Remember back in High School in Phys Ed class where you would stand in line while two of the most popular girls – the captains - picked who would be on their teams?
Pick me, pick me – most of us called out, silently if not out loud.
And then one by one every girl would be picked until the very end when they would divvy up the best of the worst and begrudgingly allow them to be on their teams.
Sound familiar?
If you were like I was then you were one of the last picked, one of the ones who no one really wanted, but at the end would finally be allowed on.
And even if you weren't the last to be picked, you knew that you never wanted to be and always made sure you were good enough to ensure yourself a spot among those who were picked early on or at least somewhere in the un-noticeable middle area. Either way, the culture of hoping to be chosen all too early on became a huge part of all our reality, even if we didn't call it that.
Not much has changed.
We may not be in high school anymore, but the concept and the culture is still very much the same. Pick me, pick me, we say – usually it’s our silent cry now, but it’s still very much a part of our psyche.
And so it’s no wonder with this memory still fresh in the back of our minds, we still believe we have to be chosen by someone outside of ourselves to be truly accepted in this life.
And that’s why this matters so much.
That’s why we try so hard as if our very life depended on it; because for most of us, it really feels like it does.
And that’s why we take it so personally – because back then, as insecure children, it was that personal. Our classmates were our peers and they were our world for the greater part of our waking hours every single day.
So what they thought of us, and how they treated us, were everything to our growing sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We didn't have the maturity or confidence to know that what they said or did or thought of us didn't matter – that in reality they weren't any better than us even though it felt that way because what we were in was a popularity contest.
We didn't know then that there was a life outside of that culture because that was all we knew and it was all we had.
So it’s of little wonder we've transferred this same culture to our work, to our social life and most of all to ourselves. It’s never left us – it’s such an ingrained part of every single one of us.
Until we can see it for what it really is - a part of our culture and not a part of ourselves unless we choose to make it this way.
We may not have been able to choose a different way or to separate ourselves from the culture when we were children or before we knew any better. But once we know, we are the ones who can take back our own power by deciding whether this is still working for us. We can decide if this type of mindset serves our beautiful selves well, and we can choose what we want to do with it, regardless of how ingrained it is.
This isn't high school anymore.
You’re the one doing the choosing here, Beautiful. You’re the one who decides whether or not he’s worth your beautiful you based on the reality of who he is and what he has to offer you and not on some potential that only you can see.
Your worth isn't dependent on whether or not someone chooses to be with you or not. You’re the one who’s in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
We change the old mindset when we expose the old lies that have us believing that we’re only something if someone is choosing us by remembering this …
A woman who knows her own worth doesn't need to chase after anyone.
A woman who knows her value doesn't need to make anyone want to be with her.
A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.
A woman who understands that she’s the one doing the choosing never has to convince someone of all the reasons he would want to be with her.
And she knows all this to be true.
We might not be able to change our culture, but we can change ourselves and how much we allow our culture to be a part of our lives.
You always were, and continue to be, far more powerful than you even know!
As I get closer to my thirties, people, especially my family start to preach me about not being picky, to be ''flexible'' so that men won't run away. Stop being a feminist (this is what you have been called when you want an equal relationship), and accept that all of the men are unhealthy at some level and you just have to learn to live with it. The men I meet also fit perfectly for their description. So that I am not dating anyone for a long time. Because I really tried to change myself to be ''chosen'' in the past as people around me suggested me to do. It doesn't work either and I find being single is at least peaceful.
I also want to have someone special in my life but I can't even find someone who is loving and caring. All the men I met are basically looking for a punching bag to project all of their insecurities. I don't want to live with someone who constantly criticizes me and implies that I am not good enough. But I think the alternative is being alone forever. I looked for that loving caring compassionate and communicative guy almost everywhere and I think he doesn't exist. I pursue my passions, have a few great supportive friends and a life that I have so many things to be grateful for but I really struggle with men and relationships. I guess I can't get along with men. I know all the reasons why they act that way (I purchased your ''why men pull away'' audio). But this information only helped me to understand and feel compassion for them. They have to do something to change their behavior. And they just don't do that.
