Our beautiful friend Doreen is in a situation where she feels like she is waiting in limbo for her man to make a commitment to her. Her story is below.
Her email:
Hi Jane,
So wonderful to hear from you what an encouragement you are!! I was wondering if you would mind if I shared my story with you!!!
I am 63 years old and my man is 69 years old…….we have been involved for about 2 years now. We met in cyber space in June 2012 and he was mailing me from Spain on a daily basis. He lives 5 months of the year in Spain and the other five in South Africa. He phoned me every night from Spain and the mailing continued by then I had gotten to know him quite well. Anyway the time had arrived for him to return to South Africa in October where we made arrangements to meet. We hit it off the first time we were so connected……and it was like we knew each other forever.
We use to spend time at his house and vice versa and we did everything together and yes we did have our differences but we were very compatible……. there is a very strong bond between us. In February 2013 He had a foot operation due to an old injury and I nursed him twenty four seven for three month’s where I really got to know him intimately……he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally.
He has been very good to me and his a wonderful person with a beautiful heart…….. and has all the qualities that I have always wanted in a man and we have a very strong bond…..however whenever I brought up the question of where do I stand in this relationship he would say I love you very much…….. but I need time and space to decide whether I love you enough to live with you forever. He has always been up front with me but I feel like I am living in limbo. Anyway it was time for him to go to Spain again and he left May 2013. You can imagine how upset I was and still had no idea where I stood with him. He arrived in Spain and never failed to mail me and still phoned me every night from Spain. two months went by corresponding with each other when he finally said I miss you so much and need you by my side and I now realise what you mean to me. I left for Spain on 20th August all expenses paid and it was the happiest day of my life I was ecstatic!!!!!!!
We had a wonderful time in Spain I was spoilt rotten!! We got closer and closer I was radiant and glowing with happiness. I left Spain In the middle of October and he returned on the 1st of November. I left my home to open up his and to wait for his return. When he arrived at his home in South Africa I was so overwhelmed by his warmth and tenderness he mentioned I have never missed anyone so much as I have missed you.
I stayed at his home for four months and can honestly tell you that he was loyal to me. By this time we have now spent two Christmases together and he was still not ready to commit he is very indecisive when it comes to making decisions ……. and I always put it down to maybe it’s because he has lived on his own for the last 9 years and set in his ways and had one two short relationships in between but it never lasted.
Jane call it women’s intuition the day I lay eyes on this man I said to myself he is going to be my soul partner. And deep down I still feel that way. He left for Spain on the 18th May 2014 again……but before he left we spoke about our relationship in depth. And he mentioned that he needs a little more time to make up his mind as this is our last journey so to speak …… and I gave him an ultimatum which was probably the wrong thing to do!! I have given him time until he returns from Spain in October and if he still not sure I am going to walk away from this relationship. I know I will be devastated but I cannot live an emotional roller coaster like this anymore it’s unsettling for me and not to mention what it is doing to me emotionally!!
As I mentioned before Jane I have no doubts about him because I know he loves me and come a long way together. I all most forgot to mention two weeks ago before he left for Spain I happened to walk passed his office and found that his computer was open and saw that he has been mailing a women for the last two weeks there was no romance in his mails to her they were just chatting in general. I was shocked and confronted him and ready to pack my bags!! He was shaking and crying begging me to stay and mentioned that it’s nothing that he was doing this to make sure that I am the one he wants. I told him that it makes no sense and that he was still keeping the back door open. His reply to that was she means nothing to me which I found hard to believe. Needless to say I stayed and I have never got so much attention from him since that altercation. But the hardest part for me is what guarantee do I have that he is not going to meet her as she is on holiday in Spain!! I guess I will never no I’m just going to have to trust him and see what happens.
Jane I love this many deeply!! My question to you is do I wait for him????? I would appreciate it so much if you could comment on my story.
