himself, for his decisions, for how they will most definitely affect another human being - you! And for all his magic, for all his renaissance man wherewithal, for all the strength he seems to convey by the very things you've come to obviously love about him, he can't seem to give you this one thing because it means pressure. It means grounding himself. It means finding a place for his emotional side. And it means setting himself up for failure, for shame, for disappointing others if he can't be successful at something as elusive for him as love. Make no mistake; it's BECAUSE you embody precisely what he'd never allowed himself to believe existed for him before that he's pulling back and giving you such mixed messages and excuses like he is! To see that he is willing to put everything of all the magical with you aside simply because of this one incompatible piece - that you want a real realtionship where you can call your relationship exactly that - and he isn't willing to give you that, speaks to just how troubled a soul his is. And the irony of course, is that his willingness to live in the deep dark places that he keeps running from, is an impediment not only to a relationship with you, but also to his health. I hope that in understanding him, it will help you better to separate what is yours and what is his, and by understanding and accepting who you've got, you'll have a starting point to recognize all that you CAN do. Seeing is everything with men like this, and it's no accident he's found you as much as you've found him. But you already know that, don't you?! And that, of course, is why all the potential like neither of you have probably ever experienced quite like before. Hope this helps!
You're obviously good at this, and it's got me thinking to jump into a few sessions with you so I can let this go. Wow, what truth you speak.
I kept thinking it was maybe a BS story, that "because I'm different, he won't girlfriend me up as fast quite like the rest," but now I see it is true. He used to speak of his exes and I always thought we had something deeper and different. He talked about them liking his lifestyle, and I'd always think how I'd sit in a shack with him, and I don't care about his life style. So I guess you're right. He was scared to face himself and I was a vehicle to force him into that.... Me being different, special, and connected to him scared him so much, I believe. And you're right-- calling a spade a spade would have called him forward to own the relationship and responsibilities that come with it-- and what a heavy experience to feel like you're responsible for someone else when you don't know how long you have to live.
We all don't know how long we have to live, but the poor man definitely is a troubled soul and he's told me that having a death sentence until otherwise explored is heavy and changes his ability to presence himself. I get it. And now, there's just me... Here picking up the pieces, missing him, what we had, the laughing and connection... Definitely closest I've ever been to walking into a room with what felt like the right guy for me.
But you are just so right... The first story: I can't be with you because I'm going to be dying (one day). The second story: I can be with you if you accept it. The third story: Let's take this slow so it doesn't end up like the others. The fourth story: I want the next one to be true love and we need to see each others seasons. The final story: I can't commit because my life feels so uncertain-- it has nothing to do with you. I can't date until the doctors tell me something is improving this.
And I know the real story: I call him forward to feel all the things he's numbing so he can keep being with his illness and life without...being with it.
And there is not another helicopter he can buy, painting, or social gathering that can possibly go to to fill this hole he's trying to numb.
One of our last conversations was him making a joke about commitment. I cried, and told him it wasn't funny anymore because I wanted to commit. He said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings.
That was when I called him forward. And when I did, he thanked me for adding more brightness and purpose into his life than anyone else, and let me go.
Thank you for seeing me in my heart- what generosity you're giving in this blog. Will be getting some sessions with you. xo
"And there is not another helicopter he can buy, painting, or social gathering that can possibly go to to fill this hole he's trying to numb." - Exactly, Ash. This is at the heart of it for him. So glad my response resonated with you. I can't not see your beautiful heart! Looking forward to meeting you soon!
This is me. My 4 year relationship just ended yesterday because he wouldn't put marriage on the table.
I previously met him after 5 years of not dating anyone at all. I went in just wanting to have some fun since I was so alone for so long. Since my prior relationship resulted in a painful breakup, I had no intentions of ever marrying, something we both vocalized to each other early on.
However, after a year of having the best time of my life with him, I realized I did want marriage after all. I told him I was changing my mind, and he gave me a "maybe" regarding whether or not marriage was a possibility.
We lived together for 3 years, which I thought for sure would turn that maybe into a "yes, let's get married." It didn't. As our 4 year anniversary approaches, I told him I couldn't wait any longer for marriage to be definitively put on the table. I didn't even want to set a date, I just wanted some hope for the future.
He moved out suddenly while I was at work and we said our goodbyes when I got home. I previously asked him that we break up this way due to the emotional reaction I would give should I be given forewarning. I am extremely grateful that he was so frank with me and did not lead me on.
I am devastated. Thank you for this post. It is going to help me on my long journey to be whole again.
I'm sorry, Mar. I know this isn't easy. Even with the realization that you both weren't on the same page, it never is. Same page matters. Especially over the course of 4 years. You'll be whole again soon, you always were. This is the going through to a better place. Much love to you. I hope you find more support for that journey right here. You're never alone in that journey!
Thank you this resonated with me as well. After 3 years of being in a wonderful relationship and am not even living together. With no talks about our future and where things are heading with my bf. I too had to make the unpleasant decision that I don’t want to sit around waiting for him to realize. I need to move on and find someone who would be crazy in love with me and move mountains to live & marry me. I’m sad he didn’t see that because we did everything together.
I have been with a commitment phobe for 4 years and we have recently split.
I am absolutely devastated.
I love him. I always have and probably always will.
He has a number of issues and has never really recovered following his divorce.
I knew he was fragile but I was convinced that I could make
Him happy and help him face his fears over time
For the first two years of our relationship he couldn’t tell me that he loved me. He said he knew he had feelings for me but he couldn’t say the words...
He told me how special I was, that i was his best friend and that he fancied me. Our sex life was incredible.
Every so often his fears would resurface and he would finish things, stating he couldn’t be in a conventional relationship.
After a few days he would get back in contact and tell me how much he loved me and how he wanted to try and overcome his fears... this was always short lived and the fears would resurface.
