Our letter today comes from Angie, who's wondering if she's overreacting to hearing her newly widowed boyfriend isn't ready to include her in his family holiday plans. Here's what she wrote to me:
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I'm a 48 year old woman dating a 50 year old widow (his wife passed 2 years ago). I have been dating him for 7 months.
I have only met his teen kids once (despite him being at my house a lot with my teen kids). He mentioned Christmas and that he won't see me as he will go to his parents house with his kids for both Christmas Eve/Christmas Day (which I am ok with).
He also said I won't see him on his birthday, December 28th as it's his birthday and he will spend it with his kids. He will visit me early evening and stay over.
I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting but I do feel hurt about his birthday - it feels as though he just wants to keep me away from his kids - but then turns up to spend the evening with me. He is kind and loving to me and always call/texts etc.
Signed,
- Angie
My Response:
Dear Angie,
"He won't see me on his birthday. He will visit me early evening and stay over. He won't see me as he's spending both Christmas holidays with his kids and parents."
Take your power back, sweet friend.
You're not inferior to him, he doesn't hold power over you, and you're someone who he's kind and loving to with consistent calls and texts because he sees you as the prize you are!
But two years with the holidays is still a little early for him to be sharing his kids and his family with you, even if it feels like it shouldn't be that hard for him to include you, too.
It is.
He's not dictating this relationship, he's setting your expectations because he doesn't want to hurt you.
I've coached many women dating widowers on how to best handle their relationships with them, and I can tell you the good ones always take longer than you think they should to invite you in.
It's not personal. It doesn't mean he doesn't have real feelings for you.
None of this means you shouldn't feel hurt or don't have a right to feel every one of your very real feelings around this.
Feel them. Accept them.
But also accept that this is where this guy is right now.
Has he lied to you? Has he misrepresented himself? Has he given you reason to be concerned he's always going to be this way? Or is this just one area - the holidays with his family - that you can let him have AND be hurt about because of course it hurts to be left out of his family plans? Start by answering these questions for you.
Let's look to next year's holidays. Let's see what the next year holds in terms of his readiness to include you more in his family plans then.
For now, let's change the tone of this by giving you your power back. You're still in control here. You still have a say. And you're still doing the choosing. You've chosen this guy because he's kind, responsive and considerate of you AND he's maybe taking a little longer than you'd like to include you in his family.
Can you accept both sides of him?
If everything else is going well, can you accept that his kids may not be ready to include you yet - and he may still be unsure of how to navigate this new relationship with you, his kids, the holidays, and honoring the memory of their mom?
No, you're not overreacting, but there's room here to both feel your own feelings about missing him on the holidays and feeling left out AND to allow him a little longer to figure this out if everything else about how he treats you isn't raising any red flags.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you think Angie's overreacting? Tell her what you think in the comments.
Sorry, but I think 2 years is plenty of time to grieve I’ve known men that remarry only months after their wives have passed! Angie should feel hurt. I know I would! IF I were Angie, I would start dating other men since this guy is emotionally unavailable right now. He may treat her great but deep down he’s not all that into her. Time to move on to somebody that is. Being a senior citizen we don’t have the time (or energy) to wait on someone to get over a past love to see if their going to come around. She can still date him, date, not sleep with him but also date other men. That way she won’t be so hung up on one guy and get her feelings hurt if he wants to exclude her from the holiday days etc
My comment is understanding yet you are equally important and it’s time for more of him to be there for you . I get it . Or it wouldn’t hurt so much . So you may speak up with your desires and get into your own stuff a bit more . FYI : I was terribly damaged by a windowed and feel used still by believing the lies . And giving everything because I finally trusted and it wasn’t safe .
I am amazed at how absolutely wonderful ALL OF YOUR FEEDBACK IS !
I am sorry for all the broken hearted women and one sided relationships there are.
I think this guy could really live you but wanted you to know ahead of time so you wouldn’t be disappointed. I do understand why you would feel hurt and left out. Give it time. Everything will work out the way it is meant too.
I don't think you're overreacting, your feelings are normal.
I've been dating a widower for a little over two years now. His wife has been gone for three years. I'm 56, he's 57 (and just so happens to share a birthday with your guy).
We met only 9 months after her passing. We were drawn to each other but I was very careful about giving him space and time. I kept my expectations low. I enjoyed getting to know him and wanted to continue our relationship, whatever the nature and level of commitment. I had been divorced a few years when we met and I wasn't in any hurry myself.
Neither of us have children, so I'm sure it made things much easier. Over time he has fully involved me with his family and closest friends and our relationship continues to deepen. He's the best guy I've known other than my father. Definitely worth the time and effort.
I followed his lead in timing, always keeping in mind I could walk away if things weren't working for me. There have been times I've felt frustrated, I won't lie. Being involved with a widower is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. But if you find one that's good, loving, caring and with whom you feel a real connection, it's worth it.
Two years isn't a lot of time when it comes to processing and dealing with the loss of a spouse and the resulting uncertainty and even chaos it brings to someone's life. Especially when children are involved. If you can give him more time and space to fully integrate you into his life he'll appreciate your love and understanding and realize even more how special you are.
As long as you continue to see growth in your relationship, I would recommend trying to adjust your expectations as to any time table.