Archives for 2013

Should I Maintain a Platonic Relationship With Him?

A beautiful brunette woman is laying on her couch looking at her phone upset with a text from a guy that just wants a platonic relationship Hi Jane,

I started dating a great guy in February and my feelings for him had grown and he said he felt the same. Recently, we finally accepted the fact that we weren't good for each other.

I've realized that I'm not ready for a relationship, but we both said we could be friends. Maybe I just miss the comfort of having him around and being to call him or text him whenever I wanted to. I don't see him as much and barely talk to him. He was really easy to talk to and I viewed us as friends before a crush or a partner.

He's the kind of person that I'd rather have in my life as a friend than not have at all.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing... He asked if I wanted to meet up last weekend, which I did. I didn't feel an emotional connection. There was a physical one, but I don't know if we should pursue that. I don't know if I should text him whenever or ask him to meet up whenever I want to.

Are there rules to how this works? I'm really confused...

Thanks,

Chanel

My Response:

No rules, Chanel, just what works for you, what you can live with, what your own terms are, and what you need. You'll know by his response what part of what you want works for both of you. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Keep it simple.

But hold your own beautiful heart in a special place so that it doesn't get broken believing that this could be more than it is. If it could be, it will be.

But in the process of being friends, or trying to remain friends after a break up, sometimes we can be confused into accepting an arrangement or someone else's terms that doesn't serve you well. So keep your head, don't get more involved in a friendship than is comfortable for you.

There are other men out there and it will be different than it was with him with someone else.

Maybe find some other ways to get your needs met that make it easier to have some space if it starts to feel complicated - you'll know what that means if you find that happening.

It takes time to move on, and it's very hard to move on from someone if they're still very much a part of your life. Only you know what that looks like for you, but give yourself some time and space if it feels like that might be what you need. Times change, seasons change, your outlook will change, too, as time goes by and you find yourself focusing more on yourself and what kind of a beautiful life you want to create for yourself.

An ending like this can be a new beginning, a time to explore possibilities you hadn't thought of before, and give you a fresh new start to your life. Take what resonates with you here, Chanel, and sit with the rest. In time, if you listen to your own heart and be true to yourself, you'll know what the next steps are.

One step at a time. You'll get there.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Chanel should do? Tell us about it in the comments!

We're All Human

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I was searching the internet for an electronic version of one of my favorite quotes by Sarah Ban Breathnach.

I clicked on this article from USA Today, and I have to say I was more than a bit surprised.

It was an article about this brilliant author that most of us came to identify with through her best-selling books of the 90’s, Simple Abundance, and my own personal favorite, Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self.

But it was not the story I was expecting - the story of an author who found amazing success writing about her beautiful philosophy of everyday abundance.

No, this was the story of what happened after the success. The story I did not know about. The one where she lost everything and found herself washed up on her sister’s couch with only her old cat and the clothes on her back.

Because, you see, my beautiful friend, although we’re always so quick to assume that everyone else has something that we don’t, that everyone else – and especially a successful author like Breachnach - has something that we lack and thus we can never have what they have, the truth is that there is always so much more to these stories.

And as we read here, this is about so much more than the outward loss.

“The problem wasn't money. It was her emotional baggage about love and pleasing others that she attached to money, dating back to childhood.”

It was the shame.

“The worst was the shame. Here she was, a best-selling self-help expert, swamped by bills she couldn't bring herself to open, much less pay, whose creditors were threatening to call Oprah and expose her.”

Even though she was a hugely successful writer, she still fell prey to the same emotional traps that plague nearly all of us. She still fell into the same pitfalls on the journey to love, the journey to finding herself, that we all fall into at one time or another.

We're all human.

Do you see a pattern here? It doesn’t matter what you achieve on the outside. It doesn’t matter what kind of name you make for yourself or what level of success you achieve for yourself in the eyes of the world. It doesn’t matter how much money or love you find.

If you don’t believe in yourself, if you don’t give yourself permission to live the life you were meant to live, if you don’t shed that old emotional story of having to please others and believing you have to do something or be something in order to be loved, then nothing is going to change. At least not for long.

Regardless of who you are.

So take them all down off of those pedestals you so easily put them on. Every single one of them, and especially the ones who you especially admire and look up to because they seem to have everything that you don’t.

They don’t.

They don’t deserve to be loved more than you.

They don’t deserve to be happy more than you.

They aren’t anything more than you are.

They don’t have anything you don’t.

They aren’t any “luckier” than you.

They're just like you.

You see, it’s always easier to live with ourselves when we can credit someone else and discredit ourselves. It’s easier because then we don’t have to do anything different. We can stay stuck, we can stay right where we are, believing that there’s nothing we can do to change our lives because we just don’t have what they do. It's something external.

