This will be the thirteenth holiday season that my husband and I have been together, and you would think that after thirteen years of having someone to celebrate Christmas with, I would have forgotten all about how lonely this time of year used to be for me.
You'd think.
But the truth is that just about every Christmas song I hear triggers an emotional response in me that brings me right back to that old familiar feeling that I remember all too well.
Those feelings of hope, of a dream, of loneliness, of despair, of regrets and second guessing – all those feelings come back with the sound of a simple old familiar tune.
I never wanted to celebrate the holidays single.
My married and attached friends seemed to have it all during this time of the year especially. There would be holiday parties for couples, kisses and hugs exchanged under mistletoe, children to open presents with, someone to snuggle up next to after a dinner party – the whole package that I longed to have for myself as well.
But when I look back on those holidays that I was alone vs. the holidays that I had someone to spend them with, I realize something really important. That it is so much better to be alone at Christmas than with someone who makes you feel even more lonely.
I just wanted a commitment.
I remember that excitement I felt, in anticipation of the gift I had been hoping for. It was Christmas, that magical time of the year, so it seemed only fitting that I would get my hopes up that there might be a special gift for me, a ring, or some other symbolic gift that showed a commitment was coming.
The commitment that I wanted so badly.
The commitment that I had been waiting so patiently for.
Hopes dashed.
Instead, I'll never forget my disappointment when one of the gifts I opened in hopeful anticipation was none other than a set of books on dream interpretation.
Yes, I had been having crazy dreams since dating this guy, a sign that a healthier version of myself would have recognized as a clear sign that something was definitely not right about this relationship. This was also from the same guy whose head somehow was cut off in every single picture taken that Christmas – another sign I probably should have noticed and heeded.
And then there was the year I felt for sure I had finally found the one, only to notice shortly before the holidays that he suddenly seemed more emotionally distant. When the romantic surprise his sister had told me he was planning for Christmas turned out instead to be an autographed shirt from my favorite sports team, I knew once again that my hopes of getting the commitment I wanted were not going to be realized.
There were so many other Christmases when I was so excited to have someone to spend the holidays with, only to get such beautiful gifts of fancy clothes, jewelry, perfume, chocolates and yes, even more books. Everything except what I was really looking for – the ring signifying the real committed relationship I was looking for.
If I had just been able to see clearly, without the longing and the expectations and dream of what could have been, but wasn't, I would have been able to see what I see so clearly now.
That if I could just have enjoyed each moment of the holidays with my family, with my friends, with the sweet children in my life with so much excitement and innocence in their eyes, and with the opportunities all around me to find so many meaningful ways to celebrate the holidays, it could have been so different.
I could have been so different.
Because when you're with the wrong person who just won't commit, when you're just with someone because you don't want to be alone at Christmas, when you're with someone hoping it becomes all that you want it to be only to find out that it's really not, that's a feeling of being alone that is so much worse than actually being alone.
Because if you're with someone, and you know in your heart of hearts it's not meant to be like this, it makes you question yourself, and wonder what's wrong with you!
There's nothing wrong with you.
But the truth is there's nothing wrong with you – you're just with someone who's not right for you! And that's why it feels so lonely, that's why spending the holidays with him isn't everything you so hoped it would be.
And that's why if you are actually single this Christmas, you can know for certain that it is far better to be alone, than to feel alone with someone.
Because when you're with the right person for you you'll know because you will never feel alone.
How are you feeling about your love life during the holidays this year? Tell us about it in the comments so we can all support each other!
Thank you! Jane wishing you and your family a Happy New year
Thank you, Sophia. And I wish you the most beautiful New Year with the gift it gives of a fresh start and the promise of so many wonderful things in store for you!
Hi Everyone,
I hope that all you had a Merry Christmas! I felted a little down for Christmas, but I tried to enjoyed the time with my mom and appreciated the time we had together. My boyfriend disappeared on me two months ago with no more communication from him. I been going through sadness, anger, pain, and happiness at different stages, but you know what even if we were together we wouldn't have spent Christmas together and the sad part is that now I look back on this relationship we have not spent one holiday together. I made excuses for it because of his different baby mamas, that he had no parents, that other people treated him bad, and that his why things where the way they where. I have to stop blaming myself and find my own journey it can be painful, but working on myself I want and hope to have better choices in men. I felt lonely and I was supposed to be in a relationship as Jane stated there is nothing like being with someone and feeling alone. We have to learn to focus on ourselves for our happiness and when the time comes the right person will come a long to add to our happiness not take away from it.
It can be such an eye-opener when we can see the reality of what we really had with someone - and what we didn't and only thought we did - like you've seen here, Sophia. Be so proud of yourself for being able to see this! It's when we can get past the excuses we make and see reality like this, it makes it easier to let go and move on with our lives. Happy Holidays, my sweet friend; there's so much more to come!
