Have you ever met a guy, hung out with him for a while, maybe even went out with him on a date, and you thought everything went so well – but then he never called?
You just can't understand it – it seemed like you hit it off so well.
You had butterflies in your stomach just thinking about him. The two of you had such a great time, you were sure he could be the one. Mr. Right.
He probably told you that he had a great time and that he'd love to see you again – maybe he even set up a vague next date, like "let's get together next weekend" or something along those lines.
The next day you were hoping he'd call, just to say hi and maybe talk a while. But the day just kept going by without so much as a text. Well, maybe he was just busy, or didn't want to seem too forward, you rationalize to yourself. I'm sure he'll call tomorrow.
You spend the next day again constantly checking your phone for missed calls. Do you still have service? You check your email and Facebook accounts for any messages – still nothing. You start wondering if your texting service is down.
After two more days of this, you finally come to the sad realization that it looks like he's just not going to call.
Why didn't he call?
That's when you start thinking of what could have kept him from calling. Maybe he lost your number – you saw him put it into his phone, but maybe he dropped his phone into that fountain in front of the mall, and your number went with it.
Maybe he got into a car accident and he's lying unconscious in a hospital somewhere, and his friends and family had no idea that he had just fallen in love with the woman of his dreams.
Of course, you're a smart woman and you know that these scenarios are extremely unlikely, but what really happened? Did he not find you attractive, maybe you weren't funny enough, or smart enough, or sexy enough?
The simple truth.
Well, here's the simple truth about why he didn't call:
It doesn't matter.
I know you think it matters, and you want to know why he didn't call. And I know that you want to call him and ask him why. But that's a really bad idea.
Why?
First of all, if you did happen to get a hold of him, which is unlikely because he's probably feels bad that he didn't call you back and just wants to avoid you, but if you did get a hold of him the 'reason' he gives you for not calling you is most likely going to be something that he makes up so that you don't feel bad.
He might tell you that it's because he's going through a difficult time right now in his life, and he's just not ready for a relationship.
He might tell you he's still getting over his ex, and he doesn't want this to be a rebound relationship and just wind up hurting you.
He might tell you any number of reasons that he came up with purely to avoid hurting your feelings (unless he really has no feelings, in which case he might just be brutally honest, which would probably be worse).
But while these reasons may avoid hurting your feelings in the short term, they also keep you hanging on to a sliver of hope that he'll change his mind, that he'll suddenly get over his difficulties or his ex or whatever, and he'll be ready for the amazing relationship that you just know you could have together.
But you'll be hanging onto nothing.
The best you can hope for is the old standby "It's not you, it's me". That's about as close to the truth as you're going to get. He's right – it is him. You didn't do anything wrong. All you did was be yourself, which is all you can do.
The truth is that he simply decided that the two of you weren't a good fit, for whatever reason.
And the reason doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter.
I know you probably still think it matters. Because if you just knew the reason then you could show him that he's wrong, you could show him the real you and he'd realize how great you could be together.
Or, if you knew the reason you could learn from your mistakes and make sure it doesn't happen again.
But, you see, that would be a very, very bad thing. That would mean that you are changing who you are because of what ONE guy thought about you, and that's something that you never, ever want to do.
Why? Because you are perfect the way you are.
And if you try to change something about yourself, all you're going to do is create anxiety and confusion within your own mind, within your subconscious, within yourself. And that will dim the shining light of you. This will make it more difficult, if not impossible, for the right guy to find you.
The problem is that all of this leads to us trying to be something that we're not. This is what leads to anxiety and fear, both of which inevitably lead to something worse.
Before you know it, you don't even know who you are any more, much less be able to shine the light of who you are for the world to see.
The bottom line is that even though you felt a terrific connection, he didn't. And I can tell you why.
He wasn't the right guy for you.
It's actually great news – because you didn't waste any more time with him than you had to. You moved on as quickly as possible. Meaning that you are once again free and open to finding the guy who IS right for you – the one that you really can spend the rest of your life with in happiness.
