Our letter this week comes from Ingrid, who really hit it off with her physiotherapist and thought he was interested, but now it seems like he was just sending her mixed messages, and she's wondering why he never contacted her.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
I am following your newsletter and offers already for a while and wanted to throw in a question this time, I really feel confused about:
I met a nice guy in a clinic, he was one of the physiotherapists in a responsible position. I had some treatments with him, massages, group sports, baths...
He began flirting with me, I flirted back.
For six weeks we met up very often, there was a lot of chemistry, glances, smiles, compliments and fun. Although it was really difficult to get in touch on a private level (almost never time together alone) he finally even initiated some talks with me - although the staff-members at that clinics were not allowed to get in touch with the patients.
So, I felt somehow courted and had the impression he was definitely interested. I figured out he wasn't in a relationship but might have suffered an ugly break-up a while ago.
Okay, I understood he wasn't in the position to make the first step, so I wrote him a nice short letter a few weeks after I had left the clinics.
I wrote him a bit hilarious, a bit flirty, how much I enjoyed his treatments and how they've helped me. I let him know I 'd like to hear from him again and gave him my contact info (by the way: The clinics is 600 miles away from my hometown.)
It’s six weeks now and I haven’t heard anything! I am actually giving up on this guy and taking care of myself…
So, what do you think of this encounter?
Why doesn’t he get in touch? Was my letter simply a too long shot? Was this nothing else for him than a nice little bit of flirting, knowing he was “safe”, because no private contact was possible? (then I'd really feel abused....)
Is he simply not interested enough – for whatever reason?
Thank you so much for hopefully discussing this in your blog.
Kind Regards!
-Ingrid
My Response:
Lovely to meet you, Ingrid. I'm so glad you reached out so I can help clarify some things for you that are rarely ever clear when we're the ones they're happening to.
First of all, flirting can be so exhilarating. Especially when it's somewhat "forbidden", as in when it's with your attractive physiotherapist doing something that falls into a gray area when he's doing something like physiotherapy work on you.
He obviously felt something, too, but whether or not it's because he's gone into this profession that he enjoys this kind of work that sometimes has the perk of involving attractive women like you, or whether he's so used to doing a little flirting when it's being reciprocated but it happens often enough that it means absolutely nothing to him, the outcome remains the same.
That matters. Especially when you sent him that letter - with your contact information - that removed any doubt that there was an interest on your part. If he was on the same page as you were and looking for anything more with you, you would have heard at least something from him.
That's the first part. It offers you a reality check.
Regardless of how he acted, regardless of what it seemed to indicate, regardless of how you interpreted it. You had a professional relationship with this guy - I hesitate to even call it a "relationship" because we can so easily go back there and make more of it than it even was at the time - but that's all it was.
Yes, he was flirty, yes he was friendly (and maybe friendlier and flirtier with you than most), but where you saw an indicator of there being something more with him (and you're not alone here; we always see more because if we were behaving like this, it would mean more!) the reality is, he didn't want more.
And that's what so hard about this, Ingrid, because it's so confusing to us when nothing further becomes of it when the opportunity finally allows for there to be more.
Here's what I think, Ingrid, based on my experience both personal and professional with men in positions like his who behave like this.
It wasn't about the letter - it didn't matter what you wrote or didn't write. It's not that it was or wasn't a long shot, it's just he already had all the information he needed from you to reach out and contact you if he really wanted to.
I've seen this enough to believe that as hard as it may be to accept this because, yes, you were there and it sure seemed like more from where you stood as the recipient of his flirting, that this was nothing else for him than a nice little bit of flirting, knowing he was “safe”, because no private contact was easily possible.
And yes, you have every right to really feel the way you feel.
I've met enough doctors and dentists and physiotherapists and medical service workers of other kinds to see this type of flirty, non-descript behavior that we take to mean what it would mean if it were us, and make that assumption apply to them. But the reality is in what happens when you actually can explore this outside of the professional relationship.
When it can become something and it doesn't - and you don't even hear from him - that tells you everything you need to know.
This is what he does. This is his personality. This is what serves him. And whether he's oblivious to the reaction of other women (because I'm sure it's not just you he's done this with), and whether he takes any responsibility for that or justifies it as being "just the way he is"and you were responsive to it so that's all that matters, it's all the same to you.
He's not going to be the guy for you.
My advice, Ingrid, is to put this behind you. If you feel he crossed a line, and you feel you've been abused and need to file a complaint, that's something you're going to have to decide for yourself.
If you can keep doing what you've been doing in these 6 weeks - giving up on this guy and focusing on yourself - that would be best advice I could give you.
Yes, these men flirt. Yes, these men choose professions that allow them ample opportunity to easily flirt. And yes, it's confusing and can feel exploitive for many of us who take them - and their words and actions - at face value.
Now you know.
And please, one last thing, don't take any of this personally.
Because it's not you. It really isn't. It's a guy who you'd never want to be dating because this is exactly how he'd be behaving with other women while he was at work far away from you! Don't forget that part. How someone behaves with you in a professional setting, is how they'll behave again with someone else. If it felt "safe" for him with you, it's going to feel "safe" for him with someone else in similar circumstances. And you're worth more than ever having to deal with that!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you, Gorgeous? What do you think of Ingrid's experience? Have you ever had a similiar encounter with someone you thought was interested but then didn't contact you? Tell her about it in the comments below.
