We all have one.
And we’ll do anything to defend it, to keep it going.
It keeps us doing the same things over and over again whether it’s working for us or not. It isn't, but that’s not the point because we’d rather be right than to have to change it. Whether it’s why we’re still single, why we haven’t met him yet, or why it’s not our fault and we can’t possibly do anything to change it ourselves, we’re sticking to it no matter what.
What I'm talking about is our story.
We all hang on to it so tightly.
Until eventually, those tiny cracks that have started to creep into it can no longer go unnoticed and we’re forced to finally look at them for what they really are: a story. When you've been telling yourself the same thing for so long, when you've found a thousand ways to support and prove why it’s not just your story but your truth, it’s the hardest thing to see it for what it really is.
Even if it keeps on hurting you over and over again. Even if it keeps you from seeing a different way of being. Even if it could change your life if you could ever give it up. It’s not about that. It’s become your story.
It’s become you.
Most of our stories are completely subconscious; we don’t even realize they’re there, and we don't know where they came from. But once we learn to identify them, there’s no doubting they’re there.
Most of them were told to us when we were young, either directly or indirectly. It could have been by the way we saw them modeled for us by those around us who we thought were supposed to know.
They grow bigger and stronger by the ways they’re defended, first by others, and then by ourselves.
We learn them well.
We see the power they hold by the way they’re adopted as truths. We see the support they’re given as they’re reinforced by those closest to us who we really believed knew better than we did.
And so as we grow older, it’s not just that we get more set in our ways, it’s that we get more dug in to our stories. Of why we believe we can’t change. Of why we’re not open to trying anything new or different. Of why it isn't our fault and we can’t change it anyway. Of why the same thing keeps happening to us. Of why there’s nothing else we can do instead.
It’s why I chose to hang on to a relationship that shouldn't have ever been called that, simply because it began exactly the way I had always imagined (the way I had always been told) a storybook romance would start.
Because it began as our eyes met when I dropped my sunglasses and he picked them up. The story played out quickly in my head - I was looking directly into the eyes of my Prince Charming. It fit my story, or at least the one I thought I wanted. My own personal fairytale.
He turned out to be the most emotionally unavailable man I've ever known. But I didn't see it. I wouldn't see it.
He quickly became the one who would disappear when I would least expect it only to reappear in the same way. But when he reappeared, I would drop everything and run back into his arms, because I was back in the story. It was just a brief intermission, I told myself.
I repeated this same pattern over and over again because the chemistry – that spark – was unlike anyone I had met before.
Stuck in my story, I couldn't see it at the time, but I now realize that it was precisely because he was so emotionally unavailable that I was so drawn to him, and it was exactly why I felt like the chemistry was so great. It was also why I held on so tightly, and why I would come up with any excuse to be with him when he called.
I just kept believing that love would find a way as I held on to this fantasy of what I so wanted it to be.
The only way I could finally see this all for myself, was when he completely disappeared after one of the most promising times I’d ever spent with him on vacation with his family, and his cell phone number voice mail was replaced with a message that it was no longer receiving incoming calls.
Finally, thankfully, I was forced to end that version of my story.
Sometimes it’s a bigger story. Like a woman I know who insists she can’t trust anyone.
She insists that no one can be trusted and she builds such strong walls around herself that no one dare come close. She doesn't let anyone get too close, but shuts herself off by only having surface relationships and never giving anything of herself while all the while insisting that no one wants to be with her.
She wonders why she doesn't have any real friends, not realizing that her story has created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She’s still alone year after year, while it’s no coincidence that the amount of evidence that she can’t trust anyone keeps growing with the number of times she’s been betrayed by people she let in and the uncanny circumstances that have her belief system reinforced time and time again.
Ironically, it’s only those people who aren't trustworthy and prove her right that she keeps finding over and over again. Alone, she lives. Alone, she believes she’s better off than being with someone she can’t trust. And alone, she can’t even shed those healing tears that have become so hardened in her heart.
