What you’re really asking is: where’s the dating manual that gives you the rules to navigate this crazy world of love?
It doesn't feel anything like it was supposed to feel like.
It doesn't look anything like what it was supposed to look like.
At least not at this point in your life.
And now I’m telling you you’re powerful? The last thing you feel is powerful!
But, my beautiful friend, that’s exactly what the problem is.
You’re missing the most crucial point of this all! It doesn't have to be like this.
You can take your power back, the power you've actually had all along, and you can set your own terms and see who shows up and who falls back.
It’s an adventure. You can detach and enjoy, and finally see this dating, relationship – this looking for love - for the adventure it can be!
You aren't here to try to get someone to ask you out. You weren't made so that you’d be spending all your time and energy trying to make him commit to you. Your birthright isn't to spend your days waiting for someone to call, to make a commitment, to come around to where you are, to finally see that you’re the dream girl he’s been waiting for his whole life. I want you to see this for youself.
You are just that powerful!
You are the one who decides your terms for the relationship.
You are the one who determines who you allow in your life.
You are the one who shows him how to treat a woman.
You are the one who teaches him what it takes to be with you.
You are the one who communicates your worth.
You are the one who doesn't allow him to take you for granted.
You are the one who makes him wait for you.
You are the one who changes his perception of women.
You are the one who changes whatever stereotype about you he’s bought into.
You don't have to follow anyone else's rules - you set your own terms!
You are the one who changes the player’s behavior, the user’s program, the bad boy’s MO, simply by walking away.
You.
Because every time you say no, every time you set and hold your boundaries, every time you refuse to allow someone in your life when his terms do not agree with yours, you send the most powerful message of all:
This is not how you treat a woman. This is not how you treat you!
Don’t ever believe you can’t do this.
You can believe in your power, you can believe in you. All it takes is you seeing things from this new perspective and living it!
It's in you. You have the power.
Hi Jane - I have a question for you that might be an interesting topic for others.
As you know, my ex disappeared 7+ months ago. It was devastating and brought up many issues for me.
One of the things that got me through (in addition to therapy, your site, etc.) was my friends. One in particular was extremely supportive. The first couple months, I was at her house nearly every day, crying, trying to understand.
Then, I recently "invited" him back in my life by sending him a text which started a texting conversation that went over about 2-3 weeks. Long story short, this conversation ended up setting me off one night when I realized he just wasn't going to acknowledge what he did, or show any care or remorse.
I texted my friend above and in response she said, "Girl, when are you going to stop doing this to yourself?" Well, she and I didn't talk via text, phone, or in person for a week or so. Then today I received an email from her saying "I love you, but don't want to talk about him anymore. It's not good for you, for me, for our friendship. I am here for you whenever you choose to let him go."
My feelings are mixed: On the one hand, I completely understand how sick she must be of hearing about it. It's so obvious to her that he hurt me and isn't worth it. On the other hand, I feel that friends should be there for you through thick and thin and I feel abandoned by her.
I'm scared to get into another relationship, have my heart broken, and then lose my friends because I can't get over it.
What is your opinion? What would you suggest as to how to look at this?
Hi, B
Wow! I think you have an amazing friend!!! Don't lose her! Very few of us has the luck to find someone like that, who loves us so damn much that cannot stand it when we do damage to ourselves. She's a keeper. She understands you, believe me, she does. More than anyone. She hasn't abandoned you. She just feels the pain with you and she doesn't want to feel it anymore. Can you blame her? Would you want to feel pain? No! She doesn't want to either!!
Don't be so hard on her and don't be so hard on yourself. You simply are going through a difficult, painful situation and you don't seem to see the way out yet. But trust me, you will. The minute you decide to let go of someone who mistreats you like this man, you will emerge and feel so much better. And she will be there for you if she wants to be and if you also want her in your life. People who love you this much, they are for keeps. Don't lose an amazing woman who has done everything in her power, everything she can handle to help you and to love you. Maybe you don't see it now, because I know you are hurt. I've been there. But please know, this friend... she loves you. From where I stand, it is very simple: this guy or yourself? Yourself. This guy or your friend? Your friend all the way. Sending lots of love your way. Hugs.
