Holly's writing in today for some advice on what she should do about a guy she can't trust. He keeps trying to tell her it's her insecurities and inability to trust him that are the problem, not anything about his own behavior.
I don't think she's alone in this scenario and I have a feeling you're going to have a lot to say to her, as I did here.
Her story:
Hi Jane,
So my boyfriend and I have dated for over 2 1/2 years in total. It’s been an interesting relationship to say the least. He is a mechanic and used to work for my dad so I knew him since I was like 15 years old. He is 8 years old than I am.
Years later when I was 28 he and I were hanging out and seeing each other and started sleeping together and then I called it off because I thought my family may disapprove.
I ended up getting back together with him just about a year later when I was 29 and made things official.
I ended up moving in with him and we rented a home together with his mom so we could be closer to work. A few months after, he just started acting different towards me and I found out from his ex wife that he had been sleeping with her.
Since we were signed on the lease, I made a plan to leave and ended up buying my own home which he helped me move into but was upset that I had not been honest and told him what I was planning on doing.
I still hung out with some mutual friends and heard he was dating a girl, so a friend recommended that I go on E-harmony and do the same. Of course, the same day I decided to do that and have the guy over is the same day.
About a month after I moved out my ex decided he wanted to be with me and work things out so he ended up coming over while drunk and wants to fight this other guy and says I better come talk to him if I ever want to be with him. Which I did, but the other guy lived 2 hours away so in the morning I told him he had to go and went to talk with my ex and we decided to try for our relationship again.
I just have these major trust issues since he was sleeping with his ex and I found out he was hitting on a ton of different girls that I thought were friends not that he actually slept with them but was attempting to it seemed or at least in insinuating that by hitting on them.
And being a mechanic, a lot of these girls still ask him to work on their cars and it makes me feel uncomfortable but he says it’s just to make money and he is taking money from them so I shouldn’t be upset.
He says everyone knows we are together and he spends most of his time working or with me at home but I still feel like what if I miss something and he is cheating on me or even hitting on other girls?
It’s embarrassing to me that he did that before and I just have a lot of trust issues or insecurities as he likes to call it.
He says I need to let the past go and trust him. He lives with me basically but still has the house we rented together but now just with his mom and him but he stays here and his lease expires in April.
Any advice would be helpful please I don’t know what to do.
-Holly
My Response:
Anytime a guy gives you a reason and tells you HIS reason is why you shouldn't be upset, that's a red flag, Holly.
It's a "should", not a reason. It's something he's putting on you, not a legitimate basis for calming your fears and reassuring you in a way you can trust. He's not acknowledging you at all.
It's not that you "just have these trust issues" because he was sleeping with his ex and hitting on a ton of different girls that you thought were just friends who needed work done on their cars.
That's not just "these trust issues". That's the whole basis for a relationship!
Trust.
And sleeping with an ex and hitting on other girls doesn't ever fall under an "I just have these trust issues" response. That's you taking the blame on you, taking on all the responsibility that isn't yours.
This is a real problem. With him. With his behavior. With him cheating on you. With him hitting on other girls when he's supposed to be with you.
There is no "I just can't trust him" here. There's " I can't trust him and that's the whole problem" and nothing less.
Trust.
If you can't trust your partner not to cheat on you or hit on other women, you have nothing. If you can't trust someone you love not to cheat on you or hit on other women, you have nothing. If you can't trust someone who's supposed to love you to be true to you, you have nothing.
"I just have a lot of trust issues or insecurities as he likes to call it."
He likes to call it? Why does he get to call anything about you, Holly? On what authority does he profess to know that it's your stuff that's the problem?
I'll tell you what authority. There is no authority that says if he can put this on you and make the problem in your relationship about you not trusting him and not being secure enough so you don't need to question him, he can get away with doing whatever he wants without ever having to answer to you - or change his behavior!
This is him creating his own authority, manipulating you, pushing you into believing there's something wrong with you and focusing on how to change yourself while he gets away with doing whatever he pleases.
Of course he says you need to let the past go and trust him. That's exactly what he wants!
But how do you trust him? How do you let the past go? By him just telling you that's what you need to do because it makes it easier for him to sweep it all under the rug as in the past and put the blame on you for why you can't get past it?
Sure, that's what he wants because then he doesn't have to account for his actions. He can get away with it as long as he gets you to agree that this is all about you and not at all about him.
You know what builds trust? Consistent actions over time that show you he's trustworthy.
That means you don't have to doubt whether he's with you and not still sleeping with his ex or hitting on other girls for whatever reason he tries to justify this behavior with.
That means you don't have to be embarrassed that your guy would even consider sleeping with his ex and hitting on other girls when he's supposedly with you.
That means you trust this guy is on the same page as you and not trying to downplay his actions because he knows he can get away with it if he makes this all about you and some insecurities he's pinned on you.