And then there’s the story of a friend of mine who has always insisted she knows better than anyone else about what she's looking for and why nothing less would ever do. Her story is that she has very high standards. She's holding out for a certain spark, a certain type, and if she doesn't feel it right away, it's not worth her time.
She's overlooked so many eligible men that would have given her everything she was looking for had she given them half a chance.
She’s still single late in life and holding ever tighter to her story that there just wasn't anyone good enough worth committing to. Except that she cries herself to sleep these days wondering why she chose to be right more than she chose to be happy.
I understand these stories all too well.
They’re not just our stories; they’re our lives.
They’re how we live the way we do, they’re why we live the way we do, and they keep on dictating our lives even as we insist we've tried everything, we've done everything, and there’s nothing more we can do.
It's these stories that keep us believing we’re the victims, and hold us to a place where the sun shines on everyone else and not anyplace where we might be.
No matter what anyone says, you insist that you know. That you’re right and they’re wrong. That this is just the way it is, that you have to do this or that, that you can’t do something else or try something different. That it’s not possible, not an option, couldn't work, wouldn't be anything different than it is.
We dig our heels in. We fight it. We refuse to listen, to be open to hearing what our own hearts and souls are saying, let alone a well-meaning friend or someone else who knows us all too well.
I know because I had them too. I still do. New ones that crop up every so often and catch me unaware.
Until, if I'm lucky, I catch myself falling into that old trap of defensiveness that always tells me there’s something more going on below the surface.
It may not be the story I used to hold so strongly to about romantic beginnings leading to fairy tale endings that I couldn't see past. And it may not be the story of love conquering all that I clung to instead of opening my eyes to the reality that it takes two people who actually want to be together in the same committed relationship before love can conquer anything. But those stories still come up when we find them easier to call in than changing our position and learning to go with the flow.
It’s time to change this.
It’s only hurting you, my beautiful friend. It doesn't affect anyone else, and no one, in fact, even notices or cares. But it’s no way for you – or anyone else – to live.
What's your story worth to you?
What makes you hold onto it so tightly? Find the reason, dig deep because it’s there, and you're the only one who can uncover it. It’s the only way to throw the doors open on your story and see it for what it is.
Your story.
Not you. Not your truth. Not your reality. Not the way it is. It’s the way you've decided it needs to be, even if you don’t remember making this decision for yourself.
But it doesn't need to be this way.
I’m here to help you see those cracks in the surface. I’m here to help you discover what’s really there behind those holes in your story.
It doesn't have to continue to be your story, but you’re the only one who can release you from it.
Because in order for you to see the real story, the one that’s just waiting to be told, you have to be willing to let go of the old story that hasn't gotten you any further than where you've been. It’s right there waiting for you to discover, but you have to want to find it, too.
It has to come from you.
And you have to want to be happy more than you want to be right.
What’s the story that you've been holding onto that you’re ready to release? Share it with us here in the comments, if you’re ready for a new one.
What if my story ended after 25 years of marriage because my ex chose addiction over his family? How do I find the self confidence to say...."It wasn't about me....he chose badly." How do I ever trust a man again? I went to coffee with a wonderful guy but he is so busy with his life and has his own wounds from an ex that cheated on him. How do you balance reaching out and waiting patiently? How do I rewrite my story?
It wasn't about you, Leslie. Yes, from where you stand, he chose badly. But it was his choice, not yours, and like all of us, he did the best he could with what he knew at the time. Start with that and rewrite the rest.
Hi Jane
I like all ur posts and everything u say ..u r totally right
but realizing that the other part is emotionally unavailable n I have to move on in my 35 years is really painful. .I'm not afraid to be alone but it was true love .
once I read a book for a bible teacher where she said " never give up on some one u love maybe ur love is the only thing he needs to make complete turnaround "
U don't believe that it can happen n god can do miracles .? ?
