Sometimes the perfect guy for you has been right there all along, you just didn't notice.
Buried in between all the unhealthy relationships that never turned out the way I wanted them to; in between all those heartbreaking dramatic episodes with guys that could never give me what I was so looking for, there were a few men who were what I now recognize as really healthy, relationship material kind of guys.
But at the time I was just not open to seeing them that way; instead I continued to chase the unhealthy romantic fantasies about love that I had in my head.
These were genuinely good guys who were looking for an exclusive relationship, weren't afraid of commitment, were honest, were real and didn't play games.
Guys who would talk about real life everyday topics, would call when they said they were going to call, show up and plan ahead for when we would see each other so I felt confident that I was a priority, and basically treated me the way I actually wanted to be treated.
But because they weren't igniting my own unhealthy chemistry indicator, or maybe because they weren't going full tilt on the romantic pursuit that made me feel so desirable and worthy, they never stood a chance.
Of course, all of them got married and started families not too long after I gave them the "it's not you, it’s me" speech, while I remained single still holding out for the one who existed only in my unhealthy fantasies. The kind of guy I considered my type.
I'll never forget the guy I found too boring (read: he was emotionally stable, financially secure and genuinely a real nice guy), but it was so even-keeled a relationship (read: healthy) that it didn't do anything for me – and so I left for California telling him there was nothing here for me. And I still didn't get it when he asked "What about me?" I simply refused to believe it could be love if there wasn't an extreme rollercoaster feel to it.
But what if I had known then what I know now? What if I had been looking for a real person to have a real relationship with instead of someone based on the unfinished business of my childhood? How much time, energy and heartbreak could I have saved myself if I had figured this out early on?
Of course, I was fortunate to have finally realized that what I thought was my type was actually not going to get me to the kind of relationship that I knew I really wanted.
And you can too.
It can be as simple as recognizing that what you actually want is someone who acts like he's interested in you, not someone you have to try to change or convince of your worth and desirability to get him to show more interest in you. You're worth at least that and so much more!
You don’t have to go through any more of this game we call love but isn't anything that actually even resembles true love.
So go ahead and take that second look. First at yourself and what you really want, and then at him, and all the other ones like him that you previously haven't even considered getting romantically involved with, for whatever reason.
What would it hurt to go on a few dates, get to know him better, and be truly open to seeing if anything blossoms?
Because you'll never know unless you do, and you won't always get a second chance to find out. That other woman who knows what she really want and was open to seeing his real value will have already scooped him up.
Thanks for the encouragement, Jane. Yes, the rollercoaster is a hell of a drug. You said it.
I just started dating a few months ago after splitting up a year ago with a man from a 17 year marriage. For the last 6 months, all the guys I was initially attracted to and invested my largest effort in pursuing connection with were ones that gave me that roller coaster feeling.... that feeling of not being secure, of having to work hard for their attention, of having to prove my value, and never quite sure whether they would be available emotionally. Meanwhile, I continued to take for granted a really wonderful man I was simultaenously dating... who was emotionally available, mature and had done his own personal work and told me point blank he really wanted a serious relationship with me. I had to dig into to understand why I wasn't taking what he had to offer. I felt so comfortable with him, so at home, and so understood on so many levels and vice versa, I felt like I really "got" who he was too. Some of it was that he wasn't my physically type--he was chubby--and I kept returning to that as the reason why I didn't pursue him more. I got really hung up on his body not fitting my ideal requirements. But as I explored it more, I realized it was even more so because I had come to believe being cared for meant that roller coaster feeling.... and also I realized I was a little terrified of getting the real intimacy I was saying I wanted! When I got clear on that last part, I was able to let go of the idealized body I fantasized about being with and embrace him for his whole self...its been such a suprisingly difficult process to open my heart to a man that is actually available and embrace that/him...wish me luck...will be the first time I actually commit to someone mature, open and whole hearted, willing to be both vulnerable and strong....lets see where this goes....
You're not alone in discovering how difficult this is, in reality, to do, Sera. I'll more than wish you luck, I'll be here for your doubts and fears and questions whenever they come up for you. And they will. The rollercoaster is a hell of a drug.
Everything about her, is the simple answer. An incredibly deep connection and chemistry, in every sense of both terms. How at peace we both are when together, how we compliment each other, how we complete each other.
Completely appreciate what she's going through, in terms of healing, but I just wish she'd stop looking behind her so she can see what's in front of her. And I wait.....
