He can’t tell you what he doesn’t know.
His words haunt us.
"I don’t know."
"I’m not sure why."
"I wish I could."
"I don’t mean to hurt you."
We’ve heard them all before.
The reality - the stark, harsh, cold reality - is that he can’t give you more of an answer to the questions you’re asking him because he really doesn’t know.
Yes, you and I would know.
We would know that if we love someone, if we care enough about them, we would naturally and understandably do everything we could to keep them, to make a relationship work.
And we all understand that.
So, that brings us to the next obvious question. Is it an excuse? Does he not love us? Does he not care enough? Is that as simple as this is?
No, it’s not that simple.
Because if that’s all it was, it would be easy for him to answer you.
But when all he says is he doesn’t know, that means it’s time for you to know.
You’re what’s missing here.
You need to figure out who you are.
You need to determine what you want.
What you’re willing to put up with.
What you can live with.
How much a label means to you.
And how much the label is more about programming than anything else.
He doesn’t know because there’s so much he doesn’t know.
Years of programming and conditioning have left him with an ideal image – a fantasy, really - of what everything needs to look like, be like, feel like, if it really is the real thing.
Perfectionism and perfectionist thinking leads him to believe it has to be all - or nothing.
The bigger question is do you even want someone like this? Can you live with someone like this? Can you actually even love someone like this? Because once you’ve got him, you get all of him. This part, too. The confused part, the unsure part, the back and forth, one day in one day out him.
Is he still looking so attractive to you?
THIS is what I want you to think about.
Not "why doesn’t he want me," or "what can I do to get him to be more sure of me," but "do I even want him this way?"
This isn’t about convincing someone of your worth so you can prove something. This is about what your life would actually be like living with someone as on again off again as this.
This is the problem.
We focus on the short term when it’s actually the long term that matters, and it’s the long-term that’s everything. Don’t get so caught up in a popularity contest that’s only a continuation of your still unresolved issues from a prior time and space that you end up missing out on what you actually want – a real relationship with someone you can count on to love you consistently now … and forever.
Love,
Jane
Are you missing the forest from the trees? As in, are you seeing the bigger picture here? If you’ve been here, I’d love to hear about it. If you’re going through it now, I’ll walk through this with you. Share your story or tell me how I can help you through it in the comments below.
I have this guy who is my best friend, he truely is. it grew into FWB when his girlfriend broke up with him 18 months ago. We agreed we will be best friends. No realionship as neither of us was looking for it. He had always been very truthful with me to a fault. sometimes telling me to much. We both said we were not looking for forever. And we were okay with that. Well in January things began to change. things like the way he would look at me with such a softnedd and love. We talked more we hung out more. Things were moving forward. In May I wrote him a letter and sent it. Got an immediate response , he said he loved my letter knew how hard it was for me to write . truely appreciated it. read it many times we discussed everything. We actually had a great discussion. We agreed to be best friend as he needed to learn to love himself first(I understand that) and he needed to be him. two weeks later he called me and said I need to tell you something. I am an ass can you call me that. I said no you never have been. That is when he said "I really do Love you". Wow. He then went cold cause. He is scared and I know that. Then the other day he said we needed to talk. I said ok. I waited a few days for the talk. Never happened. Do not know if this is a good talk or a walk away talk. But now he is texting me again. So confused.
Yes I’m involved with somthing like that know in again off again when him and his girlfriend get into and she put him out he’s with me he started a relationship with her when me and him were already dating can you tell me the steps I need to take I really need to leave him alone but I have a lot of ti
E invested in him he is really good to me when we are together but I feel like He just keeps me in the loop when it’s convenient for him
There are some things worth so much more than time invested, Shantain. Like your dignity. Sweet soul, this is so clear! Your birthright isn't to be a mere convenience to someone no matter who he is. Find out why you don't believe you're worth more than this and then use your answer to give yourself the strength to see yourself out of there!
