Why Am I Not Good Enough?

My heart ached for the woman who sent me the email with this as her subject line.

The tragedy is when we take someone's rejection of us personally as a reflection of our very worth. Feeling like you're not good enough when really it's because you're with someone who triggers in you these feelings of not being good enough for him. But who could ever be when you're with someone who elicits this type of response in you? It has nothing to do with your worth or your being good enough. It has everything to do with him and his own choices and nothing, nothing to do with you.

What always comes through in letters like this is this beautiful heart of yours.

So giving, so understanding, so caring, so compassionate. You're so unlike anyone he's ever met. You allow him to be exactly who he is, to treat you however he does, to give you only what he can in the moment - even if it's nothing, and he's never come across anyone like this before. You give and you give and you give some more. Waiting to be acknowledged. Waiting for him to notice. Waiting for him to come a little closer to your side. Waiting for him to appreciate you. Waiting for him to give you what you know is in him, albeit buried deep down inside him.

You're prepared to love him through whatever he's going through. You hold the vision of what he could be so strongly in your mind, that it covers who he actually is and what he's showing you by his actions, by the way he treats you, by the way he actually is, not the way he used to be. In spite of everything he shows you about him right now, you have such a beautiful hope for what can be, such a beautiful heart for how you love him, and so you stay with him, you'll try everything and anything to help him.

But there's a price you pay for this. It takes it's toll on you. It's called being a martyr. We can only give like this for so long before we lose ourselves, our dignity, our self-respect, our sense of self-worth. We lose ourselves in men like this.

When I was also 23, I loved a man like this. I didn't know it then, but he was an alcoholic as well. For three blissful months I thought I had hit the jackpot and found the man of my dreams. But shortly after, when reality began to kick in, he chose his drug of choice and his friends over me, and gave me just enough to keep hoping and hanging onto hope that he would change.

I lived this way for almost three years. I justified everything in the name of love, believing I could save him from his demons if only I loved him more, gave him more, tried even harder, and kept pretending that the relationship was working for me.

I lost myself in those years. I believed that love could conquer all. I believed that if I was only enough, I could bring back the man he used to be. I was so overly responsible, overly unselfish, overly understanding. It wasn't until years later I discovered the deep roots of my underlying belief system that had kept me staying with a man like this. At the time, I couldn't imagine life without him so anything he gave me seemed worth the price I paid.

For anyone of you going through this, it's where your work lies. To discover your own deep roots that have brought you here, to discover the truth about who you are, where your own boundaries lie. Most of us who are in these relationships don't have any real boundaries to speak of and pride ourselves on being so flexible, so accommodating, but again, at what price to ourselves? We never consider what we can really live with - and what we can't.

The three years I spent here were nothing compared to the years and decades many of the women I coach have experienced. They couldn't see it either when they were in it - or they didn't allow themselves to. But their stories have so many parallels.

Stop asking yourself why you're not good enough. You're more than good enough! This is why he doesn't know what to do with you because he knows he doesn't deserve you. But don't turn that into a dramatic story where you need to rescue him. You can't. Not for you or for him. Fill up your time with your friends you've forgotten about and make some new ones.

Find some new places to go, new hobbies to pursue, something else you can save like animals or people whose lives can be changed by you! Find out what you're passionate about. Write out your dreams, your hopes your goals.

Find out what you can live with by pulling back just enough to hold onto you and let go a little bit of him. Take it one day at a time. Check in with yourself often. How did this feel? How does that feel? How does focusing more on yourself like this feel? Have you let go too much or too little for your own comfort level?

Journal every night. Write out the stories playing out in your head.

Make room for the real story to emerge in your heart. If you're with someone who's causing you to question yourself like this, he's doing what works for him. You need to start doing what works for you and that includes putting an end to you asking yourself why you're not good enough for him.

Oh girl, if you have to ask that, he's not good enough for you!

Love,
Jane

Did I write this for you today? Tell me "yes" in the comments below!