If you truly look at these and I hope you do, I'm going to pour my heart out here. I've never had trouble attracting men. But I met the love of my life when i was 32, we were very happily married for 27 years and then he suddenly died. That was 4 years ago. I'm finally ready to get out there again. I'm getting attention, but the ones I want dont want me and the ones i dont want, wont leave me alone. The ones I want act like they want me, they blow up my phone, invite me out, introduce me to friends, but as soon as I sleep with them, BOOM, they disappear! I guess I'm still too vulnerable but I dont want to be alone the rest of my life. I'm 61.
Just wait longer to get attached or even make a decision on whether someone's worthy of you, Cindy. That's the most important part. It's all information until at least the 3/4 month mark and then you can bring in some of the emotional depending on what information he's given you, but stay in the logical/practical until then. And I'm so sorry about you husband. My heart goes out to you. It gets easier when you wait to make sure he is who he says he is and that's not on you!
Thank you so much. I'm going to keep your reply as a screen shot and every time I'm ready to make a mistake, I'll read it again! You do read these! Thank you for your condolences too. Sorry, when I left a comment, I didnt realize it was meant to reply to the other entry.
I do! So glad, Cindy. Don't ever give up on you!
I think the same . He has obviously taken his profession with his clients as a bit of a personal gain for his ego by the sounds...so sad to think he holds little regard for woman's emotions...I would personally
...shake the dust of my feet, take it as an experience forgive and let someone else have him, keep yr head high know yr worth more than this!
I have experienced this for sure many times I put my heart out there a little only to find out I'm not enough...the right person will always see us as enough...I am growing from these experiences in the best way...value and cherish what I am who I am and Who's i am...thankyou for listening...so to speak. Kylie x
Sooooo hard to deal with. But agree with Jane. We do have to remember no response IS a response. Here’s to embodying self love to attract THE PERFECT LOVE in alignment with ourselves.
This is true. It sucks when a person is interested in another person and he doesnt respond. I have learned by him not responding is a response. Its just not the response we are looking for. I did that with my last boyfriend . i chased him. Its not worth it. Just allot of heartache.
I have a guy that seems interested but alot of the time he doesnt answer my texts or phone calls so i think when i meet guys like that it means they dont want a relationship my guy i know gets very tired from working but it doesnt take that much time to call or send a text i dont have to see him all the time but hearing from guys that seem interested would be good
Yes i agree. Its doesnt take but one minute to send a quick hello or how is your day. I hate when my man doesnt respond.
Yes, I have recently been in this situation. I was talking to this man every day through text and sometimes a phone call here or there for about a month and a half. He would text me first thing in the morning and throughout the day. He was talking about us being together and him spoiling me by doing little things, then he didn't text me for 2 days. I text him just to say hi, he sais to me" I text you yesterday and you didn't respond, I thought I did something to you." but I never received a text from him that day. Since that day our conversations are becoming less and less. I sent him a text saying Hi, are we still on the same page if not, I will not bother you anymore. He text me right back and told me it was not that he is not interested, but he has been feeling some kind of way since the corona pandemic and he been out of work. It has been a week now since I have heard from him and I don't want to text him because the same way he was texting me every day showing he was interested. I feel like he should still be showing me that he is interested, oh and he said since the pandemic he has had his son a lot and his son has his phone majority of the time. He sends me pics with him and his son sometimes out of the blue and always calls me beautiful.
Hello, Ingrid, I'm sorry to hear what happened with Mr. Professional but I went through the same at my job. Fell deeply in love with a man that I would talk to he made me feel like I was floating. Then when things got more intense he stop calling and texting me. Unfortunately, I kept trying to get a hold of him I lost my dignity and cried myself to sleep. I'm just getting a little better understanding that I have to love myself more than anyone. It's hard but I'm dealing with it. I wish you the best of luck.
Boom! Jane what really spoke to me in your response was that we read ‘interested’ in their behaviour because if we acted that way it would mean something.
Ingrid, take heart this happens a lot. I had an on-off relationship for 2 years. So many mixed messages, flirty in the ‘off’ times. I wanted more than that. I too wrote him a letter ... and got no response.
No response is a response in itself. It’s a hard pill to swallow but silence says he’s not interested and you’ll likely never get any answers. Keep focusing on you 💜
By the way, his behaviour was completely unprofessional! Where is his integrity/ethics/duty of care? As Jane said, if he was like this was you, he’ll be the same with other clients .
Thank you for your reply Nadine - as I thank all of you guys for your kind answers, your compassion and interest. I feel excited and relieved about your comments. (And thank you JANE, of course, for picking this up).
Have forgotten this guy already, but still feel angry about this emotional abuse and UNPROFESSIONAL behaviour - you've hit the point Nadine! Perhaps I will complain to the clinics CEO!
So glad these words of support helped you, Ingrid. Good to hear you've forgotten about him and appreciate your checking back to let us know! ❤
Thank you so much again, Jane, for picking this up. Your knowledgeable advice and all the other comments have helped me to see the situation more clearly. You have opened my eyes, helped me to find closure and encouraged me to file a written complaint about this guy.
We women should no longer put up with all kinds of abusive behaviour! Time is up!
Anytime, Ingrid. Good for you. Been there more than you know!
This is so true unfortunately. It sucks
HI,
I had a similar situation with a chiropractor. He would flirt and flatter and me. He would ask what my plans were that evening and I would tell him we were going out to a bar. He would make a comment, oh i will have to stop by tonight.... Of course he never showed. One day he wasnt in the office and I asked where he was and the assistants told me he was on his honeymoon because he got married over the weekend. So don't feel bad Ingrid, it happens to all of us.