September 2019 I met him a widower of a year n half. He was fun, good looking and stable. He had a very good job grown kids and 5 grandchildren. Two weeks after we met he gave me a key to his house “please take these” he says “ I want you to feel at home here” so I did! Now he has lost his wife almost two years ago but her closet was the same as she left it pictures were everywhere wedding pictures honeymoon pictures . It was a little tough. But I was falling in love with him so I tried to live with it. I was at his house a lot. He always said “I want you here, please stay with me!” holidays came and he introduced me to his kids and grand kids I loved them all!!! He met my girls we were all a big happy family! Then he asked me to go on a cruise with him and his family. About a month before we left , he left his phone out and there were texts he had not read yet from a girl named Traci. I opened his phone and read through their conversation. A lot of flirting and back n forth banter. I was hurt. I confronted him and he denied anything happening between them. He said that she was a very good friend who helped him when his wife passed. Then I called her and asked her the same thing. She denied anything. We never really discussed it he just told me he will not give up his women friends for me. Fine. The next month we went on our cruise. Lots of fun. He pulled away from me a bit but then he apologized and all was good. When we returned home I was very sick. I told him I will just go home and he said no way I want to take care of you. You shouldn’t be alone while your sick. I was sick for a week. That following weekend we went out to have drinks and we saw his friend Traci. It was obvious she was avoiding him. I asked him about her and he said oh we both decided not to talk to eachother while we are both in relationships . Strange. We had an argument about that and him texting her etc. also about his late wife I said would your wife had been ok with the way you and Traci “banter” back n forth? He just was so angry he said “never bring my wife’s name up again!” The next night we had plans When I came to his house he said he didn’t know about us anymore. I said do you want me to leave? He said I don’t know! So I left. He didn’t talk to me for almost 4 days! Then he texted me saying he needs space. But when we get back together we need to really slow down! (What?) then another few days passed wouldn’t answer my textes or my calls. Then he was telling all of our mutual friends we broke up!!! I didn’t even know! I texted him a lot finally he answered me saying he was sorry and he just isn’t over his late wife and he couldn’t give me what I needed. That he doesn’t feel for me like I feel for him! I said Ia few things just out of hurt and bewilderment, I told him he will never get over her but he won’t move forward either because he drinks quite a bit and you can’t fix what you can’t feel. He didn’t like that and he blocked me! A week later when I had to go pick up my things at his house he wouldn’t even look at me!! I asked him why?? He said it just wasn’t evolving fast enough for him. I said but you said you loved me and he said I was caught up in the moment!
About a month later I get a message from Traci saying “Jeff and I are together, just wanted you to know. “ ugh!
I have had a very rough time getting over him . I am very sad and always wonder what their doing? What does she have that I don’t? Why did he lie to me all the time? He had even asked me to move in right before we left on the cruise! My whole world blew up. Now his kids don’t talk to me and I will never see the grandkids anymore!
When will I feel ok again??
I'm so sorry, Wendy. He was obviously confused about a lot of things and didn't know how to be honest and upfront with you about any of it. You'll feel better when you can stop seeing it all so personally, when you can put it back on him instead of taking everything on yourself. And yes, feel everything. You have every right to grieve these multiple losses of not just him but his family in whatever way you need to. Don't deny yourself anything! One day at a time. It gets better.
Wow, this really spoke to me. I had a 3 year on-off relationship. ‘I don’t know’ made no sense to me, either you want the relationship or you don’t. It feels like a very unfair situation, to have it all on my shoulders, to try and figure out what he wanted, to be the one to end it when I actually wanted to make ‘us’ work. And yes after a while it feels like you’re convincing someone of your worth. Your blog helped me see he genuinely didn’t know. I’m in my 40s and have never had the I don’t know before. It’s helpful hearing others experience of this too. I’ll never accept I don’t know again. I’ll believe that he genuinely doesn’t know and me sticking around isn’t going to change that
It's not, Amber. And I'm so glad being here is helping you to see that! He genuinely didn't know and won't know anytime soon. That's the reality we never want to accept. Keep going. There's light somewhere at the end of the tunnel when you come to realize the value of someone who DOES know!
Thanks Jane 💜 Yes, it’s a very hard reality to accept but I’m getting there. I appreciate your encouraging response
I'm in this, still. I didn't sign up for it knowingly and it took me some time to realize what was happening. We got together in 2000, married late 2002 and I'm preparing to divorce for the 4th and final time. But for the fact that I'm chronically ill and on disability, I would not be here. It was less than a year after we wed that things started to slip; his mask started to fall. I tried talking but he is who he is and will do what he wants. He's abusive, not physically, just in every other insidious way possible. Intentionally plays mind games, manipulates, lies, deceives ... whatever it takes to meet his own ends. At whatever cost. He's been at least 3 different people since I've known him, personality wise. His character is still the same of course. But who he pretends to be depends on the company we're around. He kept me isolated for most of our relationship so he could be himself - the one personality I truly despise. But what has been made most clear to me is that he does not want a relationship and most definitely doesn't want to be married. He prefers his freedom. No responsibility and he takes no responsibility for ANYTHING. EVER. I don't know if he fully understands being committed. He's too self absorbed. He knows full well when and how to do the right things when he needs to or when he wants something or when he's desperately trying to smooth things over, but can't or won't maintain it. It's all about him. Funny thing is, every time I try to leave, he won't let go. The walking excuse of a man can't tell me why. I'm numb to most of it but now I'm just bored. And I believe I've found a way out. If that's so, then I will finally get my life back and whatever reason he has for hanging on to me, I hope he drowns with it.
