you are beautiful

You Don't Need to Be Chosen

I see you everywhere I go. All around me, you're everywhere. So much insecurity. So many of you deferring to these guys. Hanging on to them so tightly, literally. Like you need them.

You believe you do. It’s the flawed belief system that’s in so many of you. You're not flawed; it's just the system you bought into, that you've been programmed with.

It's your beliefs that fuel the insecurities, making you believe you need a guy to choose you in order for you to be all right. I know, because I've been there.

I see you. You’re dressed to attract (the wrong guys). You’re talking to attract (the wrong guys). But if they’ll just hold your hand one more time you’ll take it, because you need that to know you have worth.

You just don’t realize you already have worth, without them; that you have a birthright to claim, just because you’re you. Just the way you are.

But you won’t believe it, because no one makes you feel OK, no one has ever made you feel OK; in fact just the opposite.

But the point is that you don't need anyone else to make you feel OK. You can just feel OK, make yourself feel OK by just being yourself. Just reveling in you. Because you is where it’s at. You’re special just because you’re you. Not anyone else.

But you won’t believe it; no one does. And you can’t get that empty “who do I think I am?” feeling out of your head.

Because we all shortchange ourselves. Believe we’re nothing. Believing we're nothing without being chosen, without a worthy guy to make us worthy. Without a guy who measures up in our culture with what our culture says he needs to be. What we need to be.

So there you are, all dolled up, all sexy, showing your worth, showing what you've got. Because if you’re not putting it out there, someone else will and she’ll be picked. She’ll be the chosen one. Because that's what we think it’s all about.

Pick me, pick me, please pick me.

I hear you because I used to be saying it too. And now I'm trying to drown out all those other voices with mine, saying, beautiful one, beautiful you, come home to yourself, and the beauty that is in you; the beauty that is you.

Being chosen is a lie. You've got it all inside. You don’t need anyone outside of yourself to make you feel alive. You were picked on the day you were conceived.

The universe became a better place on the day you entered the world.

Real Love

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Real love never leaves you hanging.

Real love never keeps you guessing.

Real love never leaves you wondering.

Real love never makes you feel bad.

Real love never makes you question yourself.

Real love never makes you feel anxious or insecure.

Real love never makes you feel alone.

Real love never hurts.

If you're feeling any of these, it's not real love, so don't be fooled into calling it that. Don't try to convince yourself that you have to put up with someone's hurtful behavior or settle for their crumbs all in the name of love because real love just doesn't work that way.

We sometimes call it real love because it's all we've ever known love to be about, but just because that's been our past experience, it doesn't mean it's true.

It's not.

The irony is that sometimes we have to give up our preconceived notions of what love is in order to find out what real love truly is.

And when you find it, when you experience the sweet gift of real love, you will know without a doubt what it is. Until then, it's about letting go of any love that falls short of honoring your beautiful you and all that you are and have to offer. It's about learning to love yourself so that you can begin to feel what it's like to be loved for who you truly are.

It's about sifting through the players and users who use love like it's a game to be won at your heart and soul's expense. It's about learning to say no when our old selves are crying out yes. It's about embracing every part of ourselves; our whole selves that includes our faults and flaws. And seeing the beauty within. The love we have to offer. The hearts we all too willingly give for so little in return.

There is such a beauty within if we could just learn to recognize it ourselves. Once we see that, once we get who we really are, what we have to give, and the real prize we truly are for the right kind of man, we see that there is no question that we must hold onto ourselves until we have seen what he is offering us.

5 Secrets to Staying Sane In a World of Couples

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Does it sometimes feel like everyone in the world is in a relationship except you? I've been there, and here are five secrets I learned along the way that will save your sanity!

I remember that feeling that would come over me when, as a single girl, I would get an invitation to a party or a wedding or another event where I knew there would be mostly couples in attendance. As much as I would look on the positive side and think I might meet Mr. Right there (because that was always in the back of my mind), the reality was my married friends would all have each other and I would once again feel like the fifth wheel I always seemed to be.

It always seemed to be little old single me amongst all the happy, smiling couples who seemed to have everything I was looking for. No matter how much I tried to feel ok by myself, that deep longing to be part of a couple never went away. Nor did the feeling that there was something wrong with me that made me wonder if I would ever figure out what it was I was supposed to do to be on the other side. On that elusive couples side that always seemed to escape me.

No matter how much we may believe we are living in a different world today where it's more common than ever to be single or at least to marry much later in life, the reality is that it's almost impossible to forget that we are living in a couple's world. From the numerous times you're asked if you're dating anyone, or why you're not married yet (or something else along those lines), to the special rates offered to couples everywhere from gyms to resorts to big box stores, the implied message is always the same – if you're not part of a couple, there's something wrong with you!