So go ahead and forget about him – delete his number out of your phone if you have it, take him off of your Facebook friend list, do whatever else you need to do to stop thinking about him, and just forget about him.
But first, quietly and softly to yourself, thank him.
Thank him for not causing you any more heartache, and setting you free to find the true love of your life. That's what does matter!
Do you have a story of a time when you had a great date or felt a connection, but he never called? Tell us all about it in the comments!
We met last saturday. We have a very nice conversation he was very caring and he told me that we should meet again. Before he left he asked me for my phone number. Its Tuesday and didnt call yet :((( that connection i felt after a veryyy long timeeee
Jane, I found your blog on a google search and I truly loved this article. I'm a guy and I met an amazing guy 5 months ago in a yoga class. We hit it off instantly and had such a deep connection, laughing together, staring into each other's eyes, just happy to have found each other. It was the best feeling. We eagerly made plans to go out again and take another yoga class together. He asked me for my number and email, but never got in touch. 5 months later I received a friend request from him on Facebook. Now, I'm not sure I want to be his friend. I hate that he left me hanging and feel he is incapable to understanding someone else's feelings. Your article helped to shed more clarity on my decision. Thank you.
I met a guy in 2013 dec, we immediately hit off. He was everything that I wanted in a guy. I was in an abusive marriage and he was in a messy relationship. He took care of me, included me in his decisions , I really felt like he loved me. I finally got the guts to get a divorce. And things started to change, I don't even know where it started to change. all I know is he started calling me less and less. his excuse was he was busy at work. I would call, he would hang up and not call me the next day. I will be the one calling him, checking up on him. The last time I told him I loved him, he said thank you. my heart knew it was not the same.
I kept on running after him, he didn't treat me right but I always thought of the good did before and I would make excuses for him. I am still in the process of a divorce but I feel like he is doing me a favour. the last time I phoned him on Monday the 13th of April he didn't pick up and I never heard from him ever since. He hasn't returned my call. I am so heart broken. He was everything that I wanted in a man. I mean the things I did for him, for this relationship? my heart bleeds when I think of it.'
I haven't phoned back since and I don't intend to. I doubt he will call me as well. It hurts terribly to think he is not into me and he pretended to be all this time. How can he? How can he plan a future with me when he knw his intentions were not pure, when he knew he would leave me. Jane I really don't know what to do, how to handle this. Please help
Thank you for this Jane. This is just what I needed to read. Last month (Friday the 13th) I had a date with (who I thought and still think) an amazing man. Who thought I was equally amazing. He has a lot of issues (don't we all) - kids, money issues, head issues. But he was SOOO into me. We had four great dates...and then on New Years Day...he left. and texting fell off. he did tell me a week or so later that if it felt like he was pushing me away, it was because he has, not because of ME, but because he's going through major emo issues. However he followed up saying he still wanted to see me but he couldn't promise things were going to be like they were on NYD and before. We did have a lunch date (that was amazing) last week where we sat on the beach and he said that he still wanted to see me...but he can't be "affectionate" right now...but he wasn't "cheating" on me. Which I of course figured that he meant that he considered us to be in a type of monogamous relationship. but he again stopped texting except for once every few days.
Yesterday I texted to see how he was (yeah I know a bad idea). He sent me a formally worded text saying he was busy with work all week, and "thank you for thinking of me."
That was an epiphany. I still care about him, and want to see him again so much...but I realized the healthiest thing for me to do was what I did - I deleted his text thread, and took him out of my Contacts list so I would not be able to text him/contact him, should i wish to do so. the next step would be to block him on FB (we never became FB friends - I was waiting for him to suggest, but since I have his name I'm able to view his public page).
I don't want to date anyone else at this point, but I feel I should just to get him off my mind, because although the memory of how much he was into me is so strong, I think I know in my heart that he isn't into me anymore and that I need to move on and not wait for him, and that makes me so very sad...
