Don't spend any more of your time or energy on why it didn't work out, why he ghosted you or whatever else you can't let go of.
We spend wayyyyy too much time ruminating over everything we should have done differently to keep a guy.
The only retrospect you want is that he wasn't your guy.
There's lots of different guys, just this one wasn't yours!
Your goal is to meet as many men as possible and move on from the ones who ghost you or don't pursue you.
Don't stay there trying to figure out why.
Don't waste your time.
Here's the problem. If you change yourself to emulate what that one guy you can't get over wanted you to be, you're going to miss the guy who's actually right for you because you'll be off being what someone else wanted you to be.
You want him to be able to recognize you for you!
And of course, I only know this because this is what I always did. Are you doing this, too?
What do YOU think you have to change about yourself to get the guy you want? Share it here in the comments! (And then I'll tell you why you don't!)
Love,
Jane
How does someone that is older and not as pretty as before find love in this world where men now look through me--not at me!
I need to get him out of my heart and mind but I can’t seem to. I know I deserve better, and I know I need to put myself first, etc… but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate that!!! I wish I could erase him completely from my heart and memory but I can’t. I probably sound like a sick, obsessed person but I really am not! I really do want him out of my thoughts and heart. He doesn’t deserve to take up that space. I know all this but yet he still pops up in my mind every day and keeping busy has not helped out, not completely anyway .
I know you're not, Marisa! You're like every other woman I talk to on the other end of the phone. Your power is in acknowledging and accepting that this is where you're at - that you can't just "get him out of your heart and mind" because he actually meant something to you. That's the reason. If he were all bad, if he had no redeeming qualities, this WOULD be easy and you could erase him fro your heart and memory. This isn't aobut knowing what you SHOULD do, it's meeting yourself right where you are with grace and dignity and compassion right there. We only make it harder to let go when we keep trying to force ourselves out of where we are by using shameing tactics. Acknowledge your feelings. Accept that this IS hard, not just that you should be able to do it. Someone who wasn't you might be able to do it easily, but that's not you! Give yourself a reasonable time limit for when you want to think less of him and until then, set aside a specific time every day when you can think all you want about him. When he comes up in your thoughts, remind yourself you have that set time to ruminate about coming up and you can wait until then, nothing will happen until then. Yes, we know you deserve better and we know you know that, too, but this is also part of getting over someone. Remembering both the good AND the bad - which is the reason you're not with him now, is helpful, too as we usually miss someone more and think more highly of them when we can't have them anymore. Hope this helps! It's because of your beautiful heart that you can't just let him go any easier than this!
Thank you Jane! You always have the right words to say and I know that you’ve experienced some, if not all these things that we all talk about. I know you are doing this out of the goodness of your heart. To help other women get through these very sad, lonely, frustrating, and heart breaking times. Thank you for your work in helping me and so many others. God bless you 10-fold. 🙏♥️
Told I was too motherly. What can I said I have a big heart ❤️
You might be "too motherly" for HIM, Donna, but someone else is going to appreciate you exactly as you are. Take his words simply as confirmation that this isn't your guy - compatibility is the issue here again. I know a lot of men who have wives and partners who are very motherly with them, and they love it. It's just not the ones you've met so far!
Recognize what I want and need and be true to myself.
Oh that's such a big one, Isabelle. Clarity! If you can be as powerful as you've been at getting what you've been clear about so far, just imagine how powerful you're going to be when you have the clarity of what you want and need that's true to your authentic beautiful self!
I feel the same way as Melissa's comment. I have done a lot of work on myself in the last 2 years and have really let a lot of things go and have forgiven myself and others who have done me wrong. I feel happy most days without a lot of drama in my life. I am the most content I have ever been. I don't need a man in my life and am quite happy without one. I am in such a great place I feel like if I were to start dating, I would get someone with old baggage and traumas of their own. I guess that is where my problem lies. In the past, those were the men I attracted. I would say the only thing, at this point in my life, I would truly have to change about me is letting those men go much, much earlier.
Exactly, but I know I may never meet the right one if I don't get out of that mindsight. I am just really enjoying the mental and emotional freedom after a 5 year relationship that never went anywhere!
Being aware of this is everything, Heidi. You'll recognize the type earlier now and while your usual type may still hold some attraction for you, you'll recognize what you'll have to give up or put up with to be with them and THAT will no longer be attractive to you! Make sense? And no need to actively date if you find yourself happy just as you are. Just enjoy socializing is what I like to call it. That's really the point. Meeting people who are worth spending your time and energy on when you're doing just fine on your own. You've got a great balance here!
I don’t feel like I really need to change anything about myself to have the guy I want. I say that because I’ve done a lot of work on myself. The one thing I can say is that in order to find that guy I’m probably going to have to open myself up more. I’m just at a point where I can’t really tolerate certain things so I have just resolved myself to being alone if it means I don’t have to deal with a bunch of crap LOL. I know that’s not the proper way to be if I plan to ever be in a relationship so if anything I must work on that.
Nothing wrong with that, Melissa. There's so many things you should never tolerate or even attempt to for the sake of being in a relationship! Like I said to someone else, just enjoy socializing, keeping your options open IF you meet someone you're interested in getting to know better. This is NEVER EVER about compromising who you are or subscribing to someone else's belief systems or "proper" ways of being! It's about finding where you thrive and creating that environment whatever that looks like personally to you!
I guess he would like me to be a little younger
Age is all about energy, Vicki. If someone's that stuck on age, he's not someone for you!