One of our dear readers, Carla, wrote to me about her fears that her boyfriend may never be ready to commit to her. I hear this from so many of you that I wanted to highlight it this week in a post. After reading, please offer any additional advice you may have in the comments.
Hi Jane,
I hope you can help me. I am a 25-year-old woman and I am currently in a relationship with a 23-year old man for the past 10 months. Prior to this, I had been in a relationship for 6 years with a man who I believed was the One until the passion slowly fizzled out between us. For 6 years, I was always certain that this guy loved me and wanted to marry me some day- he told me this. We always talked about our future together and made lots of plans together and we never really had any issues. Distance eventually got the better of us and the passion and romance died, so after months of trying to make things better between us, I broke up with him and a few months later found my current boyfriend.
My current boyfriend has never had a long term relationship- 10 months with me is the longest he has been with a girl. We are both very compatible- have lots of the same interests, like doing the same things, we are both very attracted to one another and both very communicative and honest. After 5 months of being together, I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me also. I was thrilled as you can imagine. We both live about half an hour away from each other so we get to see each other at the weekends. We have both talked about our interest in going abroad to work/travel, but never mentioned about the possibility of going away together. We are both in the position to do this, so about 2 months ago I suggested to him that maybe if we did decide to go travelling in the future that we could go together. He dropped the "bomb" and told me that he's not sure if he's ready to take that step with me yet. He said that he has always wanted to go abroad with his friends or even on his own and it's something he intends to do to get out of his system. He said that he doesn't feel that he's "emotionally mature enough" to make that commitment to me just yet but some day he thinks he will be.
Honestly, I cried for days after this conversation, so much so that I became very bitter towards him but I also started to analyze every bit of effort that I've been making to make our relationship work. I realized that I was the one who was making all the plans for us to go places and surprising him with little things to show him I love him- yet I found that I wasn't really getting those things in return. Sure, he asks to meet up with me every week, but not once yet has he talked about going away for a few days or a week during the summer on holidays (when he knows that as a teacher I get 9 weeks off this summer so I would be flexible to go anywhere he wanted whenever he is able to).
I realize that it's mainly me operating this almost one-way system. I feel like the way I love him is different to the way he loves me. I feel like I depend on him a lot more than he depends on me. Don't get me wrong, I love doing things for myself and spending time by myself or with family and friends, but I feel like if we were to spend a whole 2 weeks apart that it wouldn't bother him as much as it would bother me. I would want to see him and I would miss him dearly during those 2 weeks but he wouldn't really react like that. For the past 10 months he has made me very happy but ever since he has told me that he cannot commit as much as I want him to commit, I just feel more and more like I'm on a completely different wave length to him.
We have had many arguments recently over this issue, where I have actually told him that I feel we both love each other in very different ways. I said: "I love you so much that I would do anything for you..I would go to the ends of the Earth for you. But you love me because you love hanging around with me and being with me and you love how we like the same things". I got no response to this. I'm starting to turn into a person that I don't want to be. I feel like I'm nagging him to spend more time with me almost, or trying to convince him to want to commit to me. He says that he sees me in his future but that right now he cannot give me what I want, the commitment that I want from him. We have had many conversations about this, and even though I wake up every day trying to start afresh and say "just enjoy the present with him and wait until he's ready", I get this fear that makes me nervous in my stomach that he may never be ready to commit to me. I show so much love for him, I try so hard to make him happy. I don't try to contact him too much by text or phone or I don't try to hog all his free time. He enjoys being with his friends and I admire that I never complain about the amount of time he spends with them.
I have really enjoyed our relationship right up until our conversation about commitment. It was a shock to me, I'm not sure why, but it feels like almost since then, I've become harder to deal with as a person and I cry a lot more than I ever used to. I want things to work between us because I always believed that what we had was great but I find recently that there are times when I find myself mulling over the fact that during my last relationship of 6 years, my ex never had commitment issues and we were always on the same page in terms of what we wanted and our feelings for one another. I would just like advice on this because I feel I'm at my wits end now and it's beginning to get me down a lot. I would really appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thank you.
My Response:
Dear Carla,
It sounds like you've figured out something that so few of us figure out on our own. That this relationship is about you making it easy for him to be with you, without him having to do very much at all in return. Oh how so many of us have fallen into this trap! So it looks like a wonderful amazing relationship, and yet, in reality, when we can look at it honestly like you have and see just how one-sided it is with you doing most of the initiating and him mostly just responding to you, it really isn't all that incredible after all! So of course this is such a disappointment to recognize this reality, when without this awareness, everything seemed easier, more natural, lighter, and more amazing.
But that wasn't reality. That was the picture that you were seeing through a lens that wasn't seeing the full picture. And whether because he truly isn't emotionally mature enough - which may well be the case since he is still so young at 23 - or something else entirely, it really doesn't matter. It just matters that this is where he's at and now you know and can decide what you want to do with this information before you give him any more of your beautiful self or waste any more of your time and energy on someone who may only break your heart down the road.