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Karen. It sounds like you've come to this on your own, as you've found out the reality of where he stands. It's often when we put ourselves out there one last time, that we find out what's really there - and what isn't. It is sad, but be so proud of yourself that you're choosing you over him,that you're not going to take this personally, but simply a reality check of two people on different pages. It's hard to get there, but when you do, you find your freedom in knowing you're the one doing the choosing, and as sad as it is, as much as you wanted it to be different, you're choosing to accept this reality rather than keep hanging onto something that wasn't yours to change.
wow this is an awesome article and perspective. it's SO true! It doesn't matter WHY he didn't call. All that willl do is get you to warp and manipulate yourself more and more to try winning him over and getting him to call. The only thing that matters is that he DIDNT call, so you know he's not worth worrying about anymore, because you are looking for someone who DOES call!
Exactly, Sky; you're seeing this!
I have been married for 5 years and with him for 9. When him and i got together he had just come back from Iraq. We always had a connection. An attraction that caused big smiles on our faces. We had our daughter 3 yrs. ago. He was all into everything. From the diaper bag to the bottles and made sure we had extra just incase. He decided to go back to school and get his bachelors degree. It was going to be total of 3 yrs. Oh and I forgot to mention he is a police officer. So I decided to egg him on and support him thru this. When my daughter turned 2 we found out shortly after I was pregnant of my second child. 6 months into my pregnancy he was told that his health was at stake if he didn't change his life completely. So he did he quit school for a semester and went working from midnights to days. at this point he was focused on himself and wanted this change so bad that i backed him up. fast forward….so my son was born and he totally was not connected to him. he actually sort of in his own way blamed him for his changes. when my son turned 4 months my husband turned a leaf and fell in love with our son. i thought that that wasn't normal but i kept on. we would fight and argue and i would tell him we needed to get away and have some time alone. his excuses where we didn't have money or timer we just were going thru a rut and well will get out of it.so a yr has passed and i couldn't anymore. i finally grew a pair of balls and told him i wasn't happy with our relationship that we definitely were broken but we had to figure out how to fix us. drum roll please….. to get the response that he felt the same but different. that "i love u but I'm not in love with u " line just came out of his mouth. it was like throwing a buck of cold water on me. i asked him why didn't he tell me before y this y that and all the answers i was getting was that he didn't know. he didn't know what he wanted. its been 4 months and i finally asked him the other days what are we going to do. he said things looked liker hey were heading into a divorce. i told him that was to bag for me that i would life for him to be specific. are we getting divorced or do u need more time to figure out what u want. in these last 4 months i know he has been super lost. even the councilor told me that he truly didn't know what he wanted. i don't know what to do from here. i miss my friend my companion and my partner. I don't know if i like who he is right now but I'm not sure weather to give him more time or just move on completely. My heart hasn't given up but the light at the end of the tunnel is really dim. i don't know what to do. Im trying to just focus on my kids and myself but it's not enough to keep my mind off him. Please help me!!!