It’s time to change that way of thinking, my beautiful friend.

It’s time to recognize all that you truly are! It’s time to believe in your own potential, in your own possibilities, and give yourself permission to live the life that you were meant to live.

Because living for someone else – or everyone else – is no way to live.

Because trying to please someone – or everyone – is an impossible standard that was never yours to live up to.

Because feeling ashamed – of anything! – is never what any one of us deserve, regardless of what we think we’ve done.

It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’ve been, or what your story is. You, that beautiful woman who has so much to offer, and nothing to prove, have everything you need to be all that you are, to create the life you were made for, to make your dreams come true.

It all starts with believing this, it continues with a plan, it happens when you start somewhere and keep moving. One step, one new way of seeing yourself, one belief in yourself at a time.

Start Where You Are

12 Comments

I get it. I understand completely. The problem is that while it's very simple to understand, it's not as simple to achieve. I know because it was so difficult for me too - in fact it still is. But it's quite possibly the most important thing you can do to allow the kind of love that you really want into your life.

So for today, we’re going to put aside all the bigger pictures and we’re just going to focus on this one very special thing:

Accepting who you are.

You see, you have to start somewhere on this journey, and the very first step along the way is accepting that beautiful woman you are.

With all those things you wish were different. With all those things you call your flaws and you’d give anything to change. I want them all.

Embrace those things.

I want you to embrace each and every one of them.

I want you to write them down, right now. Go and get a pen and some paper, and write down each and every one of those things about yourself that you feel like you would change if you could.

Now I want you to celebrate those things in the biggest way you possibly can.

If you wrote down needy, then be needy! I want to see your neediness from here. Say out loud what you need, write it down big and bold.

The same with your fears. If you’re afraid, write them down. Big and bold.

Say them as you write them, make them as large as you can. Draw pictures if you’re more visual, of what they look like. Make them all as big as you can. Do this with every part of you that makes you you. We’re going to get everything out in the open so that there’s nothing to hide.

Don’t stop until you’re done getting it all out.

All those things you loathe about yourself and wish you could change. And there, my beautiful friend, you have a picture of the very worst things you think about yourself, the person you believe you are right now.

It’s going to change. But first you have to see these things in the light of how big they really are and how OK it is to be you. Love these parts of you. Tell yourself the story of why these are for loving.

Like neediness. If you’re needy, good, because it means you know what you need and you know how badly you need it! It means you have the ability to be truly attached to another person.

If you’re fearful of something, then great, you’re in touch with what you’re afraid of! Accept yourself, my beautiful friend; accept each and every one of these things in the biggest way you can.

No more hiding, no more pretending.

If you can love yourself -all of you – including this, so will someone else. But you have to be the first.

It has to come from you.

Because you are going to soon see that you are so much more than just these things. They don’t define you. But in order to see that for yourself, in order to get to the next step, we all have to start with where we’re at.

We Reconnected After 20 Years And Then He Disappeared!

39 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Tracey, sent in the following story about a man she reconnected with after 20 years who then pulled the disappearing act! She allowed me to share the story with all of you so that we can all learn from this all too common experience.

Her letter:

Hi Jane, I'm one of your followers from the UK, and i need your help.

I fell for the trap of somebody returning to my life after 20 years !!!

I was madly in love with him back then, but our relationship ended and he went onto marry somebody else. He separated at the end of last year, and in the January of this year he found me on facebook (ahh facebook, bringing people together).

We chatted non stop on facebook and by phone for 6 weeks for hours at a time.

It was like time had stood still.

Where had 20 years gone? Anyway, long story short, it was a long distance thing, but we did meet up for a weekend initially in February. It was great.

After that weekend we carried on chatting, although less frequently, and met again in July for a weekend. I met some of his friends, but then I started to realize that there were red flags popping up.

There was a woman - married, still with her husband I might add with a young child who was very obviously making a play for him. He did mention her, but said she was just a good friend, and he didn't think of her in that way!!!

She also called in to see him whilst I was visiting. We all sat and chatted for a while and then she left. She was always popping up on his FB page and then started leaving little cryptic messages and photos she had taken with him in them.

A few days after my July visit he sent me a message saying that he didn't like me discussing him/us with mutual friends - red flag again.

He was quite harsh actually. Why did he not want people to know about us?

Well, I guess he was keeping his options open, and probably didn't want this other woman to know anything was going on so she could carry on stroking his ego. I truly believe that they are having some kind of relationship. Call it a gut feeling if you like.

He must be a fool to have a relationship with somebody right on his doorstep especially as she is married with a child. He has 2 young children by the way, and shares custody with his ex.

Anyway after the harsh message about keeping things a secret, I didn't hear anything for about 3 days and then it was just a brief message to say he was going on holiday with the children for a few days. After that as I didn't hear from him.

