There’s a common theme to what so many of us do, something that I found myself doing not so long ago.
We know we’re looking for the whole package, and yet what we put out there, and especially what we tell a guy we’re looking for – is exactly the opposite.
It's in the subtle messages we convey with our body language and the way we dress. It’s in what we say (and don’t say) in our online dating profile when we project the image that we’re looking for a good time rather than a committed relationship, it’s what we say when he asks us what we’re looking for and we tell him we just want to see where it goes.
And, since we're so attracted to him, we find that we'll pretend we're into anything that we think will get him to want us.
It’s that old familiar pattern of believing that we need to be interested in what he’s interested in – or what we believe he wants us to be interested in – in order for him to want to be with us.
No matter how subtle it is, the message is there that it matters more whether he wants to be with us, than whether we’re actually compatible in all the ways that matter, on the same page, and looking for the same thing with each other.
Why do we do this? Why are we so hesitant to come right out and say who we are and what we’re looking for instead of holding on so tight to the story that I need him to choose me more than I need him to be compatible with me? There’s such a difference!
It’s because we think it will make us more attractive to him if he can see that we’re on the same page – as him!
It’s because it’s part of our programming that has us believing we need to be what someone else wants us to be to be loved – instead of being who we actually are.
And most importantly, it’s because we want him to like us, we want that next date, we don’t want to have to keep going through this over and over again. We want it to be him!
But when we do this, we miss the chance to build our confidence in a way that does so much more for us. By embracing who we are and what we’re looking for. By not trying to be something we’re not.
I’ll never forget the conversation I had way back when with a happily married coworker who gave me his honest opinion of why I was still single. As we sat down in the cafeteria one day at my work which just happened to be the training facility of the Fire and Police Academies, surrounded by as many police and fire recruits as any single girl could imagine.
What’s wrong with me? had been my question at lunch that day. Why can’t I find what I’m looking for? I want what you have, I told him, but all I get are these guys who can’t commit, who aren't looking for what I am, who never want what I want no matter who they are.
Do you want my honest answer? He had asked. Of course I did.
You’re saying one thing but doing another, he told me. You say you want a committed relationship and marriage and a family and the whole package, but your actions, and the way you’re presenting yourself tell an entirely different story.
So these men you’re going out with, they’re confused. They don’t know what to make of you. So you’re finding these men who are confused, too. They don’t really know what they want either and they don’t think it really matters to you.
It’s like a type of bait and switch you’re doing. While the ones who know what they want, the ones who want what you say you want, aren't giving you a second look because they’re not going to waste their time with someone who isn't sure of what she wants.
And with his words, the first stirrings of what was amiss began to resonate with me. Why was I so afraid to admit what it was I wanted? Why wasn't I confident in wanting the whole package?
Was it because I didn't really believe I would ever find it? Was it because I doubted my worthiness of the kind of relationship I was looking for? I cringed at the idea of coming out and admitting who I was and that I was really like all those other women who made it look so easy, but seemed so hard to me.
It was time to stop pretending, to stop playing the part for a role I didn't really want, and become the real thing. And in allowing myself to hear what someone else was seeing that I couldn't see for myself, I discovered more of the truth about me.
I wanted the real thing.
I didn't want to play games with someone who I knew in my heart wasn't looking for what I wanted.
I didn't want to settle any more for just more of the same thing, no matter how different he might look from the others.
I wasn't going to compromise any more on what I wanted in exchange for that feeling of being wanted.
What I wanted was worth more than what felt good in the short term.
So when you say I want the full package, I’m not willing to settle for anything less than I know I want, just make sure you really know what that is. Know it in such a way that you’re not going to sacrifice that dream of yours just because someone comes along who makes you feel those sparks and makes your heart beat a little faster but who makes it clear that he doesn't want what you want.
It’s only when you hold on tighter to your dreams than your desire to be loved by someone who seems to promise so much and yet deliver so little, that you'll see for yourself it’s not an either/or distinction. It’s you being unapologetically true to yourself and what it is you want for your life.
That’s how we change this.
