You've heard it said time and time again. You deserve so much more than this! You've even said it yourself more times than you care to remember.
But every time you say it, every time you decide that enough is enough and this time you are finally going to hold out for what you truly deserve, you continue to find yourself back right where you came from. As much as you don't want to.
But what does that really mean?
You think you get it.
You say you know you deserve someone who treats you well, is compatible with you, shares the same values, wants the same things in life, is attractive, communicates with you and has all the other signs of a healthy relationship. But why then, do you keep closing the door on the ones who have all this and do all this, while you keep the door open for the ones who don't?
While it may seem like it's just the common theme that we always want what we can't have, I believe there's another reason that this all-too-common scenario happens to us.
We are drawn to certain types of men and not to others because of our own unfinished business.
Think about it this way: Why would you be attracted to someone who doesn't treat you well if you were confident in who you are and what you have to offer someone? It wouldn't make any logical sense to you if you truly believed in yourself like this. But this is the problem: all too many of us don't.
Sure, we may say that we are confident in ourselves; that we won't put up with certain behaviors.
But notice what happens all too often when we suddenly find ourselves in exactly this situation. Do we do the healthiest thing we could do for our self-esteem and self-confidence and let him know by both our actions and our words that this doesn't work for us?
No. In fact many of us don't even go there.
We simply stay, trying to be more of all that so he'll come back around. But even if we do let him know what we are and aren't OK with, all too often we buckle when it doesn't seem to matter to him. We make excuses for him, we justify his behavior, and become all too understanding until there's nothing left of the beautiful, strong women we really are!
It's because we're not in touch with ourselves.
We might think we are, and we might talk the talk, but the reality is, whenever we accept anything less than behavior that honors and respects our beautiful, true selves, we go down a path that isn't easy to come back from.
A slippery slope.
We set ourselves up for even further heartbreak and disappointment because we're choosing him over ourselves. We allow our need to have him love us to trump our real need to love ourselves and do so by treating ourselves lovingly and by not allowing anything or anyone into our lives that doesn't do this.
Do you see what I mean? Because what we're really trying to do is prove just how loveable we are. And we incorrectly believe that if we can't turn this around and make him love us, then it means there must be something wrong with us. Instead of the real truth, which is that anyone that can treat us this way isn't worth giving a second thought to. Do you see the difference?
It's not easy to change old patterns.
It's never easy to change the way you've been operating. When you're so used to being attracted to the guy who brings up all your absent or emotionally unavailable father issues, or your rescuer complex, or whatever it might be for you, and gives you that chance to finally try to get a different outcome out of him.
When you're so used to having to prove to someone that you really are worthy, or you really can get someone like this.
When you've never known anyone to be there for you and you can't shake this need to finally get someone to stay with you and promise to never leave you.
When everything is about your triggers, your blind spots, that subconscious programming that is behind every kind of attraction you feel, it's time to finally get to those roots that have such a strong hold on what you are choosing now.
See the difference?
Look at what is going on here.
Look at you, look at him.
Honestly answer the question of why you are with him. If you can't say it's because you love him and he loves you and he shows you by the way he treats you that he loves you, then it's time to make some changes.
It's all about that important first step where you finally start to create a shift in your consciousness of thinking a different way.
Whether it's getting professional help with a counselor or a coach, or doing the work on yourself with a supportive friend you can trust, the only way to start attracting what you really deserve and staying away from what you don't is by looking deep within, at that beautiful woman known as you, who deserves to be loved for no other reason than because you are uniquely you.
And until you finally get that, until you finally get to know her well enough to know exactly why you are more than worth what you have been settling for, that guy that you've been missing each and every time isn't going to stand a chance at getting time with you to show you what you've been missing by choosing the other guy.
Trust me on this one; it's true.
The self esteem problem is all too real in me. I used to think most women had it together with their self esteem, but now I see I am not the only one with this problem. That is definitely why I put up with men who just throw crumbs at me and who just simply can't help but do emotional tourism with every girl that gives them a chance.
I have been exploring my insecurities and they are deep-rooted. Childhood experiences that have pretty much made me believe the enormous lie: I am not beautiful. I know I am consciously, but every time there's a boy I may be interested in, this insecurity kicks in. I don't even know how to stop it, but I am trying to change my thoughts about my appearance. I also came to the disturbing realization that even though all the guys I've been chasing after are different, they all have these things in common: They are not obvious womanizers, but they still are. They are extremely sociable and charming, though not super attractive, they know how to play their cards, they are all affectionate way too much, have no relationship with their fathers or a crappy one and of course, they hang out with me for a bit but then they play the "i don't want to get serious" card. Funny enough, after I walk away, they immediately announce being in a "committed" relationship. The girls they choose right after I walk out the door are usually younger than me and somehow weaker, more naive or totally the opposite. And yet, they keep flirting around with other women even if they don't go as far as cheating on their new girlfriend.
I am a little freaked out by this, because I hadn't noticed that before. I feel somehow ashamed that I have picked so badly. The last one was a 36 year old man who after I walked away ended up introducing a 21 year old as a serious girlfriend. I went: are you kidding me? He definitely has issues and I hope that innocent girl realizes he's not good for her. On the upside, I now know that there was nothing wrong with me; he just can't handle a grown up woman and that's why he prefers them too young, so he can continue to lead an inmature lifestyle.
I am feeling really really sad, relieved, ashamed, but still sad. It's all a mix of things. I honestly hope that girl knows how to walk away from a guy who's seriously not good for any self-respecting lady.
