Almost all of us have been there before at least once in our lives. The perfect guy, the one you've been waiting your whole life for, suddenly disappears, never to be heard from again. No call, no text, not even a goodbye note. There you are, left all alone, wondering what happened, where’d he go, what went wrong, and, most importantly, what should you do now?
While some of us try desperately to get him back, others go back and forth second guessing everything and blaming ourselves for being the reason he disappeared. Most of us, at one time or another, have found ourselves so utterly devastated by the disintegration of what seemed so promising, so full of potential, that we are unsure of how to move on.
The good news is that there's a process for getting through this and getting back on track, to where you were before he disappeared.
Express it.
Whether you punch couch cushions or a punching bag, cry into your pillow until your tears are finally dried up, scream at the top of your lungs or pour out your heart to your best friend, the key is to let it all out. Let yourself really feel everything no matter how painful, say everything you want to say until you get to the tears and then let it all out. There is nothing as healing as those tears that finally come when we realize that underneath our anger and our rage at what happened is simply a hurt little girl who wasn't ready to give up on a dream. From there, true emotional healing can finally begin and life can begin anew.
Write it out.
Write a letter or email to him letting him know how much he hurt you and how much it hurt you that he disappeared. Don’t miss anything you want to say to him. Write out every detail, every feeling, every way you feel betrayed, misled and disappointed with the way he suddenly disappeared without a trace, without any explanation.
But don’t send it to him; this is for you, not him. It’s in putting it down on paper that you get it all out while it serves as a reminder of what it was really like with him when your memory can only conjure up all the wonderful things about him and the relationship and forgets all too easily the reality of what it was really like. Then when you no longer need this reminder, once you can see the reality of what was instead of the fairytale fantasy of what you wanted it to be, get rid of it.
Forgive him.
Yes, you read that right. You have to forgive him for the fact that he disappeared without so much as saying goodbye. Let go of the anger and the sadness realizing that he just wasn't there didn't know how to handle the situation any better. He wasn't on the same page as you and as much as he might have wanted to be, he didn't know what to do to get there and wasn't able to be honest and upfront with you when he realized this. This isn't about excusing him or lessening what you went through; this is about you recognizing that he is just as human as you and can make mistakes, too.
It doesn't absolve him of what he did or the responsibility for his actions, it’s simply about you making a decision to forgive him and let go of holding a grudge against him. It's about not letting that kind of negative energy permeate your relationships going forward. It’s this lack of forgiveness that all too often ends up with us having hardened hearts with jaded attitudes even when we move on from these past hurtful relationships. It’s when we truly can see him for the less than perfect guy that he really is that we can learn to forgive in a genuine way that allows us to forgive ourselves, too.
Realize it was a gift.
The bottom line is that he wasn't the one for you. You weren't meant to be together. And it really was a gift that you found out now, as painful as this realization can be, before you invested any more of your time and energy on someone who isn't there, isn't on the same page where he can give you what you’re looking for from him. It doesn't get any easier the longer you’re together; it only gets more painful. So know that you've been saved from so much more heartbreak down the road by finding this all out now.
Now you’re available for someone who is on your page.
You now have the time and energy to spend on someone who is right where you are, looking for the same thing you are with someone just like you. There is nothing that compares to this when you find it, and the surest way to finding it is in the process of letting go of the ones that aren't where you are, as painful as that can be to accept.
Above all, by looking at our relationship endings this way, we can begin to see that these things really do happen for a reason, and when it’s meant to be, it will be! And when it’s not, it’s a beautiful thing if we choose to see it that way; as it clears the way for the right one to arrive.
I met a guy and all looked okay. I thought to myself, vau whatt happened, I didnt get involved witha bad guy:) After few dates he disappeared. I blame me because the last day we we were hanging out I had a really bad day...I think I scared him about how attached I became. I would like to see him again and tell him that I am not that desperate and that I am pretty cool:) Still miss him, I wish him all the luck in the world.
