One of our dear readers, Sheryl, has written to me wondering why she was unable to set boundaries with her previous boyfriend - it's a very common situation and one that so many of us find ourselves in.
Here's her email:
I've done a considerable amount of soul searching the past week after a difficult deceitful break up. I realized that I set no boundaries with this man which is so unlike me.
After literally making a list of my assets (what I have to offer) what I want in a relationship and then what "he" turned into after the first 6 month, I tolerated the most immature, crude, cruel behavior I have ever seen.
I'm struggling as to WHY? Why would I have put up with something that was truly so unacceptable to me... even at the time.
My Response:
That's great you made this list, Sheryl. It really puts it in perspective when you can see just how much you have to offer and what you were putting up with.
We all have our reasons that we go into that place, where we forget who we are and what we deserve. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this and realizing that setting your own boundaries around someone else's behaviors are the key to getting what you want – and avoiding what you don't – in any relationship.
Whenever we find ourselves putting up with certain behaviors that we wouldn't normally allow, there's an exchange going on that we may not even realize. As in, what you were getting in return from him offered you something that was worth more to you than calling him on it and refusing to put up with it, or simply walking away.
Since you obviously understand the way boundaries work and you're in touch with your own, there was clearly something there that seemed worth it to you at the time, even if you weren't consciously aware of what it was.
Look closer at what he had that drew you to him.
Why were you with him in the first place? Why did you remain with him while he was exhibiting these behaviors?
Don't look for these answers as further reasons to beat yourself up; look at them as clues to understanding some triggers deep within you that you may not even realize you have.
Sometimes it takes a certain type of person under certain kinds of circumstances for us to see something – and learn something – that we wouldn't otherwise have learned.
That's the real gift in these experiences. There's always a reason if we're willing to see it – and learn from it.
But don't let this derail you, Sheryl.
Too often we look at these at yet another opportunity to shrink back and stay stuck in the "why" instead of asking the questions, finding our answers and becoming aware, and then moving on to making whatever changes we need to make in our lives out of our new awareness.
Don't stay in the why. Come out into the beautiful light of you.
Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our dear friend Sheryl? Share them with us in the comments!
When my new dating franchise is up and running, I want to market your info. This will be the Second dating franchise I have started. You are great!! I am still single!
Thank you, Cheryl; I'm so glad you're enjoying the site!
Ms. Jane is very true its better to open up your eyes to the reality either it cause a lot of pain instead of making always yourself believing that these fairytales a happy ending that only exist in your own belief:)
but still believing because TRUE LOVE WAITS:)
Exactly, Kristine!
I took lots of abuse from her the last year. And I left cookies at her door to surprise when she came home from work. Looking back, she was trying to pick fights with me I suspect because she wanted to break up. I dont know why. I do know I treated her like a princess. I wanted our relationship to work so bad I put her first. And she did, too. I am still trying to get over this. But the part Jane wrote about why we take bad things from others could be in order to continue to get from them what we want is intriguing and true. Nobody should want anything that bad. And nothing is worse then trying to find yourself and your life again after everything crumbles. I traded myself for a girlfriend who changed after 8 months. Jane has sent me encouraging words. I have a good friend and small family. Sorry lola, men hurt too.
I hear you, Wayne. We all hurt, regardless of gender, regardless of who we are or where we've been. Underneath all our programming and conditioning and experiences that have shaped who we are today, there lies the little girls and boys who are still right there just below the surface wanting to be loved.
http://www.epicdash.com/their-marriage-broke-a-world-record-but-their-secret-is-simple-everyone-needs-to-know-this/
Everyone read this article. Excuse typo errors in message above. I meant to say I have dated types that look good on paper ...but jerks inside. The fact is we don't know what may happen in 5mins or tomorrow. Obviously run away from jerk men and manipulative women . Every one experiences issues in their relationship . Do not give up. Forget your pride and ego. Have some self respect and dignity yes. But in a relationship is not about point scoring or if you are right and he is wrong. The fact is people are getting mixed messages from media and various blogs. Please jane write about more relationships working through the obstacles. Plenty of successful teamwork union out there.