So after 3 weeks of silence I deleted him and her from FB, I guess so I couldn't "stalk" their profiles. Did I do the right thing or was that the wrong thing to do?

I guess I did it for my own sanity really. We were intimate during my 2 visits, so I suppose what hurts more than anything is that I feel so used, yes and stupid for falling for him again. You'd think I'd know better at nearly 50 years old.

He left me with a broken heart 20 odd years ago, and I never really got over that. I suppose I thought things would be different this time around, but looking back I guess some people don't change.

Oh Jane, how do I move on from this?

I realize now that I bought into the fantasy of what it could have been rather than the reality of what it actually was. How could he hurt me and cast me aside so easily? I guess I was just an ego stroke, and somebody that he knew held him in high esteem. More fool me!!!

Why couldn't he just man up and say he didn't want me rather than just disappear?

It's so cowardly and disrespectful that a grown man could act this way to another person especially when he was the one who pursued me so vigorously in the beginning.

I guess I wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, maybe I was just plain boring, who knows.

All I do know with certainty is I am heartbroken once again, by somebody who didn't treat me with care and respect. Any words of wisdom Jane would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and all the best from across the "Pond".

– Tracey

My Response:

Dear Tracey,

First of all, know that this wasn't about you at all, my beautiful friend. You didn't do anything wrong.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You weren't not enough of anything.

It is everything you say, you get all this, you understand exactly what happened when you think of it from a practical view.

He wasn't there, he never was, and yes, he took complete advantage of you.

And I know, it hurts, you feel so many emotions because it's so hard not to think of it emotionally and beat yourself up here, but don't.

You did what any believing, fantasizing, loving, caring, woman might have done - you got caught up in the romantic fantasy, the romantic ideal we all share to some extent, of what now, after so many years, might be! Don't take any of this personally, he's caught up in a game that you don't want any part of, and now you know.

So stop first and foremost with being so hard on yourself, Tracey. It doesn't matter how old you are, you're human. Give yourself a break.

Accept that this is what happened and whether or not it should have or not, whether he shouldn't have been able to treat you like this, whether he should have been a better human being than this, what happened happened.

Get it all out.

Write a letter to him, but don't send it.

Tell him everything you want to say, but don't do anything with it except use it to get your thoughts and feelings out because men like this don't care. As much as we want them to, they don't and that's why they can do this.

Forgive him, forgive yourself.

Accept he is who he is and you are who you are and be so glad you didn't get involved with him years ago and end up married to him living like this for more than a short season!

Laugh about if you can get there, and be so glad you have your own life and not his. Can you laugh at how crazy it is that he would think that he can behave like he did and have you not see right through it?

Separate as much as you can from this whole thing. You did the best with what you knew at the time, and now you know what he's really like, and you can accept the reality and put this all behind you. You've been saved from anything more!

I know the intimacy is tough to let go of, but know that even there, it was more of a fantasy than reality and there's no reason to be hard on yourself.

And then when you're ready, be done with him.

Tear up what you wrote to him, realize he is not worth wasting one more second of your beautiful time and energy on, and then forgive yourself and him again anytime you're tempted to go there and think about him again.

Celebrate your humanness, your ability to believe in love and that romantic believer you are. Those are beautiful qualities, Tracey, when you're with the right guy.

It's crazy what a guy can do.

I've found it especially healing to write whenever an old memory came up that made me doubt myself or be hard on myself - you may find this helpful, too.

But most of all, since what keeps us stuck is usually our own beating ourselves up and being so hard on ourselves, the more you can do to reinforce all the beautiful qualities about yourself and what you know to be true, by spending time doing the things you love to do, are passionate about doing and make you feel good about yourself, the easier it will be to move on for you.

Can you take a vacation? Can you give yourself a change of scenery by redecorating or creating something new? Can you follow a new dream, a new idea, a new project, a new cause - something like that?

Because it's when you focus on you, when you focus on what you do well and what makes you feel good about yourself, you'll find him fading into the background.

I hope this helps a little. It'll get easier in time.

Infuse as much humor as you can into your life, Tracey, as I find this to be such a cure-all with some of the experiences I've been through, once you can get to that. But in general, be so gentle on yourself and your heart.

It's OK. All of it. We do the best with what we know at the time. At any age!

Lots of love to you,

Jane

What do you think? Any other advice for our beautiful, kind-hearted friend Tracey on how to move on? Tell us about it in the comments!

Why Not You?

14 Comments

A beautiful woman runs through a sunlit field with her arms outstretched, believing in love — Love is for everyone, including you!

I know we all have our reasons.

We all have our deeply ingrained stories about our lives and our loves that we've been programmed with since before we could even talk.