Hi Jane. Happy New Year to you and thanks for this page as it was great to hear from others. Right on with my tale.. I met this guy on the Internet last Apr 2013 and we went on a couple of dates,. To be totally honest I actually wasnt sure about him as I seemed to do all the talking and he appeared very shy, nearly boring if im honest so I didnt really think much of it but we remained in touch and would he text and he would phone me. anyway for a few months of not hearing from him he text'd to see how I was and my daughter. I thought that I should met up with him and see how it goes. To cut a long story short we went out for a coffee and then Dinner. When we were out for dinner I realisied that I really did like him and he struck me as the kind of guy that would never hurt me as he seemed to have all the values that I had. We text'ed over Christmas wishing each other a Happy Christmas and on new years eve I was at my families house and I sent him a lovely text wishing him a happy new year and that it has been great meeting him in 2013...I text him last Friday and asked would he like to met for a coffee and hours later he replied yes he would love to, what time?...I replied that I wasn't working that day so I could work around him and hours later he replied that he went for tea with his brother and his kids instead and would Sunday do as he had a golfing trip with him friends on Saturday. I replied that Sunday was fine and to have a great time with the lads... Sunday came and not a word, I got more and more disappointed as the hours passed because I didn't do anything with my day waiting to hear from him, anyway at 4.30 pm I text him a nice but blunt message basically saying that I was hurt that he didn't tell me today was a no show and manners cost nothing and to take of himself.... He replied at 10.30. saying' Apologies I ended up on a session with the lads and left my phone in my golf bag (don't believe that for a second as he has a 6 yr old who he adores and would want to have access to her if she called, plus it the kind of excuse you would give as a teenager), and that his understands my position!!... I replied that I was just disappointed and to just say the word and I would leave him alone.... Not a peep since.... This
guy also recently added a women who lives in his area to Facebook and since then things weren't the same... My gut is that he met this girl and that he didn't want to tell me so he just disappeared... If I am wrong, maybe he just is to embarrassed to contact me after leaving me hanging... I would normally be a level headed but this is wrecking my head, should I just forget about him.. Its almost a week and neither one of us has contacted each other.... please advise me..( I have deleted his number and unfriended him on Facebook as I found myself looking on his page nearly every day..Behaviour that I didnt like in myself... Is this deemed as immature to unfriend someone??
Angel, do whatever you need to do to move on - it isn't immature to unfriend someone. This is all about your well-being and peace of mind, don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
On the New Year day I met the guy in the residence pool. He mentioned he would like to eat smth. I did not pay attention. Then when I was about to leave he said I should call him when I come to the pool again. I said in 2 days I would go again and did nit exchange numbers. He was there waiting for me in 2 days. We swam and had fun together. Then he invited me over for a movie. He was a real gentleman. We felt very connected. The next day he called me and said he would like to meet again in the gym-pool and set a time. I called him only once to say I was on the way. He looked very strange and weird at the gym the whole time. At the end when I mentioned I felt some vibes, he agreed and said that he does not want to get attached and we should slow things down and just be friends for now. I agreed . He texted and kind of apologized and said that he was going through a lot and was a little depressed and needed time to collect his thoughts on his own ( the same things 🙂 ) He did not say that he was not over his ex , but I felt that as well, because he mentioned her several times, which is a sign for me that the person is not over. (so I wanne believe it was not an excuse, he really had a reason to ask for some time). As a friend I texted him, but he asked o take time off from everything. I know I might be clingy and too cuddly , but he was too. The whole thing went so fast that it almost scared me too. It felt like we were a boyfriend and a girlfriend for so long. But I guess it scared him more than me.
I gave myself and him 3 days. Worked on my mind and body , did some breathing exercises, reflexology exercises in water , joined the website, tried to follow the guidelines in Jane's book. But today I felt like texting to him again (I know...........) asking to have a talk. I want a very honest conversation, maybe I don't want him as a boyfriend now either, but I do want to hang out with him and spend time together. He was saying that over and over himself on the last date , that I should call him for him to show me how to work out (he is well trained). To my sms he answered that he was sleeping (It was midnight) to go to work in a few hours and suggested to meet in the library the next day to talk 🙂 I am so confused now again... he might be avoiding, as all the symptoms show 🙂 but at the same time maybe he is not, something deep inside tells me he feels the same way as I do ....I really would like to be there for him, give him that time and not lose myself and the connection we had. But then if this is a classic way of avoiding a girl shall I need to go to this meeting?????????Won't it distract me from the self-therapy that I am doing with the website? Or will it make me feel good . I wish I knew it all and the most important i wish I could practice it all.
The talk took place. He said very honestly that he is stressed , smth harsh happened to him and he can't share , as it is very personal. He mentioned that he really needs his space, but he still wants to meet up with me later and I should not presume things. Almost crying he asked me to relax and let him be for now until he contacted me himself. I showed I appreciated his honesty and I believe that this is an exception and he is not avoiding me with this excuse , he just needs that time. I almost felt bad for insisting that he admits he does not want to talk to me and it is ok. I got the peace. I feel better now.I appreciate him for trying to take care of his emotional health on his own not to get it on me. I do also trust he was honest and hopefully he will do better soon and contact me ....I will take care of my mind and my world meanwhile as well...The time will show.... I will keep you updated.