And the purpose of that compassion, Gizem, is to recognize that we're all human, that they don't deserve to be placed on that pedestal we so often place them on were we to discover the root of why we give away our power like we do. We can't make someone change, but we can contribute to the shift that inspires them to change because they no longer have to live out of an act that pretends they don't have valid feelings, that they don't care, that they aren't capable of loving, caring relationships or that they don't even want them at all. The alternative is never being alone forever; it's in taking off the blinders that keep us from our similarities instead of our differences so that we can engage in relationships that don't require the competition for power or one-upping each other in our need to be loved and accepted unconditionally. We all share the same humanity underneath, Gizem, and it's only the ones who understand this who you're looking for!
You are so right, Jane!
I now get to choose, and even when I am chosen, it is up to me to decide whether the relationship is worth my time...
It takes courage...
For instance, to let go of the guys I was dating...
And the faith that there are other guys who could be more "right" or a better "fit" for me...
Thank you!
Yes! You're always the one doing the choosing, my beautiful friend!
I remember watching an episode of 'The Bachelor'. You know that show where there's one so-called eligible bachelor and 10+ women hoping to be picked? ONE girl caught my attention unlike the others that started or engaged in cat fights.
This ONE girl knew what she was worth and was NOT interested in that one available bachelor. Instead she BACKED OUT OF THE SHOW after one episode and said, "This was NOT the kind of man that she was interested in...not because other women wanted him...not because he appeared well put together...not because he was attractive...but because he did not fit HER CRITERIA. That is how every woman should be thinking.
Right on!
I can't stand all the ridiculous advice out there that women have to do "this" or "that" to keep or get a man. When it comes down to it, a woman's self-worth is not dependent on whether a guy "chooses her" or not. During my undergrad years, whenever I would go clubbing it felt like we were basing our self-worth on how many guys "chose" to dance with us.
Looking back on it now, who cares! They were not the type of guys that I would bring in front of my family anyways.
Great Article Jane!
So true, Amanda; it always seems so obvious when we look back, doesn't it? So glad you enjoyed this! 🙂
Thank you Jane. It is usefull! Especially this part;
"we become comfortable in our skin by living a life that makes us feel this way from within. Then, we won't need to go elsewhere for that validation that we...
I think i need to remind myself and do this., become comfortable in your own skin and life. Is it possible that maybe because i do not feel comfortable in my own skin(working on it). Maybe i should explore this more, myself. And not to feel foolish but to be kind to myself and take time to explore and enjoy.
Maybe I am not ready yet for dating or a relationship? What do you advice Jane?
Glad this helped, Maris. 🙂 It doesn't have to be so cut and dry. Rather than thinking in terms of whether you're ready or not for dating or a relationship (because honestly, few of us can truly say we are every really "ready"!), put your time and energy into creating your own life, doing the things that make your life fun and enjoyable, getting involved with groups and clubs and organizations and activities and events that you enjoy, that you're passionate about or that hold your interest.
Think of all this as an adventure in self-discovery, in getting to know yourself better and figuring our what it is that makes you happy, that brings you joy, that makes you feel alive. Give back in the ways that inspire you and give you that contented feeling that you've shared your gifts and talents with those who can benefit from what you have to offer, whether it be through volunteer work or by spending time with friends and family - and maybe children and animals, too - they are always great for grounding us and keeping us living in the present moment!
The point is to become focused on you and your own life so that what others choose to do or don't do with you doesn't matter compared to the choices that you're making about yourself, about that beautiful woman known as you, Maris. When you stop searching for something outside of yourself to make everything fall into place, and when your focus isn't on hunting for something or someone to come along, you can simply observe what shows up and see what that looks like and feels like to you.
If you are putting yourself first - no, this isn't selfish, it's absolutely necessary for what we've been through! - you'll know when something or someone is right for you and when it's time to say "next". You have all this inside you already, my beautiful friend; we just sometimes need to be reminded as we go about this journey!