Thx
I believe miracles are always possible, Dorsaf, but my concern is what we do to ourselves while waiting for those miracles. Yes, we can inspire someone to change, but the price we pay in terms of our self-esteem and self-confidence while living our lives waiting for that change that may never come, is more than any of us should be willing to pay. If we loved ourselves like this, we'd see this so much more clearly. You'll always be the first to know if that turnaround comes, but isn't your life worth living, truly living, in the meantime?
Yup it's is 🙂
Thx Jane
This article is about me no doubt. I'm in tears and I don't know how to begin to heal. So hard. So hurt. So scared. So alone. So defensive. So fearful of giving anyone a chance in my life. Don't know when I ever will. Sigh!
You're not alone, Nadine. Be so proud of yourself for taking that first step to recognize what you're feeling here, and what's coming up for you! It's in this kind of honesty, of looking at yourself like this - without trying to hide from yourself your own reality - that you see yourself where you are. That's when the real work, the real change, the real living and loving begins, when you start where you are with compassion and love for yourself for the real you. One step at a time, we're going to get there together, Nadine. You can do this, because it all begins with you.
Jane, I have been struggling with all of this since I wrote the first time. I finally has hit in order to live I have to forgive everything I thought was my story. While yes its very hard and painful just to even say this. I know this is what's holding me in my own quicksand. I can't live like this anymore. I have so much love to give but first I must give it to me or it really doesn't matter who comes along. I've been single for 8 months with occasional dates and 1 in particular that I thought was different but really just the same. This has been so hard for me to love me know me and accept the fact that i choose happiness. I know im not ready to date as I'm not there yet but I wanted to thank you sincerely for allowing me to really look at myself to know im never going to be happy if I don't love myself first! Thank you Jane
I'm so thrilled that you've come to see this like you have, browneyedgirl. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. Be so proud of yourself for seeing the truth in those telling words "I'm never going to be happy if I don't love myself first." Exactly! No matter how much we try to convince ourselves it's something else. You've inspired me more than you know. 🙂
Hey Jane,
Well this is so not me, because I don't really like to open up this way with anyone. But I have been reading your emails, probably not all of them, but it's funny how every time I decide to read one it helps me see things in a different way. I appreciate your words, your advices, the time you take to read all of this emails that you often receive and reply to. I would like to share my story with you, so can tell me what you think. I'm a 26 year old girl, who believes that Prince Charming does exist and that perhaps he may be coming on a turtle instead of a horse and that's why he is taking so long, haha. I have been single for about 6 years now, I had a formal boyfriend when I was back in high school. We lasted about 4 years together, our life's were so different that at some point for that same reason, we had to go our own ways. About two years after we broke up I met someone, and it seemed like our life's were more alike, but little did I know that the guy was married. When I found out I never wanted to see him again.
Ever since then, I decided to wait, I said maybe it's just not my time. Sometimes I find other people more worried than I am, I feel peaceful knowing that God will place him in my path at the right time. And the same time I can't help to wonder when will that be. About two years ago or maybe a little more, I met this guy... he is my friends bother in law. Every time that there is a family reunion, like a wedding or engagement, I get invited and I see him. I spent this last New Years at their house, he lives in a different state than his family but he comes down to see them very often. Now he told me that he is moving back home, which I never thought it will happen any time soon. We will still live like four hours away from each other, but regardless he has never approached me in that way. And I'm not the type will go up to someone to tell him how I feel. If I tell him something I will ruin it, but if I wait... I guess what's meant to be will eventually find it's way. It's just so hard at times to sit and wait.
I'm glad my emails are giving you somethings to think about, Shirley; because it's when we're open to a new way of seeing things that we start to shift our own consciousness and start living better lives. I so hear you about the wait. It is hard to wait, but you can certainly drop some hints or put some feelers out there via your friend to find out if this particular guy might be interested in you, too or to let your friend know you're interested. And don't worry about what other people think about what you should or shouldn't be doing; your peace is worth everything!