Thanks for your perspective Angel.
Dear Jane,
I have a question. While doing talks with a counselor I find myself sometimes
In a conflict. It feels like I have more power but not strong enough to say
"I have the power". In a way you can say I am growing in confidence. And
As i go through life . I smile more to men etc.
But still have no relationship. I find it now like.. Let me focus on my healing and growing as a
Young women . Let me give myself this space and stop stressing about men!
Am I being to selfish or weird?
No, Maris, you're not being "too selfish or weird"! When we do things differently than the norm, when we listen to our own hearts and souls instead of following along with what everyone else is doing, there will always be people we come across who cause us to question ourselves and what we're doing like this. And because it's still so new to us, and we're still getting our own heads around it, question ourselves we do!
But what I've come to realize over the years as I've grown into all of this myself, is that there's a reason. It's so that we can a greater clarity into what it is we're doing, into what it is we're really looking for, into what it is we really want in this life. If we accept these people and events as part of our growth, as points along the way where we clarify our own journey and path to where we want to get to, we can accept them, too.
They remind us of what's real and what's not, and they give us a chance to go back to the old familiar comfort of the way we used to be, or continue on to this new path we're just starting to discover for ourselves. They remind us that it's always our choice. It's how we become stronger - and hold our own power - that much more.
dearest Jane,
thank you, thank you so much for all your time, energy and thought that you put in your writing and advise. you my dear friend make the world a better place by empowering one woman at a time, thank you for that. i have been going through a rough time, filled with self doubt and just feeling anxious. i have sought out your blog time and time again and it does wonders, i do feel better more focused and more convinced that i can make the changes i need to, not only to get the love of my life, but to be a better person and alter my inner dialogue. so thank you. after reading this post a sentence popped into my head, it happens often and they then become my mantra until i feel the need to reflect on something else. i wanted to share it with you, hopefully it resonates with some of you as well <3
'I am worth more than you have offered me'
lots of love & warmth to all of you x
Thank you for your beautiful words, Mantra. So glad you're finding such inspiration here! Love your mantra, 'I am worth more than you have offered me' - oh so true when we get that, when we can do more than just pay it lip service, but when we can live it as our truth!
it frightens me and gives me strength at the same time. i am just starting to tap into my inner strength and finding out what that means to me. i am realizing that i have the power to make choices, and i no longer accept running after someone, thus taking their worth over my own. i am learning, i am slowly succeeding, my actions reflect my values more and more each day x
It's such a familiar journey you're describing, Mantra. That feeling of fear of the unknown mixed with the strength of being able to stand up for ourselves and give ourselves permission to become more than we ever were before. It's how we start to do something different, it's how we shift our thinking, our way of seeing, our openness to new ways of being that we never understood before. It's beautiful to see, and I'm so blessed to hear stories like yours. Thank you for being here and sharing so openly as you live this process.
This is so true! This man I was seeing was so mean to me and disappeared...poof he was gone...I called him to tell him I was losing my job and warned him I was going to cry and then I never heard from him again...he neverhe called to see if I was ok....We go to the same church and he even stopped attending church!!!! what a coward! Anyway, two Sunday ago he walked the church doors and I happened to be standing there and I asked how he was doing. You should have seen his face! After church he asked me If I had had a nice summer and I was like I did..thanks! and kept it moving! Our kids were chatting with each other and he never came over...again coward! But I held my head high! Today I had lunch with a girl from church who knew my situation told me he looked like he had seen a ghost throughout church! That's what happens when you treat people horrible and then avoid them for 6 months! It was kinda weird to see him but made me look at him with pity for treating me so bad but I felt great b/c I was confident enough to speak to him and also confident enough to know that I would NEVER give him the time of day again EVER! Too good for that!