Or at least that was how I always felt. For those of you who are able to ignore those messages and live your single lives to the fullest without feeling that way somewhere deep down inside, I admire you for being able to authentically be in that space amid such external pressure. But for the rest of us, I've got a few things to share with you that I wish I had understood back when I was feeling so discontented being single when everyone else seemed to be with someone.

So what's a single gal to do in this couples world? Plenty:

1. Focus on YOU!

That's right – you. That beautiful person who looks back at you when you look in the mirror. Take an inventory of everything you have in your life right now. Look at the things you want to do, the places you want to visit, the experiences you want to have, and start making those things happen now; don't wait to start living until you've found someone to share your life with. Live your life like you've never lived it before.

2. Remember that this is only temporary.

There are so many seasons in life. This is only one of them. Don't get so caught up in looking forward to the next seasons that you forget to enjoy the season that you're currently living in. There will be positive and negative aspects to each period of your life; instead of looking at the future as being better than here, focus on what is great about right now.

3. Give yourself a reality check about being part of a couple.

Spend some time with a married couple or a friend who's in a long term relationship to see the realities first hand for yourself. Being a part of a couple is wonderful, but maintaining a healthy relationship is not without its challenges. A reality check while being around them can give you a fresh perspective on some of the benefits of being single that you may not have realized in your quest to being part of a couple. This perspective can help to inspire you to enjoy your singlehood to the fullest.

4. Ignore the cultural messages.

Remember that most of it is just programming and marketing, and the culture doesn't reflect what is going on in your life. Hard to do, I know, but if you remind yourself of just how many single people there are out there, and especially how much money is made off of advertising that targets getting married, having a family and living happily ever after, it will help you see just how much of these cultural messages are actually part of big business, and not about your love life (or lack of one).

5. Remember to breathe!

Go easy on yourself. Stop being so hard on yourself. Just because you've been where you've been and gone through your experiences doesn't mean you're set up to repeat the same patterns over and over again. You can make changes; you can do things differently; you can stop repeating old patterns and you can (and will) attract someone different into your life as you begin to realize those baby steps towards changing those old patterns.

Remember, this is your time, your space, your season, your life. Don't let someone else's idea of what it means to be happy take away from the joy of being you.

Radiant, beautiful, confident, currently single YOU!

Once Upon a Time There Was a Little Girl

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Once upon a time you were a little girl who knew her worth couldn’t be measured; a little girl who believed in herself and her dreams, which were big dreams, and that little girl knew she could do anything and that her dreams would come true.

Until they came along and told you that you weren't all that, that you weren't worthy, and that they knew better than you did. They told you it wasn’t ok to do this or that, that it wasn't ladylike, or feminine, or appropriate for someone like you. And you believed them because you believed they knew best. And you were taught to be a good little girl so that is what a good little girl should do.

Until one day your own feelings of worth and your beliefs in yourself and what you deserve got so stuffed down inside you that you no longer believed you could follow your dreams and become whatever you wanted to. And you began to doubt yourself and believe instead that you had to prove yourself worthy instead of remembering that you were worthy just because you are you.Continue Reading

Beautiful Goodbye

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Sad beautiful woman checking phone after boyfriend broke up with her over text. — With each goodbye we lose hope.

I recently went searching for a song that I couldn't quite remember but couldn’t get out of my head, and I finally found it… A Beautiful Goodbye, by Amanda Marshall. She's a Canadian singer from a decade or so ago whose passion for life and love came through over and over again in her songs.

It got me thinking about the goodbyes that we all experience in our lives, the ones that let go of us, the ones we let go of, and the ones we should let go of and don't, and I realized that these lyrics just said everything that I was thinking about perfectly.

I turned up the volume and found myself going back in time. Back to my own painful goodbyes that were so rarely of my own choosing, but were all part of my learning and growing process, even if nothing could have convinced me of that at the time. As I listened to each of her words, everything came flooding back in a swell of tears and emotion.

It made me realize that every time there had been a goodbye, a goodbye that seemed so insignificant to him, every single time, was so painfully heart wrenching for me. As if he had just reached into me and torn my heart right out. For him, it always seemed, it was nothing more than a casual goodbye. And many times there wasn't even a formal goodbye - it just more or less dissolved until it was apparent to me that we just weren't dating any more. I was left alone again with nothing but my broken heart.

But for all of their casual nonchalance, for me it was nothing less than my world crashing down around me. It wasn’t just about me having to let go of yet another relationship that hadn’t kept up to its full potential (which was more of my own making in my own fantasy in my head, than the reality of what the relationship actually was), it was about losing my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies; all those things that little girl inside of me still believed, still wanted. And with each goodbye, with each end, I was losing hope.

