Ever been ghosted and had to let go without any closure? That's what Trisha's going through. If that's an all-too familiar theme for you, read on to hear her story and my response. You can also check out this video I just posted about how to get closure and move on.
Her email:
Hi Jane,
I'm having a horrible time dealing with a recent situation with an ex.
We dated for 8 months. During this time things felt ok and progressive, yet I could tell he had a wall up and I could not understand why.
He is a law enforcement officer and after 8 months he disappeared with no word.
I went in an emotional shock for weeks trying to contact him over and over. A few months later, he sends me pictures via text to me of me. No caption just old pictures he took of me.
7 months later he emerges and turns out he was undercover and could not contact me for a period of time and when he could, he chickened out basically because he knew I was hurt. So, we begin to talk again, I waited a few months but began asking him if he wanted to try again but he was hesitant.
I realized that he was suffering from PTSD, so I backed up. Overall, he did show some signs he was still in love with me which kept me holding out hope.
Worth mentioning is the music. He often would send song messages to me or post on his social media page for me to see that were all about starting over again, I love you, I want you... etc. He used to tell me when we dated how music said everything he couldn't so I took these as signs he wanted me but needed time.
This went on for the remainder of the year; we would talk but we only kept it light.
At the end of the year, I found out he had been hospitalized but I didn't know why. To my surprise I learned from his mom indirectly that he had a heart attack but also learned he was battling melanoma over the year. He never told me this and I was scared and hurt and emotional not knowing what stage it was or if he was terminal.
For a month or so after that I tried unsuccessfully to get him to tell me. He kept saying he was fine. I eventually wrote him and told him I knew. His response was sending me another picture of me.
As for us romantically I left that alone but began writing him to tell him how much I love him and want to be there for him. We ended up having a talk that quickly heated up on a completely petty subject about a minor situation that happened the first month we met.
It was silly and after we got off the phone I apologized in a voicemail. It would however be the last time I talked to him.
It's been over a month.
I have no idea why he won't respond but I've written, I've called... I see him on his social media sites though so he's ok. I don't believe it's work related this time I believe it's deliberate.
I am broken over this.
I've already gone through a broken heart once before over him and to think I have to do it again and I have no clue why he pushed me away is killing me. 2 years this has gone on.
It really hurts to know he's sick. It hurts to know he is ok but he won't respond. I feel I'm being treated like I've hurt him!
I need to heal but I have no idea if it is possible a second time with no closure.
-Trisha
My Response:
I so hear your pain here, Trisha. It's never easy to move on when it makes no sense to you and you're left with so many unanswered questions.
I wrote a post about exactly this topic that may help you to find your way through this.
But above all, start by not being so hard on yourself. You've done the best you could with what you knew at the time and it's not up to you to make this relationship be all that it could be!
If he has his own walls up, it's because of him and not you or anything you could have done to cause this.
I have several posts about letting go (as well as this video) that you find helpful if you do a search on my site for the words "letting go". It can be one of the hardest thing to do, but when you realize you have a choice to either try to fight reality or accept it, you'll find your peace in what learning to accept "what is".
And as always, Trisha, my best advice is to always live your own life. Create the life of your dreams with everything except a guy - for now. Get creative. I'll bet there's things you've never fully explored that would make you every bit as happy without this guy!
Don't make anyone - no matter who he is! - the center of your universe. You have to be willing to give someone the space to be themselves so that you can be your own self, too.
Fill your life with your own friends, your own hobbies, your own passions.
Life is about being your true self, about being honest about what you're really looking for to find exactly that. It's about you finding and knowing what you need - not what someone else says you need - to be truly happy.
And most of all, remember this one thing. You don't ever EVER want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you!
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
Got something you want to share with Trisha? Tell her in the comments below!