Adrienne, I feel your pain because I was there once myself. The first thing I want to say is let go of believing that this man was everything to you. Know and believe that if he truly was, he would not have disappeared. Believe in yourself instead. Reach deep inside and find that love for you. Talk to yourself until your mind starts affirming the truth, that you are strong and beautiful and the man who walked away was not "the one". This happened to free your heart and soul for the one who is searching for you. And until he finds you, work hard on loving Adrienne. I mean work really hard. You will be amazed at the joy you will feel when you reach that goal. And the confidence you will show will blow men away as you walk past. Hold your head high and knock them off their feet, girl. And remember, many of our blessings come in disguise. Be strong and be faithful to Y-O-U.
So beautifully said, Brenda; thank you for stepping in with your loving support and advice for another beautiful friend who's going through this heartbreak right now. Merry Christmas to you!
Merry Christmas! Jane! am I the only one that doesn't have something positive to say? I feel like the odd girl out. After years of lot oking, I found my perfect guy about 6 months ago. I signed up for online dating, having not had a date for several years, and on my first online date, met the man of my dreams. we were together for 6 wonderful months, but he ended it in November. He really didn't have a reasons but end it, he did. I have spent a month in my apartment crying my eyes out, day and night,mi din 't answer the phone and don't want to speak to anyone. I am heartbroken and depressed in a way I never imagined could be so bad.this man was everything to me. Can any of you women help me? I am in desperate trouble emotionally, I can't handle what happened to me and I am falling
apart. adrienne
Adrienne .. It is hard to believe but I cried for months inside! And how many times i went back to the
Same ex boyfriend.. Heartbreak after heartbreak. You are not odd. We all have our past and personal issues.
Let me tell you it is not worth it to dwell about him and why it did not work out!
I can not give you good advice but I can tell you this, it will take baby steps!
But you are going to feel better at the end!
I know when I was at the bottom, but now I am way up high .
If i can do it, you can too! I hope Jane inspires you like she did me...
Thank you for offering your loving support here, Maris. When you've been there, sometimes just that reassurance from someone who's been there, that you will get through, can mean so much when we're in those moments where we can't yet see it for ourselves. Merry Christmas to you!
Don't let him do this to you, Adrienne. Don't let him leave you treating your beautiful self like this for one more moment. You're a gift to someone who will see that, Adrienne. It wasn't him. He wasn't there. He wasn't the one, as much as you felt like he was. It's time to take him down off that pedestal for whatever reasons you put him up there. He's on the same level as you. He's human. He might have thought he was ready for what you were, he may have tried to be, he may have thought he could do it, but for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with you, he couldn't do it any longer. But this is your story.
Take all those beautiful dreams and plans you had for you and him, take them all back for yourself and someone who's there, someone who'll be on your page, who'll be capable of giving you what you so deserve - you're not asking for too much! You can handle this, as much as it doesn't feel that way now. You can do this. It's baby steps, Adrienne. Holidays can be the hardest time to believe in yourself and to believe you can do this, but I know you can. You're so much more than a victim here. You have so much more to offer someone who is truly right for you. We're all here for you; we've all been through this to some degree or another, most of us understand exactly what it's like to feel like you do.
Put one foot in front of the other, Adrienne, and ask yourself what you need right now. This isn't the time to be hard on yourself, but to be so gentle and loving to your soft, beautiful heart that feels like it's been broken in two. What can you give to yourself? How can you treat this beautiful woman known as you in a way that loves and respects and honors her, and puts her back on the equal footing where she deserves to stand? How can you give her power back?
Don't let anyone do this to you; Adrienne, you're worth so, so much more than this, and in a little while, you'll see clearly why this, too, is a gift. No matter how much you don't believe this right now, you could never, ever be happy with someone who isn't there on that same page as you! And a very special Merry Christmas to you, Adrienne, from my heart to yours.
Merry Christmas to all! My family and I always have a great Christmas together. I have only experienced loneliness when I was in a relationship with the wrong person. I don't want to ever do that again. I am alone, but not lonely by any means. LOL Have a wonderful holiday.
Love how you've figured this out, Carolyn; yes, you might be alone, but it doesn't sound like there's any part of loneliness in your beautifully blessed life. Merry Christmas to you and to your beautiful family!
Hi Jane,
Let me tell you that the article is great!
And it is nice to read your experience..
I was in a relationship back ago around 2010 , feeling
Les miserable myself. And thinking what I could become or do
To not feel that miserable. Is this the way I am supposed to feel
Every holiday! I was in a relationship on and off. I broke up the relationship and felt
Also worse. It was a rollacoaster!
I remember feeling so bad and that s when i found your website in
2011! I started to read it and discover more about life and my identity.
Now after dealing with my ex ( baggage what was hanging on to my ass)
and the thing called "love" i can finally say
My wish ( to feel truly happy in my heart and peace) after 2 years has
Come true. I can not explain this peaceful feeling and the feeling of wanting to
Play and enjoy!
I did not even felt so good when i was in a relationship !
I even feel excited for christmas and new year..
My heart has opened more, i feel more "me". I feel more that I want to meet guys.
