Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
"I'm ready to do the work" she said. "I'm ready to fix this."
"I sabotaged it - I was so insecure and anxious. I did this. Now I only have myself to blame. Can you help me get him back?"
It wasn't her fault. And no, it didn't require any more "working on herself".
Because it wasn't hers to fix.
She hadn't sabotaged it. She was insecure and anxious BECAUSE he gave her reason to be. NOT because she was this way for no reason.
She didn't do this. She wasn't to blame.Continue Reading
My heart ached for the woman who sent me the email with this as her subject line.
The tragedy is when we take someone's rejection of us personally as a reflection of our very worth. Feeling like you're not good enough when really it's because you're with someone who triggers in you these feelings of not being good enough for him. But who could ever be when you're with someone who elicits this type of response in you? It has nothing to do with your worth or your being good enough. It has everything to do with him and his own choices and nothing, nothing to do with you.
What always comes through in letters like this is this beautiful heart of yours.
So giving, so understanding, so caring, so compassionate. You're so unlike anyone he's ever met. You allow him to be exactly who he is, to treat you however he does, to give you only what he can in the moment - even if it's nothing, and he's never come across anyone like this before. You give and you give and you give some more. Waiting to be acknowledged. Waiting for him to notice. Waiting for him to come a little closer to your side. Waiting for him to appreciate you. Waiting for him to give you what you know is in him, albeit buried deep down inside him.
You're prepared to love him through whatever he's going through. You hold the vision of what he could be so strongly in your mind, that it covers who he actually is and what he's showing you by his actions, by the way he treats you, by the way he actually is, not the way he used to be. In spite of everything he shows you about him right now, you have such a beautiful hope for what can be, such a beautiful heart for how you love him, and so you stay with him, you'll try everything and anything to help him.Continue Reading
We say too much.
They pull back, they pull away.
We stop talking.
We've learned.
We don't say enough.
They call us boring.
We start saying more.
We've learned.
But what have we really learned except how to pay even closer attention than we already do, to what they say, what they don't say, how they respond, how they don't respond?
To the high self-esteemed among us, what they learn is something very different from what we learn.Continue Reading
That's it.
That's the most important question you can answer that's going to bring you the results you're looking for.
Every day, you tell me your stories of why you do the things you do, why you can't stop doing those things, why what you believe is just the way it is and why you've given up on hoping it's ever going to be any different for you.
I listen. And then I ask you that most important question you NEED to answer before ANYTHING is going to be different for you.
Why?
Why are you too old?
Why are you so unique that you're going to be the one person that never finds anyone while everyone else does?Continue Reading
I've got a simple one for you today.
Prove it.
Prove it to yourself.
The one thing you're holding onto as your reason for not doing what it is you actually want to do. The one thing you don't believe you can be. The one thing you don't believe you can have.
Prove yourself right.
Because this is a theme that comes up time and time again in my emails and calls with you.
It's woven all throughout your stories.Continue Reading
It's one of the most seemingly benign things that I teach my coaching clients early, but it's a consequential one.
Learning to say "no" in your own voice, in your own way.
Gently, but firmly.
The most important part is that it's in your own voice in a way that reflects your own personality, in a way that you feel comfortable owning it.
If it's only what someone else tells you to say, it won't have the same effect. You have to practice this until it comes naturally from you!
Don't explain, don't defend. Say it again clearly if you need to.
See, when you've been told your whole life you're not allowed to have boundaries, when you've been conditioned to make everyone else feel good regardless of how you feel, one of the hardest things you'll ever do is risk disappointing someone by saying the words they least want to hear - you saying "no".
But if you're going to find the right ones for you, you've got to make sure you can say no to the wrong ones first!
One small step in the right direction. Yes, it does start with something this simple.
And if you need help with this, just let me know.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Beautiful? Do you have a hard time saying "no"? Share your feelings, experiences and struggles with us below in the comments!
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