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It's Just Not Sustainable

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A beautiful woman is talking on her phone trying to get her ex backWe've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love  us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting  him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self,  you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

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A beautiful woman is on a date and she is confident because she knows her worth and knows what she brings to the table.I get it. I used to do it to.

We all think about what we need to do to get his attention. Sure, we think about what we want in a guy, but as soon as we meet a guy like that, our thoughts turn to trying to figure out how we can catch him.

As in, he's such a great catch. We try to be sexy. We try to be hip, or cool, or loving or whatever other adjective we think might get him to pick us. To choose us over the others.

We get so caught up in thinking about him that we forget that there’s a whole lot more to this story - the part of the story that’s all about you!

You see, this isn't all about him. We've all been programmed by our culture, the media, and our families and friends to believe it's all about being desirable.

We spend all of our time focusing on what we can do or be to make him like us, make him choose us, make him fall in love with us and make him want to spend the rest of his life with us.

But we’re missing something here!

You.

This is about knowing who you are, and knowing your worth.Continue Reading

Our Culture of Hoping to be Chosen

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A beautiful blonde woman stands with her hands up and fingers crossed smiling and hoping to be chosen.Remember back in High School in Phys Ed class where you would stand in line while two of the most popular girls – the captains -  picked who would be on their teams?

Pick me, pick me – most of us called out, silently if not out loud.

And then one by one every girl would be picked until the very end when they would divvy up the best of the worst and begrudgingly allow them to be on their teams.

Sound familiar?

If you were like I was then you were one of the last picked, one of the ones who no one really wanted, but at the end would finally be allowed on.

And even if you weren't the last to be picked, you knew that you never wanted to be and always made sure you were good enough to ensure yourself a spot among those who were picked early on or at least somewhere in the un-noticeable middle area. Either way, the culture of hoping to be chosen all too early on became a huge part of all our reality, even if we didn't call it that.

Not much has changed.

We may not be in high school anymore, but the concept and the culture is still very much the same. Pick me, pick me, we say – usually it’s our silent cry now, but it’s still very much a part of our psyche.

And so it’s no wonder with this memory still fresh in the back of our minds, we still believe we have to be chosen by someone outside of ourselves to be truly accepted in this life.

And that’s why this matters so much.

That’s why we try so hard as if our very life depended on it; because for most of us, it really feels like it does.

And that’s why we take it so personally – because back then, as insecure children, it was that personal. Our classmates were our peers and they were our world for the greater part of our waking hours every single day.

So what they thought of us, and how they treated us, were everything to our growing sense of self-esteem and self-worth.  We didn't have the maturity or confidence to know that what they said or did or thought of us didn't matter – that in reality they weren't any better than us even though it felt that way because what we were in was a popularity contest.

We didn't know then that there was a life outside of that culture because that was all we knew and it was all we had.

So it’s of little wonder we've transferred this same culture to our work, to our social life and most of all to ourselves. It’s never left us – it’s such an ingrained part of every single one of us.

Until we can see it for what it really is - a part of our culture and not a part of ourselves unless we choose to make it this way.

We may not have been able to choose a different way or to separate ourselves from the culture when we were children or before we knew any better. But once we know, we are the ones who can take back our own power by deciding whether this is still working for us.  We can decide if this type of mindset serves our beautiful selves well, and we can choose what we want to do with it, regardless of how ingrained it is.

This isn't high school anymore.

You’re the one doing the choosing here, Beautiful. You’re the one who decides whether or not he’s worth your beautiful you based on the reality of who he is and what he has to offer you and not on some potential that only you can see.

Your worth isn't dependent on whether or not someone chooses to be with you or not. You’re the one who’s in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

We change the old mindset when we expose the old lies that have us believing that we’re only something if someone is choosing us by remembering this …

A woman who knows her own worth doesn't need to chase after anyone.

A woman who knows her value doesn't need to make anyone want to be with her.

A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.

A woman who understands that she’s the one doing the choosing never has to convince someone of all the reasons he would want to be with her.

And she knows all this to be true.

We might not be able to change our culture, but we can change ourselves and how much we allow our culture to be a part of our lives.

You always were, and continue to be, far more powerful than you even know!

