The biggest breakthroughs in my coaching practice happen when you realize what you actually need, not just what you're so used to saying you want.
I lived almost my entire single life saying I wanted one thing when I really wanted something very different, so I'm really good at helping you see these things when you can't see them for yourself. Usually, I end up confirming what you know in your heart you've needed all along, but the way it looks when it finds you can be very confusing because it's not what you expected it to be.
See if this makes it any clearer for you.
You're looking for love, for a guy who loves you, who won't cheat on you, won't change at the 3 month mark, who actually means it when he says he's looking for a committed relationship or to get married just like you want, too.
So why do you keep on finding the opposite? Even with the good guy who passes all the "tests" in the beginning?
It's because there's a disconnect between what you think you want and what you ACTUALLY need.
Here me out on this - considering this was my thing for years - and it's the answer that unlocks the blocks for my clients getting what they want, too!
You can't choose the player if you don't want to play. He plays because he CAN. He plays because we allow him to. And while he may be exciting and give us the illusion that we can change him if we're only perfect enough, that's a lie that only serves him, not you.
And there's a high level playing that's not the usual player kind. It seems classier. The guy doesn't present like a player BECAUSE he's so good at it.
Most of the women I've coached through this didn't call their guy a player. I never did either.
They're never players when we're with them. It's only AFTER that we realize this is exactly what they were.
But when we're dating them, flying high with the feeling of being loved and special and in a real relationship with this guy who seems so perfect for us, he's just our guy. Someone who's so close but because of his past or his history, he just needs us to get him there.
Or that's we believe.
So here's what I want you to tell me today. I want you to get crystal clear with me on what it is you need.
It's never ever a player, but it's something else. So tell me, in your own words, what is it you want most that you can only get in a relationship.
Is it love?
Is it intimacy?
Is it someone to do things with?
Is it feeling safe and secure?
Is it status - a sense of belonging?
Or is it something else entirely? What is that thing?
Sara found the guy she was looking for when she recognized she was looking to do what her mother did with her dad - she got this football star to commit to her and set the standard for what a good woman should be able to do.
Kate found her guy when she stopped trying to live up to her expectations around the type of guy she was "supposed" to get, and freed herself up to find someone actually compatible with her instead.
Jennifer found herself happy with the relationship she already had with her guy when she stopped trying to change him to what he was supposed to be, and started accepting him for who he was instead.
What are YOU looking for?
Tell me here. This might just be how you find exactly that!
Love,
Jane
I’m looking for intimacy not even the sex part that much but having someone to cuddle with, to wake up next to with, to love ...
I have been in a loveless marriage for 20 years and feel guilty about leaving him because of his health and age! Help
Is it love?
Is it intimacy?
Is it someone to do things with?
Is it feeling safe and secure?
Is it status - a sense of belonging?
I want someone to adore me, to want intimacy with me, and to want to do things with me. Someone who will put my happiness equal to his own. I don’t think I want to marry again, but I would like a committed relationship.
Hi Jane I think all of the above I want.To feel loved,accepted,safe and secure, and definately belonging.
Okay, so you're clear on that, Glenda. That's the first part! Now my question is who's going to do that for you? Who's the guy who can actually give you that? Get clear on that. Is it the type of guy you've been choosing? Can you picture any of the guys you've been saying "yes" to giving you these things you've narrowed it down to? What would a guy like that be like, where would he be, what would he be doing? Understand that guy and you'll walk right into him!
Hi, how To cope with all the sadness and emptyness after deciding to end things with a man? How To cope with the feeling of losing, honestly, the hope of finding the One?
Iam not not getting desperate but more like cynically looking things. Finding someone seems hope less and the result seems always to be bad. I guess I am starting To settle to the Mode of accepting that I Will be alone or I need To settle for someone. 🤔
I want security and true love and commitment not just words
I want someone who i can talk openly about any topic with.
I want someone who dosnt judge me.
I want someone who will support me emotionally.
I want understanding and trust and loyalty.
I also want freedom in the relationship to be able to be who I am without ridicule. Freedom to explore things, new experiences without being caged and told no, I cannot do that.
