Getting to TRUE Love

Finding your YOU that leads to TWO

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Fireworks!

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Are you feeling the fireworks in your relationship? Man and woman silhouette kissing in front of a fireworks displayOn this most American of all American holidays, as I prepare to enjoy the festivities of this beautiful Summer day, culminating in a grand display of fireworks lighting up the night sky over the bay late this evening, I can't help but think of the meaning of fireworks as it pertains to our love lives. Why is it that we refer to that initial feeling of love, those butterflies, that excitement, as fireworks? It’s probably because the explosive, beautiful, surprising, loud, scary exhilaration we feel when watching fireworks is the closest we can come to describing that feeling of early love that we all so long for.

Instant fireworks.

You see, I used to think that if there weren't some instant fireworks, that instant chemistry between me and a guy, well then there just wasn't any reason to continue seeing him.  What I didn't get back then, was that those incredible fireworks that made my heart all aflutter and gave me butterflies in my stomach was actually more about the initial surface attraction and infatuation than about any real intimate connection. It's more about our own insecurities and the elation of being chosen than it is about anything to do with real love.

When I think of some of the guys who I never gave a second chance to, much less a second date, because they didn't elicit those feelings in me, I realize that they might have very well been the ones who would have made the wonderful, caring husband that I truly wanted, as well as the wonderful, caring father to my future children.  The irony is that the ones that were off the Richter scale for me in terms of fireworks, were the ones who were the least healthy, were the most into playing games, and were the fastest to fizzle out after that initial display quickly turned into the grand finale, after which we found ourselves with little in common.

Are early fireworks necessary?

The end result was always the same, with me holding onto nothing more than that initial feeling, hoping to somehow build a relationship around something with no real substance.  Of course that never happened, and each experience only made me waste more time and energy on someone that wasn't right for me while I was missing out on a possible real relationship with someone who had so much more beneath the surface to offer me, only for the lack of initial fireworks.

What I realized in the end, looking back now on those days, was that what I really should have been looking for was a balance between the two. Enough attraction to make me interested (because we all know that there needs to be at least some level of he's kind of cute), but more of the real thing underneath all the hoopla that we often are programmed by the media and our fairy tales to believe love is all about.

No substance.

All too often we think that if we don't have all that in the beginning, there's nothing there worth pursuing.  But the exact opposite is true.  There's nothing more exciting than discovering how attractive and how amazing a connection you can have based on the type of intimacy and attraction that comes from getting to know a real person who is into you as much as you're into them. A real person who is kind, caring, and connects with you on a deep level.

The problem is that we often don't get to the point where we can actually experience that kind of attraction and real love because we get so hung up on having that connection right off the bat. Think about what your girlfriends ask when you go out with a guy for the first time: Were there sparks? Did you feel it?  We're so programmed to look at the surface parts of what we call love that we don't even realize that no relationship can ever be sustained over time with just those initial fireworks. Without the substance of a true solid foundation, those fireworks will be over as quickly as tonight's grand finale.

It's about so much more than that.

It's about so much more than initial fireworks.  It's about the real thing underneath.  The stuff that really matters at the end of the day.  Because at the end of the day, what matters is how much he loves you, how much he cares about you, how much he's willing to participate in a marriage partnership with you where both of you share the responsibilities of running a home and possibly raising a family together. The stuff of real life with its messy moments as much as the fun times. That's real love.

And trust me, once you find that deep connection, the fireworks are better than you can imagine.

It Takes Time

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Beautiful lonely girl dreamin and thinking while waiting for date in the city ocean pier at sunset time.
And courage.

Any type of positive change is a process that takes place over a period of time - be gentle with yourself and allow yourself that time.

In thinking about my last post about things I would do differently knowing what I now know, I realized that I forgot to mention something very important -  this process took me a long time. And I didn't find the love of my life right after I started changing what I was doing. It took time.

Changing yourself takes time.

This learning about ourselves and getting to the roots of why we keep attracting the wrong guys takes time. This looking deep within to figure out why. This learning to start saying no to the ones we've come to call our type and to start opening our eyes to the ones who just might be our real type. It all takes time. This is all the work of getting in touch with ourselves and charting a new path to ourselves first, and then to another human being.  It's never quick or painless.

Awareness is the first step.

Awareness is always the first step, but the actual change in who we're attracting, the types of men we're still attracted to, the deeply ingrained patterns and habits of ourselves and our relationships and the way we date, the way we are with this whole meeting and attracting and relating to men in healthy, confident ways - this all takes time. And courage. And strength. And energy. And the ability to be honest with ourselves and others. To be real. To refuse to give up when it seems to be taking too long and we're not seeing any tangible progress.

I remember when I began having all those aha moments as I began reading the first self-help books I would discover after the end of my most devastating break-up.  I figured I was breaking so much ground with understanding what had happened and why, that I would surely start attracting a healthier guy and relationship the very next time.  But it didn't happen like that. He was still almost the same guy, just a different name and look, because I still hadn't gotten to the deep roots of my dating and attraction patterns. That would take much longer; much more work, much more uncovering what was really going on with my patterns and types. Because change like this always takes time.