I tried so hard to conform to his non conventional ‘wants’ and in doing so, I felt I was putting my happiness in jeopardy to appease his!
He told me he never wanted to get married again or live togther. He never made any reference to ‘us’ in the future.
I sat down with him one night and asked him where we were heading as a couple. He couldn’t give me anything positive. He just listed a whole list of fears he had and explained how he was scared to commit.
He said he envisaged living together when are respective children had left Home...(8 years away)
I wasnt asking for him to move in or get married , I just wanted him to say something positive about us. It never came...
I knew I had to make a decision; stay and continue to try and appease his fears in the hope he might eventually change...
Or leave.
I told him his lack of desire to spend a future with me made me feel low and undesirable.
We parted that night...
He has subsequently text me to say that he does not feel he can be in a conventional relationship with anyone as he is not happy within himself.
I’m heartbroken. After all I’ve done for him, I thought I had demonstrated how much I love and care for him and was willing to support him.
He just wasn’t willing to face his fears for ‘us’.
I have deleted his number so I cannot text him.
I have noticed that he has set up
An online dating profile - just two weeks after we split!!
This hurts so much - i cannot believe that I am hurting so much at the loss and he is searching for random sex online.
I think I underestimate how much this has affected my self esteem.
I know I shouldn’t take this personally and I do believe i have a lot to offer.
It truly does break my heart that the one I offered my love to didn’t want it...
Crystal, I'm so sorry you're hurting and had to go through this. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings. You're grieving, it is necessary to grieve and process this. This is very very rough. Big hug.
If I may, a little piece of advice along with validation of your feelings: take it one day at a time. One minute at a time. Little by little, cry all you need to, write down all your thoughts and feelings, and once you get a bit stronger, start moving your body, to music, to exercise, and feel all your feelings as they come.
When you get stronger to revisit your memories, try to figure out why you thought you could save someone, why you believe your love and your wonderful being was someone's salvation other than your own. There are beliefs we hold that keep us stuck with people we shouldn't even be around. It's imperative that we recognize them to do right by ourselves.
You're going to be fine, happy again. For now, it's ok to grieve. Keep coming to Jane's blog if it helps. We're all here for you.
"That the one I offered my love to didn’t want it" - This is what this relationship was about, Crystal. My heart breaks for you going through this, but this is your place where you'll find your answers. You can't be with someone who doesn't want the most beautiful part of you that he'll ever be lucky enough to have -
your love. But that's all his, not yours. It's only because you've made this yours that you're carrying all this around that was never, ever yours to carry.
I am feeling absolutely heartbroken after giving my boyfriend everything for over two years and still he will not commit. He stays over every night but will not even commit to living together. I am in my early 40s and was clear with him from the start that I wanted commitment and a life partner but I feel like anything I have ever done was never enough to make him want to commit to me. I have never been married and I feel this is something I really need in my life now and I have explained over and over how important it is to me. I feel like we live as two separate entities despite me doing everything for him and taking on his three younger children as though they were my own. My children are older and have left home. I literally feel like I am wasting my life waiting for him to want me enough. He is perfect in so many ways and I have asked myself if I should just stay but I'm starting to feel resentment towards him. I ended it last night and I don't know how to get over this heartache.
Hey I'm a guy who just broke up with his gf for basically the same reason as Anna and or Sarah. I came across this website trying to find a female perspective on the matter. We had been dating for close to a year and in the beginning, things were great. (I was 20 and she was 19). We would both initiate and get along well. After a while she started to get distant and informed me she was having feelings for someone else in a different city where she grew up. She took time apart and came back. Things were great for a while. After a while she started getting distant again and when I questioned her about it she stated that it was because she couldn't commit fully because of past experiences with her ex and she also mentioned that I care too much. She started giving me the cold shoulder and would treat me with disdain in view of everyone. It came to a head when her friends mentioned that she started texting someone else and went as far as telling them she was going on dates with him even though he didn't seem interested. I broke up with her a day before our anniversary because it felt like she had one foot out the door regardless of what I did to show my affection. I asked that we remain friends and she requested 2 weeks of no contact. She texted recently to make small talk but nothing else. You all mention that the guy should chase the girl if he wants her. So is that the same in my case or is it different? It's been week one of no contact which she initiated and five days since she tried to make small talk. I feel that if I really loved her I would have waited. I want her back but I also want her to put up a fight for the relationship.
Nick, please don't fall for these ideas of what you should or shouldn't be based on your gender. That's a trap for everyone. Instead, figure out who you are as a human being, what you're about, what you need, what you can and can't live with and why. Don't beat yourself up about this girl. Her not being able to appreciate you is on her, not you. You cannot live your life to please anyone. It's wonderful to care and love a person and show them who we are, but if they cannot receive us as we are, it's not on us and we should move on to someone who truly can. Your ability to care and be vulnerable and show your love is a treasure. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If they can't appreciate you, move on. Love yourself enough to walk away from people who are not a match for you. I hope it helps.
Looking back at it. It did seem like she liked me a lot but maybe she just got comfortable. I would like to give this a second try but apart from posting a pic of the two of us together online last week on what was posed to our anniversary last week and having small talk on Sunday. There is still no inclination she wants to give this a second try or maybe she's waiting for me to give it a go
If she is ready, she will make it very clear.
Unfortunately, she is 19-20-21. That is very young and many people are not ready for a serious long term relationship at that age.
Well, actually, they are, but for a year or several months or sometimes two to three years, but then no matter how great the person they are seeing is, and how awesome that person would be as a long term or marriage partner down the road , the timing is just too soon.
I've been there before. I had the sweetest best and most thoughtful boyfriend and I felt he would make a great husband.
