We've all read articles or heard about the supposedly great places to meet men – places like the gym, the supermarket, the dog park, and of course the age old meeting place, the bar.
In my dating days, if I saw one of these lists with something on there I hadn’t tried yet I immediately made plans to try it the next chance I got.
I remember when I first heard that the grocery store was a great place to meet men.
What did I do?
I headed for the grocery store. During the hours of 7-9 PM. Because that was when they (whoever that particular they authority happened to be at the time) said was the most likely time to meet single men in grocery stores.
And then the stores must have caught wind of it, too, because many of those stores jumped on the bandwagon and started hosting singles nights (and many still do).
Because isn’t that what it’s all about?
Improving your odds, getting out there where the men are, where the ratio of single men to single women is in your favor?
Well, yes and no.
While all of these places can be a good place to meet men, and I’ve known people who’ve met their perfect match in all of those listed above, there’s really only ONE place to meet your perfect match, the guy of your dreams, the one.
Where?
Here: Anyplace that men like to go to that you also like to go to.
I know, it sounds so simple. But why don’t we do this? Well, it’s not always as easy as it sounds.
On the one hand, we know there are certain places that are known to have a favorable number of single men. Like sports bars, nightclubs, or any of the stereotypical places where men tend to gather with their buddies to grab a few drinks while checking out us ladies.
Then there’re places like Best Buy or the Apple Store. Or stock car races. And if you go to these places, chances are there will be plenty of single men to meet. But the question is, do you want to meet these men?
I mean, think about it. If you really aren’t that interested in sports, are you really going to be happy with a guy that’s glued to the TV every Sunday or whenever his team (or for many guys, any team) is playing? If you don’t even own a TV, will you be compatible with the guy who has to have every latest electronic gadget?
The same goes for the speedway – need I say more?
Now, of course, if you do like these things, than by all means get out there and meet these guys! Just make sure that you’re being true to yourself, and not just talking yourself into being interested in it in order to meet a guy.
If you’re only going to these places because your odds of meeting a single guy is higher, then it’s not going to be the best place for you to meet your future husband. The one who’s going to be compatible with you. Because if you do meet a guy there, he’s going to be pretty interested in what he’s going there for.
If you’re not that interested in it, then you’re going to have a very long rest of your life trying hard to be interested in it.
Another important point to make here is that if you meet a guy in a relatively random place, say the supermarket, what are the chances that he’ll be interested in what you’re interested in? You’re asking for quite a bit of luck to rely on a chance meeting in a random place to result in finding your dream man.
So what do we do?
Like I said, any of these places can be a good place to meet your guy, the key is to go to places that you’d go to anyway, even if there was no chance of meeting your special guy there. Places that are interesting to you, somewhere that you can develop your passions, enrich your life.
So if you’re into art, then head down to the local art community and see what kind of events are coming up. If you’re into hiking, join the local hiking club and start attending the meetings. If you always wanted to learn how to Tango, then take a Tango class.
Acting? Take an acting or improvisation class. If you love helping out others, check out the local community outreach programs.
Don’t worry about whether or not you’ll meet anyone while doing these things. If you’re doing what you want to do, and you don’t come any closer to meeting the man of your dreams, so what? You’re still having a great time doing what you enjoy, and you’re spending time following your own interests, your own passions, your own heart.
And by doing that you’re building your own life.
Only when we have our own life are we able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.
Are you getting what I’m trying to say here?
It’s fine to be going where the single guys are, but make sure you’re going to places that you’re interested in going to, too. Because those are the places where you’ll meet someone who shares your interests and values.
Regardless of how much the numbers might be in your favor hanging out at the stereotypical guy places, what you really care about is finding the guy who’s right for you, not just "a single guy."
Chances are your guy will be somewhere that you’d really like to be, too.
Another "aha" moment with this piece! Makes absolute sense in going to places I myself enjoy and feel passionate about to come across others who share the same interest. I guess my next thing is knowing how to initiate dates or be available to be asked. I am currently enjoying week one of your course and trust it will give me the confidence I need to get there! 🙂 thank you!!
Those "aha" moments are how this all comes together, Darlene. When you start to see these things for yourself, that's huge! I'm so glad you're finding this happening for you and you're enjoying the course. The kind of confidence you're talking about is already in you; I'm going to show you how to discover that for yourself! 🙂
Hi Jane,
You have a great website :). im 25 this year.
I have problems with my current life. I hope i could make it clear to you.
I faced a lot of rejections when i was young.
so i am now a pretty low self esteem women, clingy and unhappy.
i learn a lot from your website, and would like to share my story..
i liked this childhood friend, R, back when i was 19, but he didnt show any interest.
i fell for another man, V, (from another state) because he seems "ideal" and more mature 4 years my age.
it wasnt love, it was ideal, but i know as a women if im cherished my heart and attention will grow and go all out for this man. V and i will meet each other at least twice a year in a period of 1-2 months.
the relationship wasnt good to start, V took my virginity away from me after a few dates. i was crying and tried to push him away. i was not ready at all. but he didnt relent. he told me he loved me, it was his first time too, and if i dont do it with him he feels rejected. i was then naive and innocent, insecure and felt truly worthless after being raped. i gave in to this man so many times throughout our 3 years relationship, i ended up hating myself and scarred myself even more. because it wasnt meant for him.
we got engaged nonetheless, because i dont feel worthy for another man anymore. it was the most devastating feeling, broken and lonely feeling to feel. i have lost something so personal, it felt like remorse, something like losing a child something i can nvr get it back.
whats done, is done.
my body nvr felt the same anymore, i couldnt even love myself anymore.
early this year, V and i broke off the wedding, which i thought was the bravest thing i had ever done in my life. and i moved back to my hometown and found out my childhood friend R did liked me all this while. we have a lot of things in common and loved to hang out with each other.
