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It's Not About Him, It's About You!

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It's not about him, it's about you. A beautiful woman is lying on the grass.We've all been there, asking ourselves and everyone who's still listening to us …Why is he doing this? Why is he behaving like that? Why is he treating me this way? What is he looking for? What does he want?

But what would happen if we could change this around to be about you instead of about him?

It would sound something like...Why am I putting up with him doing this? Why am I OK with him behaving like that? Why am I allowing him to treat me this way? What am I looking for? What do I really want?

Do you see the difference?  When we switch the focus from him to us, it changes everything. We're no longer so focused on him that we forget to focus on us. We're no longer looking at every little thing he does to get a glimpse into what's really going on with him that we miss putting the time and energy and focus where it needs to be - on ourselves!

If we spend all of our time focused on another person, regardless of who they are or what they mean to us, we simply don't have enough time and energy to put the focus back on ourselves where it really matters! How can we figure out what we really need if we're so busy paying attention to what he needs? How can we begin to truly know where we're coming from, what we're all about, if we spend so much time analyzing everything about him?  How can we possibly expect to attract something different into our lives if we are so busy figuring out what he finds attractive that we haven't even begun to explore why we find someone like him so attractive?

While we may sincerely want to know the why's of him, the reality is that it's all a distraction away from us. From doing the work on ourselves to figure out what's going on inside us. It's so much easier to focus on someone else than it is to put that same type of focus on ourselves. It's so much easier to look at what's wrong with him than at what we need to do differently ourselves. But if all we do is keep our focus on him, living our lives focusing on what it is this time yet another him is doing to us, we miss the whole point.

This isn't about him; it's about you!

And the only way to attract something different, to bring someone different into our lives, is to begin that journey to understand who we really are. So that understanding can lead to a confidence in all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who's truly worthy of receiving such a gift.

Beginning with shifting the focus back from him to you.  Beautiful, radiant, confident, YOU!

Once Upon a Time There Was a Little Girl

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Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed she could do anything (Photo of little girl jumping with joy)Once upon a time you were a little girl who knew her worth couldn’t be measured; a little girl who believed in herself and her dreams, which were big dreams, and that little girl knew she could do anything and that her dreams would come true.

Until they came along and told you that you weren't all that, that you weren't worthy, and that they knew better than you did.  They told you it wasn’t ok to do this or that, that it wasn't  ladylike, or feminine, or appropriate for someone like you.  And you believed them because you believed they knew best.  And you were taught to be a good little girl so that is what a good little girl should do.

Until one day your own feelings of worth and your beliefs in yourself and what you deserve got so stuffed down inside you that you no longer believed you could follow your dreams and become whatever you wanted to.  And you began to doubt yourself  and believe instead that you had to prove yourself worthy instead of remembering that you were worthy just because you are you.Continue Reading

Changes

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Beautiful woman going through a big change in her life. She is packing and moving boxes.We’re in the middle of moving across the country. And it’s a whole different kind of move when you’re moving a family, two dogs, a lizard, and fish. There are more people and things to consider, with the heart of it being that I have the responsibility of making it as easy a transition as possible.

It’s very different from the moves I used to make as a single girl, in what seems like a short lifetime ago, where my only concern was finding the coolest place to live in with the highest population of single men possible.

Back in those single days, when a married friend of mine would be moving with her family, I was usually full of sadness. Not just because they were leaving me, but also because it was yet another reminder that I was alone, with no family giving me a reason to move.

I was the only person that I moved for, and I didn’t understand anything about that being enough way back then. It just sounded all too lonely when I compared my own life to the ones of my married girlfriends that I wanted so badly.

And so it is that I find myself going back in time and reminiscing about those moves I did back in my single days, when it was only me without much of a care in the world besides when I would finally find Mr. Right and when I thought of each move as an exciting adventure of discovery.

I remember one of my biggest moves was when I took a job transfer to another part of the country. It was so exciting. A chance to meet new people, maybe even the one, was the way I thought of it back then. A new adventure. Oh, it was an adventure all right, and I met someone who I sure thought was the one, only to come face to face with the reality of just how badly a heart can be broken when you let someone in too soon and stay far too long for your heart and soul’s own good.

Then there was the move back home, but to a new home, to a place where I would start my journey of discovery of myself, after finally landing back on my feet after more tears had been shed over another him than could fill the entire ocean. Beginning again, finding my way, making a life for myself as an individual when all my hopes and dreams for my life had been caught up in a him who could never have lived up to my misguided expectations.

And finally, there was the move when I packed up all my belongings in the back of my little Honda Civic and headed off to the land of sunshine in Southern California, full of anticipation that this was finally going to be my time, my adventure, my time to finally find myself … and him. And that was exactly where I did find him, but not before I had finally found myself for the first time in my life, in a way that I had never understood was necessary before.

But this isn’t just about me. It’s about what I learned along the way. It’s about what I understand now about how it all fits together in a way that can only be understood with the gift of hindsight and having been there before in every sense of the word. It’s what I wish I had understood and known way back at the beginning of it all.