But I was 21, we been dating two years, and I wanted to just enjoy my friends and school for awhile without needing to invest in a relationship or worry about him.
The past several months before the final break-up I tried with some breaks but it wasn't enough.
I did like him, I also was comfortable with him , but I just needed space still.
And I realized I was not being fair to him. I couldn't hold on to him for the next 5-6-8 years until whenever I was ready to marry.
And so I broke it off.
We remained friends because he wanted to do so, but I had to be very careful of his heart and to make sure I didn't get any of his hopes up.
In fact, I told him to first take time to try to get over me and only reach out when he felt he could be friends only, if he still wanted that. But no matter what, to at least take 7-9 months first.
He did and afterwards I tried hard to be a friend to him, but the next few years were difficult (and uncomfortable and awkward for me at times) because I could tell he kept hoping for more.
He dated a few other girls , had another heartbreak , and then about 6 years after we broke up, met someone very special.
They are now so so happily married, with three children, and so well suited.
And I was right, he is the best husband ... but not for me. Back then (this was now 24 years ago), I didn't consciously realize that last part because he was so great and so loving. But maybe subconsciously I did and perhaps that was another reason why I realized I needed to set us each free.
I also believe my ex would have been happier and perhaps even would have met and married his wife sooner if he had moved on earlier.
Nick , you sound like a great guy and wonderful boyfriend /husband material. The girl for you IS out there. It may or may not be this girl. But it seems the timing for now , at least, is off.
I hope you start to do more things you enjoy with other friends and pursue new interests and live life!!
This girl will show up later , if she wants.
We girls are very very good at tracking down our old dates and boyfriends and reaching out. So rest easy, knowing that you are free to start spreading your wings because she will find you when /if she is ready and try to fill your time in the meantime.
Nothing wrong though with staying in touch, being your sweet self, asking after her and sharing what interesting things you are doing. Maybe give it a little time at first and enjoy a few things/interests/activities/hobbies/whatever you enjoy so have a few more to write about to her later.
It stinks , I know! I've also been on the other end of this. :/
But I met my guy , we are married now and I love him so dearly. I'm thankful now for every relationship that didn't work out, whatever the reason, because I wouldn't have met my husband then. And I truly believe we met at the right time, life needed to mold us a bit first. 🙂
Hang in there, take time to mourn what you had and what you had hoped it would be. But trust that what you hope for is still to come! You are one step closer to it. You really are.
It is so refreshing to see other girls go through the same thing that I am going through and know that none of us are alone! I am in my late 30's and waited patiently for 5 years on my 34 year old boyfriend in the hope that he would marry me and offer the commitment I deserved and he was unwilling to cooperate. He consistently said that the pressure I put him under to marry him was totally overwhelming and that this was putting him off committing to me. So much so he asked for space at the beginning of January and asked i leave him alone to gather his thoughts. I moved out for 6 weeks and he didn't once try to contact me to ask how I was or what I was feeling. The reality is that space = a break up for cowards. If they don't want to marry you they won't do it - it's simple. And if they don't place priority on you or relationship then what's the point. These men are not for us and the rejection is a god send - there is someone better out there for you.
Exactly, Suzy. What can possibly be the point when you're on two different pages, looking for two different things? It only prolongs the heartbreak that's always worse down the road than in the beginning before all the time and energy and everything else invested. So glad this resonated with you. You're never - ever - alone!
After seven and a half years I am now planning on leaving my boyfriend. We have lived together for three. The situation is eating me up, I feel like I am inadequate as he always points out some mistake or behaviour of mine as a reason not to get married. I say I'm not perfect; but I am always respectful, considerate, affectionate loyal and try to be there for him when he needs. I say this relationship nirvana doesn't exist, and that marriage is a journey we take together, and we will make mistakes, and grow together, and learn how to do things better. Well now I'm going to have one final chat, and I'm expecting to move out over Easter weekend. Thankfully I have family who I can move in with short term. I'm going to tell him that I am giving him space to decide what he wants, not because I don't know what I want. So I'm not just breaking up completely. I will have to see if he will be willing to offer commitment in this circumstance. Otherwise that's the end. It's so sad because we have a really great relationship and love each other very much. However I can't go on like this, I find myself randomly in tears going about my day to day life. The situation in unsustainable.
If you cannot be yourself and have to walk on eggshells around him, do not marry him. It will be hell. It's not about getting married, but about finding the right partner to ensure you're both happily married. Don't forget the happy part.
You need to just go ahead and leave and stop offering one more chance. He's not going to marry you. Just let it go and move on.
Hi ladies,
My story - I recently left a long-term relationship of 6 years because he too wouldn't commit. At the very beginning of our relationship, I made it very clear that I wanted to be married and settled by the age of 40 (thinking this would be plenty of time for someone to work with !!! - apparently NOT!!) What I came to realise that no matter how many times I raised the subject - it would always end in an argument of note! I also came to realise that I should not be in a position where I am trying to convince this man that I am actually worthy of marriage! If I am certainly good enough to play the roles of lover, housekeeper, "wife", mother, etc. etc. why not the actual title of "wife". So I left because I could see that nothing would change until I changed the situation - now that I have moved out (6 months ago) he is still trying to convince me of his undying love but throwing the divorce rate at me in the same breath - and still trying to convince me that he is committed with his heart even though he doesn't want to get married. Cry me a river honey! This just isn't good enough for me .... it's just lip service ... it's important to me that if you're say you're committed, that you are prepared to go the full distance in a relationship. No doubt there are some who are happy to co-habitate - I just find this is just too much of a casual set-up for me and I really cannot see myself being someone's glorified girlfriend for the rest of my life.
I am okay - and slowly finding my own routine and happiness again and am also embracing the "alone" time I suddenly now have on my hands. I guess my message is - is that nothing will change unless you change what you're doing.