Of course you're insecure. You're with a guy who treats you like this, who cheats on you and hits on other girls and then instead of taking responsibility for his actions, tries to pin it all on you!
What do you do? You do what you can live with, not what anyone tells you to do. No one knows you better than you do. No one knows what this guy is worth to you. No one knows if sweeping all his behavior under the rug and buying into his projection that it's all because of your lack of trust and insecurity is worth it to you if it means you get to pretend you're in a real relationship with him.
But you know.
And that matters.
If you're still not sure, become as strong as you can in yourself by getting to know who you are, what you want, what you don't want, what your long term goals are, what your short term ones are, and what being loved, being in a relationship and being part of a couple in a loving relationship means to you. Then do what that girl you've just discovered in you needs to do. For her, not for anyone else.
And let's be clear. You haven't missed anything. If you have to wonder if he's cheating and you honestly don't know for sure that he's not, he is.
I hope this helps, Holly. I have a feeling the women who read this will have their own advice and thoughts for you!
Love,
Jane
Okay, everyone. You know what to do. Tell Holly in the comments what you think she should do!
Sounds like the lease is up and he needs somewhere to stay.
If he wants you to trust him then his actions need to show you can trust him. Don't let him walk all over you.
Really, your letter to Holly is profound. It is exactly what Holly really needs to hear. I only wish someone said those words to me while I stayed in a 42 year marriage with a cheater who told me the exact same words this oxymoron says to Holly. I always thought my guy was going to change!!! (Truth was I kept wanting to believe he would change after every 'cheat" episode) . TIME FOR HOLLY TO MOVE ON so that she does not end up alone as I did after 42 years. What a mistake I made. There are lots of really"good" men out there. You can trust me on that I am now starting over at 67 years of age and wished I had told him goodbye a long time ago. I was a fool but I learned and will never repeat this mistake ever again. Jane said it all! Take,strength and find a guy you can trust.
Hi Holly,
Your trust issues are real and not to be blamed on you.
After 3 long relationship's I figured out it's not my fault that I have trust issues, it's my fault that I let them make me believe it's my fault.
First relationship: 20 year marriage that he cheated and blamed me for his cheating because the spouse of the person he cheated with on showed too much interest in me?
Second relationship: he was just a player and that was his issue not mine.
Third relationship: this was the one that really opened my eyes. She was a lot younger not better looking, and his reasoning was that if he could get me he could get anyone... but then he added that I also acted bored with the relationship??? Yes I was a little bored because he wasn't paying attention to me but to someone else.
Long story short, sort of, lol, I now understand that I'm the prize not them and I'm in a very loving relationship.
I also made it very clear in the beginning that I will not, do not tolerate cheating and do not give second chances ☺️.
I don't think I've lowered my standards but I do think this man is very different from most men that I have dated.
He's not the "player" that I'm use to, doesn't always give me the attention that I am use to or apparently need, but that is my issue not his. He's a good man and I'm working on my issue of why I need so much attention not a trust issue.
Hopefully this helps ☺️
Boy this story is way too familar!!! I decided to stay in mine about 3 yrs too long. Only to go out of town and find out he picked up a homeless girl and brought her back to my home!! He left before I returned from my trip, and the time I was devastated. I didn't know who I was, just getting out of bed was a chore, I thought I had lost my fairytale....today 3-1/2 yrs later it was the best thing that could have happened to me!! It forced me to look at myself and start my journey of Self Love, Self Respect, and "What really makes me happy"!!! Am I completely there yet-oh no where close but I will not ever make excuses for Red Flags ever again!!! And my new found journey is something you must do for life!!! I wish you luck and hope you come to the right decision.
Remember that he's not going to change. You are not happy, do you see yourself being happy with him in the future, as he is??
I agree with the girls, do not allow him to move in with you in your house. You will add more problems and might also be finantial in the future. Do not allow him to do that.
It took me a lot of heartbreak before I realised that it's better to be alone than with some men. Hope you learn from others experiences.
Say goodbye. NOW. Do NOT let him move into YOUR house when his lease is up. He’s playing you. You not trusting him is not your insecurities talking. HE ISN’T TRUSTWORTHY. Move on. Next!
I would not trust him...my boyfriend does the same thing.expects me to just trust...you should have never taken him back.cheaters will do and say anything to get you back...making you just get over it is not ok,he messed up..he should never make you feel your the crazy one....