Kind regards
Doreen
My Response:
You have to decide what being with him on his terms is worth to you, Doreen. It sounds like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with him – and one that he’s more than happy to continue riding with you as long as you’re willing to ride it with him. Such intense highs and lows are so common with men who aren’t comfortable with more of a commitment because they create a space for them to distance themselves emotionally when things get too intense. It’s the reason everything can be so incredibly amazing for a short time, but then it all falls apart soon after, only to repeat the same pattern all over again for as long as you remain a willing participant in this pattern.
The fact that you’re seeing this for yourself is huge, Doreen, because no one deserves to live on an emotional rollercoaster with what it does to you emotionally when you live like this with someone who thrives on this type of lifestyle. It’s no accident that he’s chosen to divide his time between two places; what better way to keep everyone and everything at a safe distance than by actually having to leave each place after a few months for his job! He has the perfect setup.
While I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, the fact that he is still conversing with another woman and defends his actions with an explanation that he needs to know if you’re the one, is an excuse no matter how innocent it seems. You obviously knew what was going on here, too, Doreen, or else you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to seeing this and it’s also why his explanation didn’t satisfy you. You always know.
Regarding this woman you've found him to be corresponding with, you have no guarantee that he’s not going to meet her on holiday in Spain. The most telling thing about all this is that not only do you not trust him, you also don’t believe he can give you what you want without you giving him an ultimatum. And that’s why you have two clear options here, Doreen.
You can choose to go with the part of you that loves the lavish attention, the exciting highs and the incredible feelings you have with him when everything is wonderful. You can change yourself, your expectations, your requirements that he needs to meet and make a life for yourself independent of him outside of the times that he spends with you. You accept who he is and what he can offer you as well as who he isn't and what he can’t. You find your peace with that acceptance and no longer live your life trying to get him to change or commit to you. You accept this reality as what you are choosing and let go of what you want from him that he is clearly unable or unwilling to give you. Instead, you make this silent exchange, and choose to find the parts of him that he can’t give you in your own life and in you. You choose this from a place of power where you recognize what you're getting and what you're not but not because he's in control, but because you're the one who's choosing this.
Or you can choose to let him go. You recognize that your expectations and requirements you have of him – of the relationship - are your own. You decide that the emotional lows you’re living aren't worth the highs. You decide that what this is doing to you emotionally can’t be changed by focusing on you, getting out there and creating the life for yourself that you’re looking to him to give you. You decide you can’t live with the uncertainties of not knowing if you can trust him, or if there might be some other woman in some other port of call. You wait or don’t wait for his answer to your ultimatum, depending on whether you want to make your own terms for this relationship or wait to hear his. You realize you’re the one doing the choosing here, and regardless of the time invested and the initial devestation of the loss of him, you come to term with the fact that you’re not willing to live like this anymore.
It’s not his decision; it’s yours, Doreen.
Only you can take back your own power and make the choice that you can live with. You can’t have it both ways without doing more damage to yourself. You have to decide what you want more, because with this particular man, you can’t have the part you want with him without the other part that you don’t want.
As we all discover sooner or later, you can't change him, but you can change you.
What do you think? Do you have any other advice for our beautiful friend Doreen? Tell us in the comments!
I was in a similar situation and I would recommend walking away. Men such as this do not really change unless they feel you will really leave. I left and took a month or so to grieve the loss if the relationship then I instantly signed up for an online dating site and started simply getting out and meeting different men. I dated casually and learned a lot about myself and what I wanted from a relationship with a man. The funny thing too is once I had truly moved on in my heart and mind that is when he came back and wanted the relationship back. But do to the emotional roller coaster I was always on with him, I knew I wanted more from a man and would accept nothing less. The best thing I did was date casually and learn about my self and what I truly wanted in life and love!
