Why we do them, no one knows. But if we think it’s love, we’ll try it.
Because they’re into skiing and we want to do things with them and we just know it’ll be easy to pick it up.
No, no, no! Do not do this.
I learned this one the hard way. And ended up on the roof. Of a shed. On the slopes.
It was supposed to be skiing on the trails, and not scary. But, in my enthusiasm for my new beau, I neglected to mention that I had never skied before, and in fact, found the whole thing a little scary.
But I, the ever idealistic pleaser, was sure it would work itself out.
Right.
So there we were. Of course I looked the part in my expensive sexy snow bunny suit, so I figured that would make it all work out. I’d look so good it wouldn’t matter that I didn’t really ski (at least not well).
But here’s the thing, with a real guy who’s authentic, he really was looking forward to doing the activity we’d planned – skiing. It was me, not him, that was all about being with me looking pretty.
I didn’t get that then, though. And it wasn’t the only time I’d done that.
No, I’d wakeboarded the same way. With lots of enthusiasm, no experience and no intention of doing it. But I could look the part. In my new sexy bathing suit.
Do you see a theme here?
Good, because I didn’t. Not for a long time.
The couple we went wakeboarding with had a real relationship going – they both were real people who did real things together and while she might not have been as cutesy as me, she had a real relationship with a guy and I had a date.
With yet another one of those guys that never turns into anything more than a date or two.
But I still didn’t get it.
It would be a long, long time before I’d finally understand the case for being real, and honest; and that the guy I should have been looking out for wasn’t the kind who would trade the real activity with a pretty package hanging on his arm.
I had yet to learn what a real relationship looked like. But I’d seen enough to know this wasn’t it.
And here’s the newsflash on this one, girlfriends, I’ve talked to enough guys since all this to hear that they really don’t want to spend their time with us teaching us to wakeboard or ski.
Really they don’t.
They’d much rather we just be honest with them, let them know we’d love to do said activity with them, but we’ve never learned or don’t really enjoy the cold, or aren’t really that interested in it, but we’d love to meet them at the lodge after they’re done skiing or whatever activity they want to do.
When I heard that suggestion from not just one but several of the men I now feel free to talk about this stuff with because I’m not trying to date them, I was so surprised. That they’d be fine with that. Actually prefer it.
Especially the honesty part.
And here I thought it would be a strike against me because I wouldn’t know how to do something that they enjoyed doing.
So I’m passing this piece of advice onto you direct from the guys themselves. Save yourself a lot of needless worry and just tell him you’ll meet him at the bar after for drinks.
He’ll ski, you can shop and you’ll be together after. Or go along on the boat to watch him and his friends wakeboard but without any pretense that you’re planning on being an active participant.
Unless, of course, you want to try something new and he’s into showing you the ropes.
There!
Wasn’t that so much better than what you’d had planned? So much less stressful?
And doesn’t it feel good to have that kind of honesty between you so there’s no surprises – like you ending up on a roof while he’s thinking you’ll be skiing together on the slopes. Trust me, those surprises aren’t the kind you want in a real, authentic kind of connection.
Like I said, most of what I learned I got after the fact. It doesn’t have to be that way for you.
I used to play Snooker every saturday night with a man I was going out with because he loved Snookerand although I hated it and was no good at it I went along with it because I thought that this was expected of me and I walked home in the dark from the Nursing Home I worked at because he would not pick me up citing the reason that"Petrol was too expensive" I did it because he told me I was selfish to expect it and not knowing what a Real Relationship looked like.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for all your help, I've met an amazing guy, it's 10 months and he's asked me to marry him. I'm 49 and was never the girl they stayed with.
I was the girl who revolved her life round the guy.
The girl they Said ,I love you but am not in love with you.
But with a little help from you and learning to value myself and see my worth, and truely be myself and not be afraid to be the real me,
Well I'm getting married finally 🙂 yay me. We live together and he still opens doors for me, (including the car door) he loves to please me and see me happy,
And I am so happy , I value me and then met a guy who values me.
I set my standard and boundaries and stuck to them and got respect from him and now his heart.
Thank you thank you. I thought I was the girl no one could or would ever love,
But learnt when you truly love yourself, then you'll attract those who will love you the right way
Thanks for your help 🙂
Oh Michelle, I am so beyond excited for you. Congratulations! I know that girl all too well! What an inspiration you are of just what is possible for "that girl", one so many of us can identify with, the one we all but give up on. Thank you for sharing! For being you! For not giving up - even when I'm sure there were days you wanted to. You are more welcome than words could ever express and I'm so honored to have been a part of this journey for you. You've learned these lessons - so much more than mere lessons, but truths! - so beautifully well. You had this, Michelle, this is all you!
Michelle, your story really brightened my day 🙂 , thank you for sharing.
I'm on the road to loving me, after so many emotionally unavailable men.
