Beautiful Emma wants a committed, exclusive relationship with her boyfriend of almost three months, but he doesn't. Ever been there?
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Jane... I love your work.
I know you've talked about these types of men before but I'm hoping you can help me with the following issue:
I've been seeing this guy I met online for, maybe, 2.5 months (not exclusive). We have a great connection.
There are a lot of qualities I adore about him - he is generally a good communicator, not defensive, and very reassuring and responsive every time I raise a concern.
The problem for me, tho, is that after being in a toxic situation last year, he is VERY committed to the idea of taking his next relationship slowly and really getting to know each other and building the friendship first before committing.
He believes that people (himself included) tends to rush into things before really knowing each other. This also means, according to him, that he needs to date other women to be sure about who is the best fit.
I decided that this wasn't working for me because I was ready for a commitment and he wasn't (and I was anxious).
I attempted to walk away, actually suggesting that we be friends (although I really didn't want to do this). We had a conversation about this, and again, he was so so reassuring and validating of my feelings and asked me to not walk away.
He said that I was so important to him but that he wanted to stick with the take-it-slow approach. I felt a lot better after this conversation and took back my plan to walk away right now but then realized I'm still in the same place I was in before.
I trust him, but I have a fear that his desire to take things slow may be code for "I'm just not into you enough." If he was going to commit, shouldn't we be closer by now?
I'm worried that maybe he's just too scared because of what happened before and that's a red flag. I want to be self-respecting, but I also don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water -- because he just has certain qualities that I think are really really great.
How do I do that?
Any thoughts would be great, thank u!
- Emma
My Response:
Hi Emma,
First of all, thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you're enjoying my work. And I'm glad you reached out because I've got some very clear thoughts here for you!
I don't know who this guy is, but, Emma, he is so taking advantage of your kind, understanding nature. His words ARE a code, but not the code of "I'm just not into you enough."
It's code for "You're perfect for me because you're okay with me still dating other women at 2.5 months and you'll keep auditioning to be my girlfriend while I figure out if I'm ready to commit to just one woman."
He KNOWS you're going to go straight to whether you're enough for him here, not whether his behavior is appropriate or not. And that's the problem. He's making this about you without you even realizing it.
This is what tipped me off immediately: His line that he needs to date other women besides you to know you're the best fit. That's straight out of the player how-to book.
You're obviously like so many of the women I work with in this online community - giving, caring, loving, understanding, compassionate, gracious - I could go on and on. But what that means is that this type of guy is going to tell you exactly what you want to hear all the while keeping a respectful "I'm doing this for us" tone that's your biggest red flag of all.
Emma, men like this hone in on precisely your type of beautiful soul. They KNOW you're going to make this about you and put this on you. They know how to spot these beautiful qualities you have because you're precisely the kind of woman they're looking for. To let them get away with behaviors they want to make sure they can get away with!
The answer isn't to change anything about yourself and all these incredible qualities you possess that for the right guy, is going to feel like he's the luckiest guy in the world when he finds you.
It's to recognize when something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
It's about noticing when you're about to make excuses for him or be understanding of his situation, or try to pitch what he's trying to sell you on as common sense when every part of you is screaming, "No, that's not how it's done!"
And you'd be right, because it's not how it's done.
His smooth talking explanations aren't sitting well with me because I've heard everything by now and can see these men for who they are from a mile away, no matter how subtle they think they're being.
You shouldn't have to, but unfortunately, you have to have your eyes wide open because too many women - like the other ones he's dating now - keep giving him a pass.
As for his explanation that he's only taking it slow because of his last toxic relationship, he's omitting one pretty significant detail there. It was very likely toxic because of him.
You're only getting his side, but I've talked to enough women who've gotten this bad rap to be pretty sure if they're being described as "toxic", it's because he's driving them to behaviors they'd never otherwise have to resort to if he weren't the toxic one in the relationship.
Stone walling is toxic. Dating other women at 2.5 months in while creating a relationship environment where you feel like you have to prove yourself worthy enough by beating out the competition to get him to commit to you is toxic.
If you push back, I would fully expect him to describe you as toxic to the next woman he dates after you!
I have no doubt he's got some really great qualities, Emma (they always do!) and you wouldn't be here if he didn't. You only throw him out if you don't want to be back here with another go around anytime soon.