It’s about seasons.

And how each and every season of life has a purpose and a meaning and a reason. Even the ones we don’t want to be in or wish would end before they even begin. Especially the ones where we can’t figure out the why of them. Especially those where we just want to be on to the next one. Each season is necessary on some level to take you through to the next one, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. The point is, when you look back, you’ll understand, you’ll see, you’ll see why. There’s a reason. But so often we fight the reality of the season that we’re in, questioning the wisdom of anyone who dare suggest it’s part of our story. We don’t want that part of our story, much less to acknowledge that it might be a necessary one.

It’s a simple message, but embracing it is anything but simple: Don’t get so caught up in the next season of life that you forget to enjoy the one you’re currently in.

Each season has its upsides and downsides. So often when we’re in it, wishing we were anywhere but where we are right now, we don’t see any of the good in it. We don’t see the wonderful things about it. But it’s all there. In this single season of your life, there’s the freedoms, that lack of responsibility, the ability to do anything without taking into consideration the rest of a family or other people (or animals) involved. The abundance of time you can spend focusing solely on yourself without having anyone else to pull you away from discovering and embracing the you that you truly are inside.

I get that it’s all too lonely too much of the time. I get that it’s hard to enjoy the now when you’re scared there never will be a next. All those fears that surface that keep us looking forward to that next season, the one where we will finally no longer be alone, that we can’t even enjoy all the benefits of the now.

But stop right there. Don’t look ahead anymore. It’s your time right now. Right here, right now. It’s time to embrace it even with the fear, the unknown, and with all its uncertainties. To enjoy, to embrace, to live life to its fullest right now. The rest will all happen in due time. Just as it is meant to be.

But for now, this season is yours, too. Don’t wait until you’re looking back to enjoy where you’re at right now. This is the season of your life known as YOU!

Beautiful Goodbye

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Sad beautiful woman checking phone after boyfriend broke up with her over text.
With each goodbye we lose hope.

I recently went searching for a song that I couldn't quite remember but couldn’t get out of my head, and I finally found it… A Beautiful Goodbye, by Amanda Marshall. She's a Canadian singer from a decade or so ago whose passion for life and love came through over and over again in her songs.

It got me thinking about the goodbyes that we all experience in our lives, the ones that let go of us, the ones we let go of, and the ones we should let go of and don't, and I realized that these lyrics just said everything that I was thinking about perfectly.

I turned up the volume and found myself going back in time. Back to my own painful goodbyes that were so rarely of my own choosing, but were all part of my learning and growing process, even if nothing could have convinced me of that at the time. As I listened to each of her words, everything came flooding back in a swell of tears and emotion.

It made me realize that every time there had been a goodbye, a goodbye that seemed so insignificant to him, every single time, was so painfully heart wrenching for me. As if he had just reached into me and torn my heart right out. For him, it always seemed, it was nothing more than a casual goodbye. And many times there wasn't even a formal goodbye - it just more or less dissolved until it was apparent to me that we just weren't dating any more. I was left alone again with nothing but my broken heart.

But for all of their casual nonchalance, for me it was nothing less than my world crashing down around me. It wasn’t just about me having to let go of yet another relationship that hadn’t kept up to its full potential (which was more of my own making in my own fantasy in my head, than the reality of what the relationship actually was), it was about losing my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies; all those things that little girl inside of me still believed, still wanted. And with each goodbye, with each end, I was losing hope.

As I finished listening to the song, I imagined all the pain and heartbreak of every woman who has ever experienced that kind of goodbye, where she doesn’t realize that it’s not just about the end of a relationship, but in some way, it’s actually the end of a little bit more of her. I don’t think it’s just an accident that Amanda Marshall is singing from a rooftop in the video, or that the scraps of paper are falling to the ground below, or that the wine glass finally falls so gracefully, yet forcefully from the sky to shatter into a million pieces on the ground below, just like our hearts. It's never just about a goodbye, it's about so much more than that. It's our very hearts and souls on the line.

How is it that we allow someone into our lives with such ease and without questioning whether or not they are worthy of being in any kind of a relationship with us before we let them in? How do we forget that we are worth so much more than that? What about you? What about your life? Your passions? Your soul? Your gifts to the world? Your you!

These men who end up saying goodbye, or who never say the words but just disappear from our lives, are so not worthy of any of those beautiful parts of your heart and soul! It's time to let them go. To stop letting them in in the first place. It's time to take back your own power, even if it feels like you no longer have any. It's still all there. It might be buried so deep down inside that you've forgotten you have any, but believe me, it's still there.

This is about you now. It's time to start making choices that are in the best interests of you. So let them go.

Stop the settling for anything less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn’t treat you like the beautiful woman you are, refuse to settle for those kinds of crumbs. Be absolutely clear first with yourself on how exactly you deserve to be treated, and get that crystal clear before you even accept a date with a guy, and then, and only then, observe his character, see how he treats you - what he says and does - and don’t give him anything of yourself until he shows you that he’s worthy of all that you have to offer. Not anything.