I thought I was on a good path but just 3 weeks ago a guy who I'm not completely over yet, shooked my boat to wrong direction, even I KNEW perfectly well how it will end up... but the hope in us took over :/ . well another lesson learned.. back to the path 🙂
btw I really love this site, has helped me so much, thank you Jane!
Aw, so glad, Ariel! Don't fight the veering off the path along the way; it's how we refine, clarify and discover what we most need to see in our most vulnerable places - in those relationships we're still so drawn to. It's all part of the going through. 🙂
Jane, you sent me down memory lane.
I used to be like that too. I did a whole bunch of dumb things in the past for guys, although I wouldn't say I did them for love. Back then I might have said that, but now, after a long process and awakening I realize I did those things because I thought I had to in order to be accepted and feel normal, worthy of that guy's love. I thought if I didn't look presentable at all times, he'd reject me. If I said no to whatever he wanted to do, I might rock the boat, he might think I'm not what he's looking for, and so on. I was too busy trying to micromanage my every move, word, and my appearance to be liked. Little did I know that was exactly the reason why these men didn't like me. I wasn't a real, normal girl. I wasn't vulnerable in healthy ways, I looked down on myself and hated who I was, so of course, these men couldn't like me no matter how hard I tried. I always wondered why many of them prefered girls who were not accomodating, who weren't afraid to speak their minds and sometimes were even really difficult to be with, whereas I, perfect little me, was passed up.
I understand now. I'm really glad I opened my eyes and realized how much I hated myself, and that I let go of that fairy tale to realize with every fiber of my being that life is much more than having a guy with me, that I can create whatever I want and it can be just for myself. I no longer hate myself and I'm learning to accept myself and speak up and go about life without too much regard for the judgements of others. It's been a process, I still have fears and I'm slowly moving in spite of them, but I definitely feel different. I feel freer and more relaxed about my own life in general. I no longer care if the men I meet like me or not. I go on dates and do and say what I want to say, without too much thought, I wear whatever I want, and I have no expectations or any agenda. I just see that as spending time socializing and going out instead of being home isolated. I'm slowly learning to live and enjoy my life and I no longer feel like I need to be validated or looked at by a guy.
"but now, after a long process and awakening I realize I did those things because I thought I had to in order to be accepted and feel normal, worthy of that guy's love." - Beautiful, Angel. Thanks for sharing in such beautiful detail. You've captured the crux of what this is really about - us! How telling to look back now and see it all so clearly - and set yourself free.
my life is a disaster, am a person who is living a double life.what I mean is that am a bisexual and I'm starting to experience that am having strong feelings for women than men in a normal way. how can u guys help
There's nothing wrong with being bisexual, sililo. Journal the reasons why you're scared and what you're afraid of if you admit it and live freely as such.
Really. There's nothing to be afraid of and there is nothing weird or abnormal about your sexual orientation. There's only programming and confusing chatter in our minds and our culture. We all came into the world to be love: to love and be loved, regardless of gender or preferences.
I can imagine how confusing this must be, but in time, when you realize that you're still a wonderful human being like everyone else, you'll realize it's perfectly fine to be who you choose to be.
Beautifully said, Angel. Thank you.
Love yourself, Sililo. Don't fight the real you. If you need help to sort through this, find a professional who will lovingly - and without judgement - help you through this time. They're out there! Who you are is worthy of love just as you are!
it's been 5 years i met n know this guy n last year in sep he told me he started to do gardening on a fri n sunday n that i should try gardening. this year my 2 best friends told me to try and do gardening n i thought why not, it's something for me to do on a sunday apart from being at home, last year i told 1 of of my best friends about this guy i met n she said "is this the guy u were on n so me n her talked about him n found out he was a common friend"
When i started gardening in May this guy remembered me n we were still FB friends n 1 of my best friends said OMG i can't believe u know my best friend n acted like a mutual friend n asked him how he met me n told her the story. after that i started to enjoy gardening n always looked forward to it. i only went coz my 2 best friends told me not because of him. there was/is times where i feel excited b4 gardening n 1 time i got out of the car n was so happy to see him jumping up n down n my best friend told me it was a little embarrassing.
during gardening when he takes off i leave him alone n think he will come to me during break n half the time when me n him work as a team he acts like a gentleman prince charming n him doing all the talking n he comes n talks to me for advice which i think "friends who know each other a long time say that" he told me he was bored at work n not that i asked him how's work n i told him "maybe u should take a break" n he says good idea.
now we still FB friends & still see each other as i'm his longest friend on FB he's ever had. i find he's everything i want in a guy like just the right height, looks, hobbies n personality. there is times i think he's on the same page as me. he is a caring guy coz at the last gardening i told him i was emotional when i remember the day i was there at the stn 5 years ago n he was caring saying "why were u emotional" i said it was place i remembered everything on what happened.
i thinking my new years resolution is to meet this guy more apart from gardening in order to make the friendship stronger n see if he likes me more than a friend or even just a best friend.
It sounds like you've got a plan, Courtney! Actions will always tell you everything you need to know - and so much more than words themselves.