Hi Sarah
My advice to you is to cut all ties with him..the reason being is if he really wants your unconditional love..he needs time alone to soul search..and if you are patient about him and cut all contact..then as the saying goes..he will come back..but this time on your terms..dont hang on..let go!
I am going through the very same thing as you expect my man is now 70 years old..we met 30 years ago..on and off..for once he now realizes I wont ...play house anymore..though I am not seeking the big ring..but he has some major baggage in his life that he refuses to address as an adult..and I have been the only one in his whole life to give him unconditional love.
Sooo...Sarah..the old saying are correct..set him free..and you let go completely..if he comes back..then he has to commit to what you both can agree on in an honest open communicated commitment..if not..then not..dont hang on and dont chase him..it will just make you miserable.
Much hugs!
I also have recently been through a very similar situation. My ex and I were together for 5 years, lived together for 4 years. The first year we were together he would take me into jewelry stores to look at rings, told his family he met the woman he was going to marry, and made me feel a love I have never known before. It was simple, it was easy. Fast forward to year 3, he tells me he feels uncertain about getting married, and isn't sure if it's because he doesn't want to get married in general, or if he's uncertain about us. I move out for almost a month, then moved back in because he says he really wants to be with me, wants to make it work, has no desire to be with anyone else, and is going to go to therapy to figure this out. Fast forward to one year later, he tells me he wants to marry me and have a family. I tell him, great, when does that look like for you? He says, within a year. One year comes, and I could feel that this wasn't going to happen. We went on a trip together, and a big part of me was hoping he would propose... we get back and nothing. The very next day I told him I could not be in this relationship anymore unless he was ready to move forward with me. He tells me he feels just as uncertain as he did before. I moved out two weeks later, haven't talked to him in almost 3 months. He didn't fight for me. One of the hardest things about this whole thing is that we have a dog together (raised since she was 8 weeks old). I had to move into a place that isn't dog friendly and I miss her every day. I haven't figured out how to resolve that because I have not decided whether or not I will let him keep her. But it breaks my heart that I am not with her. I do not know how to resolve that. I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated that this man I shared my whole life and heart with was unable to show up in our relationship the way he said he would. He also said toward the end that he felt we didn't have strong enough chemistry. That felt like a huge kick in the stomach. He diminished our relationship and made me feel like it wasn't as special was it was. I never would have moved in with him or continued the relationship with him if I didn't feel a strong chemistry. I miss him every day and don't know how to let go. I have been going to therapy and yoga, and journaling my heart out. I am trying to focus on a bright future with a loving relationship that I deserve but it feels so hard. I don't want to end up here again. : (
Hello,
About a month ago I went through a very similar experience except I was the one broken up with.
I had been dating my ex since the time he was 20 and I was 19. We dated for around 2.5 years and it was an incredible relationship. The chemistry was undeniable, and we amongst all else were each other's best friend. We shared everything and I loved his family as he loved mine. Everything seemed to be going so well when he left me out of the blue, two days before Valentine's day.
As he was crying hysterically and after telling me that I'm an amazing girlfriend, he said that he had been thinking about the future, potentially breaking up etc for a while and that he was so scared. He called me the love of his life, said he loved me and wanted me and didn't want to lose me .... But that he just didn't know if I was the one and if more time together would make it any more clear to him. He wondered if there was someone more compatible out there for each of us because this was the "biggest decision of our lives". He cited his ex girlfriend and how they talked about marriage a lot (even though she was a bitch to him and everyone in his life) and how it was so "easy for him". It didn't make sense to me because we were talking about moving in together in about a year after I graduated university.
I'm just confused because his actions and words dont seem in line- he seemed so happy to be with me as was I. I really couldn't imagine someone so similar as we were to each other. We complimented each other really well and I truly know that I made him a better man and person.
I miss him terribly but we have not spoken for a month. He hasn't chased me and I'm coming to the conclusion that he never will.
That's so sad and difficult, Kylie. I'm sorry your feelings have been hurt this way. The truth is, he's not the one. He simply cannot value the amazing gift you are. I know it hurts, but you'll see how him walking away was necessary in time. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you and who is not sure after so long you're the one for him. Two years is a long time. Either he wants you or he doesn't and if he walked out, believe life is trying to make room in your life for something beautiful. Because you deserve happiness. You deserve a good man who adores you and can't wait to be with you.
Sending you love, strength and clarity.
He went back to his ex... enough said.
this is me, too. I had to take a stand with the man I love who wouldn't commit the way I needed. We had broken over it and he came back a couple times but I had so much bottled up resentment that I needed things to happen more quickly than he was ready for. He was making micro changes but I was starving for emotional security and I was always upset. Every little problem was like a nuclear bomb. I wish I had been able to pace my emotions and been more dignified instead of always hurt. I finally said that I wouldn't see him unless he called for a proper date and I couldn't be intimate until he made some of the changes I needed. It felt empowering in the moment and I was able to let go and let him pursue me...but it all backfired. He finally said he wasn't able to give me what I needed and said it was about circumstances not love. He was trying to be positive saying it wasn't fair to me and our problems were interfering with his work and so it wasn't fair to him either. I see he was trying to soften the blow and make a positive, respectful ending, but I never wanted an ending at all. Maybe living in hope and unrequited love wasn't working but this is like all my worst fears have been realized.
It can't backfire, Allison; it can only show you what's always been there - and what hasn't.
