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It's Not About Him, It's About You!

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It's not about him, it's about you. A beautiful woman is lying on the grass.We've all been there, asking ourselves and everyone who's still listening to us …Why is he doing this? Why is he behaving like that? Why is he treating me this way? What is he looking for? What does he want?

But what would happen if we could change this around to be about you instead of about him?

It would sound something like...Why am I putting up with him doing this? Why am I OK with him behaving like that? Why am I allowing him to treat me this way? What am I looking for? What do I really want?

Do you see the difference?  When we switch the focus from him to us, it changes everything. We're no longer so focused on him that we forget to focus on us. We're no longer looking at every little thing he does to get a glimpse into what's really going on with him that we miss putting the time and energy and focus where it needs to be - on ourselves!

If we spend all of our time focused on another person, regardless of who they are or what they mean to us, we simply don't have enough time and energy to put the focus back on ourselves where it really matters! How can we figure out what we really need if we're so busy paying attention to what he needs? How can we begin to truly know where we're coming from, what we're all about, if we spend so much time analyzing everything about him?  How can we possibly expect to attract something different into our lives if we are so busy figuring out what he finds attractive that we haven't even begun to explore why we find someone like him so attractive?

While we may sincerely want to know the why's of him, the reality is that it's all a distraction away from us. From doing the work on ourselves to figure out what's going on inside us. It's so much easier to focus on someone else than it is to put that same type of focus on ourselves. It's so much easier to look at what's wrong with him than at what we need to do differently ourselves. But if all we do is keep our focus on him, living our lives focusing on what it is this time yet another him is doing to us, we miss the whole point.

This isn't about him; it's about you!

And the only way to attract something different, to bring someone different into our lives, is to begin that journey to understand who we really are. So that understanding can lead to a confidence in all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who's truly worthy of receiving such a gift.

Beginning with shifting the focus back from him to you.  Beautiful, radiant, confident, YOU!

Boundaries

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Set and respect your boundaries in a relationship. Beautiful woman standing by her personal boundaries by setting boundaries in relationships. Here's what you need to know to get him to respect your boundaries. 

Looking back, I realize that one of the things that most contributed to my many rocky relationship roller coaster rides was the whole thing about boundaries, or, more accurately, the lack thereof.

Although there are many different definitions and ideas out there about what boundaries are and aren’t (and a whole bunch of self-help books on that exact subject to go along with it), the simplest way to think of boundaries regarding these relationships we’re in is this question: At what point do we stand up and let someone know we are not okay with something they are doing?

Sound simple?

Continue Reading

Ten Things I Would Do Differently

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Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I wouldn't be so scared.

… if I could do it all over again.

1. I would spend less time worrying about how we were ever going to find each other.

I would know when we were both truly ready for each other, we would find each other.

2. I wouldn’t try so hard to change myself to be what he wanted me to be.

I would know I didn’t have to be anything except myself.

3. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to relationships that didn’t honor or respect who I was inside.

I would know that I deserved better than crumbs and that it was only by refusing to settle for anything less than what I deserved that I would finally get it right.

4. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to another him that I thought was the best I was going to get.

I would know that no guy, no matter how amazing or wonderful (or whatever he is), is worth losing myself for.

5. I wouldn’t be so scared of being alone.

I would know that it’s in being alone that I learn who I am, what I’m about, and what makes me me.

6. I wouldn’t be so scared that someone else was going to find him first.

I would know that scarcity is a lie that we’re brought up, but it’s not true. There’s always enough of everything if we believe it – even if we’re talking about men.

7. I wouldn’t be so scared that the art of finding Mr. Right was somehow in everyone else but not me. That they had the magic in them but not me.

I would know that everyone has the magic in them just by being alive and that I didn’t ever have to be afraid of missing him.

8. I wouldn’t wonder if I was worth someone looking for me and waiting to find me, too.

I would know that I have worth just because I exist.

9. I wouldn’t think that finding him (and keeping him) was about using some magical formula, or some perfect prescription, or playing games or any other manipulative tactics.

I would know that it’s about being real, honest, and authentic; without the games, the acting, the manipulating and the pretending.

10. I wouldn’t be so worried that it was never going to happen to me because I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t deserving enough.

I would know that dreams really do come true, even for me, no matter where I’ve been, what I’ve done or what I’ve been through.

…because that’s the key. It’s not about him, it’s about you. It’s about getting out and doing the things you enjoy, living the life that you were meant to live. And it’s in doing those things that one day, somehow, somewhere, without you even knowing it, that’s when it’s going to happen. Your dream. Your happily after after. The real thing. At exactly the time that you are both ready for each other; and not one moment before.

How about you? What would you do differently? Tell us about it in the comments!

3 Ways to Know He's a Keeper

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A beautiful woman holding up three fingers indicating 3 signs he's a keeper.
These 3 things better be at the top of your "must have" list.

All too often we overlook the three most important essentials of a real relationship.

Looking back, these seem so obvious to me, but it wasn’t so clear back when I was dating.

Of all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, of all my “must haves” on my quest for finding my own Mr. Right, I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to the three things that I now realize are what actually really matter.

We all have our own lists of “must haves”, but these three should be at the top of everyone’s list.Continue Reading

He Might Be Right In Front of You

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A beautiful woman is re-thinking a relationship with the nice guy.
Don't overlook that genuinely nice guy just because you don't think he's your type.

Sometimes the perfect guy for you has been right there all along, you just didn't notice.

Buried in between all the unhealthy relationships that never turned out the way I wanted them to; in between all those heartbreaking dramatic episodes with guys that could never give me what I was so looking for, there were a few men who were what I now recognize as really healthy, relationship material kind of guys.

But at the time I was just not open to seeing them that way; instead I continued to chase the unhealthy romantic fantasies about love that I had in my head.

These were genuinely good guys who were looking for an exclusive relationship, weren't afraid of commitment, were honest, were real and didn't play games.

Guys who would talk about real life everyday topics, would call when they said they were going to call, show up and plan ahead for when we would see each other so I felt confident that I was a priority, and basically treated me the way I actually wanted to be treated.

But because they weren't igniting my own unhealthy chemistry indicator, or maybe because they weren't going full tilt on the romantic pursuit that made me feel so desirable and worthy, they never stood a chance.Continue Reading

Are You Being Too Picky, Or Not Picky Enough?

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Are you being too picky, or not picky enough?

You may think you're refusing to settle, when in reality you're settling for less than what you really want.

I recently reconnected with a friend of mine from my single, dating days. Back then she and I were searching for Mr. Right together, and we spent a lot of time discussing the men we were dating and analyzing our various relationships.

This woman is beautiful, talented, funny, very hip and is a lot of fun to be around. She's now in her mid-forties.

She's also single.

Too picky?

It really got me thinking about the idea of being picky, and not settling for less than you want.

We both had our lists. Not necessarily written lists (although I had various versions of written lists over the years), but we always carried with us in our minds subconscious lists of our must haves that were the driving force behind deciding whether or not to get involved with a particular guy.  Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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