That's was matters most, Lily; your peace of mind, because this is always about you, no matter how much it seems like it's about him.
"I will take care of my mind and my world meanwhile as well...The time will show.... " - The very best thing you can do here; you've got this! 🙂
Thanks!
Someone worth your time won't go away easily. Even if you try to make them leave.
That is So true! You are absolutely correct Jackie.
So true, Jackie. "Even if you try to make them leave".
This was a good post and some very good experiences. Sometimes a date is just a date. Two people getting together to have a good time. Each experience involves two people and sometimes they have two different ideas of if there will be future time spent together or not. Many times it is easier to disappear than to make a person sad or (worse) try to convince you to carry on and create a relationship. A real relationship will happen naturally. It will feel right and not bring pain with it. After you are together there will be things to work through, but it should never start off that way. Longevity is what we are all looking for, not just a quick fix.
You summarized this beautifully, Carolyn; we can make it out to be so much more! Thanks for your adding your insight here. 🙂
Dear Jane,
Thank you so much for your post! I resonate with this and even after 3 weeks having meeting a guy that I met in a bar, I've still had him on my mind, bedazzled as to why he didn't get in touch when I thought we had a real connection and was happily surprised to have met someone who seemed very respectful, insightful and empathetic. I have a speech impediment and i'm in my early 20s, I've never really dated or had a relationship. I'm always very cautious of men in bar settings and although I've been courageous to express my feels to those i'm interested in, ive always been blessed that it didn't work out as i knew I wasn't being authentic to myself. He instantly conversed with me at the bar and we spoke about our degrees which were very similar and our interests. He reassured me on my speech when I had difficulty and shared his experience with me. He was actually living abroad for development work but came home for the holidays. I felt shy and unsure of how to respond, as It was very unexpected. He made a lot of eye contact and my cousin who was with me at the time, encouraged me to give him my phone number and , I did just that for the very first time! I said to him that it would be great to keep in touch and id love to share more experiences, he then gave me a kiss on the cheek. A part of me really wanted him to get in touch as I felt really comfortable with him, which is unusual for me. questions always popped into my mind as to whether he didn't save my number by accident, Maybe i was too shy and din't give him enough signals? or long distance would be difficult? etc etc etc. Your message is right indeed! I feel that I really pushed my comfort zone by giving him my number and I feel blessed to have met him as it has definitely reduced my fear to meet more guys. Also, it has taught me to not put so much attention/admiration and assumption on someones personality so much so for it to question my own sense of self, especially if had only met for a short period of time - for this guy it was 30 minutes. Thank you again for your words of wisdom!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Jamila. How beautiful that you're able to take the good out of this and feel blessed for what you learned and how this experience confirmed that you are a beautiful, confident woman with every reason to interact with someone that you choose to talk to or give him your phone number! And at the same time, to be able to take a step back and recognize that while you may not understand why you didn't hear from him again, you don't have to take it personally or second guess yourself or beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do or say.
I'm so glad you could the message that I was trying to get across here; that you didn't do anything wrong, that you can't do anything wrong - or be anything wrong! - for someone who is truly right for you. Thanks for sharing, Jamila; know that this isn't as much about experience as it is about loving yourself, respecting yourself and knowing that all you need to be is your true self for someone who is right for you, on the same page as you, and looking for exactly who you are and all you have to offer!
This actually happened to me for the first time ever this last yr. so after we hung out for the first time I had no doubt in my mind that id hear from him soon and that this was definitely was goin to turn into something more. 7 days went by and no word. I couldnt believe it. When I did hear from him he said he had lost his phone. Um, ok... But after that it was mostly me contacting him and most of the time he wouldnt txt back! I was devastated and knew I shouldn't txt him but it was so hard! I wanted to knw why he wasn't talkn to me. I saw him once a month for 3 months. Then he fell off the face of the earth. But I couldn't let him go. It sucked. A few more months went by w/lil to no contact and I was still so sad & tried to deal with the fact that we would never be together. Then something that I swear only happens in movies, happened. He was txtn me, we were hangin out more and Im happy to say, hes now my boyfriend! And to this day I still can't believe that what lookd like a lost cause for sure, ended up how I wanted. Goes to show, anything can happen!