Im still finding it hard to let go of a 3-1/2 years of dating a man I fell so hard for. I was always pursuing and doing the talking, I wanted him to commit to me. We were always off and on only because our situation never grew from a day to day thing. We had no plans for the future in any way or shape. He proposed marriage to me twice to get me back after walking out on him but he never followed through in getting a ring. We even looked at rings one day but he never did anything about it! I said I could never go through the shopping for rings again as I was awfully hurt and embarrassed because there was no outcome from it! I even told my mum and daughter he proposed to show them that he was serious to have a future with me but still nothing happened. He never shared the news with his family and they just thought of me as a dating partner and nothing more than that! In the end, I was doing all the talking and initiating and he did nothing! I broke it off with him again recently because I couldn't bear it anymore. He just said to me "don't you want to see me anymore" and I said no, he just ok. So obviously in the end, it didn't seem to really bother him that I wasn't going to be part of his life anymore! He said he loved me and wanted us to work out but he didn't show me that! No actions but all talk, that's all it basically how it was! Im still in love with him and I wished he had chased me and put in the effort and have the want to be with me but he's just decided to let me go. He was just in a comfort zone with me because I had learnt to adjust to a day by day situation with him! I have sent him texts explaining my feelings and what I had hoped he would do but he just feels I've been badgering him and pushing him away but I think that's an excuse, those texts ending up being my needy cry for help which I guess was the wrong thing to do. I just turned into a needy messy woman around him and lost all my confidence and self esteem. I really should've walked away years ago but I allowed him to treat me as an option and not a priority so that's my own fault. As they way, why buy the cow when your getting the milk for free! But at the end of the day, if he really loved me and wanted me, he would've done something. My birthday passed and he called me to wish me a happy birthday but that's it, I would've rather not heard from him as it only dragged up more hurt and the desire to want him. I feel that he was in control of us, he had me dangling on a string and he was calling the shots in the end, he knew that he had the power to control the situation between us but he chose to keep me dangling not knowing where I stood, I felt he had one foot in and one foot out the whole time, it was like he was trying to find someone better while I was still hanging in there with him. Anyway, I made mistakes and now I'm alone and finding my way and in time I will heal.
Hi Jane,
I'm confused, very very confused with myself. My problem is that I know the reasons behind the surface, behind my feelings and actions but I still do things that hurts me at the end.
I had a casual relationship with this guy for a year and ended it two months ago because it was bothering me that he was with others too. I had a really difficult 2 months restricting myself trying not to contact him but finally gave in. He was the one who asked me to see him again but I was not strong enough to say no.
I am confused about my feelings towards him, confused about what I want with him. For some reasons even though I know being casual with him is not going to be good for me in long term, but I want what I can have with him. I dont know if I love him or not but I want him in my life for howerver long it could be but it hurts me after seeing him that he is still the same and wants the same thing. he misses me but not enough but I also feel that being casual with him is what I want, maybe not enough, but still want him. I feel mad at myself for giving in but also think that if its what I want now(even though won't be what I need in the future) why should I take it away from myself??
I read your comment and it is as if I were reading my situation not long ago. First of all, be kind to yourself. Don't be mad at your own self for absolutely anything. You see things and decide for yourself when you decide to do so, at your own time. I met a guy about a year ago and I felt very attracted to him since the beginning but he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. So I stuck around thinking that maybe in the future he would change his mind. Things got casual and he was perfectly fine with it but I got hurt every time I was with him. He flirted with other girls in front of me and idealized other girls who weren't even there for him. I said the same things to myself when I failed at getting away from him. I had no strength to walk away and I was also mad at myself for it. I also kept saying I was confused and that maybe I wanted the casual thing. I was lying to myself. Two weekends ago I had enough when I received the lowest blow from him. I hurt too much and that was a wake up call. I realize I do not have to settle for less than I want and deserve. You are wonderful and worth every wonderful thing in the universe. In time you will see and claim that. Be patient and pay attention to your body and your feelings. That's your navigation system. Big hug
Thank you Angel. I wish I could figure out what I want with him exactly but I'm very conflicted with myself I was so proud of myself when u ended it with him two months ago yes I cried and it felt bad but I knew I should have done that when I saw him again it felt like I cheated on myself and the toughest part is that I want to continue seeing him again and fighting with myself constantly
He is the first and only guy I've been physically intimate with
I have been in love before and I experienced being rejected physically and emotionally and I know how it feels
So this is partly familiar but very different
Maybe because of what I went through before I want casual but deep down I crave for more and creates conflicts within me....
I can understand that. Being with someone for the first time has an effect on us getting attached. But trust me, it gets better. I also know what it's like to be "rejected" but I am now trying to understand that there's no such thing. We dream a lot and that's wonderful, but reality is reality. A guy rejecting us as much as it hurts it's him doing us a huge favor. They are not right for us. They can't give us what we want and deserve. When I look back at all the rejections I realize how blessed I have been because honestly, none of those guys embodies the qualities I do want in a partner. They are all very confused guys who swing from girl to girl even if they are in a committed relationship. Imagine how wrong they are!! I would have suffered way too much. You are not attached to him. You just want your dream and you project it onto this man who clearly is not right at all. Figure out exactly why you are attracted to him or want him in your life and what you are gettimf out of it. If it is definitely not enough, don't fight it and let him go. Stand your ground. Fight for your own self. You have to be more important to yourself than he could be. That's how you choose the best for you. Choosing to be with someone on his terms to the detriment of your feelings and needs is cruel to your own self and it is not fair. Lots of love to you.
Well written Angel
I'm done chasing men if they want to be with me fine if not then I don't even care any more the last time I saw the man I liked or I thought I liked well wasn't good he thinks he can treat me any way..he pushed my head down on him..he grabbed me like it's ok I didn't like it..he slapped me for no reason..I'm done until I can heal men r only gonna be one nighters..I know women have been through more but he has done so much to me I am so sad all the time depressed wanna cry it's sucks he out his hand around my throat also a few times..I'm sure he wanted to fulfill me..I can't do it any more..I'm done..thanks..
