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The posts in the Finding Love category relate to bringing love into your life, whether you are currently single, dating, or in a relationship. This category includes topics such as finding yourself, knowing what you want, living your life, etc.

10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

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A woman's hand is on a big red button with the word "Assume" on it, ready to push it, indicating that she is once again making assumptions that might ruin her love life. I was having a conversation with a friend recently about some of the assumptions I used to make when I was single. With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these assumptions were way off base, but at the time they just seemed to make sense.

You know, like the one where you assume that he’s interested in calling you simply because he asked for your number.

Or the one where you assume he’s on the same page as you simply because you've been going out for awhile and you think everything’s going well.

Here I was thinking so many of the assumptions that I made were true for both people in a relationship. That they were just naturally the way both men and women started thinking about the nuances of things as just part of the dating and relationship process – when in reality, they were anything but similar.

Not just gender came into play, but also personality, cultural differences, and many other factors, and I started to see how the lens that we see everything through that reflects the stories of our lives comes into play here once again.

You think it must be what he’s thinking, too. You believe it’s the next logical step for him, too. You can’t imagine how it could be any different for him.

But the reality is, he’s not you.

I started realizing just how much of a problem this is for so many of us, when we look at how someone else behaves and we make our own judgment that has everything to do with us and our own filters, and nothing to do with him.

If it was just an observation on our part, that would be one thing, but the problem goes so much deeper than that. It’s because we make these judgments into the truth about our relationships, and then we start living that way, without even realizing how one-sided this reality that we've created for ourselves – the only reality we see - has become.

And when you live this way, when you make someone your world and close off all your other options simply because he’s telling you all the things you want to hear, you’re not seeing this for the reality of how long you've been together or how well you really know him.

Like when you start playing house with him before you have the committed relationship you’re looking for from him, simply because his lease is up or because you’d like someone to snuggle with at night. You’re missing the most important part - the commitment.

You’re making yet another assumption here based on your criteria, your view, your own filtered lens.

Here are 10 big assumptions that so many of us make that totally mess up our love lives:

  1. You assume you're his girlfriend just because you've been hanging out together.
  2. You assume he's interested in a relationship just because he’s flirting with you.
  3. You assume he hears wedding bells the same way you do because he’s asking you out.
  4. You assume he wants a relationship with you because he wants to have sex with you, even if he calls it "making love”.
  5. You assume he wants to marry you because he’s OK with living together.
  6. You assume you're exclusive (hint: You're not, unless you both verbally agree you are!)
  7. You assume that his telling you he “doesn't want to lose you” means he can give you what you’re looking for.
  8. You assume that having his baby means he’ll stay with you and become the man the father your child needs him to be.
  9. You assume he'll come back to you just because you decide to play hard to get.
  10. You assume he wants you to “rescue him” just because he tells you the sad story of how he’s never known love, or been cheated on, or had a rough childhood, etc., etc., etc.

The first step in changing these assumptions (that are really your belief systems operating that keep you from finding love) is simply to recognize them.

Hear yourself saying them in the unspoken thoughts you think when you find yourself in any of these situations.

Question the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what you want it to be.

Is it real? Or is it just you wanting it to be real and reading more into it than what’s really there?

You don’t want the fairytale. You don’t want the lie.

You want the reality, you want the truth.

Even if it hurts, even if it’s not what you imagined. Free yourself by being willing to see the reality of what you do know, of what you feel, of what you see, of what his actions say even if his words don’t, before you go any further in a script that is just that; a fantasy and not the love and the life that you so deserve.

What assumptions have you held? You’re not alone! Let’s help each other recognize the ones we've been living by sharing them here in the comments!

The Trap Most of Us Fall Into

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A mousetrap with a red felt heart representing the trap that many women fall into of comparing themselves to others.You’re learning by now that being anything but your true self isn't going to help you find the guy or the love that you’re looking for.

You’re figuring out that whoever you really are is enough for someone who’s truly right for you, even if you still have some work to do on this one.

You get the idea.

You’re learning how to accept the reality of what is instead of the fairytale that you so want it to be.

You’re recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. That it’s your choice, your decision, and that short-term heartbreak is always better than investing more time, more energy, more of your beautiful self in someone who isn't there and, more importantly, doesn't want to be.

And as difficult as these concepts have been for you to get to, you’re getting there. It’s not just me now saying these things to you, you’re starting to see these truths in your own life and put them into your own words.

But there’s something else you’re doing that isn't doing anything to help your confidence or self-esteem, and you’re not alone in failing to see how this keeps hurting you in more ways than you realize time and time again.

It’s this awful habit so many of us have of comparing yourself to others.

It’s this looking at who’s single and who’s not.

It’s this looking at what they've got that you think you don’t. It’s this competitive type thinking that leaves you feeling so much worse - not better - about yourself and who you are.

Because the reality is this isn't a competition.

This isn't about vying for a place in some love contest where there’s only a select group of winners. This isn't about trying to be more than someone else is or trying to figure out what they have that you don’t and why this makes you wrong.

They have their own story (and it’s probably not the story you think it is).

But it’s not about them.

It’s about you.

