So What If He Hasn't Called

I remember it all too well. We had exchanged phone numbers, and now the ball was in his court. Then the anxiety would start: Would he call? How long would it take? Why hasn't he called? Did he lose my number? Should I call him? Has it been too long?

There was so much stuff around that all important phone call. Even if he had already made that initial call, it didn't always change. Instead, it became: Would he call again? How long would he wait before he called again? If I call him, will he call me back? If we talked about getting together and then he didn't call, what did that mean? What if the plans weren't firm? How long is too long? And on and on and on.

You get the picture.

And even though we know we can call him if we really want to, if it means more to us to ease our own anxiety than to wonder when or if he'll call, we don't really want to. We just want him to call us.

So because this seems to be an almost universal condition of us loving, giving, well intentioned women, this waiting and wondering why and when we're going to hear from him, I've given this some thought lately. And here's the way I see it:

• We want him to call because it feels so good to be wanted – this makes this about us and our self-esteem, not him calling.
• We want him to call because we really like him and he seems to have so much potential – even though we hardly even know anything about him.
• We want him to call because we're ready for a relationship – again, this is about us, not him. We don't know if he's relationship material yet.
• We want him to call because we want to know we're desirable and loveable and attractive – again, this is about our need for external validation. If we know this about ourselves already (and we do), why do we need him to reinforce it?

Do you see a pattern here? These reasons you want him to call you are all about you. The reality is that you don't know him well enough to know if you even want him to call in the first place! What if he's another player (the fact that he hasn't called yet indicates that he probably is)? What if he was lying and has a girlfriend, or worse, a wife? What if he's going to break your heart by coming on strong and then disappearing at the first sign that you want a commitment from him?

Because the reality is that we always tend to romanticize our first meetings with these guys, even though we really don't know if they are someone we will look back on and regret even giving them our number to begin with! Do you see where I'm going with this? There's so much more to this than just whether or not he calls, and you, my beautiful friend, don't even know if he's worth spending the time and energy having a conversation with, let alone all this time and energy you're spending wondering if he's even going to call in the first place!

Remember, this isn’t about trying to get someone to like you or show an interest in you. If they do, great! Then you can now begin to get to know each other and see whether you're compatible, on the same page and want the same thing.

But if that call never comes, that's OK, too! Because you only want someone in your life who is actively pursuing you and interested in getting to know you better. And if it's not him, there will be someone else; but in the meantime, this is your turn to say, "Next!"