Take your time to really to get to know someone before you decide to give yourself away on any level, Lacy. This is your time. Focus on you! Focus on living your own beautiful life, on creating the life you want for yourself, on following your dreams, your passions, the things that you never thought you could do or that someone else told you that you couldn't do. Don't look to someone else to make you happy, find it in you.
Dear all, I'm the Sarah in this article. Thank you Jane for your wonderful words of wisdom as always! I just wanted to say that the advice Jane gave me was absolutely spot on. Even though she didn't know the ins and outs of my relationship, somehow she picked up the underlying problems immediately. It is about not being on the same page, it is about the man being the one to chase. I believe that now as I've just met the nicest man who is chasing me so much and it's caught me off guard because I'm not use to a guy moving heaven and earth to see me and it all just seems so easy!!! Again, I've never experienced this. My ex has huge problems in his life and I just wish I had the courage and strength to walk away in year 1 as oppose to staying until year 5. My Dad recently said to me when it's love you just know. Everything will flow and there will be no second guessing. Yes I feel sorry for him but now I feel sorry for me more. He led me on for 5 years, my best child rearing years too. I can feel myself even closer to closure after reading Janes reply and all of your comments too. I finally realise it has got everything to do with me and what I was prepared to settle for based on what I thought I deserved. Thanks so much Jane, please keep up the brilliant work!!! Xxx
I'm so glad this outpouring of love and support from so many who've been there has helped you, Sarah. And I'm thrilled to hear about your new man! Take it slow and really get to know him well. If he really is all that, and if the two of you are truly compatible in all the ways that matter, it will be all that no matter how much you slow it down to a level that looks out for your beautiful heart. Keep us posted! 🙂
Sarah first of all thankyou for being brave posting this and I am right at this time going through the same heartache. Its taken me a couple of days to post a comment because I feel all I do at the moment is talk about this and I believe because of all the ups and downs of this relationship people don't want to know.
I have been in this relationship for 4years and I know I hung in there through all the crisis of his past re- his ex wife, his kids, online profiles and he did once sleep with another woman but of course blamed me and yet I stayed. This time is a little different we had his 26 year old son with us who played hurtful games and was given permission to do so, we were supposed to go and live by ourselves first time in our relationship the plan was for us to start fresh on our own but as the time came near he had invited his son with us saying he can't leave him alone, I told him I won't be joining him because he had let me down and put his sons needs before me but he still went along with the plan and I stayed behind. Just as I've read here I thought he would in time realise what he so easily threw away, a few weeks past and then came the texts he had made a mistake and regrets leaving, I told him I wouldn't join him where he is and I wouldn't put myself back in the situation of living with his son after everything I went through, his response was after the lease expires end of next month we will go live together somewhere new.
After everything I clearly told him words won't cut it this time, I told him I want a different commitment, I want marriage and won't settle for anything less, he agreed but his answer to me was he won't be pushed into anything and a woman has to wait to be asked. He says he wants a comittment from me also and I told him I've came back to him 5 times and stayed through it all there is no more I can prove to him .....so now I questioned him last week about the silence and game playing he does with seeing how long I can go without hearing from him etc because he got upset with me with me refusing to join him at this stage because I need action not words so now he hasn't contacted me for over a week.
I'm confused because what's written on comments, I don't believe I'm being stubborn I've just been pushed aside too much, he tells me what he wants, he says he's miserable without me, he wants us to start again, but bottom line is words don't do it Anymore and he got upset with me. My question to you all is am I being difficult and am I playing the game too? I can't leave here because he wants me too and really nothing has changed. I nearly gave in and text him before because I hit a low point but I didn't.... this hurts and I am lonely all I do is work 12± hours everyday and I know its not healthy. All I know from reading this is I'm not so alone after all after reading these posts
Hi Sandy, please read my other comment below but also know this - don't put up with his agenda and his timeframes. It's such a power play. I know how hard it is to hear but men like this love women like us who just keep hanging on and on and on. It's their daily ego fix!! I didn't see this, I just hung off every word my ex told me. I wasted soooo much time which now I can't get back. Best of luck and keep attached to this blog of Janes - it has been my god-send xx
Dear Sarah,
My heart goes to you. I have been thru the same situation rwcently. I find that if you have to work so very hard for someone to love you and want to be with you it will never be good. He should want to call you and be with you. So u you did the right thing by leaving. Never wish bad and look to the beautiful future that you deserve. 🙂
Sarah,
Your story is so similar to mine, but I'm further down the line. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to leave a relationship and someone that you love so much. I was with my previous partner for 9 years and after years of hoping he would commit I had to draw the line. It was the most difficult thing to do and like you I secretly hoped he would realise that he couldn't live without me and return to me. It took me quite a while to realise that he was not going to return to the relationship and after a conversation with him one time where he told me he was relived to be without the pressure of me I had a lightbulb moment. From that point on I started to accept it was over and we broke contact after that. It's the only way. Cutting someone out of your life is so hard, especially when you have mutual friends etc but my advice is this. Start living your life! Go out with friends, do what you enjoy, take a trip away, spend more time with family, work hard at your career and slowly you will start to rebuild yourself. Also give yourself time to grieve this loss. It is not his fault and it's not yours that you aren't on the same page anymore, it's in the accepting of this that you can say goodbye to this previous relationship leaving you open to someone who is. I was so lucky to find that someone who is on the same page a few years later, someone who is fully committed to me and I am now married to. You will love again and you will find that someone who sees you for the lovely person you are. That person will want to commit to you! Be strong, you are not alone.