Love your story, Danielle; thank you for sharing this with all of us! This is exactly how love can happen when someone gets there, when we give them the space to work on themselves, to sort out whatever they need to sort out for themselves. It was never about you, it was about him. And when someone truly wants to be with you, when they're ready, just as you found out, you're always the first to know, no matter what you do or don't do, no matter how you feel or don't feel, if it's meant to be, it will be!
Jane, do you think it's risky to let someone back into your life who just disappeared on you? I'm really happy it worked out for Danielle and I find myself in a similar situation to where he just dropped off the face of the earth. It's been about 6 weeks since I last heard from him and I'm still sad about it and hope to hear from him in the future...but then I think - even if I did hear from him again, should I even give another chance to someone who disrespected me by just vanishing? I'd be worried that if he's capable of doing that once then he could likely do it again...what do you think?
Trust yourself that you'll know what you want to do if and when that time comes, Gabby. Where you are right now with this, and how you feel about him is all about right now. Tomorrow is a new day, the next day another new day, and we don't know what place we'll be in until we get there. So don't overthink it right now in this place where you are, in the reality of today. You'll know what you want and what you don't want when you're presented with the opportunity to make that decision. You'll know. It will either feel right or it won't. You won't know the circumstances that will influence your decision until they happen. Go out and live your life, Gabby. That's where the love is, that's where the energy of life flows. It's not in the waiting or the hoping or the overthinking we do - all of us do this! - but it's in the living and creating of our own lives that we find that energy, that flow, that love we're looking for. If it's him, you'll know. If it's not, you'll know that too because it will become obvious that it's not when someone else shows up who is. Focus on you here, take the focus off him. This is about you.
I loved your story. did you have a chance to ask him why he was acting like that at the beginning? 🙂
Hi Jane,
Happy New Year to you! I can't begin to tell you how many times over the past few years of my dating experiences that I have come across this situation. And while it is frustrating and yes sometimes "hurtful", I look upon them as that next stepping stone into getting me closer to the one that I'm suppose to be with! In the meantime, my life is rich and blessed because of my loving family and the wealth of friends that I have....I know he is out there! He just hasn't met me yet.....
Much love....Melanie
Exactly, Melanie; these stepping stones are real, they enlighten us, they teach us, they grow us into places we would never see without them, and then, usually when we least expect it, there he is. Looking for us all along, until the true light of who we are shone brightly enough for him to see us, too. The real you, the real him, two people on the same page, ready for the same thing, ready for each other in a timing we could never have chosen on our own. What took you so long, he says? What took you so long, you say? And the rest, as they say, is history. It will feel like finally coming home. Happy New Year, Melanie, I'm with you 🙂
This JUST happened to me last week. After 3 very fun, getting to know each other dates - all communication stopped. Three days later I got a text explaining his reasons for going off the radar. Bottom line, through our discussions a couple things came to light for him that he knew he needed to work on because he felt like he was simply trying to fill an unhealthy void in his life. And through a casual comment I made in response to a question he asked, he realized for himself he had to take a serious look at his drinking habits. Both of these issues were a concern for me in terms of us being a fit for each other. It was refreshing to have someone own his issues without letting us get further down the road. I was sad because I had high hopes for us, if the drinking did not turn out to be an issue, but I know there was nothing I would have done differently and as you say Jane, apparently he just wasn't the right person for me. It is tempting to hope that down the road he will make an appearance again, but in the meantime - I will continue down my own path!