I agree, Realist. Every successful teamwork union requires exactly that; teamwork. That means two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's the reality check that always determines whether what you've got is worth what you're putting into it to begin with. And if you're willing to be honest with yourself and look at the reality instead of the fantasy, you'll always know.
Jane as much as I appreciate and can agree with some or most of your blogs. You are encouaging people to pick and choose and predict peoples character. No one can predict. We all change and grow . Both women and a man should work as a team to grow better themselves. I ahree there are player men amd women. Souls who are mean and and dark. Yes you should avoid ...even run from these people. No one deserves that. But most of yoyr articles and tweets are encouraging the unknown.Cultures and relayionships have different dynamics. I was in a relationship where he was he didn't treat me nice due to his past then he grew and changed into a prince. I have also dated all types men from stable homes established jobs good looking and also not great looking but attractive in their own way. The fact is people including men are also a product of their environment. They know whay they know...its up to individuals to want to change. You can marry at 25 by 50 both people have changed and they may break up. Also someone can marry at 35 and may split at 45.we just don't know people can change. Can all go smoothly at the start with sayings like MEANT TO BE...EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON ALL THAT DRIVEL. but the reality is yoy just have to deal with it and fight for it. Older generations did not just give up or let go. You keep trying if yoyr hearts in it. You can ignite the attraction and can grow. You need to write abput relationships that work. My parents have a great union. They grew...my dad explains men can be stupid and foolish amd can be immature in comparison to women. The reality us we cannot predict what happens tomorrow. My aunt fell in love and her husband was shot dead after 6years. All this advice is great support for people who need support. But you are leaving out a lot of reality. People are already confused with the wrong messaging from media and films.
No one can predict the future, Realist. On the contrary, what I'm saying is never to encourage anyone to step blindly into the future with someone who isn't willing to work together to make a relationship work, but it's to open your eyes to the reality of what is - the facts you know, the track record you can see - instead of being blinded by the culturally programmed fantasy of what we so want it to be, to the detriment of one's self in the process. Without two people being on the same page and wanting the same thing and being willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, you can try until you've lost every part of yourself in the process and nothing may change if you're the only one who wants it to work.
The key is to use our heads and well as our hearts, to know the difference between giving up too soon and giving up too much, and knowing what is worth fighting for and what isn't. That's why you're the only one who knows what you need to do for you, Realist. What you do with that reality is always up to you.
Hi sheryl love yourself. Move on
"Sometimes it takes a certain type of person under certain kinds of circumstances for us to see something – and learn something – that we wouldn't otherwise have learned." Jane, What a relief these words were to me this morning! Then I re-read your article on heartbreak as a gift, and I was reminded again that I am right where I am supposed to be learning the lessons that I am to be learning. This is NOT about my being such a horrible crazy unlovable person....This is about learning to value and care for and love myself and to set the boundaries that agree with that. I had another growth experience last night and I saw myself getting ready to throw me under the bus and beg for love. Then I realized that it is ok to state how I want to be treated, but then I need to stop and leave it with that person and see what they do with it. And if they do not then treat me well, then I have information and can make an informed decision. All very well and good except that my heart is involved, too. So I have to be willing to hug myself in the sadness and not berate myself for, once again, not being good enough. So, here's to you Little Debbie! I love you and you certainly ARE enough. And you and I do not any longer have to hide out in these horrible relationships accepting whatever treatment comes our way just to get an occasional hug or sweet word tossed our way.
Well stated!!
Exactly, Deborah! I'm so glad these words resonated with you just when you needed to hear them. It's NEVER about you being anything but a beautiful woman, worthy of being loved for who you are without settling for crumbs from someone who isn't capable of giving you anything more. To leave what's not ours to take on and take only what's yours, that is exactly what we're learning to do. Without the berating, without the self-judgement that we so easily go back to that would dare to tell us we're not good enough. That's never who we are. "And you and I do not any longer have to hide out in these horrible relationships accepting whatever treatment comes our way just to get an occasional hug or sweet word tossed our way." - Beautifully said, Deborah. Thank you so much for sharing your journey; I know there are many others going right along with you, too!