It's Time to Take Back Your Power

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A beautiful woman standing firmly with her arms crossed in front of her depicting that she is learning to say no
Because you are just that powerful!

What you’re really asking is: where’s the dating manual that gives you the rules to navigate this crazy world of love?

It doesn't feel anything like it was supposed to feel like.

It doesn't look anything like what it was supposed to look like.

At least not at this point in your life.

And now I’m telling you you’re powerful? The last thing you feel is powerful!

But, my beautiful friend, that’s exactly what the problem is.

You’re missing the most crucial point of this all! It doesn't have to be like this.

You can take your power back, the power you've actually had all along, and you can set your own terms and see who shows up and who falls back.

It’s an adventure. You can detach and enjoy, and finally see this dating, relationship – this looking for love - for the adventure it can be!Continue Reading

It's NOT Your Fault

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A close-up of the face of a beautiful woman with a tear rolling down her cheek. It's not your fault.You don't say it, but I hear it.

It's because I've been there, too. It's in the mostly wordless shame and doubt and unworthiness that comes through in between the lines of your written words. The words may be different, your stories may be very different, but the unspoken feeling is the same:

You feel like this is your punishment.

This common theme emerges. I'm being punished for something.

If we trace this back, its roots are deep within our culture, deep within our religions, and deep within those people who meant well but somehow passed along the opposite message of what they intended.

We feel we failed.

We feel like we made poor choices, we made mistakes, we did something wrong.  This life we are living, this seemingly endless search we are on, we feel this is our punishment.

This feeling of unworthiness, this lack of love in our lives. We believe it's all our fault.

We feel like we can't measure up, that we failed the test, that we can never make it up; that we are unlovable, unworthy, and this loneliness, this pattern of being with men who treat us this way, this pattern of coming close but never quite getting to real love, is our punishment.

And the worst part is, we believe we can't make up for it. It's a heavy judgment we allow ourselves to bear.

If you know all too well what I'm talking about, then I have something especially for you to remember. Wherever you've been, whatever you've been through, there is so much still to come for you. It is still your birthright to love and be loved just as you are.

The effects of thinking like this, of seeing this so black and white with such judgment on ourselves only feeds these feelings of unworthiness that leave us stuck and missing out on so much that love and life have to offer us.

It's not true.

It might serve our culture well to continue the pattern of blame, and shame, and punishment, but it doesn't serve you well, my beautiful friend.

It's time to throw off those deep, dark feelings of shame; to refuse to take on any more of their stuff. It's time to lighten your load, to remind yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone worthy of you and to get out from under that oppressive belief system.

It's time to stop believing that you deserve to be punished.

Here's the truth.

You are loved, you are worthy, you are deserving of all that is loving and beautiful in the world! You deserve nothing less than this, my beautiful friend. And when you finally see the truth in this, when you finally realize that in your heart, you've known this all along, you will see what is waiting there for you.

That's where love is.

Make Him Prove That He's Worthy Of You

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Only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer. A man is kissing a beautiful woman hoping he can prove that he is worthy of her love. We've gotten so used to making this about everything except love that we don't even know how to get back to where we need to be. Somewhere along the way we unfortunately learned to believe that we need to prove something. That we need to show him, or maybe everyone, that we really do have value, that we really are all that. That we need to prove ourselves worthy.

We've traveled so far from our true selves that it's no wonder that we've found ourselves alone and questioning the meaning of life.

So alone.

Is it really any surprise? We've learned to be what everyone seems to be telling us that these guys want us to be – sexy, cool, hip, etc. We believe we need to show him all we've got, lay it all out there, so that we get noticed and we can catch him.

I used to think it was all about being that beautiful, sexy woman who would make every man want to be with her. What I didn't realize was that I was acting that way because I thought I had to – I thought that's what every man really wanted in a woman. I finally realized that I was only attracting the player types, because the others who actually wanted a committed relationship with an eventual real life partner weren't interested, or were scared off.  They were all getting together and settling down with real women who were just being themselves and who were honest about what they were looking for!