Hi Jane;
Should get you to chat with the love of my life. We are both middle aged with an amazing chemistry and connection.....mentally, emotionally and physically. Challenge is that she's recently seperated. Although her relationship has basically been over for a couple of years now, she is struggling with the separation. It was a abusive relationship for her, as were her two relationship prior to that. She's a rescuer, so to speak, and has admitted that it scares her because it feels like I'm rescuing her.
While she has set boundries, her actions and the way she looks at me when we're together, contradict what she is verbalizing. She has even gone so far as telling me she loves me. Know full well she needs time, and I have said I'll wait, because I know she's my forever, but it's so hard to wait for something when it's everything you want.
You're not alone here, Drew. I've seen happy endings come from this type of reversal before firsthand, but you need to be very honest with yourself and make sure you have enough support for yourself if you're going to walk this path with her without losing something of yourself in the process. You're onto something about the rescuing, but whether or not she can see it for herself will be up to her. She's being given a beautiful opportunity to throw open the doors on what she believes love to be to allow love to find her like she's never known before. But it's you who has to decide what being with her on her terms means to you and whether she's worth it. The question I have for you is what makes her your "forever"?
Hi Jane!
I am currently in this situation. Met an amazing guy who is perfect for many ways (personality, compatibility etc)., but he is not the "type" of guy I usually go for physically. Think Charlotte and Harry from SATC but, I'm black. haha!
So far, it's been amazing, and I am trying to get out of my head and lead with my heart because he is the type of guy I've been praying for and I am slowly opening up to the fact that he is who God has sent me. Isn't life crazy? Those I thought I would be with in the past who looked" GQ" were always the unavailable, emotionally stunted ones. And here comes this regular looking, jewish guy with glasses and a boyish smile (GQ suits i must say) who is willing to sweep me off my feet. I'm still at a loss for words how life works! 🙂
Love this, Mahogany. Thanks for stopping by to share your story. Love hearing from you. Isn't life crazy indeed!
Hi Jane. It is a very intresting topic, but i think if you think someone is boring it will never work. Sometimes i think these kind of guys seem relationship material, because they are too afraid to change and don't want to try and learn new things (travelling, intresting hobbies or just simply being passionate about something) . Not because they love us so much, they just need someone who can provide them consistency. That makes them really boring for me, because i always have a hunger to improve myself and i will be a better version of myself one year later. Of course consistency is something i am looking for too , but i want to find a guy, i can grow, improve and discover together. Real life issues are boring enough, relationships shouldn't be boring too.
These are how i feel about this subject. Do you think i am being so close-minded about this? (again sorry for my English)
I couldn't agree more, Gizem. You have to have someone who's a fit for you! But take a look at what you're equating as "boring" to see if stable, solid, and secure can't also be synonymous with someone who also wants to improve himself and isn't afraid to look within. It's our definition and our terms that we need to define to get to what we're truly looking for, not the cultural labels that don't allow individuality - and that match you're looking for! - to come through!
This is really interesting article. I think all single women meet these guys that we are just not attracted to whatever reason it is and lately I have thought about this a lot. I have a friend who is super nice and always there for me but he is only a friend. In fact he annoys me a lot. Just the things he do are against my beliefs and thus he manages to annoy me. I have tried to be more open minded but I just feel like he is on different level. He is also younger than me and sometimes his naive comments just make me roll my eyes. Perhaps I'm arrogant and snob in a way but I do think that if there is no spark and he just annoys me, it will not work out. Or will it? And why would I need to choose the only guy available? Should I really? I think not and to be honest I'm actually quite happy on my own now.
What do you think?
You're not being arrogant or a snob, Annie; if there's no spark and he just annoys you, chances are the two of you are most likely not a fit. And you never need to choose the only guy who's seemingly available! If you're happy on your own right now, that's the most important thing because it's from that place of being happy and confident within yourself, that you'll find yourself attracted to - and attractive to! - someone who will complement your life beautifully!
My point here is that so many of us have found ourselves attracted to a certain type who is actually the worst possible guy for us if it's a committed relationship we're looking for, while we've overlooked someone who has all the qualities that really matter when it comes to a committed relationship that lasts because of our own baggage and triggers. Once we've figured out what's really going on with ourselves (i.e. why we keep attracting the wrong guys), we often find we see someone differently who we readily passed up before, but they've moved on to someone looking for a real relationship. So my point is, that although I believe we eventually end up with whoever we're meant to be with regardless of how we get there, we can make our lives so much easier and avoid so much heartbreak by getting to that place faster if we learn to recognize both the types that aren't on the same page as us, and the ones that are looking for exactly the same thing we are.
It doesn't have to be an either/or proposition; instead, it's about allowing yourself to see what you didn't see once you figure out what's coloring your lenses!
