Archives for 2012

Don't Give Yourself Away

A beautiful woman being swept off her feet by good looking man — Make him prove himself to you first.

3 months? She laughed. I couldn't do that, Jane!

I was telling a single friend of mine about a client who waited a few months before becoming intimate with the guy she was dating because she wanted to make sure he wasn't just interested in sleeping with her, but actually wanted the same commitment she was looking for.

She believed she had a right to have sex, to be intimate, on her terms when she wanted it - not just something men get to do - and she wasn't going to give that up. She did have that right, but it came with a price, too.

Here's what this looks like in real life.

You're going to think you've finally found what you're looking for.

He's going to seem so different from the rest. He'll show you all the signs of being into you and you'll feel like all the work you've been doing on yourself is finally paying off. He's going to seem genuine.Continue Reading

The Truth About Healthy Relationships

2 Comments

It's been so long since you've had anything resembling a healthy relationship, you don't even know what one looks like. Until now. It's time to start at the beginning, forgetting everything you think a relationship is all about and what it feels like because right now your relationship gauge is pointing up when it’s supposed to be pointing down. It's not working, and we're going to fix it. It’s OK. It’s not your fault. We’re going to help you get your relationship gauge fixed so that you can recognize a real, authentic, healthy relationship in the future when it's pointing you in the opposite direction.

It all begins with forgetting everything we think we know about relationships. Now, here’s the part we want to learn for the first time. Like learning to read or write, we’re learning together how to have a healthy relationship that makes us (get this part) H-A-P-P-Y. Yes! Happy! Remember that? Remember what that felt like when you actually felt happy? In a relationship?

It's quite possible you might never have known what it’s really like to feel happy in a relationship. Because the happy I’m talking about here isn't the kind where when he finally shows up at your door or calls after you've had a search party out looking for him and made calls to the local hospitals and the morgue – not that kind. That’s the kind where we've been so low in the gutter, completely devoid of any trace of our self-esteem, that by the time we see him alive we’re feeling so relieved he’s still choosing us that we think we're happy.

But really; is that happiness? Are you really happy in this relationship or is it just that you’re unhappy so much of the time that when anything happens remotely resembling a man caring about us, or at least still choosing to be with us, we feel the opposite of what we usually feel like, so we honestly think we’re happy?

I know. This is tough. I understand all too well. It’s not easy peeling back some of the layers of the feelings and coping behaviors we've had for so long (read: denial) to reveal the truth. I really do get that. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that this relationship just might not be the equivalent of what happiness is all about (even though everyone else around us may be pointing this out). I know firsthand that denial can run pretty deep when we’re talking about having to do something about this relationship we’re so desperately believing we can change by just being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, sexy enough, enough, enough, enough!

Do you get that? I know that’s tough to hear, but, my beautiful dear friends, it’s the truth! This is not how it’s supposed to be! We are not supposed to be in relationships with guys who treat us in such ways that we lose our entire equilibrium of which end is up. It's really not supposed to be this way! Do you see that, even a little? It’s OK if you don’t. Just know we’re going to get you there together.

Here's a hint: Separate date nights are not the way the weekends are supposed to go. People in healthy authentic relationships actually want to be together. They just genuinely like being together, so it happens. They don’t have rigid rules about how or when or where it can happen. It just does. It’s not supposed to be complicated. Getting together is not complicated when you’re in a real relationship with a real guy who really likes being with you and you really like being with him. Mutual. Together. Easy. Those are the words you’re looking for.

It feels effortless, easy, not complicated. Not filled with dramatic highs and lows and fighting and making up and more fighting and making up and more drama and more fighting and more anxiety and more drama … do you see a theme here? That’s not how it’s supposed to be even if to you right now that feels like someone cares about you. That’s not what all that means. I’m going to tell you what it really means. Read this slowly. It means your guy is unhealthy, the relationship’s unhealthy, and there’s no way you can be healthy if you’re with the unhealthy guy in the unhealthy relationship. Do you see that at all? It’s like simple math. 2+2=4, not 3 or 5 or some other number. You can’t have an unhealthy guy and an unhealthy relationship and have a healthy you.

But if you're in this so deep that you’re not ready to consider the reality of that yet, that’s OK. We’re going to get you there, but it takes time. But please hear me when I tell you that one day you really will look back on this and be so glad you listened to that little voice that’s so soft and hard to hear right now, saying it really is time to let go, you can do this, you can (gulp) be on your own. I know, I used to gulp too. What? ME? Leave HIM? Like right NOW? Before I've given him his 1001 chance to see just how wonderful I am and how much he needs to change and start treating me right because I really am all that?

The part where you really start to believe this comes next. After you open your eyes to the reality of what is going on here. Shifts in seeing always happen in baby steps. Not overnight. Just hold that thought for a minute and listen to what you're hearing here. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the world of you just because you’re you. Not because of anything you feel like you have to do.

