It's been awhile since it ended, and you start thinking that enough time has gone by that it might be nice to reach out and see how he's doing. To see how he now feels about you, about the relationship, now that some time has passed. To see if anything has changed.
You didn't really want it to end, but he wasn't ready for what you were ready for, and things just weren't the same, so you finally accepted that the only thing left to do for yourself and your self-esteem was to let go and let him go free. It just wasn't working out the way you'd so hoped it would.
Or maybe he ended it, saying he just wasn't ready for any kind of real relationship, the kind of commitment you were looking for from him.
It ended.
Whatever the reason, whoever initiated the ending, whatever it looked like in the end, it ended.
And now, here you are, thinking about him again, about what might have been, about what could still be if only he would give you and the relationship another chance.
You had no idea just how much this would hurt. Just how painful it would be to live without any part of him in your life, even if what you got from him was so little. This feels so much worse.
So you call him, text him, or maybe email him. And the response you get leaves you feeling so much worse than you ever felt the first time. You can't believe you read him so wrong. He's not missing you. He's moved on. He wasn't waiting for you to call.
Or worse, he doesn't answer you at all, just leaves you hanging on again, feeling worse than if you had never contacted him at all.
Don't go there.
The bottom line is, don't do this. Don't put yourself through this.
You see, my beautiful friend, he knows. It doesn't matter how it ended. It doesn't matter if he ended it, if you finally had enough and ended it yourself or if it slowly ended on its own from lack of attention or attrition, the end result is the same.
He knows that you didn't want it to end. He knows all too well just how much you wanted it to be different. He knows it's about him. He knows it's over because he's not ready to give you what you had every right to want from him in a relationship – the kind of commitment everyone deserves.
But he wasn't able to do it, and he is still isn't. He knows it's his move, his choice. He knows it's up to him. Whether or not he won't, or can't, or just isn't capable of changing, he knows what needs to change to make this relationship work. And nothing has changed if you're the one still reaching out to him for another chance, another try.
If it's going to be, it's not up to you; it has to come from him. And you'll know because he'll be the one reaching out to you. But don't hold your breath, my sweet friend, because he doesn't think like you do. Don't go there.
Call a friend instead.
Call someone you trust your tears with, and let it all out.
Of course it hurts, of course it feels like you'll never find love again. Like you'll never find anyone to love again like him. And of course it will feel like those crumbs you settled for were so much better than this. But they weren't. And he wasn't worth what you put yourself through. And that beautiful, soft heart of yours deserves so much more than this.
No matter how much this makes you feel like love just doesn't exist for you, don't let you heart get hardened. This isn't about him, it's really about you. And how much there is just waiting for you out there if you can go through this now until you get to the other side.
I promise you that one day, this will all make sense, and you will see so clearly what you can't see today, or tomorrow or even the next day after that. But one day, soon, you will wake up after finally being able to sleep again, and you will see that glimmer of sunshine peer out from underneath all those dark clouds, and you will discover a whole new world of love and life just waiting for you to take a chance on it.
Tomorrow's a new day, and it will be here soon. But don't do this to yourself today. It will only make you feel so much worse.
For now, you're learning that you do have strength that you never knew you had, that you do have worth beyond what you ever even knew.
This is your time to find yourself and your you again. Go and find her; she's wonderful.
Hi again Jane,
I would like to thank you for the advise you have given me under “It’s your Decision” article. Your words are very inspiring and I really appreciate it. In times like this, I really need someone to talk to and voice out what I’m feeling - the pain, agony, tears, sorrows. I really wanted this to end, as much as I wanted to not to think about him, at times, I cannot control my mind.
It’s been two weeks now since we’ve last talked – although we see each other at the office, we tried to stay away from each other as much as possible. We only keep all work related matters in a civil way. I hope you feel the misery I deal everyday whenever I go to work and see him around. But still, I tried my best to put a brave face. Whenever I feel I’ll lose myself and breakdown, I’ll write all what I feel in my small notebook. It helps somehow.
In that 2 weeks we didn’t have communication, I cried almost every day, I constantly feel the urge of calling him –no reason, I just want to hear his voice and to know how he is doing. I don’t know how I was able to pass those tempting moments. It’s a torture, a continuous agony for me. If I won’t see him daily at the office, I guess I’ll be able to move on, but I don’t have a choice, I have to face him even how painful it is.
I always pray to God to take this love away from me, let me totally forget him and move on with my life. A lot of times I wanted to give up, I can’t handle the pain anymore. Its killing me whenever I see him already moved on, happy without me in his life and started a new relationship with the girl he met recently. The thoughts of him forgetting those moments we have shared together for the last three years is unbearable to me. I don’t know if he value those times we spent together and if I did create an impact on his life. Part of me died when he left. That part of myself still cries for his presence, for his care & attention. My mind is telling me what I want & what I have to do, but my heart dictates otherwise.
It’s still a long way for me. It will be a tough and heart-breaking journey. I hope I will always have the strength to always move forward.
Thank you once again for your inspiring words. I really love your site as I feel I finally have someone who understands what I’m going through right now.
I'm so glad you're finding some help here to get through this, Sheryl. I can't tell you just how much I identify with all the feelings you've expressed here. Baby steps is what's so key here. I used to think of only getting through one moment at a time, until I worked my way up to one hour at a time, then a half day, then a day until eventually I started to see that I was surviving, that I was getting through this.
You will too, Sheryl; as hard as this is right now and as much as you can't picture it. Slowly, through those tiny steps, by slowly putting one foot in front of the other and doing one more thing for yourself that you are now free to do, you will begin to see that there is life after this and that you do go on. Much love to you, my beautiful friend. You are never, ever alone.
Hola Jane,
This post is so special. I'm grateful I read it in this very moment.
Thank you my friend. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for your kind words, Andrea; I'm so glad this post resonated with you. Welcome! 🙂
Hi Jane!
I am so glad to subscribe to your site, it's like every entry you post directly speaks to me. I am so happy to find comfort in your words, specifically in this post. It made me realize that I really have to get to know myself more and focus on me while I wait for the right guy to come along. Thanks!
Welcome! I'm so glad you've found your way here and are finding some comfort in these posts. It is always inspiring to hear from my readers, so thank you for taking a moment to let me know! 🙂