I am in a long-distance phone relationship with someone I'm crazy about. I am 66 and dated him when I was just 18 . I haven't seen him since, but found him in an article on the Internet. We have been talking for 4-5 months. He was married and divorced. He now lives across the country in a loveless relationship. He says they will be divorcing and selling their huge shared property. Now she found out about me as she saw the phone bil. He is afraid now to even call me from his house when she is there. She is away often on business. If they are separating and they still live together he is nervous that she will stop paying the bills now that he is an artist, and he des not want to rock the boat at this time. Who knows! Maybe they won't separate. I feel anxious and hurt a lot, waiting for the calls,ec. He knows how I feel. We had talks. I don't know what to do. Crying a lot. I thought we would meet, but it doesn't look good now and he tells me he has so many problems to solve. Help!
Thank you, Jane, for your beautiful words of wisdom. Recently your emails, what you've said in your program and on our phone call has started to ring true to me. I'm beginning to understand that it is what matters to me that is important in having a good relationship. For a long time, without knowing, I was trying to "make him love me" and thinking I could do it all myself. We all do have power. I'm starting to understand that the "power" is inside of me, not in trying to control an outcome of getting someone's love, but the power in being true to myself and just loving myself and others. Thank you so much!!
I'm so thrilled that this is all starting to come together in a way that you can see for yourself, Michelle. It's exactly as you've said here - you have to find it in you, not in someone else, not in trying to make someone love you but by finding your own power and being confident that someone who is truly right for will never need to be convinced of this; it is all about you being true to you! Loved hearing this from you! 🙂
I love these emails from Jane, they help me to dig deeper into what I want and to understand that I really do matter. During these past two years of separation and divorce, I have been on a journey rediscovering who I really am. It's been an adventure and it seems Jane's messages come at the right time. I am hesitant to put myself out in the dating world again but I have come to realize I do want "the whole package" and I am worth it. Rejection is hard, but I am willing to be alone instead of settling. Now I need to trust myself to protect myself and to believe in myself.
Thank you Jane.
So glad these are resonating with you, Natalie. You do matter, and you deserve nothing less than the whole package. You've got the first part down - knowing what you want - now comes the best part - living it. And you're absolutely right; it's about trusting yourself and your intuition and believing enough in who you are to refuse to settle for anything less than you deserve!
I also was married to a narcisist been divorced two years and ive gotten my identity back and rediscovering myself its trully been a journey but thanks to you jane i now know my worth and what i want and happy just being me and im not going to settle anymore just for some guy to like me no matter how much i like him! Thankyou so much Jane!
I wonder why men don't always wants commitment and us women do? Not to say all men are that way but is it fun for them to string women along because they themselves are confused about what they want and scared of settling down. Im not talking about a young man in his 20s but men in their 30s and 40s like shouldn't they have played the field at a young age and in their 30s and 40s ready for commitment with one woman.
I wish I could interview ex-girlfriends and wives of potential dates sort of like reference check when applying for a job, lol it would be interesting to get a better sense on who you are dealing with.
It would help, wouldn't it? Instead we have their actions; they tell us so much more than words ever can. Watch carefully and observe before you allow yourself to become emotionally attached to someone you don't really know that well. It takes time, Mary, and unfortunately, there's just no substitute for that. Slow things down to find out if it's a man who's on your page - who's looking for that commitment (because there are many who do!), or someone who's looking for something else. Sometimes you have to do something different if you want to attract a different kind of man, no matter how much it seems like you already are. If he's in it for the same reasons, he won't have any problem going your speed - and that's how you'll know.
I here so many of my friends say that their playing the game like the guys play it. I never really understood this concept because they always seem to be the ones that were hurting in the end, for example, if a guy wants to be friends, but they know that is not what they want they will continue with the "friend with benefits" hoping that the guy will see and chose them in the end. I now realize I too have being playing my home game by being passive and pretending like everything was okay while I was disregarded everyday. I don't want to play the game anymore I am a human being with feelings that wants to be respected, noticed, and loved. I deserve to be happy and with being happy you have to be honest with yourself. My truth is I want a honest relationship with someone that really see me. I don't want to be with someone after they have ran out of all their choices and decides that I can be their final option when no one else is around.
Exactly, Sophia; beautifully said. When we come to see the role we play, it's empowering to know that with a word, we can change it. You're seeing this for what it is, and that's exactly why "they always seem to be the ones that were hurting in the end." You're worth so much more than anyone's final option!