As the others have said it's about trust. If you have doubts and can't trust what he says or does, how can you build a relationship. It's possible to forgive someone for cheating one time, but I didn't hear you mention that he took any blame here or apologised, instead it's you that needs to let go??? Red flags all over- take this as a sign that you need to get out. Sorry Holly- wishing you well
I say go with your gut and intuition. Tell him it’s he who needs to step up and show he not going to make this mistake again. I’m in similar situation but little different. my ex boyfriend i were on and off again. Basically over our teens who make mistakes and i let it go by having his showing me we all get along but he has not done same for my daughter and never allows her to be part of us so time to time my daughter sends messages to him not all true and he believes them. while we were split last time an old friend reached out to me for lunch though nothing ever happened just chatted by checking up on one another as friends. He knew how heartbroken i was. But in past my ex always try accuse me of something other guys hitting on me though i never give in . Maybe long time ago but i was not w my ex way before then. i really liked him showed i wanted be w him and waited on him. i fin ally left cause again he believers a message my daughter sent out of resentment which kept trying tell him way to resolve all this every time we try make it work. He got mean and nasty w me telling me time will tell if i’m telling g truth or not. i wasn’t going to live w that. i never did anything wrong so i had this feeling it’s him who wanted find excuses to end relationship. mine more complicated cause children involved . i just can’t see to build life w someone who not going to accept my kids in picture as his insecurities worrying if i’m going to cheat and never have w him. i say go w your feelings in time you’ll know how much you can put up w it. it will take time but there are plenty others out there that will treat you better. o know how hard it is to imagine but it will be ok. i’ve been in marriage 15 years w controlling person w no physical connection but my ex boyfriend we had a lot in common and love and devoted to our children and connected so well . just sorry he so ignorant to see how loyal i was to him how much i loved him but i see he too is controlling.
Jane, you took the words right out of my mouth. I have been in these impossible relationships too many that I care to count plus I married a man child that did the same thing to me as Holly's boyfriend did to her. My husband at the time was never taught responsibility by his parents. He was never taught the consequences of his choices or actions so therefore, when he grew up he had no idea how to handle his insecurities or even owned up to his behaviors. People with low self-esteem or those that just don't give a damn feel better about themselves if they put blame on the other person. That way they feel 'left off the hook.' My husband at the time was a POS. He had no education, no ambition, no real job skills, but had potential, at least in my eyes. He had Nothing when I met him so how dare him cheat on me and treat me like I was nothing! Here I was a college educated lady with a good job working in the medical field, very attractive, sweet, loving, trusting to a fault and would do anything to help my man out. He too was good at fixing cars even though he wasn't a mechanic. He always would be there for everybody but me. I later found out he had cheated on me while we were engaged and probably more times while we were married. He too would put 'my insecurities' on me telling me it was my fault he had to act this way and that way. He blamed my depression on myself. "If only Diane would take some kind of pill, everything would be okay." He seriously thought that if I took a depression pill everything would be fine. OKay, maybe I would feel better about myself but what about his behavior?? What is he going to do about his?? What is he going to do about his cheating, not providing for his family, not being emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially there for his wife? Nothing!, except put all the blame on me. After twelve miserable years, I finally divorced him. Holly, it's time to move on. This man has too many problems he needs to deal with first. It's not your responsibility to fix him. You did nothing wrong. He has commitment and self-esteem issues. Any man that puts his behaviors that are not honorable onto a woman is not a man. He's probably not going to change and maybe doesn't want to. He's already shown you what kind of man he is. Don't settle like I did, it's not worth it. Don't think if you just become more understanding, more patient, more sexy, etc. that he will change. He won't. You've got two very wise women here giving you hard, tough love advice. Please take it.
Oh Holly,
The ink isn't even dry on my divorce papers as I read this and please, please hear the words when she says it isn't in YOUR head! If you don't trust him, there's a reason. Mine cheated on me while I was pregnant 18 years ago, then again and again thereafter. Same kind of scenario as you in that 'it's your fault you can't trust me" or whatever those words were. Don't waste your life hoping you can one day trust him, because if you don't right now, you likely won't have reason to in the future. He isn't going to change. At least my ex sure didn't.
Holly,
Wow, girl I am so sorry to hear your story about your jerk face boyfriend. You need to make him an ex boyfriend as soon as possible. No girl deserves to be manipulated like that especially if you're not the one doing any of the wrong in the relationship. Please do yourself that favor and good things will come to you cause you are never alone. You have us, family, friends and the almighty Lord by your side always and we will not let you fall. You are worth more than you think and you may be vulnerable right now cause love truly does hurt more than anything if it goes badly but stay strong and be you. Do the things that us girls live to Do. Go shopping get your nails done watch movies. Keep yourself busy so you don't have to have this dude on your mind constantly. And who knows maybe you'll find another awesome guy who notices you during that time. Cause when you are happy it shows and that's such a good quality to have, always. I wish you luck and know that you can do it.
I agree with Jane. He is not willing to really make it better and reassure you and earn your trust again; he wants to take the easy way out and blame the way you feel on insecurities rather than see your feelings are based on past experiences. That’s definitely a problem.