Seems like the more we do for them, to win their approval and want us -once we shed ourselves (give all we've got to "the one" we want) we become self-depreciating, we in-turn disrespect ourselves; not a pleasant character trait for anyone to want. We as women have to do what is good for us first. Men like to hunt, they test us to see how far they can get before we crack, and if we crack they don't feel the challenge they need, its not so much a game its more of what their nature is. Example- If I save for something its because I really want it, if it was given to me I won't appreciate it as much as when i had to work for it. Same goes for guys, they love validation they want to be the hero but they need to feel they had to work for it -then they appreciate it.
And self-deprecating, self-disrespecting is no way for anyone to live, Lola; we do, as you say, need to do what is good for us first. Our happiness begins with there, without looking to anyone else to "make" us happy.
You have to set those boundaries....if not you look one day and say WTH!!! Since my relationship has ended...I can see where my learning experience took place. I want something different therefore I am going to do something different.
Love your statement here, RealDavis; "I want something different therefore I am going to do something different." Exactly!
Dear Sheryl,
How clever of you to see all this in one week !
So it's an advantage that you are aware of it.
I can say from my experience, just thinking and writing boundaries is
Good. But then here "he" comes. And life is like ,
Well okay girl keep those boundaries incheck! Here he is ! Tadaaaaa
That was and is a hard part. And in my life it was harder,
When I was in fight with what was . I was so stubborn and proud to
Not see it. I would not even think of the boundaries !
( I am sensitive for attention & wanted approval. That's what I learned from Jane s blogs)
So my advice what helped me was, feel it in your stomach & heart. Like
A compas. So when he comes and does not like your boundary . You wil
Feel it inside something will say "well then I have to move along & date someone else "
Instead of " am I being to hard or to witty or what's wrong with me rtc etc " !
It took me damn 2 years and still learning haha...
Good luck!
thank you Ms.Jane for giving us your time and effort to help all the girls out there who's facing a too much pain with there man....either i know how to help my self and to stand again after the pain he cause the only things i worried is that i know one day he came back and if in that day i still love him i can say YES.:(
You're so welcome, Kristine; I'm so glad you found your way here! Remember that you are always stronger than you think you are, no matter how much you may struggle with seeing this for yourself. It's in those times when you choose yourself first, when you take your stand and refuse to settle for anything less than you know yourself you deserve, that an inner resolve will come from deep within you and you will find yourself stronger and more confident than you ever imagined you could be. It's happened for so many of us, and it will happen for you, too. Regardless of what he says or does or leads you to believe he is about, remember that you're always the one in control of your own life; you're always the one doing the choosing!
Ms.Jane
I'm so blessed to find in this Web site♥♥♥.Again Thank you very much Ms.Jane and I'm still looking forward for your all articles. you're such a blessing to all women out there who is facing a lot of Hearth break and pain.
Girls if you know to yourself that you never hurt him, but still he choose to hurt you its ok to be angry, its ok to feel the pain, but always remember a woman with a pure and good hearts never loss the right way.The way our true Happiness
Thank you, Kristin, and know that it's always ok to feel your own feelings. We may have been taught that it's our role to keep everything happy and harmonious, but the reality is that we're all human and it's a part of who we are to have feelings and emotions. It's in their expression and acceptance that we find our self-esteem and confidence by accepting every single part of us, not just the culturally acceptable parts!
Love how you explained this process in such detail, Maris. As this has always been one of the things I've struggled with the most, I can completely relate! Still learning ... yes, exactly 🙂
Thank you. It certainly wasn't easy. I have done more self assessment in the past couple of months than in my whole life! but well worth the effort. It was interesting, because Jane suggested that I figure out what drew me to him in the first place. He was the "perfect" companion for me in the beginning. That was what I was drawn to and would still be today. But after 6 months, he was almost the opposite. I was not attracted to thie "real" person at all but kept thinking he would change back. My issue is allowing more time to pass, get to know someone better and let the "real" person come out before I make any type of committment. As Jane says, if its' right, you'll both know it and it will be easy. I totally agree. As usual, she is wise beyond her years. Best wishes