I feel for you Trisha, I’ve been dealing with a man who doesn’t know what he wants for past 5 years. We don’t live together now because I left him due to him being indifferent towards me. I’ve known him for 10 years. We lived together for the first 5 years, broke up, but kept in contact and saw each other on occasion , then moved in together again in 2019, and then I left in 2020 right before the pandemic. This man is 56 years old and still doesn’t know what he wants. We can be fine for a few days, weeks or months and then all of a sudden he goes no contact or he’s vague when we talk. He brings up the past a lot and reminds me every chance he gets about my flaws and what I did wrong in the relationship. He never takes accountability for his actions. Instead of us being on the same page and living a happy life together he keeps putting up these walls/barriers that make it impossible to move forward in the relationship. I’ve taken Jane’s advice and now I just do things on my own. I don’t expect anything from him. If he wants a good life with me, he knows where to find me. I’m not going to play mind games, or worry myself over whether he wants me or not. Life is too short and happiness depends on oneself. If it’s meant to be it will happen. You can’t force anyone to love you or want to be with you. Love yourself more!! I’m 55 years old and never in a million years did I think I would be in a situation where I’m waiting around for a man to commit to me. The man that loves a woman would never make her wait around, nor play mind games, ghost her nor pull other immature tactics all because he can’t be honest and upfront with her. We have value, we deserve to be treated with respect and admiration. I know it’s hard especially when you love the person and try to accept their behaviors and flaws, but they aren’t accepting us so why do we continue to accept them?! My best wishes to you Trisha. I hope you gain clarity reading everyone’s stories. I know it has helped me. You’re not alone. Blessings 🙏🙏♥️
❤️ Trisha, oh honey I feel your pain 😕
I think he’s in Love with you, but possibly the type of man that doesn’t know how to handle it. That could be why he’s sending you the pictures of “You” . Maybe trying in an indirect way to show you that he still has your pictures, holds them dear, and wants you to know that..
It’s so painful to be ghosted, I’m sorry for your pain. It’s awful.
But just know, it’s not something you did wrong.
Maybe, in fact.... you did everything Right, and he knows you’re the one.
But because Men can be stubborn, especially when there’s a health issue,
He’s confused and scared.
Doesn’t want to drag you into what could be painful for you in the long run.
If you really really Love him, ask yourself that first. Then don’t give up on him. But save some energy and Lots of Love for yourself.
Also ask yourself if you really think he’s the one, or are you mostly frustrated because of the ghosting.
I had a similar situation and didn’t give up. Long distance Relationship..
We are now happily living together for 2 years and it was worth hanging in there for.
I believe in hanging in and knowing God has a plan for the good in His timing. Go with your heart, but take care of you!
Wishing you the very best!
That is so so true what Jane said, we don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with us. And honestly if we could “make” them want to be with us, would we really want that?
I am having trouble seeing the good stuff from this relationship. It seems it ended after those first 8 months then lingered on.
This is super hard but try to be determined to move on. When you start to think of him, force yourself to think of a few things that annoyed you or you didn’t feel comfortable about or choose from the various times he didn’t even treat you like one would treat a friend. That’s him, not any nice moments from the first 8 months (and remember you felt a wall then as well).
Remind yourself you need to move on so you can be open to meet the guy who is wonderful, there, constant, open with you, chases you, etc..
You WILL meet that guy once you can get over this one. Cry, treat yourself gently, see a therapist, and allow yourself time to heal. But with the focus on healing not yearning or remembering.
I dated a guy for 3 years and we lived together for 2 years and he just disappeared one day. Didn’t come home one Sunday as usual after dropping me off in the morning after we went to Church (and we had just had a nice date night out the night before for Valentine’s Day).
It was a super hard time. You can imagine the calls and emails to him, to the hospitals, police, friends, and family.
A few or several days later, he came by our place while I was at work and took some of his stuff (I only knew because noticed the items missing). I started to leave a note for him and he did return a couple times to get more stuff, but never left me a note.
I never heard from him ever again.
I became determined to move on and it took time. I probably didn’t feel like myself again for another year. Fast forward though, and after finding this website and reading Jane’s items as well as other people’s experiences in the comments, I became more and excited that I could choose my next guy. AND be much more better and mindful about it!
I am now with someone who made my journey worth it. I am RELIEVED that none of the past heartaches ever worked out. Honestly, I even feel like I escaped a bullet when it came to a few of them. This guy included.
You can do this and you will reach the point where you look back … with relief.