Yup....Old boyfriend returned after 47 years... unhappily married for 40 years...left his wife...we were together for two years...4 weeks away from his divorce he WENT BACK....sends me cards, emails...I have NOT responded...hurts soooo badly...but...he did this to me when were we teenagers...ratfink.
oh, Ssmdruid, my heart goes out to you. To experience this twice, when we think he's changed, to believe again in someone. Go easy on yourself here; we all want to hope, to believe it can be different, to believe he's changed. You're so not alone!
Im near heart broken. My partner and I are in our mid 40s - both had bad marriages, children, work ... We have been going out for 8 months, we both verbalised that we had met 'the one' that maybe we had to live our lives the way they were before we met each other, we both said I love you, and meant it (so he said) we had integrated most of our lives - spending time with both sets of children, whilst also enjoying time alone. We both have shared so much, our deepest desires, to our deepest fears. We both said we had our own bubble, that we thought we'd never meet someone like each other, that we felt complete. We were happy. He spends maybe 2-4 nights here a week depending on children etc. We had just had a great weekend with all the kids then had a night to ourselves. He has a lot of clothes here, shoes, toiletries etc. He got up for work the next day, love you, goodbye. I had a bad day with some things that I was upset about. Rang him that night and vented and he was very supportive, as always, had a cry, vented some more. He actually rang me back an hour later to say goodnight and talk some more, I said it always seems to be that I needed him physically with me when he couldn't be ... just the way it works ... anyway he said for me to try and get some sleep, love you, talk to you in the morning. Now 85% of the time we've been together he has rung me every morning and last thing at night. We have fantastic communication - talk for hours on end even 8 months later. Anyway no phone call that morning, no problem. I text him later and said how his day was, he text back saying he had a heap on, would call me later. He was due over that night. I get a text at 6 saying he wouldn't be over, was working back late, he would call me later, please don't ring as he had heaps to get through, thanks for my understanding. That was 7 days ago. Hes completely ignored me - my phone calls, my texts, my emails. His teenage daughter is still talking to me on FB and text, shes oblivious. I found out by chance that he is interstate on business. Whilst I don't know whats going on in his world, or the stress hes under, I cannot justify his behaviour one bit. Theres always a text message. Im devastated. Its my birthday in 3 days, he had plans to take me out and spend the day with me. I guess that's all over now. I just wish I had closure. If he wants all his clothes etc hes going to have to speak to me at some point ? How can you go from constant contact and loving me and integrating lives and planning for the future, even inviting me overseas with his work trip in November, to this ???? I really don't know what to do !!!!
of course you don't know what to do, Carrie; this sounds so out of character for him. It sounds like you've tried everything to get in touch with him and he isn't responding, so there isn't really much left for you to do except try to remain calm and know that if this is so out of character for him, than there must be something big going on suddenly in his life that he isn't comfortable sharing with you right now. Give him the space to do whatever he's needing to do, and know that this has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you, my beautiful friend - whatever it is that's going on with him.
I know it feels devastating and no answers and not being able to talk to him seems so much worse, Carrie, but know that even worse-case scenario - that's he simply disappeared, means that he isn't the one for you. Anyone who would just disappear - without an explanation - doesn't deserve you and isn't worth your you! And if this is something that he just can't share with you right now, know that you'll know soon enough. Surround yourself with supportive people right now who don't judge you, don't make you question yourself more, but simply accept and love you for who you are. You'll find out more soon enough - what you need right now more than anything is support for you!
You are so right! This process is healing, I've done it before myself. The letter is so powerful! Once you articulate your needs that way, it's like exhaling/relaxing. Only problem is I actually sent mine! Haha! If I had found your site earlier, I would have left that part out. It's still saved on my "sent mail" folder in my email, and reading it always makes me feel better. Like I stood up for myself. I told him the truth without insulting him or lashing out at him. He disappeared completely after that, though, haha! It went from very shaky to definitely over. Don't send the letter, ladies! Ignore the little voice that's urging you to send it. But writing it is so important for you, be sure to do it.
I'm glad you experienced the healing process of putting everything in writing, Alive. And know that even if you did send your letter, it didn't change anything. The disappearing act that happened after you sent it would have happened anyway, and in fact, this probably saved you some time. We learn so many of these things the hard way, but there's never anything wrong with learning it this way, it's just harder on our hearts and souls.