This is a huge discovery, Angel! "I also came to the disturbing realization that even though all the guys I've been chasing after are different, they all have these things in common: They are not obvious womanizers, but they still are. They are extremely sociable and charming, though not super attractive, they know how to play their cards, they are all affectionate way too much, have no relationship with their fathers or a crappy one and of course, they hang out with me for a bit but then they play the "i don't want to get serious" card. Funny enough, after I walk away, they immediately announce being in a "committed" relationship. The girls they choose right after I walk out the door are usually younger than me and somehow weaker, more naive or totally the opposite. And yet, they keep flirting around with other women even if they don't go as far as cheating on their new girlfriend."
It's the realization that they've all been the same that allows you to see what's going on - and look at why this type is so attractive to you in the first place - and then recognize this pattern earlier before you find yourself here again. Don't feel ashamed, Angel. This is how we learn, this is how we grow, this is how we get to the root of what's going on for us so we can start to do things differently! Be so proud of yourself for being open enough to see this for what it is!
I'm 46, never been married and I'm one of those girls! Help!
Welcome, Kate. I hope you find some help here in the words of my posts. If you haven't already, I write more about this in my complimentary ebook you can download, and I am currently working on a video course as well.
In the meantime, feel free to reach out with whatever specific problem you're having, and feel the support of the wonderful community of supportive women who understand so much of what you're going through!
My problem is that I pick unavailable men. I also think im dealing with abandonment issues; my father left my mother with 6 kids and wasn't in my life regularly. The most recent "relationship" was with a good friend and before we took our friendship to the next level we actually had a conversation. He, newly divorced, didn't want anything serious, I told him I was ready for a relationship. My father passed away and he was there to comfort me and that's when the relationship went to the next level. 6 weeks in he quit texting daily and I asked why. He apologized and gave me the busy excuse. I didn't text him again and he never texted back either. 10 days later i texted him so I could have my say and move on. I simply said I didn't know what happened but that I miss my friend. NO RESPONSE at all!! It's hard not to feel rejected, but I'm more hurt that he could just let the friendship go instead of just saying I'm not into you. This site has helped so much. My head knows its not me but my heart hurts.
Wow. I am in shock because this article has really opened my eyes. I start therapy this week, and my goal is to find out how to know what I want. I know I have had some lingering resentment from my childhood. I almost feel like my type is someone emotionally unavailable. My hope turns to trying to make it work because I love them enough, because I am good enough....thank you for this post!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Michelle. Know that this awareness of realizing your attraction to someone who is emotionally unavailable is a huge first step in breaking this pattern and finally attracting someone who will love you as you are, with nothing to prove. You are so much more than good enough and you deserve so much more than someone who you ever have to convince to love you!
Hi Jane:
With each article I read the fog clears. This one really is on target for me. It's amazing how even when the real love is served up on a platter it is hard for me to walk away from the unhealthy attraction. Now to just sort out where this need stems from.
Thanks for your support!
I'm so glad you're experiencing this, Tara; thanks for sharing this. It really is a process, a journey of self-discovery that can't be rushed, but is so worth it! 🙂
Thank you, Jane. I had been waiting for this post. And, as usual, you are right on point. 🙂
Thanks, Brenda; I'm glad you enjoyed this one 🙂
Excellent post Jane. I've never understood the whole falling for the badboys thing. I've seen enough girlfriends go through disaster relationships and I'm always thinking "but why?!!" Invariably gorgeous with great spirit and personalities and yet unable to see it themselves. I guess for some its just something they only learn later in life. I'll tweet this out to my followers so anyone in such circumstance can take a good read of this.
Best
Grace
Thanks, Grace - and I so appreciate you passing this along. It really is hard for an outsider to understand this pattern unless you're the one with this attraction. And your observation that it is usually beautiful woman with so much to offer but they don't see this themselves, is so true - and so sad. It is never an easy pattern to break, but it can be done once we realize where the need to have someone like this in our lives comes from and begin our journey from there.
I was like you and picked a stable and wonderful man (alpha males never really attracted me because I like security over excitement) but I also understand the desire for a bad boy even for women in their 40's who are still doing it.
The bad boys provide the excitement, confidence and social status many women desire. Many women suffer low self esteem as a result of childhood, friendships, partners, careers etc. And yes many are very attractive but when self esteem is at it's lowest, that's when many women are attracted to bad boys. We may look after ourselves on the outside and many think the inside is similar to the outside but you'd be saddened to see what abandonment can do to our self esteem. Then, in a state of low self esteem, we/women seek out something to distract us, and what better than the illusion of protection provided by the bad boy, he relieves us from many of those horrible feelings associated with low self esteem (think of a person who has been ostracised or physically bullied), he then abandons us and the cycle continues. It's the universe mirroring our beliefs until we accept we are good no matter what anyone tells us. Then the cycle stops.
In the meantime, we have wonderful websites like this that show us how to stop the cycle of low self esteem.
Exactly, Simstar; thank you for your insightful comment. I appreciate your kind words!
So true Jane I think it comes from us women repeatedly being told that we should be understanding and caring. While being empathetic and caring are wonderful qualities to have in them selves , when women practise being empathetic and caring with pathological or otherwise toxic people it is a recipe for disaster. We need to love ourselves enough not to give away our compassion to everyone who needs it but only to those who are truly deserving of it .When we love approve and validate ourselves enough to do this I think we will find ourselves attracting a healthy relationship. Above all is a firm belief that when we have learned our lessons the universe will stop delivering more difficult lessons to learn. Blessings as always.
I couldn't agree with you more, Ann; you summed that up so beautifully for us!
I think you may have stopped obsessive thinking and progress in a very vulnerable and naive woman. The bit about the universe and our life lessons really struck a cord with me.
Thanks for the message I've been waiting for.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Simstar; you're so very welcome!