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You are here: Home / Archives for how to get over a break up

How Can I Face the Void and Survive This Break Up?

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A man is sitting on his couch reading a break up letter, wondering how he is going to survive this break up.One of our wonderful readers, Liam, has just received the break up letter from his girlfriend of 2 years. He has written me asking how he's going to survive this break up.

Here's his email:

First, these articles are mostly written for young, single women.

I am a divorced man in my 50's, a great and successful guy, sensitive, intelligent, fit and attractive and thought I found my true love.  She keeps abruptly breaking things off after two years when we get close, and stopped being romantic yet she calls me her best friend.

I feel stuck.

I have stepped back without contact but this situation also happened with my ex-wife of fourteen years.  I'm afraid I am too good of guy sometimes or just keep picking the wrong person.  I thought this person was different.

What do I do?Continue Reading

Surviving a Breakup

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A beautiful woman is sad as she is surviving a breakup, and is laying her head on a pillow.Our beautiful reader, who has signed her name "Defeated", is desperately looking for advice on surviving a breakup. She has spent the last 5 and a half years with her boyfriend only to have him suddenly breakup with her and  move to another city.

Here's her story:

Hi,

I could do with some advice..

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years. We lived together for 5. We hardly ever argued and loved each other very very much.

It was a good relationship, we had no issues about control, trust, money. We integrated into each others families, our parents met. It was a serious relationship. We shared so many good times together and supported each other completely through both good and bad.

The problem we did have was that he couldn't commit further. I remember clearly a conversation we had about a year and a half into our relationship, I told him that this was it for me that I knew he was who I wanted to settle down with. That by the time I was 30 I wanted to be either married or engaged to him.

I told him my biggest fear was being single at 30 and having to start again.

Well fast forward a few years and out of the blue he breaks up with me. Ends a 5 and a half year long relationship in less than half an hour.

It was a month before my 30th birthday.

No arguments lead up to it or anything. He was still telling me he loved me and planning to take a trip abroad together right up until the morning when he just woke up, sat me down and said 'I can't do this anymore'.

Its now 2 months since that terrible morning and I can't move on.

He says that we need to cut all contact. He acts like he wants to block me out completely. He's even moved to a different city, 6 hours away. But..we are supposed to meet up in September to see if he's changed his mind.

He says that he doesn't know. That he doesn't think he will want to get back together and if he had to decide now he'd say he doesn't want to but that having time apart might change the way he feels and that- if I want to- I can give him time to see if it does and so that he can be 100% sure.

Of course I want him to be sure and of course I'm going to cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me. I love him and want it to work so have to give it every chance possible but its just so hard.

He says that its not fair on me if he asked me to wait but he's done it by saying 'if you want to wait till September you can'. Do you know what I mean?

I feel like I'm going crazy! How can I let him go yet wait for him to decide at the same time?! Its impossible. This means that I can't even grieve the relationship properly because it may not be over for good. I can't not wait for him to decide.

He says he knows its him who has the problems, that there's nothing he would change about me and nothing I've done wrong yet when I get angry at him and push him to better communicate what he feels he then starts saying its that we grew apart, that he really felt like he was very distant from me.

It hurts that he's able to not contact me when the longest I've been able to go without contacting him is 3 days.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

- Defeated

My response:

I so hear your pain, Defeated. It's never easy surviving a breakup like this. I feel the depth of your heartbreak.

When you say you’re willing to “cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me”, you can know that you've given your power away.

Of course it feels crazy.

Of course it’s hard to do this, because it’s not what we’re meant to do. It’s not what real love is about.  Love is never about making anyone commit to us, or love us, or give us what they don’t have to give.

It may have been that you turning 30 – and the terms you set for that “milestone” - was in the back of his mind as a milestone for him, too. He came to terms with where he was at and what he was able to give you, and recognized that he wasn't there on the same page as you.

And so you heard where he was at when he said “if you want to wait till September you can'.” He’s put the ball in your court letting you know where he stands, and leaving it up to you what you want to do with that.

Don’t wait for September, Defeated. You’re not defeated! You’re empowered! You set the terms of what you knew in your heart you were not willing to settle for and now you know what his terms are. This is huge! Now you know what page he’s on. Now you know what he can and can’t give you.  I know it may not feel that way right now, but knowledge is powerful!

I have a feeling you’re questioning yourself more than anything else. You’re not sure if you have a right to say what you need and refuse to settle for anything less than that. You’re afraid you made a mistake by setting your own boundaries and making them known to him.

Don’t second-guess yourself. We say what we do for a reason. We define what it is we’re looking for so we can find it. We remain true to ourselves so we can live with ourselves.

