In reading your emails, there's something that always stands out for me. It's when you talk about being anxious, feeling uneasy, being sensitive and picking up on things that you don't know what to do with.
See, when you say things like that, I see something else.
I see that you know exactly what to do, even if you don't believe you do and that's why you're writing to me.
I see you knowing this guy far better than you think you do.
I see you blaming yourself for what happened in the past because it's so easy to fall into the pattern of self-blame when we've come to look at our intuitive senses as being something that's "wrong with us" instead of a gift that lets us know what's really going on when we're so wrapped in the fantasy of what someone could be if only he wanted to be that.
There's always a reason the things you see are red flags.
How could you not take them to heart? How could you have interpreted them in any other way than you did? He's rarely a bad guy, just clearly someone who's not on the same page as you.
There's a reason your anxiety starts when you're with someone you're supposed to be in a loving relationship with. There's a reason you start to feel you're not good enough for him.
Don't allow yourself to put this back on you for one more moment, to blame yourself for what you should have done differently when you never learned to develop the ability to trust yourself - and your instincts - before.
You only say or do the "wrong" things when you're with someone who pushes every anxious button he could possibly have pushed in you! You feel like he holds all the power over you because he could walk away like he did and let you go, but it's really you who gave away all your power to someone who was never, ever worthy of you.
Of course you miss him, of course you wish none of this had ever happened, but it wasn't up to you to keep this from happening.
It always, always takes two.
And if you don't have two people on the same page, looking for the same level of a committed relationship, and willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen, it doesn't matter how much you try to make it work, it simply can't be done.
I wish you could see how one-sided these relationships are that you fight so hard to make work, while you're the one doing all the work. I wish you could see how much you were giving without getting much - if anything - in return, and how much more you deserve someone who you don't have to try to make yourself feel secure with.
It's either there because he can give you something to feel secure about, or it isn't.
It's this taking on everything that's his and making it all about what you did wrong or what you didn't handle better that takes everything that's already wrong and makes it so much worse.
When you can stop blaming yourself, you'll find it so much easier to move on.
If you're finding it hard to do this, start by making a list of everything you want in a relationship, in someone who makes you feel secure, and then make another list of what this guy could give you and what he couldn't.
That's who he really was, not what he said he was, but what his actions actually showed you.
Then compare the two. Was he really all that? Or can you see that what you actually want and what he's capable of giving you are two very different things when it comes down to the qualities that really matter?
Someone who loves and gives and cares as deeply as you do deserves so much more than this.
The irony is that it's only in letting go of what isn't a match for your heart that you open the door to being able to see what will be. My hope for you is that you'll be able to see that today, whoever you are, wherever you've been and whatever you're going through right now.
If we can't let go of what's hurting us, how will ever be able to find what loves us?
Love,
Jane
Resonate much? Been here too many times myself. Let me know you're with me in the comments. Much love to you!
You are right on ! Thank you so much !!
Much Love!
Oh this email arrives just when I need it. I don't know how to thank Jane enough for this. One sided love is the hardest that ever happened to me. I have had a fair share of heartbreaks, but none compared to this. You keep giving, holding yourself back, but recieve less or inconsistently high and low. You live with hope, yet anxieties eat you up. You wonder why he falls for others, when you once were the girl of his dream. You spent nights analyzing every single details, memories, what could have been, what had been, and what's wrong in the between. You wondered what women of his past had, that you didn't. That somehow they are lucky, because they used to be what is real to him but you are in the "almost" status. For me, I have to move past it and work on it - 2 years and counting and it still hurts. I know I have it all in me, and despite flaws, I deserve to be loved and wanted. I know there are tons of people out there, ready for me to go and meet. Yet, my mind holds up onto this one person. Feeling I can never be measured up. Feeling like I am a dramatic, demand too much when it seems to be a natural need. I lost so much of myself. And sometimes I hate myself for never been able to measure up to those other women, of his past, and of his future.
This resonates with me so much, thank you Jane. You are like my good friend, that I have never met. Reading this gives me hope, that I am not abnormal to feel the way I feel. 💕
So not abnormal for feeling the way you feel, Mildly! So glad it resonated with you and just you being here means everything to me. Much love to you!