We "dated privately" for a 4 months away from our usual gang of friends. i really loved him, i gave in to him on the 3rd month wholeheartedly. we were not in an official relationship, but we were really interested in each other, and loved spending time together. He (was a virgin) knew i wasnt a virgin and was ok with it until his mother changed his mind about it.
he told me he still loves me, but he has lesser feelings for me since his mother changed his mind about me. he nvr cared abt my past, nvr asked. instead he told me not to talk about it because he does not feel nice about it. he told me what his mother thinks of me, that im dirty, used and im a leftover from another man, and he realised he prefers a virgin and im definitely not fresh and pure anymore. it is a man thing, probably. his mother has been introducing him to other younger girls who is close to the family, and he (being an obedient and respectful son), finds it hard to ignore their desires. He does find some girls cute and have been going out with them to see how it goes.
just last night, he told me a few things which i shall separate in points:
1) to remain as friends
2) he still loves me but lesser after realising he is with a girl who is not pure anymore.
3) he feels inclined to obey his parents since he truly loves them - he could die for his mother (his mother told him to avoid going out too much with me, and if he did end up with me she would not be too happy about it).
4) who knows in the future we might be together,
5) work on our career and what we have to do now
6) im not dumping you
7) he asked if he ended up with someone else, would i still support him. he told me he would give his full support if i ended up with someone else.
8) he needs to pursue his career.
9) he isnt ready to commit
10) he finds it hard to fall in love with girls anymore
11) asking if he could still txt me msgs
His last words were, "I still love you". he tried to hug me, but i pushed him away but i still said i still love him too. we went on our seperate ways in good terms.
Im in a dilemma, i know very well its a confirm emotional seperation.
but i think im still struggling to face the reality of the situation, that he is finally gone from my life. the first person i truly loved and gave myself to him, despite of what i am. i doubt i can love someone else this much ever more.
we are close childhood frens, our gang hangs out once a week or twice a week. so, there is still a struggle to face him, and battle the emotions.
i hope it is clear enough, but im really in desperate need of help. although i remained calm in front of him, i truly felt like suiciding. the pain is unbearable spreading towards my stomach.
thanks Jane for reading.
If you're seriously having suicidal thoughts, Tisha, the very first thing you need to do is contact either a suicide helpline, a counselor, doctor, or some other person you trust who is professionally trained to help get you through this. Because, my beautiful friend, there is nothing dirty, used, leftover or unworthy about you! You have so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you! There is nothing wrong with you; it is only the men that you have been with that are the problem. You have been with men who haven't treated you with the respect and dignity and love that you so deserve, Tisha; and instead these have not been men who deserved any part of you, much less that beautiful intimate part of your innermost being! You simply gave yourself away to men who weren't there, who couldn't give you what was your birthright. This isn't your punishment, Tisha! These men weren't right for you and couldn't give you what you so deserve! I answered an email from someone who felt very similar to the way you're feeling right now, too, Tisha, you can read it here.
Please get some help so you can see what I see, Tisha, so you can hear the truth instead of these lies you're buying into. You deserve to be loved for you just because of who you are! You have so much more in store for you, there is so much more to come in your life, even if you can't see it right now. Don't let any of these men take any more of you. This is your time. It's time for you to discover all that you are, and all that you have to offer someone who's truly deserving of you. Let these men all go, no matter how much you believe they are all that. Take them down off of the pedestal you've put them on. Let them fade into the background of your life and then let your beautiful light of who you are shine through for someone who will never talk to you like this, who will never treat you like this and will never, ever give you reason to question yourself like this! You deserve only the very best that love and life have to offer you!
Thanks Jane for replying 🙂
I shall focus on myself and taking care of my family at the moment.
It js hurts so deep that the thought of i can never give my pure side to the man i love in the future.
there will be always something lacking for him and for me.
something i can never give it to him. i cant make him feel special to fully have me as his own, and i cant fully have only and only him in my mind.
probably we live in a different world, i understand the western culture where virginity isnt cherished, and they move on easily. (im an asian, raped by my ex-fiance who is a westerner).
i personally cant encounter another man, because its hard to accept another man touching me. 2 men is quite enough.
sorry for all d negative thoughts.
these are in my mind.
truly thanks for your reply. i really appreciate it Jane.
Tisha.
I know this is so personal for you and that our cultural differences are very real, Tisha, but remember that none of this changes the fact that you still deserve to be loved, to be treated so well and respected for the beautiful woman you are! Know that there is still someone out there for you who doesn't view you this way, even if this is how you view yourself. What happened to you wasn't your fault, by beautiful friend. You don't deserve this kind of shame and blame for something that was so wrongly done to you. No one does, no matter who we are or where we've been.
And never be sorry for what you're feeling, Tisha; it's in the sharing of your darkest fears that you can find acceptance for your true self and begin to heal. Much love to you, my beautiful friend.