That's exactly how far you've come, NB. Don't ever let your head down again; you are that strong, you are that confident, you are that woman, my beautiful friend! And no one can ever take that away from you once you have it for yourself! 🙂
This is the best article I've seen come from a woman regarding relationships. It could probably encompass every article and question you have from readers. If every woman lived this and demonstrated it by their lifestyle, it would change men and make them work harder. I've pushed this theme many times to my female friends for years but when it comes from a man, it doesn't hit them as fully plausible...it just makes me appear extremely 'rare'. A woman can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Choose to be a part of the solution for your own sanity and memorize this article. This article is being bookmarked and will be propagated heavily by me. It will go over and out to a close friend who has a very large audience. I will never promote or endorse with ANY monetary return or exchange of services.
PS How do I get an icon picture with my posts?
Glad you've enjoyed reading this, Michael; I appreciate your enthusiasm!
I swear more people should be reading you than are not. Have you heard of Mind Body Green? You may want to ask them to reprint your articles from this blog. I love how you are married with kids but see those who are not married or parents as equals. So many coaches in the relationship realm have this hierarchy where they treat singles as social pariahs and how they can fix it all by getting married.
You're sweet, Jackie; I so appreciate your kind words. I'll check out the site you mentioned. 🙂
And my beautiful friend, please know that regardless of the fact that I finally figured this all out and am married with children, I still remember so vividly how it felt to feel like the outsider year after year, always on the outside looking in, feeling so inferior to every else who so effortlessly seemed to have found their own husbands and then families of their own. Knowing what that feels like, I couldn't imagine treating you or anyone else differently for simply being in a different place in your journey! We are all equals; we are all so very human, regardless of our marital or family status. That's why we are all in this together!
That is why I sent you the link to write on Mind Body Green via your facebook site. I just find alot of writers (men and women) go on about how now they are better than others because they are finally married with kids or at least have a significant other. That is what I feel is a message that makes being single some kind of illness to cure. It's also discrimination against marital status.
Thanks, Jackie. 🙂
And if you google "gravatar" or "avatar", you should find everything you need to enable you to add a picture to your comments on websites that have this feature enabled. 🙂
And what a relief it is to discover that the person looking back at you in the mirror is ok. For years I struggled with dependency issues and a lack of selfesteem. I have just come to a stage where i am able to have a platonic relationship with a guy and not feel anxiety. I cant tell you what a relief it is .I am also able tolet go of people who do not accord me respect . The first time I did it it felt out of character, but now I love knowing I have my back in every situation and at the end of the day no matter what the problems , the solution will come when I stay calm and grounded. Its so true Jane, how much we love and believe in ourselves is the foundation that everything in our lives is built upon. Thank you for pointing this out till it hit home.
I love what you said Ann 'knowing I have my back' . It's great when someone says this to you... but when you can say it about yourself, I think it shows you no longer have dependency issues and lack of self esteem- way to go!.
Yes!
Love your words here, Ann, because I understand exactly what you're saying. And once you reach this place in your life, it applies to everything. That old all too familiar feeling of anxiety and fear is replaced by that calm sense of confidence that says "I can handle this". You never have to be afraid of what someone might say to you. You never have to be afraid of what someone might think of you. You never have to wonder what's coming next. You know that whatever it is, it's not yours to own, it's not yours to take on unless you choose to. And that's the real power, being able to choose what, if anything, you want to do next. That's the freedom, that's the self-love, that's the confidence of this process. That's you!
Taking back one's power is a much needed move for all of us. Sometimes it is easy to give away one's power to experts but experts, unless they have met us, may not have guidance that really can help us. For a while I have also been reading the blog of a love coach in California named Shelly Bullard and I must say, her credentials were enough to have me buy into what she was saying. However, I began to find some of her articles more an endorsement of partnerships as an end all be all over anything else. That is when I decided to take my power back and disagree with some of what she wrote. What I love about this blog is that Jane is not trying to push an agenda but simply reinforce self love and not place anything or anyone above it.
And that's because the way we feel about ourselves - how much we love and believe in ourselves - is the foundation that everything else in our lives is built upon! You have to first love and accept yourself before you can convey to anyone else why you are worth everything; because no matter who you are, or what you've been through, it doesn't change that simple truth. You are!