I had no clue what real love looked like. The truth was I had no idea what I was doing, and what I was doing wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I would hear about someone who was nothing special in the ways I though mattered (read: looks, sexiness) who was getting married, having children, beginning that life that I so wanted for myself. And there I was, acting the way I thought I was supposed to act, being that person I thought I was supposed to be, the type that every man supposedly wanted, only to come to the startling realization that I had it all wrong.

Real men want the real you.

The kind of men I actually wanted to be with, men who were looking for a real, committed relationship,  didn't want someone like that. They wanted the real me, not the image of this artificial me I was trying so hard to project. The others, the swaggering player types who wanted the challenge I was presenting them with, wanted me but not for the reasons I wanted.

Until one day, I got it.

I started putting the pieces together, started reading between the lines of my life. I finally realized that I wasn't in a movie, or a fairy tale; this was my life. I hadn't found success in love with what I thought was my type, which was really just our culture and the media telling me what should be my type. I had no idea what my type was anymore, and I had no idea who I really was.

And from that place of no man's land, I found the only thing that mattered. Love. Love for myself first. And love for another human being second. I had to get to the basics of who I really was, and let go of who I wasn't.

I had to admit what it was I really wanted. If it was love I wanted, I had to be honest with myself and realize there was no shame in being upfront about what my heart and soul truly desired. I had to admit that I might have it wrong and that there might be something to this simple way of just being and loving and focusing solely on the simplicity of love instead of the illusion of the game of extreme attraction.

It's OK to admit you want love.

I had to admit that I wanted love, and no, it wasn't needy for me to admit that; it was confident. I had to admit that I just wanted someone to love me, and he didn't have to be someone everyone would be jealous of. This wasn't about me looking good with someone, or finding someone who measured up to the standard that I always felt I had to measure up to in every way. This false standard created by our media-driven culture.

I could finally stop caring about what other people would think, and just find someone to love who loved me the same way.

That's it! Do you get that? This isn't about all the other stuff, all the unhealthy background baggage that you and I and all of our girlfriends bring to our relationships.

This isn't about you proving something to yourself or anyone else. He doesn't have to look like Bradley Cooper or a guy right out of a firefighter calendar. He doesn't have to be anything except someone who loves you, who gets you, who's compatible with you, who would make a great husband and father.

Do you see the difference?

We were created to love.

We women were biologically made to love, to give, to inspire, to care. In our hearts and souls what we really want at the end of the day, more than anything, is to have someone to come home to! Someone to hold us, to love us, to care about us, to calm our fears, to chase away all of our demons.

And what do we offer in return? We don't know anymore. We're so confused.

We've made it so complicated.

We've gotten so used to playing a role, being everything we're supposed to strive to be, when in reality, it's left us nowhere. We don't know how to get together anymore.

Men aren't used to the concept of being able to conquer us so easily. They don't know what to do with that! We cave so easily because we think that's what it's about. Being liberated. When in reality, giving ourselves away like we do feels anything like liberating.

It feels awful when the ecstasy wears off and we realize we did it again and he's not calling us again. The downward spiral continues as we beat ourselves up. Why can't we be stronger than that? And then the anger comes; we're supposed to be able to handle giving ourselves away like this – it's not supposed to feel this bad!

But it does feel bad.

It doesn't work both ways.  We have to figure out who we are and what we really want. To prioritize and then focus on our priorities and not be swayed by our attraction to the unhealthy, as we work on loving ourselves and letting go of the things that trigger us to attract the unhealthy men and relationships we attract. Stop.

We can blame, we can go back in time as far as we want. But in the end, it's not about the past. It's about recognizing we all have a past, we all have baggage, we all do the things we do because of things beyond our control. But going back and back and figuring ourselves out doesn't do anything for where we are now. We're still alone. We're still lonely. We're still loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up, filling ourselves with regrets and if only.

Stop.

You're here right now. It's time to look again. To see yourself in a whole new way. Real. True. Imperfect. With nothing to prove. Nothing to show. Just here to love. And be loving. And show love. On a level that's safe. Respectful of you. Beautiful you. Guarded. Which means, you give your love to everyone, you shine your beautiful light of you all around you, but you only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer on that deeper level.

And when they see you with the love of your life, they'll know you didn't settle for anything less than you deserved.

You saw. You chose. You became free.

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