I see, hear and feel everything your saying. Except him walking away with the power I gave him. We were best friends for over a decade before getting together and I thought I knew the person I was getting involved with. How very wrong I was and very blind. I was hesitant to start with as I didn't want to take a chance of ruining our friendship but I think deep down my gut knew it wasn't a good idea. Stupid me, I did it anyway. I now find myself in a situation where he just won't go, no matter what my mouth or actions say. I've made my decision, seen him for what he really is and how different we both are in what we want in a relationship and I'm at peace with the knowledge that it is never going to work. Yet I just can't him out of my life, he will not go. I've packed his stuff then dropped it off to one of his ex girlfriends (which there are many) as even while together he would stay over night with any one of them sometimes up to 5 day at a time chopping and changing each night between them by not contacting me at all the while time he may have been gone. I still don't comprehend how a grown man in his early 50s could possibly think it's ok to do that when your involved with someone. I even changed my locks, then I made a big mistake, I allowed him to collect the rest of his belongings that I couldn't move and as I didn't want to be around him I left the house and when I came home he had moved all his belongings back in. He knows what kind of person I am and how I'm always opening my door for people when in need and he's now taking advantage of my empathy. I realise now from what you were saying that I have given him the power he holds over me as he says he needs time to find a place and I'm allowing him to pull the wool over my eyes and letting him stay because deep down I want to believe that he'll do the right thing and go even though I no he's not even going to try because I've allowed him to get away with so much this whole time that he thinks he can keep on doing what he wants and doesn't believe I'm serious or have the strength to walk away from him. To make it even worse he just carries on as though nothing has changed (as always) and I'm just going along with it because it's easier. I'm at the end of my rope as I don't know how to go about making him want to leave and it's starting to take its toll on me mentally and I can feel myself changing into a person I don't want to become. 😤😫
Glad you're seeing the power connection here, Petrina. Take your power back, no one "gets" to do this to you. Sure it's hard to stand up to this, especially when you've got your shoulds around how someone else should behave, but when you can't change him, you find your boundaries and you change yourself into someone who uses them. We have to teach people how to treat us instead of hoping they'll see the light. We love the light, but they're usually running from it so it doesn't expose them for who they are.
Wow! 🤦♀️ You hit it. You definitely understand. I am grateful for your words of wisdom.
Thank you!
So glad you're here, Teri. Love you sweet soul. I do!
Thank u. Everything u said is all my feelings. I just don’t understand why they want to blame u and if I’m the one at fault / to blame then why does he stay / keep coming back to me ? I don’t ask him to. If I’m not feeling secure I put my wall up quick. I don’t feel like I ask for any more than I’m willing to give myself. I am guilty of once I’m having to doubt their commitment or the trust is broken then I become very distant and want them to prove their love for me. Of course that never really works in my favor because then I get blamed again for not making them feel wanted. I am afraid to let my wall down because I don’t want to get hurt. Sadly it then turns into neither of us wanting to b the one looking like the vulnerable one and can never seem to get on the same level. The more one gives the more the other takes. It seems impossible to return to when things were equally comfortable. Is it possible to rekindle a love that was once real and if so how?
Thanks
Patty
Start with being honest, and vulnerable and being the first to go there. Start there. And stop allowing yourself to get blamed again. Take back your power. No one gets to blame you. If they don't feel wanted, ask them how you they want to feel wanted, what that looks like to them. Don't let it turn into the blame game and who's at fault. Start by not blaming yourself then hear someone and recognize their feelings don't translate to you owning their feelings and taking them on you. You can't rekindle a love that used to be without being vulnerable, without being honest and real and asking for what you want to try, to see what might be possible. Stay curious. Don't take it all so personally. People are real, not perfect, and we all make mistakes and have regrets and have time admitting when we mess up or we're apologizing too much as a cover for what we're afraid to have a direct conversation about. It may or may not be possible but I do know that it can only happen by being vulnerable yourself first and if he's not going to join you there, you can at least sleep at night knowing you've done your part to open that door and make your way back to something that's worth it to you.
Thank you join for making me realize that some people are better left in our hearts and not in our lives and that it’s better to burn some bridges no matter how hard it is.
I wish it were different, Xiluva, but I've lived in that make believe fantasy world for too many of my relationships to know you absolutely are realizing the truth here. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.