You see, that’s the whole point. If you’re in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to do or be anything except be yourself. And do what your real self does. It’s not about pleasing anybody or doing what you know they’d like you to be or do, it’s about a real give and take. The real thing where you share the real you and he shares the real him.

Equally.

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

26 Comments

You know this scenario all too well. He's not calling you as often as you'd like; he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you; you're feeling taken for granted. You're not sure what to do to turn things around, but you don't want to lose him; you've never felt the way you do about him with anyone else before and you don't want to risk losing him by saying how much you want more than he's giving you right now. But still your heart longs for more from him, and you struggle with just how much to say or not to say and what to do with all of this.

Where do you go from here?

You have a couple options. You can talk to him. You can tell him how you feel. You can let him know what you need from him. You can have that heart to heart talk that he doesn't want to have, but you need to have. You can try to change him by telling him all of this and more. You can hope that by communicating your needs directly with him, he'll know what he needs to do and make those changes you want.

And he might.

But the reality is, all too often it doesn't work out that way. And you only feel worse after talking with him; he doesn't respond well and subtly pulls away even further and you're left regretting saying anything in the first place. Which makes you feel even more scared of losing him, makes you cling onto him all that much more, making you feel more insecure and doubting yourself in the process. It's a cycle that can lead to that all too common place where that unhealthy push and pull pattern comes into play, with us pushing for more and him pulling away, a pattern that can be so difficult to change once it tugs on our deep-seated insecurities that stem from our own abandonment issues, and his feelings of being stifled that come from his own background issues. The more you feel triggered, the more he feels triggered, and before you know it, your relationship can become more about everything going on beneath the surface than it is about the two of you!

Or you have another option.

Instead of talking to him, you can choose to look at yourself. Instead of telling him what you need him to do differently, you can show him by your actions and your behavior exactly what your boundaries are. Instead of the focus being on him, the focus is instead on someone you can actually change; yourself! Instead of depending on someone else to do something different and change to give you what you need, by choosing to focus on you, he doesn't feel smothered, and your feelings of security and confidence in the relationship (and thus your self-esteem) aren't dependent on what he does or doesn't do, and you're not looking for him to prove how much he cares about you by whether or not he responds to your requests – when in reality his response is about how much he is feeling out of control and smothered and not about how much he cares about you!

Do you see the difference?

So if you want him to call you more, instead of telling him you want him to call you more, you don't return his calls right away, or even at all. And not because you're playing games with him, but because you're focusing on you and making you the priority. You're dating more than just him because he hasn't shown you that he's exclusive with you yet. Or worthy of being exclusive for! You're focused on the things you enjoy, you're keeping a full life of your own while you're watching to see where this might lead. You're out there doing things, finding your passion, following your dreams and not staying at home waiting for the phone to ring or continuously checking to see if your cell phone ringer is on in case he calls! You're living your life first and foremost with the focus on you as the icing on the cake, and not a relationship with him!

If you want him to make plans with you earlier in the week before the weekend rolls around, you let him know you already have plans if he doesn't ask you until Friday morning. Because you do already have plans! You didn't wait around for him this time to see if he was going to ask. You went ahead and made your own plans without waiting around for him this time. Sure, you prefer to do something with him. But the reality is, the only way he's going to get the message and start making his plans with you earlier, is if he sees that you require this of him. By your actions! By the fact that you're busy when he finally calls you!

It may take a while.

It may take a while to get used to this new side of you; this confident, self-assured version of yourself that you never knew you had in you. But the reality is, if you want him to treat you differently, if you want to start having the type of relationship that you want with him on your own terms, without you on the begging end, but with you feeling like he's finally treating you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, the way you deserve to be loved, then this is how it happens.

This is the real you!

You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

The key is just remembering this yourself, believing in yourself, and having the confidence and self esteem to know this is the real you.

How To Know You're Getting Closer To A Real Relationship

7 Comments

Don't doubt yourself on this journey. It doesn't matter where you've come from or what you've been through. It doesn't matter how many times you feel you've repeated the same mistakes or how many times you've attracted the same type of guy. None of that matters.

What matters is how each experience brings you closer to what you're really looking for. With every heartbreak, with every disappointment, you learn and you grow. You get to know yourself better and you get a clearer sense of what you're willing to put up with and what you're going to be picky about.

You learn to be more flexible in some areas and less in others. You learn what feels good and what feels awful. You stretch, you constrict, you ebb and you flow. You see things more clearly; the fog lifts just that much more.

You start to learn that it really does matter that you know yourself well enough to know who it is you're really looking for. Your list changes to reflect the you you're discovering and learning to embrace in love. You revise it to reflect what is most compatible with the real you and not some version of yourself that you thought was really you. You begin to understand why being emotionally available and having the ability to commit to a real relationship are the number one and two must-haves on your list. You begin to see why how he treats you matters more than any item on your list.

You stop making excuses for anyone. You start rightly expecting him to pull his own weight and refuse to keep anyone around who brings you down. You stop expecting someone to complete you and make your life over and instead, you realize what you most want is someone who is a real person who you can have an honest, open, loving relationship with. You start living in reality instead of the fantasy that felt so familiar because you thought you needed to be rescued. You finally see that you don't need anyone to come and rescue you; you hold the key to your own happiness.