Hi Doreen, Thank you for bravely sharing your story. It takes guts to start the process of honestly looking at ourselves in these situations. So please give yourself credit and don't be hard on yourself as you go forward in this process. Jane is always very good about letting us know that it is always our choice to decide what we can and cannot live with. And it is always easier for us to look on from the outside and say what you should or should not do. I am in a similar age bracket and similar relationship issue as you are....and I have been wrestling with these choices for about 6 months. My friends and family are are very clear that I should have walked away a LONG time ago. And I know that he treats me horribly and he has even confessed to much infidelity and lying. And still I am here making concessions and trying to be unconditionally loving. It was in finding Jane's website that this journey finally began to turn around and become about me rather than about him....and all the hims before. This journey of ours is about why we have gotten to this part of our lives still believing that we should not listen to our inner voice....our intuition....that we should silence it and shove it aside. That we should give chance after chance after endless chance to whoever the current guy is until we are made so small and insignificant that we hardly exist any longer. This is about why we would stay after the first harm done us instead of walking away. Out biological clocks are ticking at this stage of life not for the future children we hope to bare but because we are now getting older and long for partners to walk with. But as someone else stated earlier, we have to begin to look to ourselves first and find that love in us. I am almost there at the point where I must say to this guy that I am leaving. I am not giving an ultimatum....I am simply leaving. He has not proven himself worthy of waiting for or of giving a chance at coming back later. If he was worth it....I would not leave. But we have to believe people when they show us who they are....especially at this age. If they have gotten to this stage of life and still exhibit these characteristics then we can be pretty darned sure that this is exactly who they are comfortable being and that it works for them. So they need to go find a partner who is willing to play their game. We are not. And, if for some odd reason, they do have a major awakening and come to the understanding that they want what we want....then they can just do the work for once and come find us and make that VERY clear! And then WE can choose. But that, my dear, is the stuff of fairy-tales and we need to leave it on the silver screen where it belongs. Our reality is that there are a lot of men out there who get along just fine by not committing and playing with our emotions and manipulating women until we catch on and then they MOVE on. It sucks. Please be gentle with yourself and know that we are all here with you and for you as you go through this process. And it is a process....there is no quick fix of perfect answer. It is your process. Much Love.
Thank you so much for sharing your own story here, Deborah; your confidence comes through so beautifully in describing exactly the process we go through to get to where we see this for ourselves!
Hi Doreen. We are in the same age bracket and I completely understand the desire for companionship at this point in life. I was in the same type of situation for about 18 months. We actually were engaged and 31 days after he proposed, I caught having drinks with another woman. You have to go with your gut! Our female intuition is SO strong and accurate that trying to push the obvious to the side will only prolong the pain and delay the inevitable. I was not willing to compromise "me" and walked away. Time WILL heal the hurt and honestly you may hurt more than him because you have been loyal. He obviously has others to fill his void. I agree with Jane, the decision is yours, in determining what you will accept in a relationship. I want a committed relationship from both sides and am not willing to compromise what I deserve. There are many men out there that feel the same way we do. It just takes time and the right mindset to find them. Jane's website has been an unbelieveable resource in re evaluating myself, my perspective on relationships and what boundaries I set for a future relationship. I wish you the best
Thank you for sharing your story, Sheryl. You're so right; our intuition always tells us what when there's something there to pay attention to. I'm so glad you're finding a resource here for gaining a new perspective on yourself; know that I'm always here for you!
DOreen
ms.Jane is very true ..you can't change him Never because if this man Truly loves you he gives the best on you...he is too old to take much more time to think if he wants to commit to you...I don't know exactly what its on his mind but based on your story maybe he loves you but not uncondionally ...
So true, Kristine; thank you for adding your thoughts for Doreen.
Doreen,, your not going to like what I'm going to say, I will bet money on this,, and im sorry,, he's married, ,, that is why he will not give you and answer. You have every right to give him a deadline.
Doreen, you deserve so much better. I tell girls/woman you have to love yourself before you can go on to love anyone in a healthy relationship. GOD BLESS, Love Cindy
"I tell girls/woman you have to love yourself before you can go on to love anyone in a healthy relationship." - So true, Cindy; we can never hear this enough. And I hope you found the answers you were looking for on your recent trip. 🙂
I experienced the same issue with a man I dated locally for 2 years. He treated me like a queen as if I was all he wanted when we were together. He would always at arms reach, cook for me, hold my hand in public on dates, wash my car every weekend, buy me gifts, hang window blinds for me, etc... but would not commit. He would say, I am not ready for a commitment, but yet and still he excepted and had all benefits that a girlfirend would give, and reciprocated the same.