As I finished listening to the song, I imagined all the pain and heartbreak of every woman who has ever experienced that kind of goodbye, where she doesn’t realize that it’s not just about the end of a relationship, but in some way, it’s actually the end of a little bit more of her. I don’t think it’s just an accident that Amanda Marshall is singing from a rooftop in the video, or that the scraps of paper are falling to the ground below, or that the wine glass finally falls so gracefully, yet forcefully from the sky to shatter into a million pieces on the ground below, just like our hearts. It's never just about a goodbye, it's about so much more than that. It's our very hearts and souls on the line.

How is it that we allow someone into our lives with such ease and without questioning whether or not they are worthy of being in any kind of a relationship with us before we let them in? How do we forget that we are worth so much more than that? What about you? What about your life? Your passions? Your soul? Your gifts to the world? Your you!

These men who end up saying goodbye, or who never say the words but just disappear from our lives, are so not worthy of any of those beautiful parts of your heart and soul! It's time to let them go. To stop letting them in in the first place. It's time to take back your own power, even if it feels like you no longer have any. It's still all there. It might be buried so deep down inside that you've forgotten you have any, but believe me, it's still there.

This is about you now. It's time to start making choices that are in the best interests of you. So let them go.

Stop the settling for anything less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn’t treat you like the beautiful woman you are, refuse to settle for those kinds of crumbs. Be absolutely clear first with yourself on how exactly you deserve to be treated, and get that crystal clear before you even accept a date with a guy, and then, and only then, observe his character, see how he treats you - what he says and does - and don’t give him anything of yourself until he shows you that he’s worthy of all that you have to offer. Not anything.

Let him prove his worth to you. Let him show you what he has to offer. Watch and observe. Don’t give yourself away. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally, not in any way no matter how amazing he seems. Until you know him well enough to consider letting him in. And then only on your terms. Not on his. Because you are the one who has worth. You are the one with everything to offer. Let him prove to you that he is deserving of you, not the other way around.

You, beautiful, radiant, loving you, deserve nothing less than this!

It Takes Time

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Beautiful lonely girl dreamin and thinking while waiting for date in the city ocean pier at sunset time. — And courage.

Any type of positive change is a process that takes place over a period of time - be gentle with yourself and allow yourself that time.

In thinking about my last post about things I would do differently knowing what I now know, I realized that I forgot to mention something very important - this process took me a long time. And I didn't find the love of my life right after I started changing what I was doing. It took time.

Changing yourself takes time.

This learning about ourselves and getting to the roots of why we keep attracting the wrong guys takes time. This looking deep within to figure out why. This learning to start saying no to the ones we've come to call our type and to start opening our eyes to the ones who just might be our real type. It all takes time. This is all the work of getting in touch with ourselves and charting a new path to ourselves first, and then to another human being. It's never quick or painless.

Awareness is the first step.

Awareness is always the first step, but the actual change in who we're attracting, the types of men we're still attracted to, the deeply ingrained patterns and habits of ourselves and our relationships and the way we date, the way we are with this whole meeting and attracting and relating to men in healthy, confident ways - this all takes time. And courage. And strength. And energy. And the ability to be honest with ourselves and others. To be real. To refuse to give up when it seems to be taking too long and we're not seeing any tangible progress.

I remember when I began having all those aha moments as I began reading the first self-help books I would discover after the end of my most devastating break-up. I figured I was breaking so much ground with understanding what had happened and why, that I would surely start attracting a healthier guy and relationship the very next time. But it didn't happen like that. He was still almost the same guy, just a different name and look, because I still hadn't gotten to the deep roots of my dating and attraction patterns. That would take much longer; much more work, much more uncovering what was really going on with my patterns and types. Because change like this always takes time.

Two steps forward, one step back.

So think of it as two steps forward, one step backward. Baby steps. Change takes time. Getting real and honest and applying what our inner self knows to be true about what we really deserve and living like we actually believe it, takes time. Learning to say no when all we want is to be loved, takes time. Learning to respect ourselves enough to let something with so much potential walk away when it's hurting us more often than it's loving us, takes time. Learning to take a chance on something new and different when we're not feeling it right away, takes time. Learning to put ourselves first instead of deferring to what he wants, takes time. Learning to refuse to settle for those crumbs that can feel oh so good, takes time. Remembering who we are, all that we have to offer, and that we deserve nothing less than someone who loves us the way we are so deserving to be loved, takes time.

Go easy on yourself.

So if it's taking you longer than you'd like to realize and really understand these truths, be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. And know that reminding yourself as often as possible that you are beautiful (you are!), you deserve to be loved (it's true!), and that you have amazing gifts to bring into a relationship (you do!), will make it real.

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You Don't Need to Be Chosen

Real Love

5 Secrets to Staying Sane In a World of Couples

1. Focus on YOU!

2. Remember that this is only temporary.

3. Give yourself a reality check about being part of a couple.

4. Ignore the cultural messages.

5. Remember to breathe!

Once Upon a Time There Was a Little Girl

Beautiful Goodbye

It Takes Time

Changing yourself takes time.

Awareness is the first step.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Go easy on yourself.

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