This is about finding your own path, finding out who you are and what you need to be happy. This is about learning to love yourself for who you are. Sure, we all want to be our best selves and make whatever changes we want to make to be the best people we can be.

But it’s not about changing the essence of who you are in the process.

It’s about acceptance, love and compassion. For who you are and how far you've come! For all that you have, for all that you are, for all that you have to offer and all that no one else in the world has quite like you do.

For all that makes you uniquely you.

Our culture may have us all believing it’s all about looks; how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how physically perfect you are by a standard that isn't even real, as we’re finding out all the time.

But real love isn't about that. If it were, only the attractive people would find love and everyone else would be alone. In fact, I've discovered it to be quite the opposite. The majority of people who have the easiest time finding love and getting married are some of the most “average” people I know by our culture’s standards.

But to the ones they’re with, they’re anything but “average”.

And it’s also no coincidence that many of the women who have the hardest time finding someone are some of the most beautiful women by that same cultural standard.

Find the beauty in you.

Inside and out.

Make a list of all those beautiful qualities you possess. Use affirmations to help you remember these and post that list somewhere that you can easily see it on a daily basis.

Write out everything you have to offer someone who shows himself to be worthy of you.

You won’t need to convince him of your worth. You won’t need to sell him on you. If he’s the one for you, he’ll see it for himself .  And if he doesn't, let that be your sign. He’s not the one.

That’s always how you know.

Have you found yourself falling into the trap of comparing yourself to other women - either women you know, or in the media? Tell us about it in the comments!

How Your Hidden Beliefs Are Ruining Your Love Life

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A beautiful woman in a purple shirt against a blackboard with drawn clouds circling around her wonders how her hidden beliefs are ruining her love life. What do you think of when you think about true love?

Do you think it absolutely happens to everyone, or do you think it's very rare, and only happens to others - you know, the ones who are lucky, beautiful, talented, or have something else that you don't seem to have?

You’re not alone – I used to feel that way, too.

I would look around at all of my happily married friends, (or worse, the ones who were soon to be married as I went to look at wedding dresses with them and be fitted for my own bridesmaid dress), and wonder what they had that I didn't because I was convinced there had to be something in them that wasn't in me.

I know exactly how you feel.

You feel like they have something that you're missing. That there's some secret you don't know about, or aren't capable of. That they have something you don't.

They always seem to have something we don't have – we even tend to use the phrase "you're so lucky" when referring to the guy they found.

And it only seems to get worse the older you get.

You can just feel yourself staring at that hypothetical, but still very real biological clock ticking away, as you do the math in your head: If I meet him right now, and we date for a year, then get engaged and married a year later, I'll be (insert any horribly old-sounding age here).

It's enough to drive even the most stable, intelligent woman to extreme anxiety levels, leading to that downward spiral where we can find ourselves doing all the desperate things we promised ourselves we’d never do.

But there’s something you need to know about this because it doesn't have to be this way for any of us, and especially not for you.

You see, that very thinking is a big part of what's keeping you from having the kind of love that you want in your life.

That kind of thinking leads to fear – the fear that you'll never find the right guy. Fear leads to anxiety, and anxiety leads to desperation.

It's a downward spiral that you have to get yourself out of as quickly as you can.

But I also know that it's not as easy as it sounds.

In order to get out of this downward spiral that you're caught up in, you first need to know exactly what your true thoughts are about love, and why you have those thoughts.

We might think "Yes, I know that love is everywhere", but deep down inside we don't really believe it. This is due to your life programming, whether it came from your parents, teachers, or other role models in your life, or you friends and peers. In fact, you're still being programmed, even at this stage in your life - not the least of which is by the media, movies, television shows and magazines.

But armed with this knowledge, just be being open to seeing this programming for what it is, you also have the power to change it. It doesn't have to be this way because this isn't what love is at all.

Here's the truth:

Love isn't particular. Love isn't selective. Love doesn't just gravitate towards the people that are perfect. In fact, some of the most imperfect people were the ones who were getting married all around me!

Love is everywhere. Love is for everyone, including you.

But it’s not necessarily the kind of love that you've been programmed to believe in.

  • It’s not the kind found in fairy tales - that's the kind that doesn't exist in real life.
  • It’s not the kind that’s led you to believe you have to prove your worth to get it - the kind that you have to work for.
  • It’s not the kind that you have to try to find by being something other than your true self with someone who isn't capable of the kind of love you’re looking for.
  • It’s not the kind that has you accepting whatever crumbs someone is willing to throw at you in the name of love.
  • It’s not the kind that conquers love if there isn't love there in the first place.
  • And no, it’s never the dramatic roller-coaster kind.

It is the kind that happens between two people who are on the same page who want the same level of commitment with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

It’s real. It’s authentic, and it happens between two real people who understand all this and refuse to settle for anything less.

But you have to be open to seeing the difference between what love really is and who it’s for and what your very powerful belief system - the one you've been creating you're entire life - would have you believing.

You have to be willing to see the difference – and take a chance on experiencing that difference for what it is. Real. Authentic. True.

And that is exactly what you do deserve. All of us do.