I shared one of his lavish meals with him for the very last time and walk away. Thereafter, he called me many times and I did not answer his calls once and for all, because I knew he would possibly weave me back into his little web again (playing games). That's was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. My heart feel free and I have a piece of mind now. I missed him for the first month, but I stayed focused (busy doing fun things). At the end of the day I realized he did not deserve my time, love, smile, conversation, or my heart !!! Doreen, I suggest you walk away,,,,
"My heart feels free and I have a peace of mind now." - So glad to hear this update, Quincy! You've got this! 🙂
Sometimes we hold on because we have hope we are positive there is potential but sometimes it hurts more and more as you wait for him. It is hard to hold on and let go but sometimes letting go can bring to you better happiness.
It sucks but I guess thats life right Jane? 🙁
If we can see these situations for the reality that they are - that we can't change except to change ourselves - then they become a gift instead, Diana. But oh I understand just how hard it can be to see it this way when we're in the thick of it! And yet it doesn't change the reality of what is and the opportunity for so much more to come when we're willing to look beyond the loss we believe it to be. It's when we realize it's always our choice that we find our peace with what is.
Love is not about being in limbo or uncertainty. If at 69 he has not made up his mind than it's time that you make the choice of stop being a woman in waiting. You don't have time for that because the clock is ticking and TIME does not wait for anyone; so why should you wait for him when in the end he will not commit anyway!
Beautifully stated, Clara!
I had the same issue with Houston. He wanted a
long distance relationship and he was not
ready for me to be in the same state with him.
I was willing to relocate 1200 miles with
my child and he was not ready for me to
come. I do thank him for being honest
and not wanting me to come because
now I see what a huge mistake that
would have been.
I was very miserable and unfortunately
things won't change unless you are ready.
You have to get the courage to see that
YOU are important and to love
yourself. Once you see your value
You will see the light ❤️. It wasn't
easy but I can truly say it was well worth
It. I am a single mother of 2 teenage
girls and well into my 40s. Just thought
Share with you. God bless you Doreen
I pray you see how awesome YOU
are because when u do nothing will
stop you from attracting true love.
You're worth every bit of it and there
Is someone amazing waiting on you
"Once you see your value, you will see the light ❤️." - So true, Vanessa. And I'm so glad you were able to see the blessing in disguise in your own story. Thank you so much for sharing!
Doreen
It is what it is!
What in the world did this man do? How did you get this confused? This man must be cheating in Spain!
That's the first thing that comes to my mind, without reading further.
Then I read this :
"he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally."
Doreen is this true , or did you projected this unto him? Because if he is this.
Why would a women be involved with a damn difficult man? What's the fun in that....
The answer is simple; love.
Love liberates , it lifts your spirit up, it feels like a warm feeling, it brings smile and tears!
I don't know but to me he did not show "love" in your story.
You were each other's good company and probably lovers.
I see more you trying to make it a real love story, then it really is.
He seems relaxed with the relationship as it was.
He is chatting , off course he is. This man is only playing for his
Own benefits. If you didn't found out, he would have said nothing.
When a women feels her man is cheating, he probably is!
Maybe it's time to accept it as it is . He showed his face in the beginning,
He did not wanted a serious relationship. This is also how it ended now.
He does not want a relationship . Why in the world would a man wait till October
To come clear what he wants! If he loved you and wanted to take the next step . he would have said so today.
Only when your sick and dying somewhere , I can imagine that he can't say it then.
You deserve much better!
Just cry and try to see what is the reality. Let go of the love story that is playing in your head
As a bad record!
You really deserve love , as all of us.
Don't stay with a difficult, perfectionist and manipulative man!
Those are qualities which will eventually kill love and good spirit!
Bless your soul!
Love your insight here, Maris; thank you for adding so much to the conversation.
You can't lose a man who truly loves you.......that is the bottom line
Exactly, Cheryl!