Wow, Amber, you sound like you have come so far and have a lot of good insights! And your comment that you are bored illuminates how much you been able to detach and see it him. So many of us women can’t reach that point. It hard still, I am sure. I am praying for you as you get your life back; and you have this community here as well! I am excited for you to feel your full vibrant self more and more!
He doesn't know why, Amber. Keep walking. Finding your own way out is a beautiful thing!
This is exactly was is currently going on with me. Every single detail. However the reason is his underlying trauma from childhood and military. The key for me is he is involved in therapy he is growing and improving in his recovery but the 6 years together cannot fix the 30 odd years ago of issues that devastated a child and a young man while serving our country plus the combat he was involved. There are so many outlying reasons that make at least my situation an ongoing journey in myself. I myself have grown in becoming less angry and bitter from my previous marriage and more insightful and compassionate. Something I never was before. Learning and knowing I am enough and none of this is my fault or that I'm lacking. It means there's complexity in relationships ever single one without any history of drugs trauma or abuse. When these factors are in the rationship from the past I feel the key is to work with faith hope communication patience and understanding. I do not have a label. I think at 58 calling him my boyfriend is childish sounding. He is my man he knows it and I do not want another person to know my secrets and vice versa. Working in relationship is not for the weak or selfish its sharing and taking of yourself and supporting each other even when you do not know but it is stable and possibly moving forward. Stagnant is where the work begins in order to grow otherwise the relationship is stagnant but I feel a good foundation of trust respect and communication will tell you yourself what you know when may not.
Sounds like you've become a very wise woman, K. I have a feeling that's worth more than the boyfriend.
This email was written for me!! I've known a man for 2yrs.. dated broke up. Hes 10yrs older and I can't help but feel like he has a need to "play the field" because its something he's never done (mid-life crisis?). I let him go because it wasn't my job to convince him of my worth even though he tells me I'm his perfect partner and he'll never find anyone else like me. We still talk and care deeply for each other but we're also 4hrs away and he keeps saying the distance is an issue. His love language is physical touch so I know that makes it harder but I was willing to sacrifice and put in the effort to make it work, he doesn't think hes worth it. He says "theres other guys better than me out there". I struggled and asked "Why don't you want me?" Tears stream from his eyes and he tries to hide it but I see. He says he does want me but its too hard being apart. I told him it was a cop out, and if he wanted me.. its simple, he'd have me. But he says he doesn't want a girlfriend. I told him I needed someone sure about me and he wanted to visit (after not seeing each other for 4mo) to see how it felt and I agreed. But when he was here, although we had a blast he just doesn't know what he wants. Its all or nothing, labeled or not, black and white, even though I told him WE make the rules. I can't let him go, he's my person. He can't let me go either.. so what now?
It sounds like deep down inside you know...
Someone can't be your person if they aren't showing up for you in the way you need. It doesn't really matter the reason, or how much he wants to be there for you, or his own issues he's struggling with. You're worth much more than that.
No, not your job at all, Kristen, and you couldn't anyway. This is so clearly working for him. The "what now" piece is what part of this works for you - and why?
