All relationships have to start somewhere – and that somewhere, most of the time, is on a first date.
So how do we know after that first date if the guy is deserving of our company for date number two? Well, there are several ways.
I’ve heard of women who will give their date a test of some sort, such as refusing a menu and asking their date to order for her, or trying to pick up the check at the end of the date, in order to see how he reacts, in the hopes of gleaning some insight into his personality.
Although I’ve never gone the route of intentionally doing something to “test” my date, I’ve realized over the years that there are certain signs that just spell trouble down the road.
I’m not talking about relatively minor things that, although they may be annoying, and may certainly be telltale signs of your dates true personality, aren’t necessarily a reason to cut him off completely.
Things like being a few minutes late (I could be forgiving of this one, since I’ve been guilty of it on occasion myself) or having a messy car. These are the types of things that you have to just decide for yourself if it’s something you think you can live with. These will be different for each of us.
What I’m talking about here are the real, universal deal breakers. The kinds of things that should make any woman get up, walk away, and not look back.
I mean, the first date is supposed to be indicative of your best behavior, right? So if a guy is showing any of these signs on the first date, it’s not going to get any better.
In fact, typically these are just the tip of the iceberg, and are pretty much a sign that things are going to get much, much worse.
He gets drunk (even noticeably tipsy)
OK, I understand most first dates may include meeting for a drink or two, or maybe having a glass of wine over dinner, and our social culture has, unfortunately, seemed to be built around the imbibing of alcohol. But if your date puts down three or more drinks over the course of the date (regardless of his size), or if he starts becoming noticeably intoxicated, that’s a real sign of an underlying problem.
Also, if he comes to pick you up, and you notice the scent of alcohol on his breath, that’s a sure sign of problem drinking. I’m not anti-alcohol, but on a first date you want to get to know the real person, not the alcohol (or any other intoxicant) modified version of the person.
If he’s your ride, then he’s also putting your safety at risk. In this situation it’s best to politely tell him that you’d rather not get in a car with him, and offer that if he’d like to walk somewhere or take public transportation to continue the date, then you’ll join him.
He’s rude to the waiter
Or the person at the ticket booth, the bartender, the cab driver, or really anyone else you come into contact with during the date.
Even if the service is poor, or slow, or the waitress got your order wrong, there’s no need for any kind of insults or demeaning treatment. If your date acts rudely to others, you can be pretty certain that at some point that rudeness will be pointed at you, and when it is, it will be much worse.
He’s checking out other women
What I’m talking about here is clearly checking out other women, as in the up and down checkout – not the people watching kind of look.
If he’s obviously ogling other women, it’s inexcusable. Again, he’s supposed to be on his best behavior here – if he can’t keep his eyes in check, and on you, for a couple of hours, then just remember, it’s not going to get better.
I realize that men are wired to be visual, and yes, we can forgive that on occasion, but this is the first date we’re talking about here. And we’re also talking about respect – as in, respect for you. Keep the eyeballs in their sockets, mister!
If he can’t resist the urge to be looking elsewhere now, it’s very likely he’ll be looking elsewhere down the road.
It’s just plain boring
OK, this one is not quite as heavy of a topic as possible alcoholism, emotional abuse, or future infidelity, but it’s just as much of a deal breaker as the rest.
If it’s boring right out of the gate, why would you think it will magically get better next time? If you feel like a dentist while trying to get a decent conversation out of the man, and you find yourself wanting to glance at your watch to see how much longer you need to stay in order for it to be considered a “real date”, then you probably don’t want to put yourself in that situation again.
But I think you already knew that one.
Here's the thing. Ive seen plenty of men who are toxic IRL be totally sweet to waitstaff... (or Uber drivers for ex). Heres why:
-They are in public
-Dont want to be judged
-Their culture, society, etc expects table manners
-Pleaseantries and forms of respect are built into their language and phrases (like Spanish: usted, mam, si,r, MUCHISIMAS gracias (more formal than thanks so much), with pemission, may the day go well with you, etc)
-They dont want anyone to spit in their food!
So I find that factor to be very unreliable. If people are outright cruel or rude to beggars, for example, that is a WORSE red flag for me. Stingy, heartless, cruel, etc. Def a more reliable factor, imo.
Great advice! I've experienced all of these! I've even been on dates that were a combination of some of the above.
Had a date about 12 yrs ago where we went out to eat & then stopped by Wal-Mart afterwards so my date could pick up school supplies for his son. He ran into a girl he used to go to school with named Jennifer--one of those petite, cheerleader-types. When we walked away after talking to "Jen" and her mom, my date turned around and asked me "Don't you think Jen is absolutely adorable?" I replied, "Yes, she is and she's very sweet too!" He then made the comment "You know, you're not that pretty but you've got a great personality!" I was mortified & broke down in tears. He was not fazed in the least. He even had the nerve to introduce me to the cashier, who was another friend of his, while I was literally bawling with mascara running down my face. She looked at me like I was crazy. When we got in his truck, he asked me "What in the hell is wrong with you?!!!!" I replied "You don't tell a date the things you just told me in the store!" He then said "Well, if you were offended by my comments then why don't you consider GETTING A MAKEOVER!" He was practically yelling at me by that time.
I swear, I've had so many of these weird, bad dates that seem like they were straight out of a Twilight Zone movie. I could write a book about "bad date" stories and fill it with my own experiences. I laugh at it now, but the sad thing is I had so little respect & love for myself that these scenarios repeated themselves constantly over the years. It was not until I survived a sexual assault in 2004 that I was forced to seek help and began to evaluate why I was getting myself involved with men who had so little respect for me as a human being. I've made tons of progress though. What is so difficult is that now that I am ready to have a healthy relationship, there are very few prospects where I live. I am 43 & most guys around here are married with kids. But then again, there's a part of me that believes that God will make a way when the time is right.
Getting back to the content of your article, another important red-flag behavior is the way a man drives. Any man who is an overly aggressive driver(ie. tailgating, cutting other drivers off) more than likely has issues with anger & impulse control & will eventually turn that behavior towards you. Also, a man who mistreats animals is another one to avoid. Also listen to your date's conversations for any negative, derogatory marks about other women even if he claims "You are not like them." Believe me, one day he will say the same things about you!
Oh, Stacey, I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that. As you say, it really does come down to how little self love and self respect we have for ourselves when we find ourselves settling for so much less than we deserve. Never an easy or quick way out of that type of downward spiral, but eventually we hopefully see that it's not really about any him, but it's about ourselves and learning to love and respect the beautiful person each of us truly is.