Self-love is always available because you are with you all the time. Sometimes I find that many coaches, whether male of female, on the game of love have love lives that reflect a kind of needy that stems from lack of self-love. Maybe I am wrong but a serial monogamist type of person seems codependent to me. And codependent often attracts a narcissist to have an intimacy dance with. No thanks. I like healthy people in friendship and love.
Absolutely, Jackie!
I like healthy people in friendship and love as well! I find that the more I love and accept myself the more I attract healthy relationships. And the less "needy" I feel, the more I get attention from guys. It is so interesting but it also makes sense.
I hope you are doing very well and enjoying life!
Jackie,
You had asked in a previous post if I thought your decision to cancel a date with a man who asked you to drive across town to meet him was a good call? (paraphrased)
Yes! A wise and excellent choice. Thoughts>Attitude>Behavior... His behavior symbolizes a negative kind of attitude toward you and women in that they are servants that him...and that he need not do the work or make the effort for. It might tell you the kind of women he is accustomed to. You chose not to be one. He will most likely pursue strongly with that response but he has already proven to not be worthy. If you're tempted to be forgiving with all his reasoning and excuses, do NOT give in. I base my answer only on what you've stated but I've seen this many times before so I'll go with that. I take NO offense for men simply because I am one. I take an objective position with both sexes.
Thanks Michael. The man who wanted me to go all the way to the other end of town for a first date coffee ended up NOT getting a date with me at all. I cancelled, blocked, and deleted his contact info. I am not playing that game. All my men friends would have asked to meet halfway and that is where my standard lies. Great if he comes to where I live but I am respectful of others, and would have found meeting halfway more than fine. The guy is looking for a subservient woman seeking an imbalanced relationship where there is no negotiation or compromise or even consideration. Good luck to them. I certainly wouldn't want that kind of deal.
What should I have said to him instead of agreeing initially to the date and then cancelling? Next time I want to stand up for myself and my standards more in the moment. Any suggestions?
I have a whole different process and mindset when it comes to meeting the opposite sex than most so it's hard to answer your question. To me, any form of communication could be called a 'date'. What I am sensing is that you see this as stages and what are the do's and don'ts at each stage. In this case, you agreed to something which gave him the power and control...the theme of this article. He abused that and you found out his 'attitude'. Here's another 'next time' scenario that can keep you in control. Pretend the minute you meet any man and they motion a discussion or interest, the date just started. You stay in control and your job is to ask open ended questions in hopes that you start getting to know his attitude about many things and especially women...right there on the spot. I personally like to talk on the phone and have ended up quickly seeing a change of personality to that of what they 'really are' about. It often happens quickly and I saved a lot of time and money had I continued to meet them in person only to find out the same thing I did through communication. Since I believe communication is the strongest and highest needed element of all, somewhere in all those 'talks' you should have gathered an overall core of beliefs and attitudes about this person. If you like what you hear over a reasonable amount of time, then go meet in person if he asks but always let him lead. I guess I would summarize my answer as staying in control by distance conversations long before agreeing to something in person. Take this article and see if there are other ways you can apply it to your question other than what I proposed.
The way this happened was that he was messaging me on Match.com and then we finally exchanged phone numbers. We chatted for a few minutes where he was asking the typical questions I've heard asked by other people I met online. Then about 5 minutes later he mentioned meeting and said he lived in a particular area. I thought he was asking if him being there was an issue and I said that as long as someone was a local call it wasn't a deal breaker. He must have interpreted that as an opening to ask me if he could make the demand for me to meet him for coffee near his place. When he asked me if I was free Wednesday I said I was and then before I knew it he was saying to meet him at 6pm at the Starbucks in his part of town. Something along the lines got misinterpreted. So I agreed just to get off the phone. Then I went online and cancelled, blocked and deleted him.
That is so true!!!!
Really agree with this post. so true, we need to remember that we have the power within us to change
what does not work for us. Too often we demonstrate qualities that are counter-productive with what we
truly want. It's the choices we make that will show that yes indeed we have the power to communicate
by our actions and words that we value ourselves and can decide what we accept or don't accept!
Exactly, Marie!