Yes, at some point you have to move on and get passed it. If this conversation is taking up most of the relationship then I am sure it is getting old. No one wants to be reminded of their mistakes forever, but that doesn’t mean you get off Scott free!
I would let him know that you want to be with him but you honestly don’t know if you will continue the relationship because you don’t trust him based on the past. You want to but that trust has to be re-earned and he just isn’t doing a great job at that. I would leave my options open and take it slow. See if he has it in him to win you back. Just because he says you are all he wants etc, he needs to show you. And if he can’t, he can’t? Be willing to walk away.
There was a time I didn’t understand how anyone could get passed and stay with somebody that cheated. I do see how people can actually work though it now. But I think those people are the exception. I think of people who have been married 20 years and the marriage just isn’t fulfilling and they forgot to love each other and got too busy with life and one of them needed to feel loved and somebody came along that made them feel better about themselves than they had in a long time and things happened. But that couple looks into the relationship together and works on it. They recommit themselves to it and do things differently to not let either of them feel taken for granted and unloved again.
Completely different scenario. Not any less hurtful, just different. I could see wanting to work through it.
Your situation? To me, he blew it. But if he is insistent he made a mistake and can’t believe what an idiot he is and wants to double up his effort to win your heart back- great! People make mistakes. But to expect to just waltz back in your life like nothing happened and not expect for you to make him work for it? I think you taking him back like that makes him think of you as lower value. I am sorry. It’s not your fault. The truth is it’s the other way around!
I love this comment! It is true if a couple really loves and wants to work out a problem even cheating issues, it can be done. But, the offender has to make consistent actions over time to prove he or she means what they say and do to earn back that trust. Trust is earned. Without trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. Yes everybody makes mistakes but this guy didn't make a mistake. He made a choice to cheat. A mistake is an error that one didn't know was wrong. This dude knew he was cheating and didn't care if it was wrong or right because he knew he could blow the blame off onto his girlfriend and she would accept it. Men (and women) have radar eyes. This means that these individuals can spot a vulnerable, insecure person they know they can manipulate and control. They pick people whom have low self esteem issues, the ones that are sweet, trusting and forgiving. They may love these qualities in you but for different and wrong reasons. It's okay and (healthy) to stand up for yourself, and make your wishes known. Let the other person know your bottom line and stick to it. If someone cant or won't accept your bottom line, show them the door. I always say once a cheater, always a cheater. Sure people can change, but it has to be their decision . Some people love to cheat and think nothing of it. For the majority of us it's a deal breaker. If your BF really wants you back he'll have to prove it to you and with consistent actions over time without cheating etc. maybe he'll change.
I wouldn’t trust him. And boy has he got it all backwards which is another huge reason not to trust him yet. He should be wanting to prove he is trustworthy, wanting to make you feel better about everything, and understanding that it could take another year of him being consistent and transparent given that he took a year to do the exact opposite. ALSO, he shows up drunk at your place and wants to fight a stranger and demands you speak to him while he is in that condition if you want to be with him? Dump him. It not going to get better and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Find someone new and further away, not someone linked to your childhood and your father. It might seem hard to do but you are so worth the effort!! You sound great. He sounds like he isn’t going to change.
I am in the same boat but different scenery. I do not know what to do or if i am right of my decision. Its very hard to stand strong. He made me feel small.
Someone who makes you feel small isn’t friend material let alone boyfriend material. You are NOT small.
Stand tall! You can be strong because you are worth it...
Holly,
I was in a relationship just like this and I found out he has several women he sees regularly. Everyone covers for him. He has several long distance relationships as well. He goes to "his sister's house" often. He would get a phone call coming in when we were talking. It was always "his sister" so I wouldn't expect anything from this boy. He plays all his women then blames them when he gets caught.
Jenny, I’m in that situation now. Mine says he has been hacked and it wasn’t him. I recently found out he had a profile on a dating site, but guess what, he didn’t do it, yet the picture on his profile was taken in our home, he accused me of making up the profile! I’m over the constant lying, cheating and being blamed, I’m making plans for a new life.
I am excited for you Gabby! It is amazing how much better one feels once realize do not have to “get the truth” out or explain why this or that is lying or try to get them to understand why what they are doing is hurtful or wrong etc.
It helped me to realize that my knowing the truth was enough ,
plus realizing my family and friends would agree as would 90% of all people.
I didn’t need that one person, the actual liar, to acknowledge it or try to reason anymore with them to change.
I also didn’t like what it was doing to me. Once I really let go, in that moment, it literally felt like a weight off my shoulders. I didn’t look back!
He later married someone ... and been lying to her about all sorts of stupid and big things ever since (and cheating on her). I am so glad I dodged that bullet!!