I am also over 50, been in a relationship with a man for over 5 years now that simply will not commit or even live with me. He has dangled the "carrot" in front of me with empty promises, even gone ring shopping, but NO ring, looking at houses, but NO house together......for the last 2 years. Then saying we will "work on living together", even while I have tears in my eyes.......So, I tried to have the talk with him and in the end, nothing has really changed, just open ended maybe, but I will treat you better, see you more. Still, I always had to go to his place, he didn't want to come to mine........He went out with his buddies a few times with their girlfriends and did not invite me, we fought about it and he would promise, but it had not happened. Last week, I walked out and told him I couldn't see him anymore unless he showed up with a ring and move in date.......It really really hurts, but it hurt living like that too. I was not willing to pick up the "crumbs" he was throwing to keep me, wasting another year of my life living ALONE......Maybe he will show up with the ring, who knows, but in the end I have to love myself enough to know I'm worth MORE THAN THAT!
And so you've discovered for yourself, Cheryl, that it's not about him or trying to change him; it's getting clear for yourself on what you can live with and what you can't and setting your own boundaries around those points. What he does with them has everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, or your worth, or your value, or anything else about you. "...but in the end I have to love myself enough to know I'm worth MORE THAN THAT!" And you are!
Hi Jane,
I was in a similar relationship as Doreen and I should have taken control and made the decision to walk away, but I didn't. We were on and off for two and a half years and quite often he would take off when the going got tough! The last time he did this I didn't try to stop him, this was new for him! But he went and I haven't seen him for nearly five months now! He texts occasionally saying he still loves me and misses me but that's it ! I haven't asked to get back with him, I do miss him and I still love him but I know I have to be strong and try to move on!
I have been on a couple of dates but I didn't feel anything for the guys I met, maybe too early I don't know!
So Doreen I think you know as I did what you should do really. Why should we expect anything less than we really deserve! We should not settle, I know you have invested a long time as I did but if he hasn't committed now I don't think he will sorry! You deserve so much more and like Jane says love is easy and natural. I do know this I was married for 25 happy years, my husband loved and respected me and I did him. I decided I am not going to settle anymore!
Helen xx
Helen xx
That's what this is all about, Helen; coming to terms with what you can live with and what you can't. You always deserve to be someone's first choice, it just needs to come from you! And thank you for sharing your story; how wonderful to hear you know what love can be like in the memories of your 25 years with your husband. 🙂
In the end, We are meeting all HIS needs, and He is not meeting OURS........unless he is willing to get serious, we have no other choice. This is OUR life too!
I tell my daughter this: Just think, the right person is out there looking for YOU too.........now I am taking my own advise.
And you'll set the most compelling example for her by doing exactly that, Cheryl! It's how we change this pattern, this cycle, that keeps being passed on from one generation to the next.
He'a doing just as he wants- keeping distance and his options wide open! Actions are the only proof of true intentions. The old and wise adage is: don't listen to what people say- just see what they do. This situation is way too inconvenience (distance and all), to choose to put up with this obvious commitment avoidant man. Time is women's most precious asset. Do not let more time slip away. Cut your losses now! Be gracious. Be firm. Tell him you want a full time relationship with a commitment leading to marriage. And he's not the one. Stand back. Disappear. Start dating and move on. He wil find another willing player, so don't feel nostalgic over him. You had fun, travel, know your desires and are all the wiser! And, don't take his calls or tired excuses please...
Thank you, Vicki. And for the reminder "don't listen to what people say- just see what they do." Yes, exactly!
I love a man who says he loves me, but he is leaving me wondering what his intentions are. He gave me a engagement ring a year ago, because he thought I would leave him. We have pre-martial counselling on the agenda but actually hasn't seen the light of day. He says he can't live without me, and wants to marry me, but
so far we haven't set a date. He is 52 and I am 58 and we have been together 3 1/2 years. We have two homes, as he is a farmer, one in the city and one at the farm. I live mostly in the city. It is a lonely existence for me, because 6 months of the years I rarely see him. He thinks he is treating me well, but I feel like l am settling for leftovers.