Thanks for the email, this resonated soo deeply with me this morning. I currently have been in a battle with this guy I met on eharm since 2016. We met each other TWICE ( I went to his state both times, for his schedule didn't allow it, my schedule self employed is flexible
) and have had this long distance connection on and off ever since. He says he has an internal battle going on inside of himself about me. We've both had other partners, neither ever married yet, but yet he or I still tend to reach out even after a year of NO communication. HE starts texting me again. Even last night we texted for a bit. But he seems to ONLY respond when he wants, I have to trust him when he says I'm on his mind, right? I felt something from a long time ago when we first met and then a second time. He said he did too! But why can't we make it go any further? I wish I HAD THE EXACT PHRASE TO HAVE HIM WANT TO PURSUE me. He feels LONG distance is the problem, even though I stated numerous times it doesn't have to be. I think he is stringing me along. Is it that I have this all planned in my head what could be, but reality is, he wouldn't be there for me? If this is HOW he is already NOT really giving us a chance, then perhaps it'll be like this revolving door for years. Help please, how do I get over him or have him admit once and for all he either wants this or doesn't and then NEEDS to leave me alone? ANY SPECIFIC words? What are your suggestions? Thanks
I think his actions are the words admitting he doesn’t want anything more or different. Instead of resting your desicion on him finally being clear, how about make your decision on all the facts you have before you. You said it above even, he wouldn’t be there for you. He been showing he isn’t there for you. You also said it above, long distance isn’t the issue. And it truly isn’t. I been long distance a few hours apart and I been long distance an Atlantic Ocean apart. The guy in the first relationship blamed the distance, the guy in the second relationship made it work (he visited me initially despite demanding schedule and high costs) and we are now married. I think now the “long distance” the first guy spoke up and that your guy above speaks up is THEIR emotional long distance and THEIR inability to close the gap. Something no one else can do for them even by doing all the work and travel and sacrificing. In the end, they are still not there.
It sad ... for them. For us, it means we can be free and let ourselves mourn, treat ourselves gently, and then watch our selves bloom again and feel excited about that guy who IS out there who Will journey to us. We have to be free and available to meet that guy.
Thanks Ec, I appreciate your response and CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage. I think this guy may or may not be holding me back. I just don't want to always wonder what if? Then again like you said IF someone cares enough then THEY WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!
Thanks that is encouraging!
I hope I can have the strength to say goodbye for good again(did it one year ago) and know I'm making the right choice?
any thoughts are always appreciated!
Mel
The fact that you said goodbye a year ago, somehow got back together or haven’t closed the door, and now it is a year later but the same issues persist.... Seems like you now have even more information as to why you said goodbye before and why you are considering doing so again now.
Perhaps it might also help to ask yourself how many more months or years do you want to invest in this? About how long will it take before you feel reassured that you won’t have any “what if’s” later? If an amount of time comes to mind, then it is okay to select it, put it on your calendar, and wait until then. If no time period comes to mind or the question raises lots of doubts or anguish, you might want to look into why.
The phrase “the one who got away,” makes me think that the opposite situation (as in they didn’t get away) means we held on, not them. They won’t “get away” if they want to stay.
What helped me let go and move on is to realize that my dreams and “that guy” STILL exist, still are REAL, AND still can and WILL come true! I had just gotten temporarily side-tracked, by attaching all of this to the wrong guy. I realized if I separated my dreams and hopes from the wrong guy then I was freeing them to come true. As I was able to let go more and more, I became excited about being free to choose the next guy and I started thinking a lot about what kind of guy I wanted to choose.
Btw, another thing I realized was I had trouble day-dreaming about (and waiting patiently on) guys I hadn’t met yet. And so I’d tend to look back and wonder if someone I already knew could be it, and then sometimes I’d even revisit them. It didn’t mean they were it, for me it was just bc easier to think about known crushes then the unknown.
There will always be some problem for him, Mel. And if someone ever requires an exact phrase to keep him interested or bring him back to you, I can assure you he's never going to be worth the effort it will take to keep him interested. You're so much more than a compilation of perfect words!
Thanks Jane, I appreciate your response. I know you are right! I just keep feeling like "he'll be the one" that got away. I hate that feeling, but apparently the ONLY thing to do is to LET him go. Are you saying keeping in communication with him no matter what is keeping me from finding the right man? I didn't think it'd hurt and perhaps IF he ever chose to change his mind....we'd still be talking? OR is that a problem because that door is NEVER really closed? I'd love your opinion. THANKS I keep working with your program 🙂
Precisely "because that door is NEVER really closed", Mel. You've got it! You're the gatekeeper - be one! So glad you've found my program - it's all in there - and no, we don't know because we're told the opposite - not your fault! 🙂
I spent 22 years in a marriage trying to get my partner to treat me the way I wanted to be treated. Doing all the right things. If now moving forward I have to run myself ragged trying to get someone to love me, if it can’t come from the heart than I have to let go. I have spent my life trying to do the right things to get love. Always thinking about the other. I want a partner who puts me first. My marriage has been torture and I am finally getting out. I never had the strength, now I do and I will never settle for something so painful again I want to give of myself., it has to be a mutual thing. I have so much to give; only to one who is willing to give also. It can’t be one way. It doesn’t work. I have suffered decades
You're absolutely right, LAH. And that's the only way we finally learn it can never be this way again!