Remember that you're still so young; you have your whole life ahead of you! This is a beautiful time of your life to be creating the life you want to live, the life that makes you happy. Whatever mode of travel your Prince Charming uses, being your beautiful true self and staying true to who you are is exactly how he'll find you and how you'll both know that you're right for each other. Trust yourself, Shirley; deep down when you listen to that little voice that's the real you, you always know what's best for you.
Hey There,
Just wanted to say, I have been confused, cuz I've been in love
with a guy for the past 3 months. We used to send lovey-dovey texts almost everyday and
after that, we hung out one day, and after that he disappeared with a flick.. 2 weeks after
we hung out, he saw me in person but spoke to me just normally... One week later, he
randomly texted me(a text which I shouldn't have replied to), and after ending the short conversation,
I never heard from him so far, and plus its been a few weeks.. I saw him in college a few days ago,
but he says 'hi' in a normal way, and I don't want to call him and ask him what the problem is,
b cuz I don't want him to think that I'm being desperate or needy, I'm just leaving it as it is, cuz I don't
want to lose him for good! I don't know, sometimes I feel I've already lost him.. I'm now coming to the point
where I'm not much bothered anymore, but deep inside I really do miss him :(, I'm trying to control this
sad feeling within me, and shift to a more happy feeling and live my own life,, 🙂
Know that you can't lose anyone who doesn't want to be lost, Alyssa. It's never about you, it's always about where he's and what's going on with him. Be so proud of yourself for being able to choose you first regardless of what he does or doesn't do and keep on doing what you're doing, shifting to a more happy feeling and living your own life is the way life is meant to be lived!
S. Jones please don't blame yourself. Your man has gone to make a life for himself and that has been his decision. He may yet decide he wants you in that new life but it is not your fault, he has chosen his path. I am still waiting for a man who left me a few months ago and like you I loved his company and miss him terribly. I dont know what it is about us nice women but we sure do get walked all over. If it's not in your nature to treat people bad then you just can't do it and that's that. I know Jane is right though when she talks about that one thing which we keep inside us and which has become a habit. Unfortunately I still haven't worked out what that is and am in my 60s now! My first husband walked out on me and our two children for another woman and the next man kept me on a string for years like a yo yo. then had a break for 15 years during which time thought I had healed and knew how to be with a man but what I had forgotten was that men of my generation especially don't know how to talk about their feelings and are so macho! I fell into the trap again as someone here has said he pursued me and that was exciting but before I knew it he had got me and I had fallen for him deep and all of a sudden when I least expected it he walked away and I am left with my heart ripped open again. The only support I can offer is that I know how you feel and if I could change his mind I would but it's this feeling powerless that is the killer. As you say in all other spheres of our lives we are confident and happy and have built up good careers and have nice homes, good friends and children but for some reason we don't have the one thing we think will make us happy - a good man. I might take Jane's advice and look for a therapist as I am wondering now why this keeps happening and at my age am getting just a little fed-up with the whole senario.
Don't give up hope xxxxx
Hello everyone,
I now realize that I have being living in the truth that I believe to be my life for years. I just realize there is pattern to the men I attract after this past relationship where the guy finally disappear on me. It is always someone am not really interested in at first, then comes the I should give them a chance phase, then comes the I start falling in love phase, and then comes the their not in love so much while I try to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it phase. I guess am always stuck on the fact that they liked me first so it is hard to let go. I always go back to blaming myself for their lack of consideration, for their lack of emotion, and for their careless attitude toward me.
I always consider myself to not judge people and especially not to judge men. The last relationship if you want to call it that was with someone who had children by three different woman. At first when he liked me I thought to myself this is a red flag, but I also did not want to judge someone for their past. He had lost his job and was out of work for years, but I thought to myself this can happen to anyone so I took it upon myself to help him. I started to know the disregard he had toward things and even toward himself, but I hung in there because he liked me first. I now realize that what I may consider not being judgmental towards people maybe my fear of being alone no correction is my fear of being alone!
