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Once Upon a Time There Was a Little Girl

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Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed she could do anything (Photo of little girl jumping with joy)Once upon a time you were a little girl who knew her worth couldn’t be measured; a little girl who believed in herself and her dreams, which were big dreams, and that little girl knew she could do anything and that her dreams would come true.

Until they came along and told you that you weren't all that, that you weren't worthy, and that they knew better than you did.  They told you it wasn’t ok to do this or that, that it wasn't  ladylike, or feminine, or appropriate for someone like you.  And you believed them because you believed they knew best.  And you were taught to be a good little girl so that is what a good little girl should do.

Until one day your own feelings of worth and your beliefs in yourself and what you deserve got so stuffed down inside you that you no longer believed you could follow your dreams and become whatever you wanted to.  And you began to doubt yourself  and believe instead that you had to prove yourself worthy instead of remembering that you were worthy just because you are you.Continue Reading

Changes

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Beautiful woman going through a big change in her life. She is packing and moving boxes.We’re in the middle of moving across the country. And it’s a whole different kind of move when you’re moving a family, two dogs, a lizard, and fish. There are more people and things to consider, with the heart of it being that I have the responsibility of making it as easy a transition as possible.

It’s very different from the moves I used to make as a single girl, in what seems like a short lifetime ago, where my only concern was finding the coolest place to live in with the highest population of single men possible.

Back in those single days, when a married friend of mine would be moving with her family, I was usually full of sadness. Not just because they were leaving me, but also because it was yet another reminder that I was alone, with no family giving me a reason to move.

I was the only person that I moved for, and I didn’t understand anything about that being enough way back then. It just sounded all too lonely when I compared my own life to the ones of my married girlfriends that I wanted so badly.

And so it is that I find myself going back in time and reminiscing about those moves I did back in my single days, when it was only me without much of a care in the world besides when I would finally find Mr. Right and when I thought of each move as an exciting adventure of discovery.

I remember one of my biggest moves was when I took a job transfer to another part of the country. It was so exciting. A chance to meet new people, maybe even the one, was the way I thought of it back then. A new adventure. Oh, it was an adventure all right, and I met someone who I sure thought was the one, only to come face to face with the reality of just how badly a heart can be broken when you let someone in too soon and stay far too long for your heart and soul’s own good.

Then there was the move back home, but to a new home, to a place where I would start my journey of discovery of myself, after finally landing back on my feet after more tears had been shed over another him than could fill the entire ocean. Beginning again, finding my way, making a life for myself as an individual when all my hopes and dreams for my life had been caught up in a him who could never have lived up to my misguided expectations.

And finally, there was the move when I packed up all my belongings in the back of my little Honda Civic and headed off to the land of sunshine in Southern California, full of anticipation that this was finally going to be my time, my adventure, my time to finally find myself … and him. And that was exactly where I did find him, but not before I had finally found myself for the first time in my life, in a way that I had never understood was necessary before.

But this isn’t just about me. It’s about what I learned along the way. It’s about what I understand now about how it all fits together in a way that can only be understood with the gift of hindsight and having been there before in every sense of the word. It’s what I wish I had understood and known way back at the beginning of it all.

It’s about seasons.

And how each and every season of life has a purpose and a meaning and a reason. Even the ones we don’t want to be in or wish would end before they even begin. Especially the ones where we can’t figure out the why of them. Especially those where we just want to be on to the next one. Each season is necessary on some level to take you through to the next one, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. The point is, when you look back, you’ll understand, you’ll see, you’ll see why. There’s a reason. But so often we fight the reality of the season that we’re in, questioning the wisdom of anyone who dare suggest it’s part of our story. We don’t want that part of our story, much less to acknowledge that it might be a necessary one.

It’s a simple message, but embracing it is anything but simple: Don’t get so caught up in the next season of life that you forget to enjoy the one you’re currently in.

Each season has its upsides and downsides. So often when we’re in it, wishing we were anywhere but where we are right now, we don’t see any of the good in it. We don’t see the wonderful things about it. But it’s all there. In this single season of your life, there’s the freedoms, that lack of responsibility, the ability to do anything without taking into consideration the rest of a family or other people (or animals) involved. The abundance of time you can spend focusing solely on yourself without having anyone else to pull you away from discovering and embracing the you that you truly are inside.

I get that it’s all too lonely too much of the time. I get that it’s hard to enjoy the now when you’re scared there never will be a next. All those fears that surface that keep us looking forward to that next season, the one where we will finally no longer be alone, that we can’t even enjoy all the benefits of the now.