Because when you change your outlook on love to one of abundance instead of scarcity, to one that’s available to every single one of us,  you will open yourself to accept the love that is flowing all around you.

All you have to do is be open enough to allow it in.

See it, notice it, accept it.

And know that it's there for you, too.

What beliefs about love are you holding onto that might be keeping you from having the kind of love you want? Tell us about it in the comments!

The One Little Thing That's Keeping You Stuck

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A woman sits at a desk with a book open, replaying her fairy tale romance story in her head with a castle in the background, illustrating that her story is keeping her stuck in a fairytale.
It keeps us doing the same things over and over again, whether it’s working for us or not.

We all have one.

And we’ll do anything to defend it, to keep it going.

It keeps us doing the same things over and over again whether it’s working for us or not. It isn't, but that’s not the point because we’d rather be right than to have to change it. Whether it’s why we’re still single, why we haven’t met him yet, or why it’s not our fault and we can’t possibly do anything to change it ourselves, we’re sticking to it no matter what.

What I'm talking about is our story.

We all hang on to it so tightly.

Until eventually, those tiny cracks that have started to creep into it can no longer go unnoticed and we’re forced to finally look at them for what they really are: a story. When you've been telling yourself the same thing for so long, when you've found a thousand ways to support and prove why it’s not just your story but your truth, it’s the hardest thing to see it for what it really is.

Even if it keeps on hurting you over and over again. Even if it keeps you from seeing a different way of being. Even if it could change your life if you could ever give it up.  It’s not about that. It’s become your story.Continue Reading

Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark

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Image of a spark between the hands of a woman and a man, signifying chemistry and spark in a relationship.
What do you do if you're not feeling the spark?

I recently came across a story of a woman who was in a long term relationship (several years) with a man that she described as emotionally available, kind, funny who kept her very satisfied in the bedroom.

They also have an amazing friendship. Sounds perfect, right?

He asked her to marry him.

She said no.

She went on to say that while she loved him very much, she knew it was never going to work out in the long term because she never felt that elusive spark.

She felt like she would be settling.

Honestly, I was stunned. I had to read it again, just to make sure I wasn't missing something.Continue Reading

It's OK, But It's Not OK

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The words It's OK written on a blackboard with a red heart for the O in OK, representing that it's OK to be where you are in a relationship, but it's not OK if you aren't happy.I hear it so often.

And I understand; I really do.

I hear you when you say "I'm not there yet." I see the tears you try to hold back. I feel your pain when  you try to say you have to hold on, you have to keep waiting just a little longer because you love him too much to let go just yet.

And you know I'm the first one to say it's OK.

Wherever you are right now, it's OK. We all get there in our own time, and you'll get there in your own time. One step at a time; one new way of seeing at a time.

However long it takes you, it's OK. You've heard me say it time and time again.

It's OK wherever you are, wherever you're at.

It's OK.

But looking at it another way, it's really not OK.

Because the life that you're living right now isn't the life that you deserve to live. Because the pain that you're feeling right now isn't the kind of pain any one deserves to go through.

Because the amount of hurting you're going through right now is no way for anyone to live. Because the aching loneliness you're experiencing isn't how we are meant to experience life.

Yes, I'm the first to tell you it's OK because wherever we are is our reality and where we all begin. And who you are, and where you are is nothing to beat yourself up about or feel bad about yourself for.

But you deserve so much more than this.

You can keep waiting. You can keep going through the motions. You can keep putting one foot in front of the other until you finally get tired of living like this.

But there's a life to be lived that's just waiting for you. It's your life. It's the life you were made for, the life that you've been putting off living even as it's passing you by.

This is the life I want you to see, to discover, to embrace for yourself.

You see, when I look back at where I used to be back when I was single and living my life in what I now know was the waiting mode, I realize how much I missed out on.

When I think about what I could have done with my life, it tears me to the core. It would have affected so many areas of my life.

Don't wait.

It's your time.

How ever long it's going to take. Whatever action it's going to require in your part. Don't wait another minute settling for so much less than you deserve. Don't struggle another moment living like you are, going through what you are when there is so much help out there for you.

You don't need to.

If it's my program that's speaking to you, then great - I'm here for you.

If it's someone else's that's helping you, that's great, too. If it's one-on-one counseling sessions with someone you're finally ready to try, that's wonderful, too.

It doesn't matter where you find your help, all that it matters is that you do!

So take that time that you were going to spend watching your usual television shows, take that money you were going to spend on that new outfit to try to catch the attention of yet another him, and take that energy that you're only using on over-thinking and rehashing what he's thinking and what you did wrong, and put it all toward the one thing that's worth more than any of these: YOU.

Because when you look back, this time is going to pass you by and be a distant memory soon enough. But it's your life, your time, your happiness.

You are worth so much more than anything else you might think your time, your money and your energy are worth.

Go get that help you need to get past your past.

Go get that help you need to find what you're really looking for.

Go get that help so you can start seeing who you really are and what you really deserve.

Go get that help so you can see what you can't see now, so you can do what you don't believe you can do now, so you can become what you can't imagine yourself getting to right now.

You can and you will. But only if you choose to.

So choose to.

Love,

Jane

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