I know people do have rough patches in their lives, but it is not for you to try and fix them. I guess I feel like this is away for them to see me, to realize am the good girl that has your back, but what I realize is that sometimes these people cannot even see themselves. I am at a cross road where now I realize things need to change, but how do I not become bitter in the process. I go for long periods of time not being in relationships and I always thought I was happy now I realize that I was afraid to go out in the world because I was afraid of rejection. I always thought my alone time was a process for working on me, but it was fear. I thought I had try everything to realize that maybe I hadn't.
So now what do I do they say be alone for awhile to work on yourself to love yourself, but how do I really do that? How do I get over the fear of being alone? How do I really let people in? How do I stand up for myself and let people go who are not good for me? I do not want to be bitter I read this blog and it is very helpful, but I just do know where to start. How do you not take these things personally when you keep getting hurt over and over? I want better life for myself God says you are not supposed to live in fear.
Blimey these last entries are so powerful - if we could meet I think it would help!
Seriously - I am with you all, all my exes have come back at some point, and I live in hope that this one will too .... I have a busy life, good job, lovely home etc, but boy did I enjoy his company - I can see what the lady is saying about us being brought up in the 70s, and yes, it appears that men were told not to feel - mine was brought up with older brothers and it seems like a macho thing?
I too get fed up with seeing women who treat their lovely men like rubbish, who have let themselves go etc, but men seem to like that - why?!
I truly believe my man had dreams to fulfil and I support him in that, but am blaming myself because if he thought enough of me he would want to share the life experiences he is desperate to fulfil.
Thoughts?
x
Hi Sophia,
When I read your story and the questions at the end, you remind me
Of me 3 years ago.
I had these questions too and fears ... In some way still have!
If you be honest with yourself and don't be afraid.
When you live in fear , it doesn't get better in time. It really blocks all the
Beautiful people and experiences. When you choose
Courage , and this means taking a risk... Going in your mind and see what you
Are telling to yourself! Is it real?
And I can guarantee you will
Feel lost or desperate at time, but this will all go or fade away.
How? If you start to believe that there is love and you need to do something for it.
That means you need to know yourself first.. Your voices are not always telling the truth.
This may sound simple, to me it is still a learning proces.
But I know that my body, my soul are it. That's all you got now and when it's
Time to leave this earth. So why not choose the good & healthy.
I lost 4 girlfriends because I choose to live healthy and in peace. So there you go , I even
Thought; if you can't treat me right like I told you or showed you. Then it's time to let these people
Know that it is time to go. When people show you who they are, that's who they are.
I must admit this is not easy, and sometimes i think. How in the world am I going to find healthy and
Good hearted people.
But then again, I don't worry to much because that's when the "fear" comes like a shadow.
When I am in fear, nothing good comes out of it.
What helped me were books and my spirituality/religion.
And maybe search a therapist or a close friend which can help you
By talking etc.
I hope you find peace in your soul!
I know you will, blog from Jane helped and inspired me a lot!
X
Maris
Hey Maris,
Thank you, for you advice. I made an appointment to see a professional, but I canceled the appointment. I think I will try again. x
Your welcome Sophia.
I am seeing a therapist to, I was first ashamed and scared.
But then thought, what's the worst that can happened anyway!
Greetings
Maris
P.s.
Excuse my English It's not my mother language 🙂
'It is always someone am not really interested in at first, then comes the I should give them a chance phase, then comes the I start falling in love phase, and then comes the their not in love so much while I try to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it phase. I guess am always stuck on the fact that they liked me first so it is hard to let go. I always go back to blaming myself for their lack of consideration, for their lack of emotion, and for their careless attitude toward me.' Sophia, I just read your post and this is exactly where I find myself. So I am asking myself why do I keep ending up here? And I think it is because I think so little of myself that when a guy I don't even like shows interest and pursuit I jump! And I blow by all of the red flags that keep popping up because he likes me, right? so I excuse them and keep going. then as his true colors show because he now has me and so starts treating me badly....I take it all in and blame myself right along with his blaming me and so I start frantically trying to patch things up....things that were broken from the beginning! All because I do not believe that I am the kind who can have a loving and kind relationship with a guy who really likes me for who I am. It is so hard to switch from looking at him....whoever the current him is.....and wanting him to tell me I am good to looking at myself and telling myself I am good.