But stop right there. Don’t look ahead anymore. It’s your time right now. Right here, right now. It’s time to embrace it even with the fear, the unknown, and with all its uncertainties. To enjoy, to embrace, to live life to its fullest right now. The rest will all happen in due time. Just as it is meant to be.

But for now, this season is yours, too. Don’t wait until you’re looking back to enjoy where you’re at right now. This is the season of your life known as YOU!

Stop Trying To Be Something You're Not!

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Don't hide your true personality
Don't hide your true personality

Bending and twisting yourself like a pretzel to fit what you think the person you're attracted to wants might get him interested, but here's why he won't stick around for long.

This is the eighth and final post in our series 8 Signs You Aren’t Ready for a Relationship.

If you often find that you're trying to change something about yourself thinking it will make you more attractive to the guy you just met, or just started dating, then you are, like I was, lacking in self-esteem and confidence. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is very common but it means that you need to work on finding and loving the real you before trying to love someone else.

This was my dating pitfall: I used to think it was all about showing a guy that I really was all that.  I felt that I had to show him just how wonderful I was, and make him realize that I was everything he had ever wanted in a woman.  And I mistakenly thought that I could do that by loving everything that he loved, by wanting to do everything that he wanted to do, and by showing him just how much we had in common (even when we really didn’t.)

What I didn’t realize back then was that it all just set the stage for a relationship that wasn’t authentic, wasn’t truly honest, and wasn’t about two real people bringing their own true selves into the relationship.  I also didn't understand that any potential the relationship might have had would come to a striking halt because I wasn’t being true to myself.  Ironically, it was the exact opposite of what I was hoping to get – a real relationship.

It was a pattern I repeated over and over again, and I just couldn't figure out how he could be so interested in the beginning and then suddenly not interested at all. What I didn’t understand then that I finally understood much later was that I was just fluff.  I was only giving him that part of me that I thought was what he wanted, what I thought that most guys wanted.  But the problem was that I really didn’t know how to be anything else after that.  I was so intent on being the perfect package, that I wasn’t my own person.  I was just a mirror of him.

While that might work in the beginning, and get him interested, it doesn't last because any true relationship requires both give and take. Both partners have to complement the other in order for each, and the relationship, to grow.

One of my favorite books from my dating years that helped me to understand this problem and to work through it was Marianne Williamson's A Woman's Worth. The copyright on it is 1993, making it now considered a classic, but her words are just as true today as they ever were. I still have my dog-eared copy with its yellowing, note-riddled pages on my bookshelf.

I think this excerpt makes the point very well:

"There is a difference between getting a partner and attracting a partner. Getting implies that our hooks work; attracting means that our light is bright and appears like a beacon to one who is meant to see it. When we try to get a partner, we increase our chances of getting the wrong one. Yes, we can hook one perhaps, but a hook in him is a hook in us. We either end up neurotically obsessed, or he figures out it's a hook and does his own casting off. When we attract love by an  intensified connection to the spirit inside, we take responsibility for the energy around us, harmonizing it in such a way that those who come forward – who we sense are meant to be with us – connect with us out of similarly pure intent."

Her words woke me up to the reality that by trying to be something I wasn't, trying to be something that I thought these guys wanted that I didn't have naturally, something that I'd have to fake, that this trying was exactly what was causing me to continue to have failing relationships! And this realization created such a calming, peaceful, zen-like feeling that washed over me, and for the first time in my dating life I felt like I could just relax. Stop trying so hard. Just be. Live. Love life.

It was then that I finally realized that I could just be the person I wanted to be, without worrying that I wasn't hip enough or wasn't into things that guys might like. It didn't matter. I would just be who I was, and do what I loved doing, and I trusted that there would be someone out there who would love me for everything that I really was (or at least love most of me, and tolerate the rest.)

So if you find yourself like I was, trying hard to get a guy to like you, trying to be what you think he wants, just stop. Breathe. Relax. Stop trying so hard. And then be yourself. If you don't know who she is, then go find her – that's what I had to do. It's understandable, after trying to be someone different for so long, probably even someone different for each guy, that you don't even know the real you anymore.

Spend some time getting to know that gorgeous, wonderful woman that is you. Let your light shine for the world to see, and let your light be a beacon so that equally gorgeous, wonderful guy can find you in this crazy ocean fog of modern life. You won't know what he looks like, in fact he might be completely different, physically, from what you expected, but you'll know him when you meet him.