I hope the advice and conversations here are helpful to you as well as you, Margaret. It sounds like you're finding out just what his comfort level is, and what works for him. People always do what works for them, regardless of their reasons or excuses. It's up to us to figure out if it works for us.
Hello Doreen,
My heart goes out to you and where you are in your life. Life is so very "short" and precious and this is a time where you should be celebrating each day! I'm so sorry that a man at this age and time of his life can't "figure" it out....but those are his issues and not yours to own. While I know and understand you love him, as Jane has said, you do have a choice. The ball is in your court girlfriend!
I too am in a similar situation.....someone that I dated for a long time; left him and now somewhat back together. He hasn't changed but I have and while I love him and I believe he loves me...he is who he is. I created a life for myself long ago and I'm going to continue that life with or without him. He has to make the choice whether or not he wants to get on the "train".....not me. My heart is pure and I'm happy with that decision....
All the best to you Doreen.....you are a beautiful person!
Melanie
Greetings Melanie. Yes. We must create our own happiness. Stop giving these men chances. Setting our standards higher will eliminate at lot of pain. Know your self worth and never stop evolving. MAKE A CHOICE. TO TAKE A CHANCE TO CHANGE. 1 LOVE
Thanks for your beautiful words here, Melanie; I know you understand!
Greetings Beautiful Sisters. Doreen, This is coming from my heart. RED FLAGS ON THIS. HE IS PLAYING YOU WITH HOT & COLD, FUTURE FAKING,, FWB BEHAVIOR. DROP HIS ARSE. He is an EUM & old school player baby. He been doing this to woman for a while. He is not going to change for you. Why should he? Besides YOU DESERVE BETTER. AND YOU KNOW THIS. Set your standards higher. Stop all this bs. You are fabulous and a beautiful woman. A friend once told me. "YOU CANT TURN A PIG INTO A SILK PURse." You can do better than him and you know this . 1love Sis.
Thank you for adding your perspective here, Sharri. It sounds like you've been down this road before.
Peace and Blessings Jane. I feel like a cyber Diva. This is my very 1st time Ever doing this. Thank you for this wonderful education. Yes, My SITUATIONSHIP with Mr. Panama was the beginnings of a new ME. I was wearing. THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES so hard; I couldn't. See my own truths. I knew in my bones I deserve Better. I had to start forgiving. Let go of my Mommy And
Daddy. Issues. Then I was brave enough to release the harmful addictive love traits I acquired from my past. Then 1 day I felt my heartbeat so peacefully...
You're so welcome, Sharri. I'm my so glad you're seeing this - your own truths! - like you are. Brave is right; this journey is one of courage to face yourself like this and see what is real and what is our own programming and conditioning - ours pasts. It's always in that acceptance and forgiveness of ourselves as much as anyone else, that you find your peace. To the new YOU!
I know exactly how you feel as I've just stopped waiting for my man of 5 years (I'm 33 and he's 37) and left him six weeks ago. It was the hardest decision of my life but one that I mulled over for the last year before I finally had the courage to leave him and say to him and myself, that's enough! I have to get off the roller coaster ride. My health started to suffer, my friendships, my business and of course our relationship. He was just the most commitment phobic guy I have ever come across however for 5 years I was told all the right things. I've been ring shopping, let's get a pool for our future family, bought a 4x2 family home, 'that room can be the nursery', when we get married let's travel to Europe, you'd make such a good Mother and Wife…. the list goes on and on and on. And I believed him for so many years. Now I've finally had the courage to leave and start my life over, I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Given it's only been 6 weeks, now I wake up in the morning and I feel free, I can make whatever decisions I want because he's not holding me back from it anymore. I'm not living in his timeframes and that is SUCH a good feeling. Yes I'm still sad and in fact, I cried for hours last night but then all I think about is - I could still be there, right now at our house and enjoying a lovely Tuesday night. However all those underlying fears and anxiety of 'when will he propose', 'how much longer should I wait', 'am I reading this situation right', and convincing yourself that's he changing and getting 'closer' to committing - would still be there! These type of men are so happy to just go along with it. I found that my ex had no concept of time… no concept of him getting older, not to mention my biological clock ticking which he just put his head in the sand over!!!! So my advice to you Doreen as someone who has literally just gone through the same thing, is there might be a bit of short term pain however I really believe its for long term gain. The longer you wait, the worse it got for me and it was nothing but torment in the end. Best of luck xx
Peace be with you. Everything gonna be alright. You are so brave. Take some time out and date you now. Fall in love with you. He don't deserve you and your love. You are a beautiful flower. Cheriish the breath of your life . ! Love.