I hope you can see the strength you show in being able to see this for yourself, Carla; for that is no small thing. It takes courage to dig deep and honestly see what's going on. From here, it really is up to you where you want this to go. He's made it clear he sees doing things with his friends a priority and doesn't picture the two of you the same way you do. I'm not surprised if you love each other in different ways as well, and yet this isn't about any of these particulars as much as it is about you and what you want to do with all this. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same thing you do and is on the same page as you, but on the other hand, only you know what being with him is worth to you.
So this becomes about you, deciding for yourself what you want from him and a relationship with him if this is all he can give you right now. It is never your role to make anyone else happy, Carla, and I have a feeling that you haven't been given very much at all from him. So maybe it's time for you to look deeper there, and see what you are really getting out of this relationship. Why you're with him in the first place, what it is that you're really attracted to, and why you're willing to be with someone who gives you so little in return, when you're honest with yourself. The reasons we have for being with someone can provide so many clues to what's really going on, what you're really looking for and what areas you need to look deeper at within yourself.
It sounds like you're trying hard to get things back the way they were before you had this conversation about commitment with him, but I would question whether or not there was anything of substance really there for you to even to try to get back. Sometimes, it becomes about accepting what is, instead of what we so want it to be, and know that it could be if only he were different. But that's the point. You can't change him, he is who he is, and he's showing you that now. This is the reality right now. You, on the other hand, deserve someone who meets you where you are, who shares in that natural give and take that comes so easily when it's truly meant to be, and is just as concerned about making sure you're happy, as you are about him. It always takes two to make a relationship work, and when it's meant to be, it is. Simply because both people are on the same page, want the same thing, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than that, as well.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Carla? Please share them with her in the comments!
If he disrespects you in front of his friends, he may be attempting to show them that he’s really not going to commit to you. He must think they need that reassurance.
Carla,
I think the thing is with relationships is that in life there are going to be some amazing times but also some really tough stuff to walk through. You want someone by your side who can walk alongside, giving support, being amazing because they love you 100% and put you as a priority in their life. That kind of person is someone who you want to be with and who will encourage you to go further in your dreams and passions. When it's the right match and timing, you will know! I also HIGHLY suggest taking a couple months and go exploring and see the world - have fun, adventure, and amazing times with meeting lots of new people!
Hi i need some advise. I know you might think its too soon but i I'd been seeing this guy over a month. I am 7 years older than him. When i met him i told him that i wasn't looking for a relationship because i was trying to concentrate on building a life with my five year old son. I am divorced,as time passed i could tell this guy was a generous and sweet considerate guy so i ended up letting him into my life. I haven't been with someone for quite a while. Anyhow we were happy,spend time together,said i love you'd and respected each other. I'd encouraged him to start college so he would have a bright future just as i am trying to finish and try get a degree in Registered Nurse. So he decides to take my advise and start college along with that he will start a demanding job that requires all of his time as well. So he told me all of this and that he may not have time for me. At this time my son will be going back to my country and live with my parents so i can finish up my education and have a bright future for my son and for me. Any way i met up with the guy and he asked me what was my plan. I told him that I decided to let him go because of my deep love for him all i want is the best for him. I explained to him i wanted him to concentrate on work and college. And that i do love him with all my heart but its hard. He said we could still try and see me but told him it'll be hard for him to concentrate and that what if later i would demand more of his time. It has been 2 days now and I'm trying to be okay,he is younger than me and at that age(20yrs) he still have alot ahead of him. I love him alot but i had to sacrifice my love for him so that i can see him have a good future as for me i am a single mother and know how it is to struggle and secure a future. Do you think i did the right thing and do you think he was proud of my decision,if he really loved me will he ever think of me or not forget me,i showed him not all women are the same and all i gave him was my kindness,my love and my support. I will not easily forget him because he made me happy and accept my ex-husband and his wife. We are now friends because of that guy,i call him my prince. Will he ever think of me and in hopes decide to come back to me. I know that i must move on but i have a very set mind and don't think of being with another guy especially after letting go of this guy i so love. I don't want to start over again with someone,I'm tired of that so i will focus on finishing up my education and getting a degree just like him and i promised each other. I pray the best for him. Please leave a comment to help me at this very emotional and sad time. I have no one to talk to but express my story and feelings. Thank you
Carla , the first thought I had was that you're both very young! You are at such an exciting time in your life. I know you feel that you don't want to lose this man you love so dearly. Trust us there will be other men who will probably come and go. And that's alright. Through them you will learn so much about yourself - your likes, dislikes, what truly makes you happy... I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say perhaps he isn't intentionally dangling you on a string. Maybe it's simply where he is in his life. That's allowed. After all he has his own life to lead. It could be that in time he would be ready to commit to you or someone else. I guess my thought though is that regardless of where he is you are ready for a commitment now and he isn't. I've learned to try to trust what is... And , yes, it's incredibly difficult to let go! I'm struggling myself right now. Carla, the timing might just not be right for you two as a couple. You sound like such a bright, intelligent young woman. I have confidence that if you set both you and this man free you will find your way to a much brighter and rewarding place! Imagine for a moment if what you feel for him was mutual. go and find it! Who knows one day he may look for you. He'll then have to hope you're still available! 🙂
Hallo Carla,
I agree with Jane.