Be so proud of yourself for having such insight to recognize his issues as a red flag for you, and to not take his actions personally, Kim. That's huge to be able to step back and see logically that this isn't going to work for you, especially when we so want it to be what it could be! You can know for sure that if the two of you are meant to be together, he will work on his own issues himself, and you will be the first to know if he gets on the same page as you down the road. But as you say, this isn't about him, this is about continuing down your own beautiful path with so many other opportunities waiting for you, without you spending your time waiting on anyone else!
I had the experience of being in relationship where the guy has not called or should I say text me anymore. It has been a tough journey kind of a back and forth of emotions. I know I have to deal with the reason why I get so wrap up in these guys that I forget about myself in fact I know this is a problem for me that is why I did not date or have a boyfriend for a long time because I know that I can be this way, but what I find so frustrating about this cycle is that even through I have read your blogs and other blogs that are helpful it just seems like I don't know if I can break the cycle I feel trapped. I know in reality am not trapped, but it is just this feeling of despair and the anger that will not go away about how this guy who was supposed to be my boyfriend did this. I know that it was not about me, but how could he have not thought about my feelings and it should not be a surprise because he really didn't seem to think about my feelings in the relationships. I just feel like sometimes I don't know if I can make through this pain. I try to read inspiration books, and blogs, which as help me understand these situations better, but am still anger and I worry that the anger will never go away sorry I know this is kind not about the topic, but it really is just sad to me that people treat people like this. I guess am mad because they go on with their lives like nobody has been affected by their behavior.
I'm so glad you feel safe here to share these feelings, Sophia; because they're real, they're where you are right now, and that's exactly what this journey is about. Getting in touch with our deepest feelings, our deepest fears and emotions, no matter what they are. It sounds like at the root of your anger is a lot of "shoulds" and judgments, Sophia, about how someone else should or shouldn't be, about right and wrong, about some very cut and dry points of view. I say this with such love and compassion to you, but I say it because I used to be there, too, and it was only when I came to recognize what was going on that I was able to free myself from this cycle that had become my way of being.
I held so many beliefs about what other people should and shouldn't do, and how wrong it was for them to treat others the way they do - to treat me the way they did! - and all it did was hurt me, and make me depressed and hating myself. For me, that anger was turned inward, because I was never allowed to be angry, so I didn't know how to be angry, I just knew how to turn that anger inward so that I was depressed within myself. I turned that right and wrong judgmental thinking within myself as well and made myself right, and them wrong, and I found myself judging myself just as harshly as I was judging them without even realizing this was going on. I didn't realize yet that if I could only accept that this was who they were and these were their choices and it had nothing to do with me, and if I could only release them to be themselves, to release myself from all these judgements and just accept that people do the best they can with where they're at, we would all be released.
So for just a moment, Sophia, I'm wondering what it would be like for you if you could accept that you can't control anyone else or their behavior, that there is a huge gray area where people do what they do because they don't know any different, even if it hurts others and they "should" know better. But they don't. I'm wondering if you could find some peace, some lightness, in accepting that you don't have to take on anyone else's behaviors, that you can separate yourself emotionally from someone else's actions, from themselves, to see that we're all human. We all do what we do for our own reasons, and they are nothing personal, they are just where we are, and what we know to do. I want you to try to imagine that you don't what's best for you or for these guys in your past. That we're all on our own journeys, that we all come to learn life's truths in different ways and different times than when someone else thinks we "should" learn them.
When you can see them like this, when you can accept the reality - yours and theirs - that we all operate up to the light we have, can you see that this isn't about you or about them? That you don't have to take anyone else's stuff on you? That you can own yours, and you can give them back theirs? Can you see that the only one suffering here is you, Sophia? That you holding onto this anger and resentment only hurts you, no them? That it doesn't change anything or make you feel better, only worse? That you can't control them and what they do, you can only control yourself? They're not worth what you're allowing them to do to you! They're not worth this affect you're letting them have on you! Your life, your beautiful you, is worth so much more than this, but you have to see this and want it to be different. You have to be willing to give up your story, to give up being "right" about them, about you, about their treatment of you, about what they did. You have to be willing to let it go, to let them go, to release them to the universe or God or whatever you believe in, to live their own lives and learn their own lessons. You have to want to do this, you have to choose you over them, you over being right. It's when we come to a place of true acceptance of what is, without judgement, without our "shoulds" and "supposed tos". You can do this, Sophia. You are that strong. You are that powerful. You are such a sweet beautiful soul with so much to give, so much to offer, Sophia, and you deserve nothing less than to be free and to feel what that kind of freedom truly feels like!