Thanks! Jane
🙂
"I wasn't going to compromise any more on what I wanted in exchange for that feeling of being wanted.
What I wanted was worth more than what felt good in the short term."
I learned now it is so much easier to let go when you first recognize you are both not on the same page. It was much harder for me to leave when I was so integrated into the relationship because I settled, it's what I was used to. But thanks to this site and Jane's amazing wisdom, I am learning so much about love. It should never be complicated. And when I stopped to think about why I really held on for so long, it all became so clear! The fear of being alone, and I thought I had "the sparks" with him, a really handsome physician who everyone wanted, who gave me his attention. But when asked why I loved him I didn't know what to say because he did not deliver or commit to make me fall in love. There was no "mutual respect, compatibility, or shared values" as Jane states love should be. There was just butterflies and chemistry that I thought was love. So I was pretty much in love with the idea of all I wanted him to be for me- my life partner, husband, best friend, etc. but the "what is now" is what I failed to see and so I settled. I'm so happy to be free now for the person right for me. And as mentioned above, it's very important on how we portray what we want in a relationship. Looking back, I am guilty of unintentionally portraying "wants to have fun" why? Because that's what he wanted and so I wanted to be what he wanted at the time. You hit all the good points Jane! Thank you for your reality checks! May all of us use all the wisdom presented to us and find what we are looking for 🙂
You're seeing this for yourself, Darlene, and that's huge! They may be my reality checks, but when you take them and make them yours in ways that you can use them to help you see things more clearly, that's what this journey is all about. And when you see like this, that's when the changes begin. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and inspiring us along the way 🙂
Love your email today! I guess I have a lot to the think about. I still find myself scared of getting hurt but if I'm not open and the other person not knowing from the beginning of what I want and what I'm looking for then I often find myself disappointed. I have been seeing this guy for 3 months already and I still don't know if we are still dating or what we are... Lol but this email helped me to realize a lot. I am not looking for just to hang out or have a good time but obviously he knows that but we still don't know the "label" . is this one of this things that we should wait and get to know each other more or should we figure out now before it goes further!?!..... I'm confused.... Dating is so hard now these days ...thank you for your positiveness and encouragements it helps me to focus on my life and keep going forward!
This helped me....dating is for collecting data....find out what it is you want and if this person can give it to you from the data you are collecting you should be able to recongize if this person is for you or not. The main lession DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE!!!
Thank you, Nora! And don't worry so much about the "label". It's not about the formality of what you are to each other as much as what it feels like in your heart of hearts and what you know intuitively it is. Check in with yourself there first and trust yourself - that's where you always know.
Thank you, Jane, for clearing this up. I get hung up on "labels", but I'm trying to let it go and enjoy the discovery process of dating.
We all do, Natalie. 🙂
Jane,
I love your emails and they come to me at the right time always. Helps me stay in check with what I really want and deserve versus what I keep settling for. I hope I find the right guy one day who will treat me the way I desire and deserve. Thank you for all your help! 🙂 you keep me strong in this annoying dating world!
Something amazing happens when you refuse to settle for someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated; you find you don't have to. You're so very welcome, Shafia. I'm so glad these are resonating with you! 🙂
I have the opposite advice given to me... Friends tell me try let things happen naturally without saying I want a relationship.. I think it's all relative. It's like yes you have to get to know the person, but in the past I have done all of my relationships in that way and was very unhappy! I allowed myself to be in relationships with people just because we got along, even if they were not my type. I have found that is not the answer for me either. I think that my relationship will happen when the right person comes along. I have to be willing to deal with my issues and they have to be willing to as well. Both people have to be willing to put work into the relationship. I think right now I just am supposed to focus on myself and when I'm ready the right relationship will come.
Exactly, Kylie. You have to do what works for you - what you can live with. You'll know your own answers because they'll feel right to you, you'll feel a sense of peace about what you're doing, regardless of what anyone else says or does - or thinks you should say or do.