You stop beating around the bush and you start coming right out and saying what it is you're looking for. First to yourself, and then to him. You begin to really get that it's only by communicating honestly with any potential new guy that you can both find out quicker if you're on the same page or wasting your time. You stop pleasing. You stop placating. You stop being whatever someone else wants you to be. You stop living up to someone else's unrealistic expectations of you and start listening to that soft inner voice that knows you better than anyone else.

And this time, you actually believe it.

7 Reasons To Be Thankful While Single This Thanksgiving

10 Comments

A beautiful woman is happy, playing in the leaves while thinking of what she's thankful for. — Here are 7 things that are easy to be thankful for.

Here in the United States it’s that time of year again: Thanksgiving.

The start of another wonderful holiday season filled with joy, laughter, and for some of us that just can’t bear the thought of going through another holiday season all alone, misery.

I remember all too well the sinking feeling I would have as I entered into another long Thanksgiving weekend, wondering how on earth I was going to get through yet another one feeling painfully single.

That’s when I would force myself to remember what this holiday is all about: being thankful for the good things in your life.

Each one of us has some wonderful things in our lives that we love, so it's time to think of what yours are and write them down, with a pen and paper.

This act of writing things down helps to cement them in our minds and make them more real, more touchable, and more memorable.Continue Reading

5 Signs He Really Is That Into You

6 Comments

So you've gone out on several dates, he’s been very romantic, sending you flowers, taking you to wonderful restaurants, and generally sweeping you off of your feet. You’re starting to think you’d like to take the relationship to the next level. But how do you know he’s not just an experienced player that’s putting his time in until he’s had his fun, only to leave you in a dusty heap, brokenhearted once again while he goes back to cavorting with his buddies looking for his next conquest? How do you know he'll actually stick around if you allow yourself to get closer to him?

Well, forget about the flashy gifts, romantic poems, and serenading you beneath your window at midnight. While those things are certainly wonderful and oh so romantic, they’re not the true tell-tale signs that he’s in it for the long haul. Lots of guys can be over the top romantic when they're on the hunt. Here are the much more subtle signs that you should be on the lookout for if you want to know if your new guy is ever going to turn into real relationship guy material:

1.) He’s tries hard to make you happy

Men want to take care of a woman they care about. They’re wired for that – they want to do things for us, to protect us, provide for us and ultimately they want to make us happy. Guys are do-ers and they show us they care by doing things for us. If he waxes your car or changes your oil (or at least takes them in for you), or if he goes out of his way to make sure that he always has your favorite yogurt in his fridge when you come over, those are very good signs he's really into you. Bonus points if he brings you hot chicken noodle soup and a copy of Bridget Jones' Diary when you're on the couch feeling ill, gives you a kiss on the forehead, and then leaves you alone.

2.) He thinks you look great at your worst

When he looks at you the same way whether you're all dolled up for a night out on the town or it's Saturday morning and he sees you with no makeup, your hair pulled back, and wearing sweats, that's a good sign. All men love it when we do ourselves up for them, but it's the guy who's in it for real that still has eyes for us when we're in frumpy mode.

3.) He wants to show you off

He’s not hiding his Facebook page from you, and in fact, you’re predominately on it. A guy that's really into you wants the world to know it, and he has nothing to hide. You see, if he’s really into you then he’s not holding out hope that something better will come along, which means that there's no reason to hide the fact that the two of you are an item.

4.) He calls you often

And you actually have real conversations, talking about things like your personal history, what your childhood was like, where you went to school, what you like and don’t like to do, etc. It shows that he’s interested in more than just your beautiful curves and gorgeous eyes – he wants to know what’s behind those eyes and what makes them sparkle and shine. It shows that he actually cares about you, the person, not just you, the hottie.

5.) He introduces you to his buddies and his family

He’s not afraid to make you part of his life; in fact, he can't wait to introduce you to everyone that's close to him. He wants you to be a part of his life, and that means taking you to his favorite places and introducing you to his favorite people. You may not want to hang out with his friends or his family, but the fact that he wants you to is a sure sign he thinks you're a keeper.

If you see several (or, better yet, all) of these signs then you can feel very confident that your guy sees you as the real thing. And if he sees you as the real thing, he's very likely to commit to a real relationship with that beautiful woman otherwise known as you!

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31

Don't Give Yourself Away

Here's what this looks like in real life.

The Truth About Healthy Relationships

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

Where do you go from here?

And he might.

Or you have another option.

Do you see the difference?

It may take a while.

This is the real you!

How To Know You're Getting Closer To A Real Relationship

7 Reasons To Be Thankful While Single This Thanksgiving

5 Signs He Really Is That Into You

1.) He’s tries hard to make you happy

2.) He thinks you look great at your worst

3.) He wants to show you off

4.) He calls you often

5.) He introduces you to his buddies and his family

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar