You know this scenario all too well. He's not calling you as often as you'd like; he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you; you're feeling taken for granted. You're not sure what to do to turn things around, but you don't want to lose him; you've never felt the way you do about him with anyone else before and you don't want to risk losing him by saying how much you want more than he's giving you right now. But still your heart longs for more from him, and you struggle with just how much to say or not to say and what to do with all of this.
Where do you go from here?
You have a couple options. You can talk to him. You can tell him how you feel. You can let him know what you need from him. You can have that heart to heart talk that he doesn't want to have, but you need to have. You can try to change him by telling him all of this and more. You can hope that by communicating your needs directly with him, he'll know what he needs to do and make those changes you want.
And he might.
But the reality is, all too often it doesn't work out that way. And you only feel worse after talking with him; he doesn't respond well and subtly pulls away even further and you're left regretting saying anything in the first place. Which makes you feel even more scared of losing him, makes you cling onto him all that much more, making you feel more insecure and doubting yourself in the process. It's a cycle that can lead to that all too common place where that unhealthy push and pull pattern comes into play, with us pushing for more and him pulling away, a pattern that can be so difficult to change once it tugs on our deep-seated insecurities that stem from our own abandonment issues, and his feelings of being stifled that come from his own background issues. The more you feel triggered, the more he feels triggered, and before you know it, your relationship can become more about everything going on beneath the surface than it is about the two of you!
Or you have another option.
Instead of talking to him, you can choose to look at yourself. Instead of telling him what you need him to do differently, you can show him by your actions and your behavior exactly what your boundaries are. Instead of the focus being on him, the focus is instead on someone you can actually change; yourself! Instead of depending on someone else to do something different and change to give you what you need, by choosing to focus on you, he doesn't feel smothered, and your feelings of security and confidence in the relationship (and thus your self-esteem) aren't dependent on what he does or doesn't do, and you're not looking for him to prove how much he cares about you by whether or not he responds to your requests – when in reality his response is about how much he is feeling out of control and smothered and not about how much he cares about you!
Do you see the difference?
So if you want him to call you more, instead of telling him you want him to call you more, you don't return his calls right away, or even at all. And not because you're playing games with him, but because you're focusing on you and making you the priority. You're dating more than just him because he hasn't shown you that he's exclusive with you yet. Or worthy of being exclusive for! You're focused on the things you enjoy, you're keeping a full life of your own while you're watching to see where this might lead. You're out there doing things, finding your passion, following your dreams and not staying at home waiting for the phone to ring or continuously checking to see if your cell phone ringer is on in case he calls! You're living your life first and foremost with the focus on you as the icing on the cake, and not a relationship with him!
If you want him to make plans with you earlier in the week before the weekend rolls around, you let him know you already have plans if he doesn't ask you until Friday morning. Because you do already have plans! You didn't wait around for him this time to see if he was going to ask. You went ahead and made your own plans without waiting around for him this time. Sure, you prefer to do something with him. But the reality is, the only way he's going to get the message and start making his plans with you earlier, is if he sees that you require this of him. By your actions! By the fact that you're busy when he finally calls you!
It may take a while.
It may take a while to get used to this new side of you; this confident, self-assured version of yourself that you never knew you had in you. But the reality is, if you want him to treat you differently, if you want to start having the type of relationship that you want with him on your own terms, without you on the begging end, but with you feeling like he's finally treating you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, the way you deserve to be loved, then this is how it happens.
This is the real you!
You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
The key is just remembering this yourself, believing in yourself, and having the confidence and self esteem to know this is the real you.
My mother used to say, "Well, wouldn't that just corn ya!?" I've never heard anyone else say that. She would say it when something totally unexpected happened that was baffling and annoying and irritating, but she was not going to let it get to her. Her tone was partly humorous and partly edgy. I can see her shaking her head and half-frowning. It is occurring to me now that her words came from a place of self-esteem or, at least, self-preservation.
It's been nearly two months since I last took a walk with the man I had been so hopeful about. We did talk briefly the day before Thanksgiving (which he was planning to spend with his adult children and granddaughter), but after that he didn't call me, and I decided to stop calling him. I did have one weak moment when called him a few weeks ago, but he didn't return the phone call.
I am working today (Christmas Eve) and noticed his phone number on my caller ID. I didn't pick up the phone.
I felt angry tears welling up as I looked at his phone number. I am in the early stages of going on with my life again (maybe for the first time). I have been honest with myself about what I want in a relationship, and he has not been able to give me that. He is not a bad person. He is just one of those troubled men who don't know how to be in relationship. He has not been in a committed relationship since his wife took their children and left him 25 years ago. He has been a good father to his children and a respectful ex-husband.
Why am I standing up for him? Why don't I stand up for myself?