Thank you, for your kind words Jane I just wish the pain would go away sooner than later, but I have printed out a copy of your response and will keep it near to remind me to take control of my own life so tried of other people leading me and my feelings.
In your own time, Sophia, one small step at a time. But be patient and loving with yourself throughout this process. It takes all of us - including myself! - longer than we'd like!
I dated long distance for a while and decided
To stick to my area. I met this guy online
and we hit it off well. We even lived in the
same area and I eventually found we
worked on the same side of town. He had
what seemed to be great qualities. We met
for lunch in our work area and things went
well. After he would text and say hello and I
would respond and he never followed back
with a response and then I never heard back
from him. This was just last November (our birth month)
and we are the same age and our birth dates
are 3 days apart. He was very handsome
and successful. I was disappointed that
he never followed up but I thank God for
the wisdom of me not being "thirsty" (new age term
for desperate) and
running after him. The bible says "HE" who
finds a wife finds a good thing. So I
believe "HE" will make every effort to find me.
Thank you so much ❤️
So true, Vanessa; when you recognize your true worth, and all that you are and all you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of you, "desperate" has no place in your life! It doesn't matter who he is or what he has - or how much potential you see! - when he's right for you, he will be on your same page, looking for exactly who you are and he will be looking for you every bit as much as you're looking for him!
well i met this guy 13/09/13 and we kept sending each other txts. we don't often call each other but we text n have FB chats. there was times where he was on Facebook and talked about things until he told me "i don't like making a date & time for our talks", so he came up with another way which was he would let me know by text what day & time he will talk to me. there was times he didn't come online n it left me wondering Why didn't come online? i txt'd him on the weekend n said "What happened to you last nite" sometimes he will say " sorry i've been out or i had a early night" he works mon - fri 10 - 12 hours a day as a window cleaner for businesses. On 31/12/13 he deleted me from facebook but my guts told me to re-friend him on FB which i did & i haven't txt'd him for a week. What should i do? I like him alot, some of my friends say he's not talking to me anymore n another 1 says he still wants to be friends n has my number. i want to see him n talk to him.
What should i do? Do i wait for him?
It's in that space you give someone that you find out where they stand, Courtney; if they come closer to you and fill that space by contacting you, then you know they're interested. But if they don't, and if this has been mostly about you taking the initiative with him, with only responses from him and no initiating on his part, then he's just not there. He's letting you know his terms, when he says he doesn't like making a date or time for talks, when he says he'll let you know when he'll talk to you, this sounds like a very one-sided relationship from here. If you're ok with that, if this is working for you, if he's worth it to you, then at least you know where things stand and what you've signed up for. But don't wait around for anyone, no matter who he is. Love is found in the living, in the living of a beautiful life you create for yourself, Courtney, not in the waiting for someone else. Focus on you, focus on all that you are, on all that you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of you, and the answers to your questions will start becoming so much clearer to you. You're the prize, Courtney!
thanks for that info Jane.sometimes he's sent me a txt saying don't wait on me, i thought what does he mean? & i tried to tell him i'm single, he's a shy guy & he said if you find somebody let us know and he said if you or me find somebody, don't be afraid to do it. there's been times i think i'm a pushy/clingy and i asked him if i was 1 and he said It's ok by txt. in Oct he kept postponing because of work reasons n it really ruined things. i'm too shy and scared to sort out another meeting for it. sometimes he doesn't respond to txts. 1 of my friends told me i'm too clingy but i feel i don't and i feel they are breaking my friendship with the guy and keep saying rumours about me n the guy.
🙂