Thanks so much Sharri. I love how you said 'date you now'. Ever since I read that I have been thinking about that all day. Whenever I feel lonely and miss him, I just ask myself for more love and then I feel better again. We really don't need anyone else before we love ourselves. Thanks again
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Sarah. When you've been there, you understand more than anyone else can. "Now I've finally had the courage to leave and start my life over, I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders." This - the after part - is the part we fear, and yet when you find the courage within yourself and choose you and the life you want to create for yourself instead of staying stuck in the fear, you discover exactly what you've discovered here. I'm so glad you've found this freedom for yourself, Sarah, even among the tears.
Thanks so much Jane for replying and for your encouragement. I've been having doubts about whether I made the right decision and just so many sad moments but deep down I know I did because of the relief I feel and the weight lifted from my shoulders. I'm sooo glad I'm on the other side of the hard decision…. was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And you're so right, it was fear all along that stopped me. I hope to meet a wonderful man and then look back and be so proud of myself for making this decision. Thankyou Jane for such a wonderful blog and helping me feel connected to others who are going through the same thing. You are a very wise woman who knows exactly how it feels 🙂
So glad this is helping you through what you're going through here and reminding you that you're so not alone, Sarah. And thank you for your kind words 🙂
Thanks Jane! It's amazing to that you always reply! Your blog is seriously what is helping me get through this breakup and knowing I'm not alone. I sent you an email too so when you see it from Sarah, that's me! 🙂
You're so very welcome, Sarah; I know it's not easy so I'm so glad this is helping you through! 🙂
Doreen, you already know. Don't tie yourself in knots to make it work. See him for a while longer if you need that time to come to terms with it, but play him at his own game and you make other male friends. He knows exactly what he is doing and he is playing you to see how far he can go without having to commit. He is old enough to know that to keep a good woman you fully commit. You sound like a lovely woman. You deserve better. Don't settle.
Thank you for adding your insight here, Liz; we always know.
I think if a woman love serious to a man, she needs to learn how to patience to him because sometimes man is confuse and need his cave.
Greetings. No pun intended. But your advise is awful. & not helpful. Set your standards higher so you can get out of his CAVE....1 LOVE
That's why this is always your decision, Shou. You're the only one knows what you can and can't live with, and if - and for how long - you're willing to wait for someone and continue to put someone else's needs before your own. If you haven't already read my previous post on being "all too understanding", you may find this helpful. At the end of the day, the only person you answer to is yourself, and what you choose is always up to you.
He is keeping his options open.
i know this feeling of a emotional rollercoaster, when you're away from him think of the future as if you were to marry him n how it would sound: example: Kerry stokes & and john smith , they get married & Kerry marries john n she would be a Kerry Smith. 1 of my ex's looked like a girl, he was dirty, i loved him in the 1st place but he was a politician, i broke it off bcoz he was bad guy, dirty,political, i didn't see myself being with him n i didn't wanted my last name to salmon which is hard. know what u want in the future.
if u do plan on moving on find a new man, be friends with him first around 6 months, if u do like him n get along really well then start to become BF & GF n take things from there, sometimes men can make us ladies have a crush on them.
if the guy you're with n plan to stay with him think to yourself "is he the RIGHT ONE for me. if he isn't move on. if he is u can tell him you're the right 1 for me. if you ever feel sad or down eat ice cream n talk to your besties, family about it
good luck Doreen. all the best
Thanks for adding your own insight here, Courtney. When you've been there, you so understand!