My question would be what do you think is going to be different this time if you've already been here with him before?
Like most of us, my hunch is you're going to try to prove you're worth it which is the most heartbreaking thing you can do with a guy like this who has no intention of committing to the winner of a contest he's created for his benefit.
Because it's certainly not for the relationship, and certainly not for you.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
Your turn, Gorgeous. What do you think of Emma's guy and what do you think she should do here? Tell her in the comments!
Totally agree. Walk away with your head held high. You are more worthy they of receiving respect honesty and commitment especially after 2 1/2 months. Hanging on waiting for something that may not happen could make you miss the right guy out there. You want and deserve more than what you’re getting right now and by saying Next. You’ve made the decision fir yourself instead of waiting for him to make the decision. Take your power back
Ugh, guys can be so frustrating! I think Jane really “hit the nail on the head “(like always!) my concern would be if you are sleeping with him, stop. Tell him you thought you were flowing with the natural relationship process but since your not you need to step back in that part of the relationship.
Also, date other men. Don’t be so available to him. Tell him you agree and that you also think that making sure you find the right fit is important. Dating other men will take your mind off him. The less you think about him the more he will think about you. This reverse psychology works.
Or just tell him you don’t think he is the right fit for you and move in with your life. Because he might actually not be the greatest relationship material.
Jane is 110% right! That's not to say that it's easy to walk away. It hurts when you're heart's desire and your head and gut are at odds! I'm in a similar situation and it's the most difficult thing I've ever done! But when you're with the right one, your head, heart, and mind will all be in since!
Walk away now before you allow him to make you feel like something is wrong with you and your not enough. You deserve to be loved by a man that's going to only want you, and if he is giving you the time, attention and love you want from a man, you will not have to worry or doubt his love. If you can't trust his feelings for you, you need to move on.
I have to agree with Jane here.
It all sounded okay except the part about seeing other women....
My current husband moved super slow at first but he definitely did NOT see other women after we first met in-person
(we met online mid-August, we started to email more and more through September; at that point, we planned to meet in person; we met in person mid-October (he lived in another country at the time which is why we didn’t meet in person before then), after which he closed his online dating account.
We continued to move slow, but there was no other women in the picture. It was all to see how we felt about each other (not others), if our priorities and goals lined up as well, and he also was trying to decide if he would ever want to remarry.
BUT he also knew I wouldn’t wait more than a year for him to decide that PLUS that he had to keep me informed along the way, by letting me know if he sensed the “no” (not just to ever remarry but whether I could possibly be that person) was starting to outweigh the “yes” because he knew I would then want to make a new decision as to whether to continue on any longer and risk my heart.
But I would be interested in hearing if anyone here has had a marriage or happy long-term relationship come out of the guy wanting to continue to play the field a few months in . I think usually they play the field and then fall into a monogamous dating pattern before anything more serious happens.
2.5 months could be early if you two aren’t spending much time together or having sex or doing anything that feels like boyfriend-girl friend or building closeness . —Like if it is just casual dating and you both busy playing the field. But it sounds like you passed that point with him at least with how you feel. But I also would say by 4 months of casual dating or emails/calls only to move on if you BOTH aren’t interested in becoming more serious. Either that or just be friends or pen pals.
I agree with you that this is not her guy. I too was dating someone that after 3 months said he was not ready for a relationship. Shortly after that he revealed that he used to tell his ex wife of 28 yrs and mother of his two grown sons "dont ask me where I'm at, who I'm with or what I am doing". I continued to see him even though he wanted no constraints of a relationship and only saw me when it was when he wanted to. after a year, he disappeared with no explanation. After one of the last visits we had was him stringing me along with he cares and cant get me off his mind. I was left with nothing but false hopes and hurt feelings.
This is a great community.
I have been following Jane for almost 5 years. This is by far the very best, clearest communicated advice she has ever given to any of us who have written into her. I certainly hope that you take her advice. Dang Jane! You are on fire with this one! Thank you and thank you to everyone in this community who constructively comments.
I am, de elle! When I see what we keep doing to ourselves in the name of something we're calling love that NEVER EVER loves us back the same way, I'm on fire for you, girl!