Ah this one hit close to home. Went through the roller coaster of the "I don't know why I'm not ready to propose but i'll decide in two months... in two months... by new year's" for about eight months. I know women wait it out longer but it was making me feel awful walking on eggshells, feeling like I was auditioning for the role of wife. At one point I left and he even made a list of things that I could do to change to possibly convince him to marry me (one of which was love his sports team, gag). It does feel like you're struggling to prove your worth to someone. Terrible feeling. I eventually moved out and left. I suspected it was a perfectionist issue, he had "doubts" and couldn't see that it was him, kept thinking him having doubts was due to "my flaws." Thanks for hitting the nail on the head, Jane. For the next year he continued to try to reach out every now and then but still "wasn't sure." I knew at the time that it wasn't just this, that there were other things he would do that would make me feel terrible (I would even say things like "why do i feel worse about myself around you than other people or even alone") but I couldn't see it.
The reason I left at the time was because I couldn't put up with the "I don't know" but now I see that I left because of ALL of the issues. The "I don't know" was only a part of it. Hopefully this helps those of you out there. I'm still processing all of the things I put up with and how it was an endless cycle of him invalidating me and then me looking to him to prove my worth. I am SO much better off without someone like that and much much happier now.
Exactly, D. You KNEW! ❤
Hi
I have been seeing a guy for 3 months he keeps saying he’s not sure he’s ready for a relationship I haven’t pushed the issue at all I’ve been following your guides and steps in this and they just aren’t working.. I found him on a dating site so I simply stated that this is not my thing and I can’t do this situation anymore.. we connect excellent communication is on point but I’m not sure if I’m ready to move on even though I’ve set boundaries.. any advice would be amazing
Nothing works when someone isn't ready, Cat. If you've found that out now before you're head over heels, that was the point. Giving someone space is how you find out. If he doesn't come closer, he's not your guy and you've just saved yourself a ton of heartbreak not having to go through the painful process of finding out the attached hard way. Its not what we do in that space; its what HE does when WE give it to him!
This was my marriage, it was a constant roller coaster ride, and about every two years he would leave. Within 6 months he would be back. Finally I called his bluff and divorced him, even though I wanted to fix it. Then he was back again, wanted to get re married, then boom, met someone and changed his mind. Then they didn’t work, and now he missed me. I want out of this insanity. I want him to be healthy, I know he loves me but something is keeping him running. We even live 10 hours apart.
My boyfriend's common law wife passed away, he's been with me nine month's, and he's alway's bringing up about how she baked this way or cooked this way, but I'm not her I tell's my boyfriend, what can I do about this matter, I don't think he is over her yet. He's alway's picking at every little thing I does or say's. He has a temper but he alway's blames me that's why he's like it. He flirt's with lot's of women, plus he is aloud to carry on with other women, but I can't even carry on with any men or he would ask what was he saying. For an example we were up shopping at sobey's, and I placed the flower back over on the stand because my boyfriend asked me too, and there was a guy from another country, and I spoke too him, and we met him again toward's the back of the store, he said hi to me. My boyfriend said I see your talking too a black man, and when we got to his place, he asked me what was he saying. What should I do. Could you please help me. Thank you. 😊❤
I would start trying to spend more time on your own. If it helps, perhaps you can sign up for a class (online even) or exercise class/challenge or start walking with a friend or decide to work on an art project at home. Anything so you spend more time away from him and his home.
For many, 9 months is very soon to get over a death. There so much to deal with over time, something the surviving loved one has to do on their own. We can’t do it for them or make it go away or hasten their journey.
Maybe it his grief , anger from grief, and fears that cause him to act this way. But he needs to deal with that on his own and get pass it then or it will become a lifelong pattern of behavior by him to you.
Or maybe this is his personality.
You deserve more and better! You can get through this and when you do, there be someone wonderful waiting. Don’t settle for someone who has so many objections this early in a relationship.
He is a grown man and can learn to deal with this and not treat others like this. So many in similar circumstances have and so many in worse circumstances have. There no excuse for him.
He's not over her yet, Dale, and that's not on you. But there's some power and control issues playing out here, too, so the question is whether this is something you really want tyo continue to pursue. Is there room in this relationship for you?