That's exactly why, Deborah; you know, you've got this figured out for yourself and that's huge! This is why it always begins with you, with realizing what's going on and why changing your mindset so that you see yourself for the lovely woman you are who has so much to offer and so much to give someone who is truly worthy of you is how the real change begins. It always, always begins with you!
Jane,
Your last 2 articles definitely hit home. I think a big reason we are misled by the "spark" is because time and time again, we are told, "when you find ''the one' you'll know." I think that is basically assuming when we meet the man for us we will have some overwhelming feeling come over us- which you described previously as the spark... And, as we've learned there is more to it. Society has us spinning our wheels when it comes to dating... Do we play games, do we not... Do we act like those rude women men love, or do we just let all those notions go and be ourselves and accept that 100%? I hate playing games, I think it's unnatural and fake, but so many people tell me I should and that I'm too nice... But I wouldn't have it any other way. Recently I became a little unglued because of that spark with a guy and feeling so into him (mainly because he was being rude and mysterious)- so I get how men are drawn to it, we are too sometimes.
I'm a little torn on the whole "choosing to be happy vs. choosing to be right" piece. I'm 30 and have been in and out of relationships since I was 16... Some I look back on with fondness and some I look back and wonder what Was I thinking?! Some I've learned from... But now I'm in a conflicting spot because I'm in these forums sharing thoughts with all of you lovely people, but my world consists of friends getting married, having babies... Some divorcing, some single. I'm at where I'm supposed to be, but is what you're saying we should try again with people we were once with? I can say I've felt like me being right was me being true to myself in that moment... I don't wish my exes would have these epiphanies and leave their current situations for me, or I for them, because the selfless person in me wants them to be happy, as well.. I just sometimes wonder if they all are? I've had past boyfriends come back into my life (which didn't seem right to me at that time), so they'd reconnect with their old flames and marry off, which is great for them.. I just can't keep people hanging or lead them on.. I feel it's important to be fair and honest. And I think that exhibits a great deal of maturity and selflessness.... even though I can be stubborn. But I wonder, where's my magical moment of clarity? Sometimes I feel like the girl in Eat, Pray, Love... My head spins with all of these thoughts, but I believe they are stepping stones to something greater... I am extremely confident and upbeat.. I know with my greater amount of knowledge, any man would be lucky to be with me.. But I don't want my history of relationships to be held against me... (Some guys associate that with emotional baggage..?) I being too naive or is there something to it?
I so hear your confusion, Theresa. With all the "rules" and the games being played, and the influence of the media and so many things in our culture that reinforce values that we don't know what to make of, it's no wonder we don't know which end is up when it comes to dating and relating and finding the love that we're all looking for.
You're so not alone here, and I completely identify with where you've coming from. I'm not saying to necessarily try again with the ones you let go, I'm talking about peeling away all the layers that have become our "story" over the years, comprised of our culture, the media, the way we were brought up, the fantasies and fairytales we've mistaken for reality and any of the things that we've allowed to define ourselves over such a long period of time that they've become who we are instead of who we really are. Whatever that looks like to you is unique to each one of us, but the end result of finding out who you really are and what you're really looking for and being open to seeing that for what it truly is, is how we find this love that now can seem so elusive because we've made it so much more complicated than true love.
You're getting this, Theresa. It's never the same for all of us, but you're onto something when you see that there's something to this being real and authentic and being that true to yourself that feels right to you. It's because it is. It's when you've peeled away all the other layers of everything else that isn't really you, and you come to know who you really are and what you really want and why and what really matters to you, that you discover the core of you - the real you - that may not look quite the way it did before.