I'm thrilled for you, Shona! Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful words of hope from your own experiences. It's so inspiring to hear the other side of our stories.
just let him go..we can't force anyone to love us uncondionally ..I know what you feel because like you ...I'm still working to let this pain go....I love him so much with all my heart and soul but he don't love me the same I love him...that's the reality and we need to accept that either the pain kill us:-(
Dear Sarah,
Isn't it good to know that so many people resonates with you? You're so not alone. I had similar experience like yours and I remember Jane once described in another post like that: "you did the talking or showing your love, he did the listening, he knows what you want and how you feel and then he decided he cannot give you what you want. It's two grown ups who have loved each other, but now for whatever reasons cannot stay together so there is no hatred or judging of who has done more or deserved more than the other". If we truly love someone, we treasure the memories and we care for the person whatever he/she did or not do. Sometimes don't dwell on the pain is one of the way to let go, live your own life and have faith in who you are and what you want and trust that love will happen to all of us, it's just a matter of time. Remember the good old saying - good things come to those who wait. Be stronger than you ever imagined. Amy
So true, Amy. Thank you for adding this.
Sarah-
You have now entered the chapter in your life where you are in a position to have THE RIGHT MAN for YOU! You have loved your ex, realized he wasn't the one, and moved on. Kudos to you! However, never regret loving someone because that is what you are supposed to do. If he wanted you, he would do what it takes to keep you and Men WILL do that when they really want a woman. He didn't see your value and you need someone who will see that in you. A man SHOULD court you, love you, chase you because he believes you are the woman of his dreams. Simply put, God has someone better for you. All you have to do is believe and you will begin to attract the right person. The next time don't sign up for the "wife" role until he shows you he wants to commit to be your husband.
"The next time don't sign up for the "wife" role until he shows you he wants to commit to be your husband." Well said, Ronnee. We forget this all too often.
Ronnee Legington
very well statement it helps a lot ...
Hi -
I was with my girlfriend for six years and she just left me two weeks ago because I didnt commit. I love this girl with all my heart and sole. There is no excuse for me not taking action and just slacked. For the first 10 days I begged her to take me back via text message. She told me it was hard for her to make this decision but she had to because she was hurting so much. 2 years ago she broke it off for the same reason. I willing to commit but again I was to slow. We had a great relationship otherwise. I for the first time in two weeks I did not contact her. It's breaking my heart and I do want her back in my life but by calling her constantly it's not helping. I sent roses to her house multiple times, but nothing's worked. I' m looking for advise to get her back if it's not to late ...
I don't understand:
"The ones who don’t chase us aren't meant to. The ones who don’t come looking for us aren't the ones we’re meant to be with. It’s how we tell them apart. The ones who come and the ones who go. "
What if both the man and woman live by this then both would wait for the other and if neither pursued the relationship would not survive and both lose.
I left and felt if he cared he would pursue me. What if he felt if I cared I would return?
Because men don't live like this, Tara. They're not wired the same way we are. When they're being chased, when they're being pursued, when we're taking over the only role they know - to pursue a woman who knows her own worth and who allows him to fulfill his role -there's no space for them to play the only part they're wired for; to be the pursuers. And so no matter how much times have changed for us, no matter how much we've been told we can do and be everything that a man does, we can't change the way we're wired. A relationship where two people are on the same page and want the same thing won't just be left to chance because he won't be able to stop himself from making his intentions known and pursuing you and trying to make it work! That's how you know. If he was on your page, if he was able to give you what you were looking for, he absolutely would have pursued you. They know why we leave, and they don't try to stop us because they know their own reality, even if they don't understand why.
Thank you, I have always question the same. What if he thinking the same let her do the chasing, but your 100% right. That's there ego just getting pumped. If he loves you and knows what you need because you have made it clear. If he doesn't give you what you need your either not a high enough priority or he just doesn't want the same..Either way, it is time to let go and move on. You need to know your own self worth and be willing to take a chance. Don't settle for less its your happiness. One life, One chance don't settle you are worthy!
I'm reading this and a little confused. Sarah mentioned she wanted to give unconditional love, but the love she was giving her boyfriend was conditional (she wanted him to commit, but he didn't so she left). Sarah said her friends said he didn't deserve her love. I find this a bit offensive. Who doesn't deserve to be loved? Maybe he gave all he could, but it wasn't good enough for Sarah. My story is about the same, but I don't feel that anyone I've been in a relationship with doesn't deserve my love, just that we're not compatible for some reason and we need to decide if we can stay with someone that doesn't give us what we need. Jane mentioned that if he doesn't chase us, it's not meant to be. I'm just wondering, what if they use that same logic on us that she left so she didn't want me? I divorced (after a long period) about a year ago and now seeing someone else. I have to swallow my pride and talk and let him know when I feel hurt about things he does that hurt my feelings. Often it seems like he's clueless, but I see he does try to understand. I'm learning that relationships are difficult! After a while though, if we feel the other person is not responding to us, we get tired and try to soothe ourselves. Yes, I think relationships are difficult. I apologize if I offended anyone, this article just affected how I felt (with mixed emotions).
I agree with your point about how it seems here it is the guys fault because he did not chase after the girl who broke up with him. That makes no sense, as the protocol promoted here seems to be for women to not chase men who break up with them.
Is he worth waiting for? None of us can answer that for you, it is too subjective. But you do need to put yourself first. And count on your friends.
It's no one's fault, Wayne. It's two people who aren't on the same page, who aren't looking for the same thing. It takes nothing less than this for a real relationship to work. When we look at our relationships this way, without going to the deeply ingrained stories that always want to place blame and create the bigger stories that keep us stuck, we can find the courage and the strength to let go of what isn't ours to hold onto.
I know all too well that this is so much easier said than done. But the reality is that when we go chasing after someone who doesn't want what we want, we only put ourselves through so much more heartache and misery. Remove that blame, remove the idea that it's anyone's fault, and accept that you either have two people who want it to work and do whatever it takes to make that happen and so it does, or you have one-sided relationships where it doesn't work because only one person wants it to. It's simple, but it's we who make it so much more complicated than this.