Two steps forward, one step back.

So think of it as two steps forward, one step backward. Baby steps. Change takes time. Getting real and honest and applying what our inner self knows to be true about what we really deserve and living like we actually believe it, takes time. Learning to say no when all we want is to be loved, takes time. Learning to respect ourselves enough to let something with so much potential walk away when it's hurting us more often than it's loving us, takes time.  Learning to take a chance on something new and different when we're not feeling it right away, takes time.  Learning to put ourselves first instead of deferring to what he wants, takes time. Learning to refuse to settle for those crumbs that can feel oh so good, takes time. Remembering who we are, all that we have to offer, and that we deserve nothing less than someone who loves us the way we are so deserving to be loved, takes time.

Go easy on yourself.

So if it's taking you longer than you'd like to realize and really understand these truths, be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. And know that reminding yourself as often as possible that you are beautiful (you are!), you deserve to be loved (it's true!), and that you have amazing gifts to bring into a relationship (you do!), will make it real.

Ten Things I Would Do Differently

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Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I wouldn't be so scared.

… if I could do it all over again.

1. I would spend less time worrying about how we were ever going to find each other.

I would know when we were both truly ready for each other, we would find each other.

2. I wouldn’t try so hard to change myself to be what he wanted me to be.

I would know I didn’t have to be anything except myself.

3. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to relationships that didn’t honor or respect who I was inside.

I would know that I deserved better than crumbs and that it was only by refusing to settle for anything less than what I deserved that I would finally get it right.

4. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to another him that I thought was the best I was going to get.

I would know that no guy, no matter how amazing or wonderful (or whatever he is), is worth losing myself for.

5. I wouldn’t be so scared of being alone.

I would know that it’s in being alone that I learn who I am, what I’m about, and what makes me me.

6. I wouldn’t be so scared that someone else was going to find him first.

I would know that scarcity is a lie that we’re brought up, but it’s not true. There’s always enough of everything if we believe it – even if we’re talking about men.

7. I wouldn’t be so scared that the art of finding Mr. Right was somehow in everyone else but not me. That they had the magic in them but not me.

I would know that everyone has the magic in them just by being alive and that I didn’t ever have to be afraid of missing him.

8. I wouldn’t wonder if I was worth someone looking for me and waiting to find me, too.

I would know that I have worth just because I exist.

9. I wouldn’t think that finding him (and keeping him) was about using some magical formula, or some perfect prescription, or playing games or any other manipulative tactics.

I would know that it’s about being real, honest, and authentic; without the games, the acting, the manipulating and the pretending.

10. I wouldn’t be so worried that it was never going to happen to me because I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t deserving enough.

I would know that dreams really do come true, even for me, no matter where I’ve been, what I’ve done or what I’ve been through.

…because that’s the key. It’s not about him, it’s about you. It’s about getting out and doing the things you enjoy, living the life that you were meant to live. And it’s in doing those things that one day, somehow, somewhere, without you even knowing it, that’s when it’s going to happen. Your dream. Your happily after after. The real thing. At exactly the time that you are both ready for each other; and not one moment before.

How about you? What would you do differently? Tell us about it in the comments!

The Essence of You

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Beautiful woman walking in the field and runs hand through the high dry grass in autumn.
It's all that really matters.

The more single women I work with the more I’m convinced that beauty, intelligence, success, wealth, and attractiveness do not correlate with an increased ability to attract the right Mr. Right.  For every woman who may seem to have it all (or at least have something that we think we're missing that we need to attract a man) the story they tell in reality is one that is all too similar to the rest of us.Continue Reading

5 Ways To Be More Confident On A Date

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5 ways to be more confident on a dateWe've all been there, those nervous hours (and for some of us that are more anxiety prone, days) before a date with a guy you either just met or recently started dating that you're just so, well, into. You want to make a good impression and you start obsessing about everything from your hair, to what on earth you're going to wear, to those extra few pounds that you want to lose so badly. It's enough to drive a beautiful single girl crazy, and for most of us that's exactly what it does.

Well, I've got good news for you – I'm going to give you a handful of go-to tools that you can use before that big date to get you ready to present him with your best, most confident, and, most importantly, calm self!

1. Make plans with friends or family.

Make sure you have plans for the hours before the date so that you will be distracted from over thinking things. So if your date is for Saturday night, connect up with a friend and head out for the afternoon so that you don't have too much time to stress about your upcoming date. Worst case, Mom always loves to see you – invite her out for brunch, shopping, or to check out that new art gallery you heard about. Make sure that whatever you're doing together leaves you with just a bit more time than it takes you to get ready for the date, so you won't be stressed getting ready but you also won't have time to obsess over the little things.