I want someone who will comfort me when im crying and laugh with me when im happy
I’m looking for someone who loves God more than anything else because I know if he loves Him first he will treat me and love me well. I’ve seen this type of man but I’ve never been able to have one in my life because I keep choosing the opposite of what I really want for the long run. Not looks so much, not status, not what they like to do, but how they are in their walk spiritually. That’s what I’m looking for in a man and unfortunately in this world there are very few men out there that love God first. Sad but true. Some might say I’m looking for a Saint then, but aren’t we all called to be Saints?!
Im looking for a mutual love and respect. An attraction. A companion and friend most of all that will go on adventures with me and I with him. I thought I found just that in my late husband. Unmarried for 13 years and we were such a match. We fell in love, got married and 18 months into our marriage he died of a heart attack at work at 53 years old. I feel like I will never have a companion, love, friend, like that again so I guess I settle for what ever I can get. Aloof, users/losers that have no intentions of having a relationship with me.
A man who will value me, love me, make time for me, still be independent but respect me and trust me grow with me, listen, understand, be a friend, lover, not cheat. Not just want to be in it for sex and their wants and needs and tell me what I want to hear and only make time when they want. It’s so hard to date in this world with social media and the lack of respect and trust and I’m ready to give up
I don’t want a yes man. I want someone that challenges me but loves me and isn’t looking out the window fir something better. I want to be enough for someone. Laugh fight make love security. Passion
Hi Jane, thank you .
I want a man who can have conversations with me in a intellectual level but who will also bring lighntess and happiness into my life. I want to have a man who is also willing to go working abroad and search new adventures. Iam really sensitive so I think I need someone who can understand that and is not afraid of that -my need to talk about things and sometimes I can be very temperamentic. Iam not afraid of confrontation, I need a man who is not also scared of that.
I need intimacy, to feel safe and that i think is a gateway for me to passion and good sex life.
I need someone who can make me calm down when Iam nervous, overwhelmed and who can read me in that way.
I want to have children but if that is not possible, then adopt.
Iam so tired of men disappearing, getting scared of stg or understanding stg wrong.I need someone who is able to express his feelings and thoughts so that I can understand him and he can understand me.
I think he needs to be quite strong minded and maybe calm and indepented. He should not get scared very easily.
Stg like this is what Iam thinking. What do you think? 🙂
Many husband had just died. I was 72. I really wasn't looking for anything serious. I did decide to go to places where there were men and women having fun; the senior center was it. Harry was a widower within that year also. He was also looking for fun. He had seen me at his church years before. We met at the center and started having fun together. I fell for him right away and started thinking marriage. My frustration was he didn't want to get remarried. Fast forward, over 7 yrs later, he just proposed. Everyone is as surprised as me. November is the month.
Congratulations, Ginny. I'm so happy for you! ❤
I want my guy back but a narcissistic female has taken him to another town and he can't seem to see what's going on. Now he won't read my messages. I love him and I don't know what to do. 😔
Just had a call with another gorgeous soul going through the same thing, Michelle. It's heartbreaking! Take her out of this completely. Adopt the mindset that you're the prize here, you're the one who has so much to offer someone who's capable if seeing you in the first place! Don't think of this other woman as the competition - this isn't a competition! - and don't think of her at all. Take a break from messaging him because you aren't chasing after anyone. You're living your life, calmly and confidently because you only want to be with someone who wants you and you KNOW your own value with or without this guy right now!
You say you love him so send him that love out to the universe energetically. I can't tell you how many times doing this brought on a message or phone call from the guy I finally understood this concept of love with. Then YOU have the power. You get to decide what you want to do with him when you're no longer looking at love - and getting him back - through the lens of competition and scarcity.
Men are so much more energetically in tune than we ever give them credit for. Make this work for you, not against you and you'll see such a difference, Michelle. No competition, no scarcity. Just beautiful, confident, radiant you - who knows your own worth. ❤
I want a man who communicates well with me & invests his time in me. I was seeing a man for 8 months last year & he was very poor in both these respects. I don’t want a man who lives in my pocket, just someone who can be in regular contact & makes the effort to see me often too. Not too much to ask when you’re in a relationship!
I'm looking for something that's hard to explain, kind of an energetic connection.
Oooh you're onto something here, Megan! Explain that energetic connection to me. Especially- what about it makes it so hard to explain?