Thank you Jane . You make me think about myself and my actions.
It is helpfull and inspiring!
I call it too a journey, i am on a path. But as you can see i got a little blind .And you are like a Angel to remind me
That I should keep on going. But most of all you give me kind words and hope. That
Help and sea things from a different perspective. Does this make me happier and braver, yes!
Thank you for it!
Anytime, Maris; thank you for your sweet words. I'm in this with you and wouldn't have it any other way! 🙂
"SELFISH". That is the word that keeps women in trouble all the time. We always think about the other person FIRST. What THEY think. How THEY feel. It is not selfish to think of yourself first. If we don't think and do for ourselves, who is it that is suppose to make us happy. Women choose their mate as well as the man. A man could never be with you if you don't choose to be with him. Just like you cannot be with a man if he doesn't choose to be with you. Adults, unlike children have the ability to choose what their lives are going to be like. If we don't choose, then we are giving this responsibility to someone else. If that is the case, we cannot blame the other person for our unhappiness. We have to take responsibility for our lives and make ourselves comfortable. We can do that! I just think many of us are afraid to actually do it.
So true, Carolyn; it's amazing how just one word can keep us so stuck, so ingrained in our thinking, so repetitive in our patterns. It's time to be selfish!
I agree Jackie, but when you look at Cameron for example. You see her tell the truth; she works out everyday but at a way that she think it is fun, she does not really seem to care when people say "why don you have kids" etc. You can see that she stands behind her own truth and boundries. I find her beautifull too.
Jane this part down here. Is it true thAt you or me never stops learning this. I experience it everytime
Like it's a test. Do you need external things or people to feel sometimes your loved or that you
Are someone in this big planet. I sometimes do need the hug or talk from my best friend or mother. Now offcourse there is a big difference who these people or things are in life. But sometimes i feel like i am foolish, because the man you date sometimes make you confused. And you start to doubt... You feel like your NOT something without him . You almost want to break your boundries so he will see you more etc. There are moments i have to slap myself to tell myself that this is not true Maris.. Stick to your guns.. it feels like a proces, i find myself like on a journey to learn. But does it ever go away ? Am I doong something wrong?
This part
(
A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.)
I love how you described Cameron - she stands behind her own truth. I have always found her down-to-Earth and genuine. Charlize Theron too! When I contrast them by Jolie the one thing that sticks out is comfort in one's own skin. Something I never felt with Jolie. Now this is just my experience and reaction. Personally, Jolie is the epitome of the kind of person who crumbles at the thought of no external validation. That is why I have always had an uncomfortable reaction around her.
Exactly, Jackie; being comfortable in one's own skin is what true confidence is all about. And when you've got that, then as you say, it makes people want to be around you in your company because there is no work required to be with you so everyone is free to simply be present in the moment and enjoy the time spent together. Great analogy!
I mentioned this at my clinical psych case conference and the other clinicians agreed with my analogy. They said that people like this give off the vibe of not being alot of work.
You're not doing anything wrong, Maris; and yes, the need for this type of external validation can eventually go away when we learn to recognize that this is what we're doing when we seek it from someone outside of ourselves and choose instead to create a life for ourselves that gives us that validation by doing those things and becoming someone that we are proud to be - read: we become comfortable in our skin by living a life that makes us feel this way from within. Then, we won't need to go elsewhere for that validation that we're ok, but instead, if we find ourselves forgetting this or falling back into our old patterns because this is still so new, we can remind ourselves (as often as we need to!) that we are enough just as we are because we will honestly believe that. Does that make sense?