Thanks for the response! I think I have not quite understood this. I always thought that I'm single because I don't accept the guy who is nice to me but really just isn't my fit.
Being single for 6 years now I get phases when I'm really learning and willing to accept my life on my own and periods when I'm just desperate. Usually it happens when I think I have finally learned to be happy on my own and then one night casually I meet someone that seems attractive but someone I know I cannot have for some reason. Someone who I may think is taken or who is not interested in me. And then I'm back to square one again.
I think the only thing I have learned is that I know that it takes time to getting used to the person and even this guy I meet seems attractive to me at first might still not be the guy after all as I really don't know that person at all and all I am clinging to is the fact we seem to be on the same level and he is the type I think may be suitable for me when in reality he might not.
It makes me wonder; if there are the types I am attracted to that are not the right fit necessarily and the types that annoy me, then what is it I should be looking for? When all I am looking for is someone who is on the same level, who has similar goals in life and who has seen a bit more than his back garden in his life time thus making him more open minded and interested in the world.
The one step forward, two steps back dance is such a part of this journey, Annie; know that you are so not alone here. The point here is to be picky about the right things and in touch with your own blind spots and triggers along the way.
It's not just a numbers game or a lottery. There are so many reasons why we find ourselves still single, but it usually has to do with where we are in our own levels of awareness and what and who we are looking for and why.
If you focus on the qualities that matter the most to you - making a list of your must-haves, nice-to-haves and your deal breakers - this can help both help to clarify what you're really looking for and also help you clearly see this type of man. Whether you meet men online, at various single venues, through friends, through work, through your hobbies/passions/interests, it's about you being who you truly are so that the two of you can find each other that matters as much as anything else. Where do you go on your own open-minded adventures? That same level as you, those similar goals - what does that look like in a practical sense? Where would you go if you were him? Sometimes, it is imagining that you are your soulmate that you will find those places that he is most likely to be.
You'll get there, Annie, whether you try or not; love that is meant to be happens both because of you or in spite of you. It's hard to be patient, I know. But it's in this process that it happens, often in the way we least expect it and only very rarely on our timetable.
Hello, Jane.
I'm just a dude who stumbled on your article, and I wanted to say I think you're heading in the right direction with what you had to say. Although your article isn't about this social philosophical issue of materialism, it exists because the problem of materialism exists. I'll elaborate.
Much of western culture is extremely materialistic and shallow, unfortunately. And some of your past negative experiences seem to have been founded for those very reasons. Too may people haven't learned yet, it's not our wallet, face, acne, eye color, education, nor job that makes us good people. We aren't remembered for our cars, houses, or shoes. We're remembered for how we impact the lives of others. It's our code of ethics towards both ourselves and others, our priorities, and sense loyalty, that makes us good people - to summarize it all in a word: integrity.
Sometimes you get that bit of conventional wisdom, like how a man shouldn't judge a woman by her weight. But that doesn't completely register with me. A woman could be the nicest person in the world, but her weight is arguably a reflection of her ability to make responsible lifestyle choices - either anorexic or obese. And the real hypocrisy is that women judge men by height. Height is genetically predetermined and has no impact on the worth of a man. Women literally destroy their chances to have a healthy relationship every day just because they think a man has to be taller and older than they are.
I'm 28m, and I've been single for about 5-6 years. My last girlfriend had the old fantasy spoon-fed to her from birth: To find that handsome man who wants to be a lawyer or doctor who will sweep her off her feet, takes her to church every Sunday, and buy a big house with a white fence. She wasn't taught to make a life for herself, to be accountable for her own choices, and she could not understand how her decisions and actions affected others. She demanded all of that from me, and then some. That relationship lasted longer than it should have, but I'm glad I ended it.
I believe women need to learn to take the chances men usually take, that women too often take for granted. Men are expected to lead, to cater to women, to provide, to make all the arrangements, to take all the responsibility in a relationship. Too often, when a relationship goes sour, people assume it's always his fault. But if she wasn't happy, then why didn't she do something about it? Why does he have to read her mind and go out of his way to make everything better? If men objectify women as sex objects, then women objectify men as success objects. Men shouldn't have to be expected to do anything other than what he wants to do. So when you're dating someone, it should be because you want that person for who they are and your willingness to work for the relationship. It's not passion that makes a relationship, it's dedication. Because relationships are not easy.
The day a woman asks me out, I'll give her the greatest surprise she would ever get in her entire life. And as long as she treats me like a person, and not the object of her success, the relationship will last her entire life.
So, keep up the good fight, Jane.