Don't let the memory of your ex be the "third wheel" in your new relationship.
This is the seventh post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.
We all have unpacked emotional baggage from our past relationships, and it's difficult, if not impossible, to completely get rid of it; that's just being human. But if you find yourself still pining for, very angry with, or otherwise consumed with emotion over your ex, you need to get past it before you'll be able to be in a new healthy relationship.
It's totally normal to take time to heal from a major heartbreak, and the greater the love there once was, the longer it takes. Make sure that you are treating yourself right by giving yourself that time.
If you're not sure that you're over your ex, ask yourself the following questions and be completely honest with your answers (after all, you're the only one that will hear them):
Too Much Emotional Baggage
Do you find yourself wanting to call (or actually calling) your ex just to see how he's doing?
When you see your ex out at a social event, do you find yourself drawn towards him and wanting to flirt with him?
When you're out with others, including on a date, do you often find yourself talking about your ex, either in a good or bad way?
Do you find that you are still feeling emotionally fragile from your breakup?
Are you still angry or do you still cry when you think about how you were treated or how you were rejected?
Are you going out of your way to remain "friends" with your ex in order to maintain contact with him?
If you answered yes to any of these, as difficult as it may be, you need to make a clean break from your ex and let your heart heal so that you'll be able to move on to the relationship that you are meant to have.
The Rebound Relationship
I remember it all too well. Even though all of the advice I was reading said the same thing: don’t get into a new relationship until you’re over the last one; avoid the rebound; take your time to get over the one you’re getting over; it didn't matter. I just wanted the pain of the heartbreak to go away, and it seemed like the only thing that could make me feel any better was finding someone else to replace the last one, as quickly as possible.
And so each time it would end, sometimes even before it actually ended (but I could see that the end was coming), I would put all my effort into meeting someone else who could get my mind off of it and make the pain and hurt go away. Then I could tell myself (and maybe even tell my ex if I was really feeling hurt) that it didn't matter because there was already someone else. Somehow I felt like that would validate me, my worth, and show him just how insane he was for letting me go, because, see! Someone else wants me!
Of course the problem was that the replacement guy wasn't really the guy I wanted to be with. The guy I wanted to be with was the guy that broke my heart. So instead of taking my mind off of the sadness and heartbreak of the relationship that had ended, the new guy just made me think about all of the things that I missed about my ex.
When the new guy failed to measure up to what I felt the other one was, it would just confirm to me that I really had missed out and messed up a relationship that, at least in my mind, could have been the one. But of course the truth was that the previous relationship wasn't really all that, and I was just romanticizing the good times (as often happens when we feel something has been taken from us) and only remembering the positives in an idealistic way. (Yes, I'm very guilty of being idealistic, as my husband gently reminds me of even now when I was going on and on about how wonderful my childhood home was. That is, until we recently visited there and I found it was not quite what I remembered!)
Eventually I’d see that the new guy wasn’t what I really wanted either, and that would bring an end to something that really should never have started in the first place. And then I would be all alone once again, feeling even worse than before, particularly if I had broken the new guy's heart in the process.
Change The Behavior
I finally got it, that this wasn’t working. This was no way to live. I wish I could say I figured it out early on, but I didn’t. So take comfort if you’re still stuck in that place of looking for a rebound relationship to feel better. It takes a while to learn new healthy behaviors, especially when it’s been a routine temporary bandage to help quell the pain that only another woman with a breaking heart can know. So don’t beat yourself up, but do your best to change this unhealthy behavior.
So what do you do?
Just know that if you're trying to get your ex out of your head, make a clean break from him. If you can't completely break from him, for example if you work together, then set boundaries so that you are only interacting with him on a level that's as limited as possible. Then focus on your own needs until you feel that you're: a.) Not wanting to get back together with him and b.) You're no longer angry about what happened.
Take a break from any kind of relationship or dating until you get to this point. It usually helps to realize that the fact that the relationship ended means that it was not the right relationship for you to be in, and it means that you saved yourself greater heartache down the road.
