How does he fall out of love so easily?

Have you ever wondered why this happens? You're not the only one. Read on to find out what I have to say about this!

Her email:

Hi Jane,

I am writing this to let out some steam as I don't have many friends and really have no one to talk to.

March 2020, in the first week of lockdown, I was suggested to use dating apps by my parent's to get to know more people and see if anything develops. As I am extremely introverted and like to spend majority of my time alone.

On the first week of using a dating app, I met him.

We added each other's contact information and had on and off short conversations into July when he had added my Instagram. I never initiated any of the conversations and gave short replies as I was still very skeptical of online dating and because of my shy nature, I didn't know how to start the conversations.

After adding my Instagram in July, he responded every so often to some stories I would post.

Mid-August, he suddenly sent me two videos, one of him singing while playing piano and one of him singing while playing the guitar. I was really intrigued and paid more attention to him.

Since the two videos, he would send me a picture of his morning lattes with funny latte art creations, though most of them were the result of an unsuccessful heart. We communicated daily with non-stop back and forth text messages.

(Side note, we were in two different countries with around 1.5 hour flight time. He is 7 years older than me.)

Due to the pandemic, we were unable to travel to meet each other, but I did find so much joy and happiness texting him everyday. He had asked to call and facetime, however, because I was too shy, I had pushed it until late November.

We had our first call and a week later, we had our first facetime.

I enjoyed it so much, although, he was a bit shy too and we had quite a few silences, It felt so amazing. Thinking back, I think I was falling in love with him already. I don't have much experience dating, and this was exactly what I thought the rush of love and dating is all about.

Flash forward, he told me he is now considering immigrating to my Country to be with me, I was so excited! Of course, I was also skeptical as we had never met in person. But regardless, I was in heaven.

We would text a lot about our future, where we want to travel, and he would tell me about his stories about his MBA times, his grandmother's death and his time as a professional gambler.

He made a list of restaurants he wanted to take me to, weekend getaways, and even planned a long stay in my city. Until March 2021, a year after we started texting each other, I did the bravest and most risky thing I have done in my 26 years. I made a decision to fly out to his city to meet him.

But what happens next, is so heartbreaking. Even now, I would smile at our memories and then start shedding tears until this point.

I arrived at his city, where he picked me up and dropped me off at my hotel. We then went out to dinner and had the most wonderful 10 days of my life, he brought me to local restaurants, winery and we would go out at night for ice cream.

However, thinking back now, I should have told myself that we may not have worked out, we didn't talk most of the time. We would sit there in silence, but to me, it was comfortable silence as I was so used to it being an introverted person.

I thought he was too, as he told me he was more of a silent type as well. During the last two nights, we became intimate, and it was amazing.

On the day I was leaving, he sent me to the airport, we hugged but thinking back, I think he had looked a bit uncomfortable and a bit distant. But I was still in my "in love high".

Coming back to my city where I needed to quarantine for 14 days, things got worse incrementally from there. He wouldn't text me as much as he previously did, and even so, I thought it was a bit short and abrupt.

Three weeks coming back to my city, I thought we were done, I sincerely thought that he no longer wanted me at that point. However, when I had brought up the courage to ask him, he said he is just really busy and that he of course still likes me.

At this point, I didn't continue the thought as we had been talking about a future house together in his city. He was also sharing his asset information with me, so I really told myself that I was just being absurd and over thinking.

However, things continued to get worse, there would be a few days when I would be the only one texting, and he'd reply saying "Sorry, a lot has been going on at work" or "Sorry, I wasn't feeling well" and totally disregarded my previous messages.

Also, want to mention that, we haven't called in around 3.5 weeks, at this point, I had requested to call three times, in which, he either ignored me, saying he fell asleep, or he was shopping for groceries.

To me, this really was the point he is only trying to be nice and not break up with me. So, one day when he forgot his daily "morning" message, I sent him a long message basically to break up with him.

I felt so bad doing it over text, but at the time, I really don't think he would take my call. After two days of sending him a breakup message, I reached out and asked if we can call for a bit to chat. He replied, "he really just want to be by himself these days" and said he will "talk to me next week".

I asked if it was about me, and he said it was in general. I really cared about him, and personally, I really still want to be back together with him. But, I thought that nothing would be good either way If I pushed too hard.

He didn't reach out to me a week later, so I again reached out to him and asked if he was doing okay. In which he replied, "I am doing fine." followed by "How are you?" He never would include a period at the end of his texts, so to me this was the end. I replied with a "that's good" to his I am doing fine message but ignored the how are you message as I knew that it wouldn't be healthy to continue on.

I am so saddened, and overcome with grief. I thought he was the one.

Sometimes, I get mad at myself and say that I really shouldn't have broken up with him through text and that I really should have reached out to him to talk about it and ask him if there is anything going on in his life.

I guess what I really want is closure, I really want to know what happened. Did he think I was too boring, was I not pretty enough, was I not smart enough.

And... why was I not enough?

I really want to know, but it's a question that I will never get to ask him. We talked daily for 9 months, the sudden stop is getting to me.

This is more of just letting out my internal feelings and thoughts rather than a question, and was looking for any input and advice you have. Thanks so much!!

Sincerely,

Oat Latte Bunny

My Response:

Oh how my heart breaks for you, Oat Latte Bunny!

I know you want closure, I know you want to understand what happened so you can move on from him but you've got everything you need to see right here.

Stop with me here and look closer at everything you had to do to try to get your answers from him, how you had to plot what and when and how to approach him to talk, to find out what was going on, to even have a conversation about something as significant as breaking up with him!

He was already gone.

He had already checked out. This was all about a fantasy and when the two of you finally met in person, it all came to a head. It was over before it even began!

He fell out of love so easily because he fell in love so easily. He was gone before you even met him in person! And you knew this. That's why you pushed even your FaceTime to November. Not just because you're shy; because you knew this was all based on the fantasy of all those back and forth messages.

Love isn't a fantasy the way it's depicted in the movies and the way we've been conditioned to believe it happens.

If you're falling in love fast, you're falling in love with the feeling of someone, the way they make you feel, not because of anything that's got staying power if it's all about how they make you feel. He was done almost before you met him, except that you didn't kow it at the time.

Learn from this. I know we hate one more lesson instead of what we came for, but there's a fundamental truth here.

You have to go slow in the beginning. You have to take your time to get to know someone. You have to remind yourself that if this is going to last, it's only going to be because you got to know each other well enough to know you had something worth keeping for both of you. And you have to make sure you meet them in person many, many times in different seasons BEFORE you ever tell yourself you're falling in love with them!

I can't say this enough. It's only a fantasy until you've actually met them in real life, in person!

One last thing. Don't chase someone when you feel the energy shift like this. It's over if you do. I can confirm that for you after years of doing this myself and years of coaching women who fell into this trap, too.

It doesn't matter whether he found you too boring, or not pretty enough or smart enough or any other kind of enough. If you EVER have to ask "Why was I not enough?", it's because this person was so clearly not the person for who you are right now.

If you don't like it, change it. Get more interesting, pretty yourself up more, get smarter or whatever else you want to be more of. But don't do it for some guy who's going to change like the wind depending on the day. Do it for YOU!

I hope this helps!

Love,

Jane

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