But both dicision are tough and are full of risk. You can wait untill he commits or you can break up.
My opinion is that both dicisions are very difficult. But you have to choose for you. Be honest to
yourself and your heart. It took me 3 years to accept that he will not change, and at the same time i was living my life and enjoying. I only regret not following my intuition that was warning me for him!
Yes it was painfull and really hard! And at the end i am again single, and after 3 years he was still not ready.
So my advice would be, be realistic. You can keep hanging for months or years, untill he is ready.
And the thing is, he probably will not be ready. Like in my situation!
So be greatfull for your intuition and heart that is telling you, he is not worth it Carla! Why are you waiting for him
to change!? What are you scared for?
It will hurt if you break up. But belive me it hurts more after months or years making yourself belive that he will change!
And you should follow your intuition, that is telling you the truth! You can not deny it!
Hello Carla:
i really feel well ur situation as i was and still in it and just broke up and still hurted big time and asked for the support of lovely lady jane may god bless her and our whole community,
listen to me well , through experience that i took after a lot of shocks in my life , never give a man more than he deserves and never give more than what u can take , dont make urself cheap , always be expensive and make him do a lot of effort to reach u , no use of any relation that might makes you unhappy , we enter relations for security and to be happy and safe , if u will be miserable so whats the use of that !! in ur case the guy is playing and just enjoying ur love to him and the way u fill his life but in return he gives nothing to u and dont want to commit to you !! , let me tell u thanks god he was honest , as mine was dishonest and promised to commit and made me leave my family house to live with him and at the end of the day he treated me so bad and was cheating and lieing to me all the time till i discovered , packed my stuff and left his house miserable and hurted and iam still so !!! dont ignore gods signs , u were lucky at least he was clear to u ......
my advice to quitt him asap and if he wants u hell be back for commitment , otherwise he s playing from the beginning , u r still young and will love again once and twice and more , dont sell urself cheap , u deserve the best , always remember that now is than later , believe me 1 day differs in ur feelings,
i now regret myself that i waited with him hoping for change that never happens.
go ahead and good luck.....
Carla, I just want to tell you that he's doing you a favor. I was in a very similar situation, except my relationship lasted four years. I finally moved abroad and even there I was trying to make it work, then one day, I woke up and realized that I had moved abroad and I was alive and I didn't need him to live. My suggestion to you is to also go abroad and explore your interests and you will see how big the world is and how it's full of so many amazing guys. Also, he's 23 and honestly that is too young for any guy to commit, I'd be scared of someone that young only because people change so much during their 20s. So focus on yourself and what makes you happy and don't waste your time anymore like I did. Good luck and keep in mind that you deserve as much as you give. 🙂
I went through the same experience last year with a man I had known for many years. This saying might help you.
If you love someone let them go free, and if they come back they are yours, and if they don't they never were. Time apart makes people realise what they had with someone. Hope this helps you, keep strong.
"He says that he see's me in his future but that right now he cannot give me what I want, the commitment that I want from him", that is his way of having his cake and eating it too. If you stay and he then breaks it off with you he can easily say, I told you I didn't want a relationship. If he see's you in his future he should want to make sure that no one else comes around and takes you way. Any man who truly loves a woman will not let her go, will commit and will shout from the roof top that he loves her. So girl open up the exit door and give his butt a high five on the way out! I know it's easier said then done because I have been there and it's not fun. Cry into a bottle of wine and move on! 🙂
So regardless of the point n time... When he does this. Let go. Stop rowing the oars for him. Because if he doesnt pick them up. He never will. And that is the best way... Let go. However difficult and see if he was wver worth your heartache. No matter you will have it. Heartache. Now or later. But if youd like to try to jumpstart him just once... Here you go. Better sooner than a year and a half from now... I just learned the hard way and because I figured it out the hard way. He will eventually show up. I let go the oars... But Im not sure I want to be aboard any longer. Comes from doing your situation... Several times... And he told me he WAS committed... All in. Let go and let it be what it must. It will never be what you want if you so not in any case. Nothing worse than turmoil than heartbreak... Unless its endless amounts of turmoil... That is going there anyway. Trust me. Let go and let him pursue. Are you happy now? Really?
If you do not* ...
Dear Carla,
I share how you feel especially when someone you want so badly,and yet you can't have him, not the way you want him to be. I had this experience lately and it still taking me time to get over with someone who I fell for too soon and too deep. My advice to you is take your time to explore your life because you are still so young. Your whole life is ahead of you and like a painter, only you can decide how you want to paint, what colors to put on. Love is amazing, we all know, but at such a young age, you have so much more to enjoy and to experience so why waste your time dwelling on unhappy things. As Jane always said, go live your life, be yourself and love will find you. Outside there is a whole new world waiting for you, if I were you, I will pack up and go experience life while you still can and in your journey, who knows, you may find more interesting people and place and things, and all this could give you a whole new perspective about yourself and your future relationships. I wish you well.
Amy