Let him prove his worth to you. Let him show you what he has to offer. Watch and observe. Don’t give yourself away. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally, not in any way no matter how amazing he seems. Until you know him well enough to consider letting him in. And then only on your terms. Not on his. Because you are the one who has worth. You are the one with everything to offer. Let him prove to you that he is deserving of you, not the other way around.

You, beautiful, radiant, loving you, deserve nothing less than this!

Finding Your Best Self

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Concept of a woman freeing herself from the chains of bondage
It begins with this.

We hear it all the time: be your best self!  But what does that really mean?  How do we be our best selves?  We may spend a small fortune on a new wardrobe of all of the latest trendy styles, buy a membership to the best fitness club, or get a sporty new car.  But we still feel the same.  We might have changed some things but we don’t feel any different.  We’re still our same old selves. So why don’t we feel any different?  Because that’s not what it’s about.Continue Reading

Stop Trying To Be Something You're Not!

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Don't hide your true personality
Don't hide your true personality

Bending and twisting yourself like a pretzel to fit what you think the person you're attracted to wants might get him interested, but here's why he won't stick around for long.

This is the eighth and final post in our series 8 Signs You Aren’t Ready for a Relationship.

If you often find that you're trying to change something about yourself thinking it will make you more attractive to the guy you just met, or just started dating, then you are, like I was, lacking in self-esteem and confidence. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is very common but it means that you need to work on finding and loving the real you before trying to love someone else.

This was my dating pitfall: I used to think it was all about showing a guy that I really was all that.  I felt that I had to show him just how wonderful I was, and make him realize that I was everything he had ever wanted in a woman.  And I mistakenly thought that I could do that by loving everything that he loved, by wanting to do everything that he wanted to do, and by showing him just how much we had in common (even when we really didn’t.)

What I didn’t realize back then was that it all just set the stage for a relationship that wasn’t authentic, wasn’t truly honest, and wasn’t about two real people bringing their own true selves into the relationship.  I also didn't understand that any potential the relationship might have had would come to a striking halt because I wasn’t being true to myself.  Ironically, it was the exact opposite of what I was hoping to get – a real relationship.

It was a pattern I repeated over and over again, and I just couldn't figure out how he could be so interested in the beginning and then suddenly not interested at all. What I didn’t understand then that I finally understood much later was that I was just fluff.  I was only giving him that part of me that I thought was what he wanted, what I thought that most guys wanted.  But the problem was that I really didn’t know how to be anything else after that.  I was so intent on being the perfect package, that I wasn’t my own person.  I was just a mirror of him.

While that might work in the beginning, and get him interested, it doesn't last because any true relationship requires both give and take. Both partners have to complement the other in order for each, and the relationship, to grow.

One of my favorite books from my dating years that helped me to understand this problem and to work through it was Marianne Williamson's A Woman's Worth. The copyright on it is 1993, making it now considered a classic, but her words are just as true today as they ever were. I still have my dog-eared copy with its yellowing, note-riddled pages on my bookshelf.

I think this excerpt makes the point very well:

"There is a difference between getting a partner and attracting a partner. Getting implies that our hooks work; attracting means that our light is bright and appears like a beacon to one who is meant to see it. When we try to get a partner, we increase our chances of getting the wrong one. Yes, we can hook one perhaps, but a hook in him is a hook in us. We either end up neurotically obsessed, or he figures out it's a hook and does his own casting off. When we attract love by an  intensified connection to the spirit inside, we take responsibility for the energy around us, harmonizing it in such a way that those who come forward – who we sense are meant to be with us – connect with us out of similarly pure intent."

Her words woke me up to the reality that by trying to be something I wasn't, trying to be something that I thought these guys wanted that I didn't have naturally, something that I'd have to fake, that this trying was exactly what was causing me to continue to have failing relationships! And this realization created such a calming, peaceful, zen-like feeling that washed over me, and for the first time in my dating life I felt like I could just relax. Stop trying so hard. Just be. Live. Love life.

It was then that I finally realized that I could just be the person I wanted to be, without worrying that I wasn't hip enough or wasn't into things that guys might like. It didn't matter. I would just be who I was, and do what I loved doing, and I trusted that there would be someone out there who would love me for everything that I really was (or at least love most of me, and tolerate the rest.)

So if you find yourself like I was, trying hard to get a guy to like you, trying to be what you think he wants, just stop. Breathe. Relax. Stop trying so hard. And then be yourself. If you don't know who she is, then go find her – that's what I had to do. It's understandable, after trying to be someone different for so long, probably even someone different for each guy, that you don't even know the real you anymore.

Spend some time getting to know that gorgeous, wonderful woman that is you. Let your light shine for the world to see, and let your light be a beacon so that equally gorgeous, wonderful guy can find you in this crazy ocean fog of modern life. You won't know what he looks like, in fact he might be completely different, physically, from what you expected, but you'll know him when you meet him.

And he'll know you because of your beautiful, bright, shining light.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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