That's what I want you to see; not the you that someone else or our culture created for you, but the real you that sees life and love and reality the way it is, without all the other filters that can distort our views. Does that make this any clearer? Keep asking those questions, keep bringing them up and bringing them here as you sort through whatever comes up for you. That's why this is a journey, that's why it's about so much more than just finding him, getting married and living happily ever after.
If we didn't all have so much from our upbringing and our culture and the media getting in the way, it would be so much simpler. But since almost all of us get there the roundabout way, it's only in asking the tough questions, in being open to hearing ourselves think out loud, that we get closer with each thought that causes us to question the way we've been going, the truths we've made our own. It might not seem like much, but it is!
And know that someone who's truly right for you will never hold the history of your relationships, or your emotional baggage, against you, Theresa. He'll have his, too; we all do. And he'll be on his own journey, his own path, dispelling the same myths and stories he's been holding onto to, raised in the same time and culture as you. Don't worry about him; he's onto this, too!
Hello everyone,
Sometimes we just don't SEE the RED flags. We are women and we were raised to feel, love and want to be in a kind caring relationship. At least my generation was. Men were not raised the same way. I think they started out as little ones but then the world said "you are men, even if they were 3"...no crying, no hugging, etc. How the hell can we expect to get what we need from them if they have had it taken out of them????? I can't find an emotional available man if I paid for one. Plus, if you didn't have a good father figure growing up added to the mix then you have father hunger, too. I grew up in the 60's and 70's. What a different world we are in now. And what about the men who love women who are cold? These women seem to get all the attention they need.? Help...
You're so insightful here, Susan. This is exactly why we're never the adults we think we are in our relationships, we're always the hurting little girls and boys inside, still struggling to get our own needs met, to be loved for who we are and exactly as we are. And this is why we find who we do, and they find us. I talked about this in greater detail in my last post, but it's exactly why we go back and forth in a type of dance until we finally recognize and see for ourselves what's really going on.
There's good news here, too, though, Susan. We're starting to figure some of this out. The more we realize our power, the more we're refusing to settle for the behaviors we've been allowing for far too long. The more we do this, the more the men who can't commit or can't be emotionally available are realizing they need to get some help if they can't find anyone to put up with their lack of commitment and closeness. The more we women recognize this in our relationship and refuse to settle for what our mothers settled for, the more determined we become to raise our children differently and to recognize that little boys need to be allowed to be their true emotional and sensitive selves(because they are!) and little girls need to have their fathers come to them and seek them out so they don't spend their whole lives chasing after someone who reminds them of their father trying to win that love they never felt.
The more we insist that the men in our lives participate in this, the more we allow them to heal themselves as they allow themselves to be what they were never allowed to be. The more this ripple affect creeps into the popular culture with more and more bestselling books such as "Raising Cain; Saving the Emotional Lives of Boys" becoming required reading for teachers and parents and therapists who are becoming more open to hearing something different as they see the current results of continuing to do the same. It's hard not to argue that we've come so far away from what our hearts and souls are made for.
Slowly, but surely, one new way of seeing at a time, Susan, there's a current starting to move in the right direction. Not fast enough, I know, but it's something. And until then, I'm not going anywhere either. Your thoughts, and your questions, and your moments of inspiration, are always welcome here. And I'll always understand because I've been there in some form of where you've been, too. We all have, and still are. You're never alone here.
hi there
as someone who had been married for 20 years, and having had three long term relationships since (I am now a young 50) - I met the man of my dreams, but yes, he has disappeared - to Australia - after some lovely texts and emails. We have been together four years and have said we can work this out, I have even said ~i will go out there - I am gutted and feel left completely after supporting him for two years, believing he will set up work over there and then come back to share his life with his family and I - but he has ignored me now for two months - so difficult. As professional female, I feel like that 14 year old again who never got the guy!