Stories we've been told, and have been re-telling ourselves for so long that they’re now simply a part of our subconscious belief system.

Embedded in our psyches.

And these stories keep us stuck.

It's what keeps us attracting men who are below that level. It's what keeps us attracted to men below that level.

It's what keeps us thinking things like "He's out of my league" and "I'm not good enough for a guy like him." All because we don’t believe we’re worth more than this.

So when we’re out and about, who is it we find ourselves attracted to? We don’t even notice the ones who would never dream of treating us the way we’re allowing ourselves to be treated. We don’t even see him among the crowd and we never give him the opportunity to see us because we’re operating at that level of belief that we are only worth so much.

And nothing more.Continue Reading

Drop The Rules

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Do this. Do that.

Don’t do this. Don’t do that.

No wonder you’re exhausted and ready to give up, my beautiful friend.

Trying to figure out how to find love is exhausting when you’re doing it like this!

But what if he might have called but I accidentally turned my phone off for just a minute and even though the cell phone company said a text or missed call should still be on there, there was still a 0.1 percent chance it wouldn't show up - so should I call him just in case? Or would I sound too desperate if he hadn't called but was planning to call and now do you think he won’t call – even though he was going to – because I called him?

My sweet friend, I more than understand what’s going on here.

You want him to call.

You want him to like you enough to call you and ask you out again. You want to have made a good enough first impression so that he’ll want to get to know you better. You want to have a chance to see where things might lead because he seems to be everything you’re looking for. So you don’t want to do anything to mess this up. You want to have a second chance to make an even better impression.

So what do you do?

Well, if you're like most of us, you confer with all of your girlfriends and they all collaborate on the answers with you. Do this, don’t do this. More rules.

You check in with your mom – she tells you what she thinks you should do, or shouldn't do.

You check in with your guy friends. Don’t do that!

You read through all the advice on the entire internet and find that everyone out there has a different opinion on what you should or shouldn't do. What you should or shouldn't be like.

No wonder you are so sick and tired of being single! This is no way to live!

The reality is that regardless of whose advice you follow or what well-meaning friend or family member you decide to listen to, what’s missing here in all of this is that person you know better than anyone else: you!

And somewhere along the way, she got lost in all of this and hasn't yet found her way back.

Because with everyone else’s voices coming through so loud, hers is barely audible anymore. And considering the ways she’s seemed to have led you down the wrong road in the past, you’re really not sure if you can trust her anymore.

Follow your heart? That’s all you've been doing lately and that hasn't worked out.

Let your mind guide you? Yeah, but that only leads you to the guy who looks great on paper but not anywhere else.

Just relax and see what shows up? Yeah, right, and what do you do when Mr. From Another Planet keeps showing up and no one else?

I get it.

Believe me, I do.

Not so very long ago I went through exactly this process, accumulating more than my fair share of good and not so good advice on what exactly to do.

But you know what I found out? None of it worked.

That’s right. None of it.

Because it had to come from me. When I was ready – really ready. The kind of ready when you come to the place that you realize in no uncertain terms that the way you are living isn't any way to live and you’re ready to hear the truth.

Yes, that kind of ready.

Because, doing and being what someone else thinks you should do or be isn't sustainable.

You can do all those tricks, try all those things, but if they’re not coming from that authentic place of who you really are, nothing’s going to work. Nothing. Because you can only play a part – or someone else’s part - for so long. At some point the real you is going to come out, and if that's not the woman he fell for than it's not going to work.

So drop the rules, drop the trying to be perfect, drop the trying to be someone you’re not.

Whatever you are is beautiful. Because that’s who you are.

If you don’t like who you are, ask yourself why. We all have things we’d like to change about ourselves, but it’s one thing to want to work on becoming a better person in certain areas and a whole other thing to loathe ourselves when all we need to do is change our scenery so we can see ourselves – and all there is to love – in a whole new light.

The kind of scenery that involves removing the influences that bring us down and make us feel like there’s something wrong with us, and replacing them with people who love us for who we are and see all the beauty in us even if we can’t see it yet.

Do you see the difference?

You, my beautiful friend. This is about you being your true, authentic self.

No tricks, no rules, no agenda. Just you.

Beautiful, confident, radiant you. Nothing else matters.

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Should I Maintain a Platonic Relationship With Him?

My Response:

We're All Human

We're all human.

Start Where You Are

Accepting who you are.

Embrace those things.

Don’t stop until you’re done getting it all out.

It has to come from you.

We Reconnected After 20 Years And Then He Disappeared!

Her letter:

My Response:

There's nothing wrong with you.

Get it all out.

It's crazy what a guy can do.

Why Not You?

Drop The Rules

You want him to call.

I get it.

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