Thank you, Jane. I misspelled my name before, it's actually Alice. I always feel like I messed up with that. It's very consoling to realize that it would have happened anyway. Your blog is a god-send. Thank you for what you're doing.
Regards,
Alice
I'm glad this helped, Alice; it's always so hard to see things from an outside perspective when you're in it. And you're so welcome; it's women like you that inspire me.
I have already wrote mine hasn’t sent it yet I really feel better when i found this page i read almost every story I realized im not the only one left suddenly and about the part forgiveness I really feel i can forgive him now 😂💕
I'm so glad it helped, Parisa. No, you're not the only one. And also no, it's never a statement about you!
I have also found it is very important to not only forgive him but to forgive yourself. I have been poofed on many time over the past 5 years and each time I blamed myself for getting involved too quickly, or not seeing him for what he really was or believing him. And I would allow myself a few days to thump my fists against my head but I just needed to shrug my shoulders and move on. And what Jane said about this being a gift is so right! I might have been duped by his wonderful, shiny clearcoat but what was under that was nothing but rust. These men are disrespectful cowards. So thank you to all my past-cowards! I'm in a better place without you! 🙂
So true, Shannon; that forgiveness for ourselves is every bit as important as forgiving any him. And then to find that gift in the space that is now available for someone truly deserving of you is no small thing. Love that strength that comes through when you can say as you have here - "I'm in a better place without you!" You so are!
Hi Jane
I was asking myself why people are so intent on hurting another person by telling lies , cheating or dissapearing after making promises, and i realized that it is because the person has their own issues which try as we might , we cannot change . They might have a say in whether they stay or not but they DONT have a say in how you feel about it.
You have the ability to work it around in a way that makes you feel better.
When you do, what begins to happen is you radiate this sense of who you are, which then attracts somebody who appreciates this sense of who you are, somebody worthy of you. So in reality it really is a gift.
I love how you described this process, Ann. If we can only remember this and see anyone's behavior as their own stuff and nothing for us to take personally, then it truly does become the gift it is. But I know - all too well! - how much easier this is said than done.
This was what I needed to read this morning. In the Fall of 2012 I swear I met someone who did what few can do which was drop my guard the first time I met him. He really seemed like the kind of person I thought didn't exist but wanted. And he vanished. So this helped me remember why not to be sad about it.
Glad this gave you that reminder reality check, Jackie. This disappearing type, in particular, always seems too good to be true - this was my own experience as well. And it's exactly this vanishing habit that makes them so much harder to get over.
This is very timely to my situation now. After coming from a heartbreak from a guy who wouldnt commit to me, i met a guy which seems to have so much potential. He showed me he really liked me, took me out to a date right after we've met, he never faile to keep in contact even when he left for another country, he would tell me everyday how beautiful he think i was and tells me how he openly likes me and would pursue me in anyway. Until pooof! He disappeared just like that. I suddenly did not here from him for weeks, he cancelled his fb account right after telling me he will see me soon. I think i would follow the advice of writing him a letter i would never send him bec i was really offended with the fact that he led me on. Yet im thankful.. Maybe God wants to give me something even more wonderful than this.. I'll keep my faith and continue living my life.
Glad you found this timely, Reann. I have always found passionate letter writing - when it's done solely for your own benefit - to be one of the most therapeutic things you can do to say those things you never said, but so need to say to move on.
Know that you absolutely deserve someone so much better than this, Reann; be so glad it didn't work out because now you truly are free to be with someone who would never treat you like this! Hold onto your faith and your joy of living your free life because whenever there is such disappointment like this, it is a reminder that there is so much more to come, and yes, something so much more wonderful than this, my beautiful friend; even if the "how" and "when" seem so unanswerable right now.
Reann
What happened? Did he meet another woman?
Who knowa?
When they disappear and dont want you to know where they are its hard to know whether they have met another woman or are just not wanting to commit cause they dont feel the same way. Or they have a secret