And you're so not alone, S Jones. Don't take any of it personally; as much as it hurts becuase it affects you, this is entirely about him and has nothing to do with you. There's nothing you could have done differently; we always do the best we can with what we know and where we're at at the time. Don't be too hard on yourself; so many of us have been there all too many times before. We are such a loving, caring, giving, trusting kind, but to the detriment of ourselves when we do all that we do so well for the ones who aren't worthy of us.
Celebrate your beautiful young 50, S, you have so much to offer and give someone who is truly worthy of you, whether this one who comes back on your page next time, or someone else. But don't wait; live. It's in the living you find your life and your happiness and the way you deserve to be loved!
My compliments Jane, this article goes deep.
I am first very proud how you have written this, it is good.
I am digging deeper to see why I think so negatively / scared sometimes.
Because now I am in my twenties and enjoying this life and discovering
My own shadows and my more positive sides. I am imperfect, we all are. This is something
That I am learning to accept.
Which is in accepting the past and take the lessons from the past, but the key is I guess
To forgive and let go. Now I must say this for me personally took me a lot of
Time and pain ...
Now I am choosing peace and love for me and others . But there are times that I am
Scared to write my new story , a new beginning!
But it is also exciting ! It's like holding a pensel and I want to write, so I start with;
Dear Maris as a little girl you have experienced a lot of difficulties and you didn't always had
Great examples in life. But you always felt A joy towards the earth, life and the people. You desired for peace and love. As a refugee a dreamed of living in my own house in peace, with an open heart and joy surrounding me.
Now you are 28 and writing all over again... You have a house, you live in peace...
(Then i get a little scared and nervous... Can I really write my story?)
Thank you Jane! Be blessed & keep on writing !
That's exactly it, Maris; you wouldn't be human if it wasn't a little scary along with the exciting part! And it is deep, we have to come to see this on our own for ourselves, because the reasons underneath the surface always run that deep.
Keep writing that new story, Maris; see where it takes you and what it brings up for you. There's so much healing and understanding and living in the expression of your heart and soul that it may even surprise you. It takes courage to go deep, to question everything you thought you knew, to be open to what you're meant to see.
But something beautiful comes from this process; a new authentic real way of being, a you that you come to love, to understand, to accept because you discover who you really are at the core of you, without anything that's been put on you - just your beautiful true whole self.
And that's when you shine, Maris, that's when you radiate with that genuine confidence that comes through like nothing else. That's the real you!
Hi Jane,
When i want to right further...I get this feelings and fantasies about
Moving to another country.
Now I am living in Europe, so it's not like America haha...
So amazing about America is the size of your country.
But I have been for 19 years here and not especially thinking to go
To my "mother country "...
But I find it kind of weird, that these thoughts came up. They did in the pas also...
I was reading a book & that In my case maybe I am creating
My own identity... Some kind of identity crisis..
I even feel kind of embarrassing to tell you this...
Have you ever experienced it? That you just wanted to move into
A totally different country ?
🙂
More than you know, Maris; and that's exactly what I did. I was living in Vancouver, Canada at the time and feeling like I had exhausted all my options for love and finding the perfect man for me. I had landed my dream job working at the Fire Academy and meeting all kinds of men so I thought I was in the perfect place for a single woman, but the opposite was true. And so after one more "failed" relationship, I got everything together that I would need to move to the United States and I visited my girlfriend in LA and on a whim, went job hunting to see what was out there, found a great job, flew back home, packed everything I could fit into the back of my Honda Civic, and moved down to LA.
So yes, I have experienced it and lived it, and learned that sometimes the best thing we can when we're feeling stuck or not sure of what we need to do next, is listen to our inner voice and see what comes up for us. For me, it was so clear the way everything fell into place when I started putting things in motion, that I knew it was the right thing to do.
I wrote a post about this, particularly about how you still take yourself with you, no matter where you go, but there is nothing like a fresh start to make you feel alive, energized and excited about life again if you've gotten into a rut and find yourself able to explore these other options. Don't ever feel embarrassed, Maris, chances are, I've been there! 🙂