Thank you Jane and here it is Christmas , Merry Christmas! Bless you..
Maris! You have no idea how beautiful it is to read your words, to hear how far you've come - to a place that you couldn't have imagined at the time! - and how I celebrate with you, my beautiful friend. For I know what it means to be able to say what you're saying here, and mean it in a genuine way, when you've traveled from such a different place in your life.
I am so blessed - so honored, Maris! - to have been a part of your journey, to have you somehow find your way here at your low point and be able to find that support and encouragement and inspiration through my own similar experiences and the experiences of others who know all too well what we're talking about here. To know you're not alone, to know that someone cares, to know there is most assuredly a beautiful light at the end of that dark tunnel that will even surprise you! Those are gifts that cannot be explained until you've been there, until you've been through what you have and have discovered for yourself just how strong you really are, just how much of your life is awaiting you, and just how it is possible to feel like you've described here even in the midst of your deepest heartbreak.
You've discovered nothing less than my wish for every single one of us; that we would all discover what you can only discover by letting go, by refusing to be weighted down by all the things we think are so important and mean so much, and to come into our own light, into our own place where we discover a love for ourselves and a passion and an energy for our life that radiates the most beautiful light of our true selves. This is how it happens. This is how love comes into our lives in ways we never would have otherwise been ready for.
Merry Christmas, Maris; you've given me such a special gift here. Thank you!
Perfect!! This is will be the first Christmas that I have ever spent alone in my 47yrs on this earth. I am determined to be HAPPY & FABULOUS!!!
And you will be HAPPY & FABULOUS, BRD; because that's exactly what you already are!
Have a wonderful time celebrating you and discovering the beauty of choosing what you want to do, with who you want to be with, and knowing that you are the one who gets to choose this beautiful life of yours! That we will all come to see the freedom and beauty in seeing this reality for ourselves is my Christmas wish for all of us!
Jane,
Thank you for your continued words of wisdom that are all so ever true! This year for me is about my family....we are all going to be together and I'm so blessed for that. I am single and although yes it can be a lonely time, I would so much rather have it this way then to be "lonely" with someone! I've certainly been there...
All the best to you and your family this holiday season! And congratulations to you and your husband for 13 years!
Melanie
Thank you, Melanie. 🙂 Enjoy your time with your family experiencing the pure joy of being your beautiful self surrounded by their love. You are indeed blessed to have your family all together to celebrate the holidays together!
Jane- Your articles are amazing! So spot on! That was me last Christmas.
I am currently single and holding out for Mr. Right. Just celebrated my 30th
birthday.. so the single part does put me in the minority... but I am hopeful!
I've dated a lot of different people and have learned so much, but I am ready
for the total package- I hope he's out there! Happy Holidays!
Thanks, Teresa; I'm so glad these are resonating with you! Happy Birthday and Happy Holidays to you, too, and welcome to the most wonderful time of your life turning 30. You have more reasons than you even realize to be hopeful - there is so much more to come, including that special person who is out there waiting for you, looking for that beautiful light of you, the essence of you! 🙂
Hello Jane,
I just recently joined your site and it has helped me so much with what I have read. I am 49 years old. Divorced and left with five kids. That was 15 years ago with only one serious relationship that was back in 2001. And the reason he wanted to break up was because he said he couldn't function with my family size. There is more to that story but won't go into it now.
At the beggining of this year I met up with an old boyfriend from Jr High. We hit it off imediately. Im telling you I hadn't connected with a man like that ever! Well, as things progressed, he pulled away and I became clingy. He is also a workaholic and is a very devoted father. And of course it hurt me that he would always find time for other things but not me. But then would tell me he could never get me out of his head etc........but never wanted to do anything about it. I have finally let him go. I will not allow my bad feelings to screw up my holidays with family. I know that I cant fix him but want to know what to do when I get that urge to connect when feeling alone or he pops up in my mind. Merry Christmas!
I so hear you, Sheila. When we think of someone who we just can't get out of our heads because there is so much potential there - and especially when he even admits to feeling the same way - it is so hard to just move one. But since we only hurt our own beautiful selves when we hold on - and hang on - and become the only ones in a relationship meant for two, the best thing to do is always to fill up your own cup, focus on your own life, and take the emotional "could be", "should be", and "if onlys" out of the picture whenever you find yourself in those missing him moments. We have to stay with reality, not the fantasy of what we so want it to be and know it "could be", "if only" he could see it, too. He isn't doing anything about it. He's not there. He's not on the same page as you or he would be doing something about it.
Stay in your head, Sheila, don't go there to that beautiful romantic emotional side that believes that love conquers all. It doesn't. A real relationship always requires two people on the same page who both want the same thing who are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
This isn't about you. This is about him. He isn't able to give you what you're looking for - and no, you're not asking for too much! Stay there, stay with the reality of what is, and get busy treating yourself like the beautiful prize you are. This is your time, Sheila. Treat yourself the way you so deserve to be loved!