And he'll know you because of your beautiful, bright, shining light.

Don't Spend All of Your Time Hunting

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Are you on the hunt for love?Are you spending more time pursuing love than pursuing your own interests? 

This is the sixth post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.

Being Alone

I remember that feeling of subtle panic that would come over me as the weekend would approach.  I didn’t have any plans lined up, didn’t have anyone special in my life, and most of my friends were married, so I often found myself desperately trying to figure out what to do with my open Friday and Saturday night.

There I was again, calling around to co-workers and acquaintances, trying to find someone to head out on the town with, out to where the guys were. All the while quietly afraid that it would turn into another long lonely weekend in front of the TV; another weekend where I was yet again constantly reminded that I was single, when it seemed like everyone else had someone special to spend their weekend with.  Someone to be with.  Someone that wanted to be with them.  That someone that I was looking for.

Being alone never felt like something I was choosing; it always felt like a sentence I’d been given, some sort of twisted punishment for something I had done wrong, or didn't do right.  I found myself feeling like any time that I spent alone was just wasting precious time that could be spent meeting someone; someone that could be the one. There was always the feeling that he was out there, tonight, somewhere, and if I could only get out there (wherever there was) and be where he was we could meet, fall madly in love and I could finally get on with my life.

I realize now that while I was spending so much time and energy thinking about where I could meet him, what I could be doing to run into him, who I could be out with that could introduce me to him, just so caught up with this hypothetical him that I was completely missing out on me.  The me that was actually here, right now.

It's Time to Celebrate You

It seems so clear to me now. And it saddens me when I think of the life I could have been living back then versus the life I actually lived, all that time spent waiting – and wasting.  So much energy spent on the where, what, and how of making it happen.  That romanticized event of meeting the one; the event that turns out to have only existed in my head.  I completely missed the point that it wasn’t something that was ever going to happen while I was desperately chasing after it, trying to manipulate it into being.  When I was so focused on finding it, it didn't even occur to me that I really had no idea who I was or what I was all about.

Everyone else made it look so easy; they just went about their lives and seemed to meet their husbands and boyfriends almost effortlessly while I constantly struggled to figure out how to make it happen for me.  Not realizing they didn’t have some sort of special magic in them that I lacked.  I just hadn’t figured out that the most important thing I that could have done on those lonely evenings was to find something I loved doing and started doing it. Started living life.

Live Your Life

I don't know when I finally realized it, or if there was even some specific point in time that I realized it. It may have only been in hindsight, much later, that I looked back at my life and realized that it happened. It may have just been that I was so tired, so exhausted, from the hunt for my Mr. Right, that I just gave it up and started to do things that I enjoyed. I took modeling classes, started ice skating again. I made new friends; I started enjoying life.

And that's when things seemed like they were just falling into place. Within about a year or so I found that I was meeting people effortlessly. I was doing more and more things, meeting more and more people. And that's when I met my husband.

I don't know what the psychology or science behind it all is, but I'm sure my body language had changed. I'm sure I was more confident, more relaxed, more at ease with people. And I'm sure I was more interesting, because I was doing interesting things. And the thing is, it's not just the things that you're doing that make you more interesting, but it's the fact that you have more experiences – you meet more people, you're going to different places, you are putting yourself into different situations. All of these things lead to your growth as a human being, and that's what makes you interesting.

And it doesn't hurt that you now have more to talk about than just the plot twists of the latest TV drama.

So next time you find yourself with some free time while you're alone on a weekend night, remind yourself that it’s not about focusing on finding him. It's about focusing on living your life, and enjoying each and every beautiful moment of it. See that free time as the gift that it truly is – the gift of the opportunity to find something you love doing.

Then get out there and start doing it.

Next post in this series: Do You Have Too Much Emotional Baggage?

Do You Need a Man in Your Life to Feel Happy?

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Forming deep connections with other people is a very real human need.
Make the most of your precious solo time by deepening and strengthening your connections with friends and family.

Your anxiety may be causing you to waste something very precious.

This is the second post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship. I'm going to spend the next week or two delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, and discussing what you can do to make sure that you are ready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.

Do You Need a Man to Feel Happy?

Do you find yourself turning down invitations to social functions because you don't have a date to bring? Are you the type of woman who needs to know you have a new boyfriend lined up before you will break it off with your current guy? When you find yourself single do you spend all of your time on the hunt for your next boyfriend that hopefully will lift you out of your depressed funk?