To put it another way, there is a huge difference between buying a great outfit that's at a price you can afford because it makes you feel good to wear something that brings out your best features and buying the latest trendy outfit at any price because it's what all the "in" people are wearing. See the difference? And along the same lines, it's wonderful to have a best friend or your mom to call on when you're feeling down - like we experience! - and you know they're going to be there for you. Those are wise decisions to have a support network of supportive friends and family who you know will always be there for you. But when that reaching out for that support when you need it, turns into an everyday occurrence where you're constantly checking in with others to make sure you're ok and you're monopolizing the conversations with all your needs without giving anything back to them, that becomes something different and unhealthy for both of you.
There may also be times when seeking outside help from a professional is the best course of action so that they can help you get back on track on your own, and help point you in the right direction. Sometimes a loss or a setback rocks our world enough that we are unable to see ourselves in the light of who we really are, and that's when we may need more than just a friend or family member for support.
Creating a life for ourselves that we can be proud of, that makes us feel strong and confident in all that we are and all that we have to offer the world goes such a long way for building a kind of confidence that doesn't get thrown about by every storm and allows us to keep going despite life's inevitable ups and downs, knowing that our external world may be constantly changing, but we ourselves can be firmly grounded in the beautiful light of who we really are, imperfections and all. Confidence in our own unique humanness is the type of confidence that no one can ever take away from us once we have discovered it for ourselves!
Our goal is to come from a place where we choose to allow someone to have a place in our lives not because we need them to, but because we want them to because they complement our lives, not complete us.
I can clarify further, Maris; just let me know 🙂 It's never as perfect -or easy! - as it sounds, my beautiful friend. I'm still getting there, I still have my days where I have to remind myself of exactly what I've written here, but it's in recognizing the influence of our culture and our programming within this culture from our impressionable early ages, that we can recognize we're getting there, however small our steps may seem as we go along!
Fundamentally this is about believing that external validation is the only proof that we are valuable as a human being. The irony and paradox is that the people who are easily chosen are the ones who have chosen themselves first and foremost. Someone who is very comfortable in their own skin is irresistable because we don't have to do any work to affirm them all the time. I lie to use celebrity analogies. For example, my favorite actor Michael Fassbender embodies this. So does Cameron Diaz. At least for me they do. They come across as light and fun and delightful. The opposite exists in Angelina Jolie. She comes across for me as exhausting. Always trying to prove, assert, demanding external validation. No wonder she doesn't have female friends. Brad Pitt is perfect for her because he comes across the same way. Not entirely sure of himself and comfortable in his own skin.
"Someone who is very comfortable in their own skin is irresistible because we don't have to do any work to affirm them all the time" - Interesting take on this, Jackie; thanks for adding to this conversation. 🙂
This is something I have learned in life. When you are uncomfortable others become uneasy too. One guy gave me the jitters because he was so insecure. I was picking up on his vibe. Another made me so comfortable like an old friend. Again, same cause.
A good example of observational learning Jackie. Woman have an amazing sense of how happy a man is with themselves and hopefully attracted to one that demonstrates this in a non-destructive way through his attitude, lifestyle and behavior. This can be a healthy form of leadership that all women are attracted to.
On the other hand, some woman see the bad boy as showing this kind of leadership and security but it is temporal and destructive.
There is also those that do what I call '...getting too comfortable too soon...' to a point of cheapening the feminine/masculine contrast and the resulting chemistry.
Bad boys are an addiction for some women who have a savior complex. Savior = martyr. Sorry, I gave up on being a Catholic saint candidate years ago. Personally, if you crave a bad boy it is a need for excitement underneath. Take up an extreme sport. Usually these women from my personal experience are trying to get confidence and courage by the wrong association. Being around anti-social is not a good idea nor is it safe. Anyway, that is for them to work out in therapy or through some spiritual practice. My archetype of an ideal man is actually Hugh Jackman because he is a family man and a gentleman.
I know a lot of women that go out to clubs, bars and websites like match.com
Their purpose and reason? Not to get a date...not to make a connection...not to find what they say they are looking for.
TOO SEE WHAT KIND OF INTEREST THEY CAN GET AND BE VALIDATED. THAT IS ALL.
I totally agree! Attention = Value whether online or offline but it's not a deep quality kind of approval stamp