As hard as it is to accept this, the reality is that someone can only be the one who’s right for you if they want to be that one.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t look back with regrets at what you didn't do or didn't know or wish you’d done differently. Start right where you are right now with a huge dose of self-love for who you are and what you bring to the table. Nothing’s changed. You’re still the beautiful woman with so much to offer someone who’s looking for the long-term picture the way you are.

Don’t put your life on hold between now and September. Find it in you, D. Trust me, it's there.

The key to surviving a breakup like this is to start creating the life that you were made for. There’s a world out there for you to find and discover that will resonate with your heart and soul and the longing you have for someone to share your dreams and your life with you.

Surround yourself with the people who love and support you, discover the activities and hobbies and things that you’re passionate about and bring more of what you want into your life.

Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive and what shows you all the beautiful things about this life of yours.

This isn't about giving up on a dream; it’s finding out what the dream really was and if it was only your own.

I know the last thing you wanted to do was to start over. I know you feel you shouldn't have to. I know you’re angry that you’re in this position.

And underneath all those feelings is so much fear.

But you’re not alone and you’re going to get through this to the other side and discover the life that will make you happier than you ever could have been otherwise. With someone who’s on the same page and wants the same thing and doesn't have to be convinced of this by anyone outside of himself.

And most importantly, let go of the September timeline. It doesn't mean anything unless something changes on his end, and that can come at any time – or not. But don’t build your life around it. If he gets on your page, if he comes to where you are, you’ll absolutely be the first to know.

You’re the living, loving kind, not the waiting kind. And right now, you've got a life to live.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Defeated should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

How to Get Over a Break Up

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A closeup of a beautiful brunette woman who is looking sad and downward wondering how to get over a break upYou remember the good times all too well. You can recall every wonderful moment you spent together. You can recount each and every time he told you he loved you.  You can recite every loving word he ever said to you.

Of course you can. That’s the type of beautiful and sensitive soul you are!

And so it should come as no surprise that now that you are no longer together, no matter how hard you try you still believe deep down inside that you would be better off still together. No matter what anyone says. No matter how much anyone tries to convince you otherwise.

You miss him.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re missing having someone to spend your Friday night with, or whether it’s because you hate being alone, the reality is that you’re struggling to remember why it wasn’t working, why you couldn’t make it work, and why it had to end.

If only I had done this differently, you lament. If only I hadn’t said what I did, you second guess. Whatever you think you could have done to save it, or keep him happy, or keep your mouth shut, you’re convinced you’ve lost the love of your life.  If only you could just have somehow been that much stronger, that less needy, that much more confident, it would have made all the difference.

And so, with these wonderful memories of the two of you living happily together, you spend your time and energy beating yourself up like this over and over again.

Why do so many of us identify with this?

I get it, because it was always what I fell into, too,  after yet another relationship ended too soon for me that had shown so much potential. I didn’t know how not to go there. I had no idea how to get over a break up.

But the only thing it does when you spend your time and energy filling your mind with those happy memories is keep you stuck. It zaps your energy. Steals your strength. Keeps you down. And leaves you with nothing left to give to the one person who knows the truth – you!

It’s time to stop this.

I know all too well what it does to our beautiful hearts and souls when we leave things with the promise to leave a candle burning in the window for him – whether we say this out loud or not. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to see the relationship in the light of what really was, not just this selective memory version of those happy memories together that leave out the whole rest of the story. The reality of how we really felt much of the time when we were with him, if we’re completely honest with ourselves and come out of our own deeply embedded state of denial.

Here’s how we finally move past these old scripts that only tell a small part of the story, and move on to the real story that is waiting for us to discover.

Here's how to get over a break up:

Remember all those times you were miserable.

Remember all those tears you shed.

Remember how alone you felt so much of the time - even though you were with him.

Remember all those conversations with your best friend lamenting how he was treating you or how he just wouldn’t commit.

Remember all the ways you weren’t on the same page, didn’t have the same priorities, and didn’t want the same things.

Remember the specific times, the individual instances where it was anything but good. The times you waited, the time you wasted, the moments of the relationship where you felt anything but happy.

Remember those and write it all down.

Write out the real story.

Write it all down and repeat to yourself enough times so that those are the thoughts you remember when you start to beat yourself up for not being enough for him! You know the truth. Your beautiful heart knows the story that you deserve, and both your heart and soul know that it wasn’t that.

If it was, it would have been. You would still be together. Because two people who are meant to be together always are; but only if they’re both  on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That’s what real love is all about.

Yes, remember the good times too - there's no reason to bury those wonderful memories and you don't ever want your heart to get hardened. But this exercise will take the relationship out of the land of fairytales and into the land of reality. The reality that it just wasn't the right relationship for either of you.

And then allow yourself to be happy that you are now free to find real love with the guy that's right for you.

How about you? What do find is the best way to get over a break up? Tell us about it in the comments!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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