Of course most women, including me, are just much happier when in a relationship than when single. I mean, who doesn’t want to have someone with whom to watch the sunset, curl up on the couch and watch a movie, or share a home cooked meal? That’s totally understandable, totally normal, and totally human. We’re programmed for connection; we’re social creatures.

The problem arises when you find being single so depressing, so lonely, so, well, awful that you fall into the trap of getting into a relationship that’s not what you really want just to avoid feeling lonely. The problem with getting in (and worse, staying in) a relationship because you feel that it’s better than being alone is that you've just thrown a major roadblock in the way of finding true happiness.

You've basically locked yourself into a less than satisfying situation just to avoid what might, right now, feel like a worse situation. The risk is that you may find that you've locked yourself into this mediocre situation possibly for life. And that’s a long time.

So it’s time for you to break free of the chains of feeling like you need to be with a guy in order to feel good about yourself. The key is to learn to enjoy these alone times and stop wasting this valuable, precious time that could be well spent in discovering your true self, pursuing your own interests, and making new connections. Look at this time that you are unencumbered by a relationship as the gift that it truly is – the gift of time to do everything that you've wanted to do without being tied down by a relationship.

Find Your Community

One reason many women find it depressing to be single is because they don’t have anyone that they feel deeply connected to. It’s very important to have a sense of connection with other people and to know that there are others out there that care about you, support you, and love you. If you have this in your life in the form of family and friends, you won’t need to rely quite so heavily on a boyfriend to fill that very real human need. If you feel that you desperately need a boyfriend then chances are you don’t currently have this type of deep connection in your life. It’s time to build some.

An excellent goal is to have three to five people in your life that you feel deeply connected to; people that you can rely on to be there for you when you need to cry, scream, vent or just talk. Unfortunately, in our modern times with all of the theoretical connection that we have via email, Facebook, and the like, the reality is that most of us don’t feel deeply connected to anyone. While having three to five people is an excellent long term goal, it’s critically important to have at least one.

Be a Friend to Have a Friend

If you find yourself with no one to share your feelings with, and share in their feelings, then you need to start developing a friendship like this. The best way to build friendships is by being a friend. Reach out to others, find people that are in need of help and help them. If you have some old friends that you haven’t talked to in a while, pick up the phone and give them a call. Set up a time to meet them for coffee or to drop by their house for a visit. Go out of your way to meet them where they are.

I know this personally from when I was single and many of my long time girlfriends got married and started families. I felt deserted. I felt as though they had just disappeared on me, but the truth is that having a new family can be very overwhelming. I found that when I went out of my way to make it easy for them to see me, by stopping by their house and playing with their kids while we visited, we were able to connect and talk fairly easily. And the best part was that they loved me for it, because it provided a welcome distraction for their kids and some time for them to talk to another adult for a change.

Release Your Anxiety

Many times the entire reason for feeling depressed when you’re single is because of the underlying anxiety that you just might not find anyone. But what would being single feel like if you knew that you were guaranteed to find the man of your dreams within a year or so? Would that change how you view being single? You’d probably then be able to relax and really enjoy your single time. You’d find things that are pleasurable and fun for you that you could either do on your own or with your friends and family.

That’s exactly what being single should feel like. Look at it as a vacation from a relationship, and know in your heart that the man of your dreams is waiting for you just around the corner. Because if you can relax, release your anxiety, and really start enjoying your life and your current freedom you’ll be happier, more fun, more interesting and more social. And all of these can only help you to find the love you’re looking for.

Next post in this series: Are You a Rescuer?

It’s Time to Call Off the Search

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A woman who has called off the search for Mr. RightIf you feel like you’ve been working so hard to meet the right guy, you’ve tried everything from night clubs to dating clubs to speed dating, well I’ve got some good news for you: It’s time for a break. It’s time to realize that you don’t need a man to define your life!  You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. In fact, it’s the opposite – your life is exactly that – yours.

I know you’ve heard this before, but it’s time to really get it. As much as we may know in our hearts that we’ve been going down the wrong path, attracting the types of guys that just aren’t able to give us what we’re looking for, we still find ourselves rejecting the guys who are actually healthy and ready for a relationship in favor of the excitement and drama of the roller-coaster ride Mr. Wrong takes us on.

So why don’t we stop this self-destructive behavior?

Well, the truth is that it’s a lot easier to keep doing the same thing over and over again than to stop and take a good hard look at ourselves, and do the work to figure out what’s motivating us to keep repeating these same patterns over and over again.Continue Reading

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