I remembered another difficult relationship where a man I had loved sent me a vase of red roses months after I had last heard from him. I was so angry at him that I took the flowers to the chapel at the hospital and left them there, knowing someone else would enjoy looking at them. As angry as I was, I couldn't throw them in a dumpster. I tried to let the roses and him go, but I found myself going back to the chapel to look at them until they were removed. I find it so difficult to let go.
Given that this attempt at relationship (after giving up on relationships for many years) had not seemed to be going anywhere without my keeping it going, I finally found the strength to truly let go of him earlier this month. It has been very difficult but I want to be true to myself this time.
I Googled "Why do I feel so angry when he finally called me?" and I found my way to this page on your website. Just like last spring! I have learned so much from you and this community since then.
Right how I am feeling afraid to listen to his message, if there is one. The way my mind works, too, is that it is telling me that his cell phone probably called me accidentally. My feelings are so mixed. Curious, angry, suspicious. Frightened (now what do I do?). I almost hope that his cell phone called me accidentally. Then I am off the hook. I feel too angry right now to engage with him.
Maybe that is a good sign. Anger. I deserve better than this.
I need to get back to work. I am giving him the power to throw me off the balance I have worked so hard for.
I want to detach from him with love, not anger. He is the way he is. I am the way I am. I am worthy of true love.
Before I go back to work, I have found the courage to listen to the message. It was brief. He said that he wanted to wish me a Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year on this sunny Christmas Eve afternoon and that he would talk with me another time.
Of course I have mixed feelings, and I can detach with love. I can take the message at face value. It is a simple straightforward message after a long silence. He asks nothing of me. He makes no promises. He never has. He is thinking of me today. I was thinking of him in the past tense today until he called. Now I need to be present for myself. I need to be true to myself.
I wish he hadn't called.
And I need to get back to work. It's good that I am self-employed!
Thank you for being there and understanding how this feels.
I loved your mother's saying. I'm taking that one for myself from now on. Thank you for that. It's a great one.
I understand that anger. I so do. What I have learned is that that anger pops up for me because deep down I know these men are being selfish by showing up again. It's not about me, it's all about them. I find that anger has propelled me to move on definitively and quickly when I have used it. I channel it into never returning their messages, blocking them and just moving on. That's usually how my healing process begins. It begins with sadness and pain, but quickly they turn to anger. I prefer anger because of that. It roots me out of hoping and idealizing someone who's wrong for me.
Be patient with yourself and see your anger as a gift. It is.
Merry Christmas to you. Don't give him your power.
I know i'm late to the party, but I can't help but notice that this is the pattern for these men to show up. A bucket of flowers, a non-committal text message. No real apology, no commitment.
Yep - I love stories of men who do regular things those first dates. I've got so much more confidence in them!
Always here, Ella, and understanding how this feels more than you know! I'm so glad you're leaning so much here! It's your new spring. 🙂 Anger gives us all kind of information in the fastest way to get it to us - let it guide you to that innermost layer where all your answers can be found. Anger is just a cover for something so much deeper. Yes, you absolutely deserve better; get clear on why you do and you're most of the way there!
Well said!
So glad this resonated with you, Kaylene!
What if it backfires? If I try not to be so clingy and available lije I have been and he gets mad and tells me okay just wait. And he begins to do the same things I was doing to him but in a vindictive way. Basically saying karma is a b and he starts ignoring me.. then what?
It won't "backfire" if it's real, Marie, if your actions are coming from an authentic place that reflects your true boundaries and who you really are, and you're not just "pretending" to be someone you're not. That's the key here; it has to come from you in a way that's authentic -anything else will show through.
I don't ever put comments , but I do have to say thank you so much for writing thing I really needed this
Thank you, Rita. I'm so glad this article was what you needed!
Hi Jane,
Came across ur website last night and i just couldn't stop reading all of it.
I've been in a relationship with this guy for two months. Things went so well in the beginning and when we had our first argument about my ex boyfriend, he mentioned that things went very fast for us so there is no reason to take it slow anymore. I agreed to it, i made him realised that i am totally over my ex and things were fine,
A week after that he started to withdraw a little bit, there were less phonecalls. He was even reluctant when i mentioned that i would like to meet him during Christmas. That Christmas morning when he said his parents are coming and that i need to leave his house, i felt so rejected and cried in front of him. Things just went worse afterwards.
When we met afterwards he just mentioned how i could get so emotionally attached to someone i just know. In his opinion, there were so many stages before reaching a boyfriend girlfriend stage, this includes the going out stage, dating not exclusively and dating exclusively before becoming a boyfriend.
I felt so stupid when hearing this but still decided to compromise as i dont want to lose him. Just recently i found out that he is actually still meeting his ex gf regularly, when i confronted him about it, he asked me to give him time to think. He felt that he owes his ex because they had abortion together before and now his ex is diagnosed with some sickness which makes her unable to concieve anymore.
It has been three weeks that i havent heard from him, he was away on business trip and i saw his ex actively commented on his fb activities.