If you're stuck and everyone you know is otherwise engaged, then spend the time on your own enjoying something you love doing. You'll get a bonus if the activity involves exercising – the endorphin rush will give you a mood boost to last throughout the date. The point is that being busy and spending time with friends or doing something you love will elevate your mood and put you in the right mindset to feel relaxed and happy during your date, and that's very attractive.

2. Picture it going well.

While you're getting ready for the date, imagine yourself with him feeling very relaxed and comfortable like being out with one of your longtime friends. The two of you are talking easily, laughing together, he enjoys being with you and you're really connecting. Think of a great time you had with a good friend and picture it feeling just like that (only better). The better you can visualize the date, the better it will be.

3. Focus on something other than yourself.

When we focus on ourselves, how we're speaking, what we're saying, where our hands are, etc., we become overly self-conscious and this tends to make us nervous. Instead focus on him; if he's talking really hear what he's saying, and make sure your response has nothing to do with you. For example, if he's telling you a story about his dog acknowledge his story first (Oh, that's such a cute story!) then ask him more details – what kind of dog? How long has he had it? etc. before delving into the story about your own dog or the one you had as a kid.

We're all guilty of thinking about what we can tell someone about ourselves while they're in the middle of telling us their story (many times we're even scripting our own story in our head while he's talking – don't worry, it's natural). If you spend your time focusing on him and what he's saying instead of yourself, you'll learn more about him and you'll be less nervous – a win-win. Once he's clearly through with talking, or better yet, asks you about yourself, then you can tell him your own cute dog stories.

4. Remember it's supposed to be fun.

Remind yourself that dating is supposed to be fun, and if you're so worried about every little thing you say or every little detail about how you look or what you're wearing, then it's not fun. So spend some time looking and feeling your best, know that you are looking and feeling your best, then stop worrying about it. You did everything you can do. Now it's just a matter of seeing if the date is actually fun and if there's enough compatibility to justify date number two (hint: there always should be, unless there was one of these dealbreakers).

The point is, just be yourself and know that if he's not that into you then it's a blessing. You only want to be with men that are into you the way you really are. Otherwise, you have to be something different your entire life, and that's no fun.

5. Remember that you're doing the choosing.

Last but not least, always remember that you're in the position of doing the choosing. He may seem like he's the perfect guy for you, but remind yourself that you really don't know much about him yet. Tell yourself that he still has to prove himself to you in order to win your precious heart – after all, you're not going to give it away to just anyone. Not to the point of making it seem like an interview or being standoffish -  but enough to make sure that you aren't putting him up on such an unrealistic pedestal that you feel like he's out of your league. He isn't; he's just a person, just like you are, and that's why you're here – to get to know more about each other so you can both decide if you are a good match.

With this type of healthy mindset you'll be much more confident going into and during the date. Being confident and self-assured is not only very attractive, but it's essential to keep yourself from falling for a guy who is actually not right for you.

What do you do to ease the pre-date jitters? Tell us about it in the comments!

Filling the Void

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A beautiful woman sids under a tree in autumn feeling sad and lonely.
It's like an awkward silence.

Frequently, whether we're currently in a relationship or we're single, we find ourselves looking for something, longing for something, and we're not sure exactly what it is. We're feeling empty inside, like there's a hollow space within us that we are desperately looking to fill in any way that we can.

So often what we’re really looking for is ourselves.  We’ve gone so far away from our true selves that we don’t even know who we are anymore, much less that we are anything worth being with. We've done so much changing to fit what he wanted us to be, or what we thought he wanted us to be, that we don't even know who we are anymore.

We’ve drifted so far away from who we really are that it’s uncomfortable, like an awkward silence, when we’re alone with no one to make us feel worthy.  Without someone else in our lives to make us feel validated, to make us feel chosen, to make us feel worthy, we find ourselves searching for that missing piece of us, for something to fill that void, something to make us feel whole, complete.

The point that we're completely missing is that we are whole; we are complete, in and of ourselves, without anyone else, without a guy. We don’t need anyone else to make us ok.

But that’s not how we feel.  Whether it’s how we’re brought up or from the messages we receive from our culture, from our peer groups, from our families, from our schools, we’re given the opposite message: that there is something wrong with us.

And then all it takes is a relationship or two with someone who wasn’t a whole person himself to confirm that message so deep within us that we’re not worthy, that there is indeed something wrong with us, and that rejection further cements our unconscious belief that we need something outside of ourselves to complete us.

But that couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is we don’t need anyone to complete us. We don’t need anyone or anything outside of ourselves to validate us, make us a whole, to prove our worthiness. The reality is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We’re not damaged goods.

It may be difficult to believe this, at first, but if you keep reminding yourself you will finally begin to believe the truth – that you are beautiful, you have so much worth, and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect and kindness.

And you are complete within yourself.

Because it's only when we really understand this truth, that we are complete within ourselves, that we are able to be a part of a healthy relationship with someone else.

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