Doreen all i can say to you as a woman is enjoy is company and each other you cant really force him or put pressure on him for the fact that he has been living alone for the past 9years, be patient wit hhim, have a little faith, be positive and ask the universe to grant your wish, and have patience you had it when u were chatiting with him on e-mails for months before you met,,you are at the age were you cant just give up everytime things arent going your way, from what i have read he has a good heart and you as well. no one said life and relationships are easy, they have have their ups and downs, if all was well in all the relationships in the world then there was'nt gonna be any divorces would they and break ups..smile a little be calm and at the end of the day we can comment on what is best for you or any other person in a relationship crisis but your the one to make a final decision and you'll be the one to live with it for the rest of your life...so do what puts a smile on your face .......best of luck...
"...so do what puts a smile on your face" - So true, Khanya; because ultimately being responsible for our own happiness is the only way to make sure we are getting our own needs met!
Hi Doreen , I feel what you feel, I am also in love with a man that I adore - he's decent, intelligent, funny, sexy, and so good to be with. But he is also like your man, perfectionist, always in control, and has an aversion to committing - I mean, he doesn't even have a dog !!! My heart was broken when he said that we had to lift the foot off the accelerator as he cannot give the full commitment of a boyfriend and it wouldn't be fair on me ... But Jane is right - you make the choice if you are okay with his terms, as long as you are together - in his terms ! Or you can think about your own long term well being ? Do you deserve better ? I think so . I wish you luck and complete enlightenment - which I also pray for , for myself . Take care Doreen ! Thank you for your sound feedback Jane ! xxx
You're so welcome, Grace. So glad this helped you as well 🙂
Hi Jane,
I totally agree with your views.
Only we have the power to mould our life..
Doreen should just let him go his way & should not force him in any manner.
Trust me, true love would always find its way back...
-Deepti
"Only we have the power to mold our life..." So true, Deepti; thank you for adding to this conversation.
Time is the one thing you can never get back. Once a man or woman knows someone is waiting for them they perceive them as having less value. Unless you are a dog or cat that welcomes them home at the end of the day AFTER they choose to take you home, they will lose respect for you. Kind of like the movie Hitch, when there was a flashback to the character in college, who acted like a lost puppy dog. He was seen by the woman as pathetic. The more devoted he was the more she was repelled. Regardless of gender this is usually how waiting goes. Don't wait. You are delaying better things and people for what? If he was worth it he would do anything he could to quickly claim you as his and his alone! This is not a statement of your value. Just a statement of how worthy he is to have a place in your heart. If he makes you wait at all, he should have no value, not because he is lacking in it. But because he is not a viable candidate for love. Please move on. Like the memes say: the truth hurts and that is why it is the truth or silly girl he doesn't care. I've been there and I was only making a fool of myself and losing self-respect every second I was waiting. Don't do it anymore. You are worth far more than that.
"This is not a statement of your value. Just a statement of how worthy he is to have a place in your heart." So true, Jackie. Thank you.
Thanks. It is so simple. The heart wants what it wants but it needs to be redirected by the brain.
Darling do what i am doing and just focus on other things.... there will be a peace in that because the up and down will have caused all sorts of stress related things in your life. You got got put it down to destiny... if its meant to be its meant to be.... if he loves you like he says and you feel then he will be back on terms that suit you both.
You've been so busy focusing on him (like i was with mine) that you lose sight of you... good relationships are about sharing light not continually struggling to even find it.
Sure he might be the man but he has to step up and in the meantime go for loving yourself... go online and start chatting with other men, take up a class, immerse yourself in your family, community, politics, start volunteering, write your memoirs. stand in front of the mirror and say out loud I love you. you can go around and round because its about him at this moment... find yourself and it will get clearer.
all blessings to you xxxx
"Sure he might be the man but he has to step up and in the meantime go for loving yourself... go online and start chatting with other men, take up a class, immerse yourself in your family, community, politics, start volunteering, write your memoirs. stand in front of the mirror and say out loud I love you. you can go around and round because its about him at this moment... find yourself and it will get clearer." So true, Josie; thank you for adding this!