I am not sure what i need to do now.
Should i just let go or should i wait for his decision.
Thanks Jane!
Help needed please.
He got in touch with me last night wanting to see me, I didn't reply as it was far to late in the evening for my liking. I feel stronger for not acting on his text but I'm not sure what to do next. He needs to know I won't put up with the last minute texts, I want a real date, plans made a few days before etc....What can I do to make him see I am my own person, I don't need him (like this) I want him to want me and treat me with more respect. Should I continue to ignore for a while and see what he does next?
The more you show him, the more he'll see this, Sam. It takes awhile for someone to see that we're going about things a different way now - and not settling for old patters of behaviors. I wouldn't think of this as playing games with him, as much as taking the focus off of him and putting where it should be - on you. If you haven't already read my post on being hard to get, not playing hard to get, you may find it helpful as you sort through this. And if you haven't already communicated this directly to him, make sure you do that. Sometimes someone who's going to get there eventually - and is truly right for you and on your page - simply needs these reminders along the way. 🙂
I have told him before that I can't do this hit and miss thing anymore. He told me he would try harder, but not much changed, so my only option left was for me to step back and see if he missed me enough to do something about it. I have read your "being hard to get" post and that is what I'm trying to do. I do keep my options open even though my heart isn't really in it. I will keep doing as I'm doing and will see what his next move is. At the end of the day I have nothing to lose by doing this and maybe I might have something to gain by standing my ground with him.
Exactly, Sam; in time, it always becomes more clear what's really going on. If you've already talked to him about it and now you've stepped back to allow him to fill in the space, you'll soon come to see the reality of what you have and where he's at -and if you're both on the same page here. I completely understand about your heart not being in it when you try to keep your options open. If it helps, remember that this is a mindset more than anything else; that you're worth being with someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved and sees all that you are and all that you have to offer and doesn't need to be convinced of why he should want to be with you!
This is so spot on for me, I have done the back off to see what he does next. When he contacts me, I will decide if I answer his call, I will decide if I want to see him. This already makes me feel stronger, I just hope I don't give in and fall back into my old pushover ways. I'm so glad I read this. NEW ME here I come!!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Sam; and yes, you can do this! You are that powerful, you do show him and everyone else what you are and are not willing to put up with by your resolve to put yourself first. Know that you have every right to stand up for yourself and set your boundaries and choose for yourself what you want your life to look like. This is all about confidence in all that you are, and all that you have, and all that you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of you. NEW ME here I come is right! 🙂
I've tried this "having plans" if a guy calls last minute, with several diff guys along the way, and i've never had it work the way it should -- with the lightbulb turning on and the guy asking me earlier in the week. It's usually just been, they keep trying, and keep trying, and keep trying, the same way they tried before.
What if it's just a generational thing, where people nowadays don't make plans in advance, unless it's something involving tickets or travel?
Just my two cents.
While certainly cultural and generational differences can play a role, if you're finding that the same guy isn't getting this, you can certainly take the more direct approach and let him know that you need him to make plans with you earlier in the week if he wants to get together on the weekend. Someone who is really interested in getting together with you, won't have any problem with that. 🙂
OMG, Jane. I read this post thinking, "get out of my head and heart right now." LOL! I'm going through this right now, and I feel like I just needed an external voice to reinforce this mindset. Because, truth be told, if he doesn't make the effort to change and see the dynamic woman in front of him, I'll still be awesome with or without him. 🙂 Thank you for this.
So glad to be able to offer you that voice, Kimster; and I love how you put this - "if he doesn't make the effort to change and see the dynamic woman in front of him, I'll still be awesome with or without him" - never forget this - it is the truth! 🙂
Whenever i read your words its as though my logical side is telling me what i ''Need" to hear and not what i "Want" to hear! and that's why your pages always get bookmarked for a rainy day when i need to see clearly, i know where to find you 🙂
^_^
I so hear you, Jay; thanks for your feedback. I know just how hard it can be to accept that logical reasoning when we're in the thick of it with our hearts. I'm honored to be that voice along this journey. 🙂
Dear Jane
Thanks for a truly empowering post. Its true that we women often undersell ourselves for a few crumbs of what we call " love:. And in the bargain what we get is more pain and disillusionment., when in fact we can give ourselves all the love we need just by affirming and believing that that God loves us and as his word says he has a good plan for our lives and HE IS IN CONTROL. We need to be happy in every circumstance because every ones situation is different but being happy is a decision that we make. There is peace and rest in just letting go of fantasies of how life should be and giving to ourselves first, and that leaves our lives open for the good to enter. So thank you for taking the time to share and being the caring , empathetic person you are
God bless
ann
Thank you, Ann, for you kind words, and for the reminder that it's about being grounded in the reality of "what is" and not in the fantasy of what "should be" or "could be". How attractive those small crumbs that keep us hanging onto that fantasy can be!