Hi Jane, I love your websites and your insight. The reason I started following your website was because of an article I read (maybe a year ago?). You said that we should just be who we are and whatever we do really doesn't matter. Because if we're meant to be with someone, it works out. Although, nowadays relationships don't seem to last very long. My last relationship lasted 30 years so I know I have the endurance. But being happy, now that's a different story. When I said relationships are difficult is because I believe ALL relationships take work. It takes swallowing our pride so that we can try to understand how they see things too. Oftentimes, relationships don't work because we ALL want something and maybe our partner wants something else, not necessarily someone else. They come with baggage just like we do. We don't always agree with our girlfriends either and many women don't have a lot of girlfriends. I would like to believe that relationships are not complicated. I'll agree that some relationships are easier than others. But with all due respect, I believe all relationship take work, some more than others. Sometimes our own children/parents/family are difficult to understand/like, right? 🙂
ALL relationships do take work, Ali, but not the one-sided one person doing all the work kind that so many of us fall into along the way where we convince ourselves love conquers all - our own one-sided love! - and we spend all of our time and energy trying to make someone see why we're worth being with or why they should want to do the work too. The two-sided on-the-same-page kind of relationship is a whole different matter; that's the kind where the work is a part of that relationship - the kind you do together. That's always my point, Ali. Thanks for bringing this point up - and for your kind words. I'm always happy to further clarify these points that I believe so strongly in! 🙂
Keep in mind that this is how she feels, Ali. This is how she sees it. Yes, we absolutely all deserve to be loved! But the point you make that "I'm learning that relationships are difficult!" is a reminder that this is how you know if something is right for you or not. A relationship with two people who are both on the same page and want the same thing with each other will never be complicated. But because so many of us come from backgrounds where the love that's modeled for us was indeed complicated, we can falsely believe this is the only way it ever is.
Well Dear Sarah,
What a brave choice.. Wow..
Most of us choose the familiar part, to stay and stay... Even if it makes us miserable.
So good for you to make this decision.
Now you may not feel brave or strong, because of all the memory and emotions.
I went on and off with my ex. I would love to recommend you...
Don't take a ex back, back and forth. It hurt me more then I thought, it also had broke my self esteem in a way.
Just last week I saw him.. After a year.. I am very good in idealizing!
Not a damn thing changed about him.
Change takes time.. And the persons got to work for it.
So do not doubt! I think you really thought about leaving... So there
Is no reason to doubt.
He can change and come back. But is he worth waiting in doubt or anxiety..
No he is not! Do not feel pitty for him. This is about you and your future.
You are responsible for what you choose and do.
And no time does not heal a broken heart. It is what you do while time passes by!
Meaning if you stay confused, lost and alone feeling.. Gues what will happend..
Nothing! Time will pass you by and you will regret living that way! I can tell from my
Own experience, i loved my ex way more then he me! A time i was like you in doubt and
Fear..
Don't be!
Good luck!
Quote from Janes advice. Which is scary to do but so true!
"With open eyes to see the reality of why we feel the way we do and why it’s never really about him, we learn the truths that give us our wings and release our souls. "
"And no time does not heal a broken heart. It is what you do while time passes by!" - So true, Maris. Thank you for sharing - for your words that say "I've been there, too and I understand all too well." It's with support like this that we all find the courage to move on through.
I agree with Jane. I was seeing this guy for about a month. I started to fall hard and he soon pushed away but wouldn't leave me or make any move. I know a month is not much but we both wanted to be in a relationship in the beginning. He became comfortable way too soon and after two weeks became a nightmare. He was red flag central. I was abused in past relationships so I gave him two more weeks of chances and as much as I cared for him...let him go...he called me names and stood his ground and he didn't want it to stop. He was getting what he wanted but I got nothing. I feel like a new person having feeling taken back my control of my life. Little did I know I needed to learn a lesson I thought I already learned. .I didn't love myself enough yet. I was letting this guy treat my like dirt and he just walked all over me....I was horrified when it hit me. Its been only two days and I haven't contacted him or him me. I have bee. Getting more connected to myself and god. I already feel so great. My advice besides what Jane said...which I agree....is if he isn't chasing you and you feel sorry for him....run...real live is waiting for you. You have every right to move on and be happy. I would cut contact until you were over him. I wish you all the best.
Sarah- I am so sorry. In December I left my boyfriend of 3.5 years because he wouldn't commit. I held on hope he would come around for 3 months. I can only imagine that you are in SO much pain and I am just so sorry. I felt like I was missing a limb for about 6 months.
Now it's been 8 months. He never turned around and chased me. He could have, but every day he's made the choice not to. We have no contact.
Things that helped: I moved, I traveled, I went out with friends, I dated (even when I didn't want to!). Start no contact, make an online dating profile, work out like a fiend, and watch Beyonce's "Best Thing I Never Had" video on repeat.
"Things that helped: I moved, I traveled, I went out with friends, I dated (even when I didn't want to!). Start no contact, make an online dating profile, work out like a fiend, and watch Beyonce's "Best Thing I Never Had" video on repeat." - Thanks for sharing these, Kate; you understand!
Jane....all sounds so great but I disagree totally.
sorry but I do. Those who are in a relationship find it easier to advise others....from a partner's strength...good or bad! God made the world for two.
I've love to respond Patti, but I need more information on what you disagree with and why. If you have some specific advice or words of encouragement for Sarah, please share. 🙂
Kate
Repost "He never turned around and chased me. He could have, but every day he's made the choice not to. We have no contact."
YES this is very painful and until now i don't know how to get this end...but still i'm working and working slowly to be Good again and Ms.jane helps a lot...
i know at a perfect time everything is gonna be OK ...