Of course if you meet a guy during this time that has real potential, and you find that he not only takes your mind off of your ex but he completely makes you forget about your ex or even makes you happy that the relationship ended, then by all means go for it! Just make sure that you're starting the relationship for the right reasons, and that you're not getting into it to try to forget about your ex, because it just doesn't work that way.
Next post in this series: Stop Trying To Be Something You're Not?
Sara says
Hi,
I'm just writing to get some insight, because with the state of mind I'm in, I don't think I'm thinking rationally. I was married to my husband for 5 and a half years (I left him twice in the past year and a half). This time, it's for real, we are getting divorced, I got my own apartment, and left him because he chose heroin over me...among a lot of other very deep rooted issues in our relationship.
He told me he would always love me, no matter what, and we've been through a lot together, he knows me better than i thought i knew myself. But, when he told me he felt nothing for me (even though we were already in the process of divorce) it absolutely destroyed me. It's not so much him anymore, that I can't get over. I can't get over the hurt, his decisions, and the fact that I had plans for us, (house, kids, etc) and now it's all gone. And I feel like i wasted years of my life (although I could've wasted more if I hadn't gotten out when i did)
I told myself I wouldn't get into another relationship for a long time, and i would NEVER marry again. He was my one shot in my mind, and we both blew it. It was both of us, we both made mistakes, and it physically pains me to wish I could go back in time, with what I know now. But, i know i can't think like that, it will only further me from that "im over it" light at the end of the tunnel.
Thing is, i met this guy out of nowhere, i wasn't trying to meet any one by any means. But he just kind of happened. We took things VERY slowly, at my request. He respected that, never pressured me into anything, or into a relationship with a title. Yet..I still think of my ex, daily. I miss him, hate him, resent him even. Either way, he is always on my mind...I find myself comparing the new guy to my ex. I find myself only thinking of the good times, which I know I have to get mad, I have to think of the horrible times, when he neglected me, emotionally abused me. But it's hard...
It feels like a part of my heart died, along with the man I married...He's gone, and he's never coming back, I know this, but for some reason, I just can't get my heart to believe it. I don't know what to do anymore, it consumes my life...
Please help.
Jane says
So understandable, Sara. You invest so much time in a person, in a dream, in a future. All with that person. You build your hopes, your plans, your dreams, your life around this person. And then slowly, you start to see little cracks in this person, in these dreams and plans you've built around them; small things at first, little indications or warning signs that this may not be all that you're hoping it is, until the signs and cracks get bigger and bigger until you can no longer ignore them or convince yourself they're not that big of a deal. Convince yourself that it's not a deal breaker. Until one day, something significant happens, or a culmination of all the signs together happen and you're forced to wake up and open your eyes to reality. To see what's really there; there's no denying it any longer.
But your heart is still there, your soft, gentle, trusting heart that only wants to keep on loving, just like trying to squeeze water from a rock never produces a drop. But your heart knows deep down you can't continue on like this anymore. You can't be with someone who chooses heroin – or anything else – over you. You deserve so much more than that. And your heart knows it, too. No matter how selective your memory has become. But when you're in the midst of this, it's never easy to let go or forget about someone regardless of how they treated you. Because the yearning for it to be different, to be the same person, yet a different outcome is so great. And our minds and hearts can conjure up a million reasons why it might be different this time.
It takes real courage and strength to walk away like you did, to let go of both a person and a future with that person that you build up in your heart. No matter how badly he treated you. Your heart was still there. Take your time. Acknowledge your pain and hurt. Get some space from him and everything that reminds you of him. This is your time to go easy on yourself, to be gentle with your loving, trusting heart that only wants to believe in love.
If this new relationship is one that adds value to your life, if you enjoy his company and he treats you well, then enjoy it. Look at it for what it is; time spent getting to know someone, finding out about each other, enjoying each other's company.
And if it isn't that, then take some more time for yourself, really getting to know the real you and what it is you need, who it is you're really looking for. And then live your life. Keep the focus on you. Love yourself enough to refuse to settle for anything or anyone that honor that beautiful heart of yours. And one day, it will all make sense. It's the getting through this part, the hard part, that brings us to real love.