BRAVO!!! Another great article!! I was projecting a insecure, low selft-esteem, doormat, go along to get along, no direction, needy, clingy and do whatever you want to do to me little girl! But SAY you love me and give me a few trinkets I will be that ride or die chick. The day he said I do not want a committed relationship with you made me look at myself and my life and say....ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I will not be this person anymore. It has been a journey! I can say I today that I am a confident, know who I am and what I want out of this thing called LIFE. I am not needy only needing Christ and clingy only clingy on his word. I set the standards in my world they can take the ride or get off!! I LOVE MYSELF FIRST!!! God said he will supply all of your needs and he gives us some wants also, therefore, I do not need the trinkets. I am my own ride or die chick. It feels GOOD being ME!!! We have reconnected only as associates. If I decide to date again...it will move in the proper stages. A wise person told me this....If you are only a friend act like a friend, not the girlfriend or wife. When you become the girlfriend do not act like the wife...only act the part of the wife when the both of you share the last name (marriage). He is coming back as an associate for now do not know if I want to take another trip.
So glad this resonated with you, Realdavis. And thank you for sharing "But SAY you love me and give me a few trinkets..." - so many of us can relate to this.
"If you are only a friend act like a friend, not the girlfriend or wife. When you become the girlfriend do not act like the wife...only act the part of the wife when the both of you share the last name (marriage)." - Love this!
I honestly like this article because it speaks the truth.
Now I must admit while i am on this journey getting to know myself better
And enjoying life. I am seeing first time that I am ok with myself
And my activities. I hope my next partner will like this in me, appriciate my lifestyle.
I see now that there is no need really to complicate life.
I mean why pick a guy who is not on the same page.
From experience i can tell, it will bring fears and drama. The bad
Part is, you can get addicted to this drama type men.
My ex and I got in contact again. Our pattern is to call.. Date.. Drama.. And
Somebody always gets hurt! Especially me! Now I was more aware, thank God.
I did feel mad for picking up his call!
And didnt even feel bad breaking the contact...
I am not totally secure in what I want. It is different then 3 months ago.
On my dating profile i had a lot of "sexy" reactions. While I was
Not sure what I wanted in a man.
So I asked a guy from a online site, why he was attracted to my profile.
He said I looked on the pictures like a girl who nust wanted fun.
Now this gave me a wake up call... Indeed it does matter what you project.
I don't want to come over like a girl who just wants "fun".
So this time I am going to think it over, what is it that I want to come over like.
I do feel I would like to date and offcourse find someone which I feel comfortable with.
I can say I do not want to complicate my life with abusive, too lazy, not motivated and
Angry men. Then I would rather stay single.
Thank you Jane for making me think about dating again , in a healthy way.
Exactly, Maris! It is a wake-up call to discover that what we are projecting - often unintentionally - is the very thing that we aren't intending to - and certainly not what we want in our relationships. Most importantly, it gives a chance to decide for ourselves what it is we really want so that we'll know it when we see it. You're so right, love is never complicated; it's only we who insist on making it so.
iam very pleased to have joined the site and its so helping.am currently a single mom and have been dating a nigerian guy,whose been so nice to me.and understanding.he told me when we met that hes going to marry me.but now as years passed by i discovered that the course hes taking forbids marriage.and i had alreday moved out to stay temporary with hm.so that he visits and we spent time together.Nw am lost and confused of wats next.because he himself finally said it plainily that he took that choice not to marry.Please help.
Welcome, Eleanor; I'm so glad you found your way here. Of course you must feel so lost right now, and yet, at least you have found this out now before getting yourself involved with him any deeper. Now this becomes a question of what you really want and what he is worth to you. You now know where he stands and what his terms are for your relationship - terms that do not include marriage. So now this becomes about your own terms and what you can and can't live with. If you're not on the same page here anymore, it doesn't matter how much you love someone or want this to work, you're going to find this more of a struggle than a life. It's not up to you to make this work, Eleanor, it always takes two.
This is why one must master the art of letting go with a sense of peace and closure. the sooner you can leave when its not working and clear it won't, the better off you are. Otherwise you create a pattern of settling and allowing yourself to be mistreated and begging for love. There is help available to break the habit if need be. Stay free for the one who deserves you. Leave the one who does not. Simple but tough.
True Jackie..
It reminds me of a saying from Paulo Coelho
" if your brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello"
So true, Jackie. What we do to ourselves by staying always does more damage than the initial "rejection" itself.