A guy who truly cares for you, would not do anything that would cause you to walk away.
You have only been with him for 2.5 months. Run away, please. Don't be like me. I have known my guy for over 10 years. When I asked him about being in a one on one relationship, he said not now. He just had one of those. The reality is....he has this other women that he is seeing. In my situation this other women gets all the perks. Dinners out, doing fun activities etc. I feel like just a booty call. Unfortunately for me, I feel like I have a "Trauma bond" with this guy. After all this time I can't make myself walk away. I try and try to show my worthless to him....but he don't care. My life is turned upside down by him. Please it had only been 2.5 months count your losses and leave.
Hi Emma,
Please, Please, Please listen to Jane. She is right on the money about this. Read and Re-Read this until it sinks in. And most importantly don't make excuses for him as to why you think something she said does not pertain to him because he is being so nice and communicating. She know what she is talking about here. I was in your situation and let it play out for 9 years, waiting .... before I had enough. I wished I would have had the respect of self and love of self to see what was happening. And when you pull away, he will come forward. It is how it works, but always goes back to the way it was. If he wants you, there is nothing that will stop him from committing to you. One statement that rings 100% true is "if he wants to, he will.... if he doesn't he wont!" This is in every aspect of a relationship.. if he doesn't text or call, it's because he didn't want to... PERIOD. Anything he doesn't do for you... it's because he didn't want to... PERIOD. In all of my searching over the years for guidance in my frustrations of a relationship, Jane is the only life coach/ relationship coach, I have found who gets it and will tell you the hard core truth, even if it hurts. Please listen to what she is saying. If you tell your guy what you want in a very respectful way and he doesn't respond to you... he didn't want to. You are far enough into this relationship to be validated in what you want, but not too far into it that you are resentful of it.
I wish the best for you.... stick with Jane - she will get you through this if you follow her advise.
Love,
Maggie
Maggie.....how did you leave? I am in the same situation (read my post). Did you just say to yourself "I'm done"? How did you handle it emotional? Were you really sad? Cried alot? I am not a strong person, I have bad selfesteem and feel so worthless.
Go to this topic that Jane discussed a few weeks ago. "The-one-type-of-man-you-absolutely-cant-be-with-if-youre-codependent" Look for my posts, there are a few that I wrote with what happened and why I walked away and how. I also list the resources I researched and read that helped me heal. Jane's topics where the eye openers that got me to where I am today. Peace of Mind, love and respect of self and happy!
Hope this helps you and you find peace of mind.
Love,
Maggie
Thank you, Maggie. I feel your pain like it's my own and I'll never forget those dark, desperate days which is why I'll always walk through this with everyone going through this until you're on the other side. I'm so glad you're out and am honored that you found your way here. Much love to you, sweet soul!
I think if she's going to play his game, she should date other people as well!
Ugh I think we've all been here and it's extra hard when the guy has lots of great qualities and seems like a really good, stable guy and you want to trust him. It's just, you're allowed a situation that is great for you also and it doesn't sound like this is. We also know what it looks like when the guy is crazy about someone and this doesn't sound like it either. I don't believe it's possible to be totally appreciative of what someone has to offer and feel excited to have met them (you want someone to feel lucky they met you!) but still be interested in hurting them and also interested in seeing if they click better with other people. It's not a big ask of him to stop actively looking for other women. Also, if that idea is so scary to him (dating is the worst, i would LOVE to stop looking for other men if I find someone I like), he has a lot of work to do on himself and you don't want to spend your time on someone lightyears behind other people in this world, who wouldn't even be a good partner to you. Being in a relationship with someone like that will have negative affects on you, and you'll always be asked to be "understanding" of him when he doesn't want to move in or propose or anything like that.
Listen to Jane! I’ve just got myself out of the same situationship! You’re worth so much more than he’s willing to give and you need to believe that. Much love! X
He sounds like the worst kind of manipulative. Sweet talking, super reassuring, but still bullshitting. It all works wonders for him. You're here being loving and he's out and about with many women trying to decide who's the best? Yuck. Nope. You're anxious because you know this isn't right and he's not that great. This isn't good treatment nor good behavior. Walk away now. Great qualities and the good behavior behind them are to be found in other men, certainly not this one. Good luck.